Season 3 Ep. 10 // "Deck the Halls or Deck Your Sanity? A Holiday Dilemma"

Bryan: 0:01

Picture this. It's Christmas, and you're racing through the mall like it's an Olympic sport, trying to find the perfect gift that screams thoughtful, but it whispers, I totally forgot. Back at home, your living room looks like it was hit by a glitter bomb. Meanwhile, your wallet is weeping softly, mourning its once plump state. And let's not forget the family gatherings. They're like a game of emotional dodgeball, where you're trying to avoid that one relative's awkward questions, but wait, there's much more. Amidst all this, you're expected to cook a feast that would make Gordon Ramsay weep, all the while keeping your festive spirit brighter. Then Rudolph's nose. So grab your eggnog folks. We're about to dive deep into the Holly jolly chaos that is Christmas. Let's find out why decking the halls can feel more like decking your sanity. Welcome to another episode of amplified marriage. I'm Brian. I'm Natalie. Whatever you're doing, potentially drinking eggnog or sipping some nice spiced rum or enjoying some Christmas music, whatever you're doing, we are so glad that you've joined us today and we are excited to have a good chat with you.

Natalie: 1:21

That's right. If you missed last episode, we, we've kind of started our Christmas series and we were talking about children and sort of the financial stresses of having a little money or no money and what could you do, what we did, uh, with our children when we were. Uh, experiencing, uh, leaner years,

Bryan: 1:43

leaner, leaner years, uh, as we were kind of just talking about this because we're right in the middle of Christmas, we're probably experiencing a lot of this. Um, there's quite a few things around Christmas that are heightened, like the name of the podcast amplified. Things are amplified at Christmas and it's, it's an interesting thing to, to talk about because really, because we're Christians, I even preached a message is that Jesus is the reason for the season. And for whatever reason, right around this time, there's even the, some of the things we're going to talk about. There's this odd expectation for everything that the Christmas gifts are going to be perfect that the family dynamics like are going to be like perfect and harmonious and there's going to be unity in the family even though we fought all year and then this one time a year we come together at on the last month of the year for maybe a week at a time and everything's just going to be hunky dory just like the Hallmark movies like we fought and argued and all the stuff but all Christmas comes and the Christmas spirit changes everything. Well, it doesn't, it actually takes those already heightened emotions, already amplified feelings and all that's going on and just makes it worse. Like sometimes I would say the season. Brings it around

Natalie: 3:02

like the being Christmas invites that kind of

Bryan: 3:08

sometimes, but in, in our experience, like there, there's not really a whole reason as to why, like, well, I think

Natalie: 3:17

you have to, I mean, we're going to dive into like our family dynamics externally from our just immediate, because that's what we're talking about today, but, um, there's a lot of variables and. Um, not every, you know, I have spent many Christmases on eggshells because you just didn't know the kind of state of mind that the remainder of your family was in. Right. And I mean, we were away from family for. years. Yeah. And I think in, in that 12 years, we're only, we only traveled at Christmastime to see them one time.

Bryan: 3:58

No, it was twice. We, we came once and my dad couldn't make it down. So we ended up flying in. And then one time we drove just before Christmas, we were there twice.

Natalie: 4:08

So twice in 12 years, not a lot. No. And so. So at the time, like both sets of families lived where we live. And so it was juggling and it was incredibly

Bryan: 4:18

stressful. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and I think we discussed this as we came down, like now we spend every Christmas with our, with my brother in law and my sister and their four kids. And it's amazing. And my mom and my grandma that are here, but it took the first year or two for us to kind of get. past the fact that, Hey, we're not having a Christmas just on our own. We're actually now obligated. And this is, we love being with our family. Hear me when I say this, we have a really good relationship with them, really good relationship with them. We love being with them, but there's an obligation that comes at Christmas time. And we had to get. Past the fact there's an obligation for us to be with them at Christmas, right? because we were so used to doing Christmas just on our own and then going to see our friends or Our family that happened to be in the town that we were in right?

Natalie: 5:02

Could I word it more in seven obligation? We needed to be intentional.

Bryan: 5:06

Yeah, that's good

Natalie: 5:08

obligation obligation kind of has a negative Um, for me anyways, it kind of has a negative meaning

Bryan: 5:16

considering your family. I can see why that obligation would be

Natalie: 5:18

negative with Brian's family. It's not an, uh, an obligatory thing. It's more of, okay, it's not, it's not just us and us coming and going as we please doing what we want. Although we can still do what we want. We're intentional about spending time with our family because it's a value to us.

Bryan: 5:35

Absolutely. And so there's, there, we just want to go through a few things, um, that people are going to, that you're going to struggle with. And we'll talk a little bit of our own families as we get through this, but the very first one we've mentioned it a couple of times is there's high expectations. It's interesting that the, I think that at this time of year, there's probably more expectation, high expectations in any other holiday. I would agree. Easter, Thanksgiving, uh, because all together.

Natalie: 6:03

For us, we want to give good gifts to our kids, and I've been the recipient in my own growing up years of, of just the opposite of not great gifts. And so I'm really intentional about paying attention throughout the year. What do my children like? What are they into? Yeah. What speaks to their heart so that when I'm gift giving, um, it makes sense to them. It's not just stuff that I like and I hope it lands no, but like

Bryan: 6:34

I bought them these shoes because I really liked them on them and they're like, well, I don't want those shoes because

Natalie: 6:39

that's not, that's not what I asked for. And yes, it's not about the gifts, although there, there is like, if I'm. Giving gifts to my kids. I want them to be good gifts. Yeah.

Bryan: 6:48

Oh, yeah, and but no matter what there's a high expectation And

Natalie: 6:52

I think that oh, yes, cuz I struggle with Did I do enough? What if they don't like it even though they asked for it? But what if it, what if they just said they wanted it, but didn't really want it. And so I do this whole

Bryan: 7:02

song and dance that, that I, I understand, but I don't fully, I mean, it's not fully in for me to be like, that's just not part of like, I get it, but I'm not like sold on that. Like the kids have always loved everything we've always gotten. They've never not.

Natalie: 7:19

And I think, well, and that's just, you know, wounds from my own. Yeah. Growing up years that, I mean, I realized I, I project in that moment. So how,

Bryan: 7:32

how, how, what do you mean by that? Like what, what kind of wounds are you, have gotten you to that place where, when we have our own kids? Cause I would say that you don't, you may project the anxiety of the gift giving, but you don't, you don't produce the consequences of the gift giving.

Natalie: 7:50

Okay. I see what you mean. Yes. Okay. So then I project the anxiety and it stresses me out. And it's with anybody.

Bryan: 7:56

Yeah, it is with anyone. It's not just a Christmas. It doesn't

Natalie: 7:59

matter. See,

Bryan: 8:01

here's, here's, here's the thing about Christmas though, is if you take a big dinner, um, gift giving special holidays, extra gifts, family coming in all of those things on their own, don't really. are can be anxiety inducing, but they're not, they're not big on their own. They're not huge. You take all five or six of these things and slam them into one holiday. And then you got anxious about all those things. And so when the gifts come around, you're like, man, I hope I did the right thing.

Natalie: 8:26

Exactly. And so then I am. Um, it's just incredibly uncomfortable for me whenever someone's opening a gift. I bought them. Yeah. Yeah. And to this day, I still struggle in that area of just, you know, because I just, maybe that'll be a different podcast

Bryan: 8:50

where I'm going. I know. And I think that the. When the expectations aren't met in, as in anything in life, but in the amplified state of Christmas, there's this, when they're not met, you just, you feel like you're disappointed or you're going to be stressed out. I can tell you safely for 24 years, we've been together. I've never had a gift from you that I've not liked or that didn't, that didn't hit home. That wasn't the right one. And that, but that's also because of who we are. And how we try to live our life with contentment and integrity and honor, and you're going to find the right things for me and you're thoughtful and you're going to think, but that takes time.

Natalie: 9:25

Yes. And that takes reassurance. Right. Right. And so you've never given me a reason to, for me to doubt even when I was to you biggest jerk. Yeah. And, and even the kids, like they've never given me a reason to feel this way. This is just, and I think if I'm doing. Uh, self reflection, I feel like I've gotten a lot better as time has gone on where, where I'm confident.

Bryan: 9:56

Yeah. I would, I would say that you're, you're at your most confident right now when you give the gifts cause you know, that's what they want. But

Natalie: 10:02

there was a time where, um, It was, it caused incredible anxiety to even think about a gift and then you're stressing about it all night long. And then other family are opening their gifts and they're like, Oh my gosh, it's amazing. And then there have been times where it has come to my gift and it has just not, and

Bryan: 10:25

that's, that's part of the, the projection from what's happened with your family, right?

Natalie: 10:33

That's part, I guess the projecting is, is stems from the reality of

Bryan: 10:37

what has happened and the wounds and the trauma of those moments. I've been there in the room when that's happened and I have spoken up and said something while you were in tears because of the gift that was thoughtful that was actually spoken by said person was what they wanted, but made you feel like garbage in that moment. And then even your dad was upset. He's like, how can you possibly say that? I remember that. So it's those moments that you remember in your history that now, but you've never, you've never projected that you've never put the consequence of that on the kids, like made them feel bad or disappointed

Natalie: 11:13

or, yeah, no, this is like, this is just. When it, I have to be really cautious and I have to be really mindful of my own state of mind. Because family dynamics, um, in my case really sucked. Yeah.

Bryan: 11:28

And Christmas time was,

Natalie: 11:30

was, and, and there was, you know, I remember when we first moved here back from, uh, up north and, uh, my dad had just passed away and the excitement and like my, my birthday is Christmas. And so there's a level of excitement. Um, that I have, and I love my birthday and I love Christmas. And so it had been hyped up to be this like big, huge celebratory, you know, we play charades and we play all these games and we dress up and I, I was so excited for our first Christmas back around family. To have this whole entire, um, like party I had made it to be an experience and what everyone around me had, had, um, reiterated that this is in fact what we do. And so, Um, it was the polar opposite of that. We were the only ones dressed up. Everyone else was in flannels and no one sort of gave us the memo that no one was dressed up. A family was drinking and family was smoking and fighting,

Bryan: 12:36

like fighting, viciously arguing

Natalie: 12:38

and fighting. And I, and our kids were little at this time. And I just looked at Brian and I'm like, never again will I ever come to this place with my family. Oh, we never did. And

Bryan: 12:51

we never, we always did the day or two after, but never

Natalie: 12:54

did again. Right. And it's, it was these ridiculous things of like, you know, Oh, can you guys bring this? And then, and then we bring that. They're like, well, we already have that sort of nonsense. The whole thing was just nonsense and it

Bryan: 13:07

was, yeah. And they didn't see it. Cause we showed up at what three in the afternoon and already half of them had been drinking since like nine and 10 and they were already arguing and

Natalie: 13:17

fighting. We left early. I was so

Bryan: 13:19

mad. Yeah. Yeah. That was a very short day. So I mean the high expectations for everything and people handle it in their own way. And we talked about this next one last week, just on the financial stretches, stresses of Christmas. If you listened to the last ones we did talk about. Being able to bless your family and your kids with little. And how do you do that and how do you approach that and the attitude and perspective?

Natalie: 13:41

Um, you know what? If it was one, let's say you can't, I just want to say this before we move on to the next, um, section, but if it's one. Handmade gift. And that's all that you could do. That's enough. Yeah. Right. And, and I'm, I'm speaking to myself because I get caught up too in the hustle bustle of like, well, you know, trying to match. It's not keeping up with the Joneses because we're not those people, but there, there is an element of like, well, you know, one gift doesn't seem enough. Right. And then like, where does it stop? Yeah. I know. And, and to be okay and content with one gift, most definitely. Can be enough.

Bryan: 14:22

Yeah. And so the financial stress, we've already talked quite a bit about that. Finally, family dynamics. This is the next one. And this is a hard one. Well, and we're no matter what we're doing, because Christmas oftentimes is about family, family dynamics are going to be wrapped up in all that we do in the high expectations in the financial stresses. Um, yeah. Like I said,

Natalie: 14:42

even at the alcohol, like in our family, you add alcohol to the mix and that just opens all kinds of wounds that you thought were dealt with.

Bryan: 14:48

Right. Because they're like, you remember that time? Right. And then they say things and they do things. And cause we're, we're not those kinds of drinkers. Um, and so for us, it was, it was actually sit back and watch other people make fools of themselves. That was quite amusing for us, but it's still at some point it's just, okay, it's a little bit overboard, but this is what happens at Christmas time is there's really high expectations, expectations. Then they come and instead of it being the unifying push that they hope it was, it ends up just being a fight. And then they walk away even more angry than the one that came sometimes, not all the time. Maybe, maybe your family is perfect and this never happens and we would love

Natalie: 15:26

to say bless you because that is a rarity. Yeah. I

Bryan: 15:30

would think so. Yeah. A rarity as in it, it happens a lot. It just, that wasn't our experience with your family in particular. No. Right. And so the family dynamics that you're going to experience in every family is going to be different. There's going to be a brother and sister, maybe the fight or a mom and a daughter that are maybe in an argument at the time or just their stress. There's tension. Um, as the kids get like. at every age, I would say from like bottom up, it's a different type of dynamic. Our dynamic now with our kids is so much fun because it's conversation and laughing and joking and, and that, but there was a time where it just was stressful because they're small and they're into everything and they're, and they

Natalie: 16:09

need like nap times and bedtimes and you can't stay late and you feel bad and right. I mean, on one hand, it was really convenient because it meant that our stay was short.

Bryan: 16:20

We're like, Oh, we got to take

Natalie: 16:21

the kids home for a nap. We talked about our sanity. Yeah. Uh, that was incredibly helpful. And now it's, we're just in a different space and, and our holiday seasons are peaceful.

Bryan: 16:36

Yeah. And, and so with all of that comes, I mean, the normal busy schedules, which is interesting because our, our schedule. Um, slows down because we're, we're pastors. And so at, at our church, all the groups have already finished except for one, um, everything's kind of chill. We're moving on, but then all of a sudden you're, you're connecting with more people because it's close to Christmas and they want to get a visit in before the new, the new year. So you end up doing more and then there's skating and then there's family coming in before Christmas cause they can't be here for Christmas. So it's just a whole thing and it can be overwhelming, exhausting and so you end up getting tired. And you get emotional and you get all of that is just tough.

Natalie: 17:14

And we like in both Brian's family and our immediate family here, there's nothing wrong with taking like sort of putting yourself in a timeout and, and just a recharge. And I know, um, our nephew needs a recharge. Our own sons need recharges. My husband needs a recharge where you just kind of are like, okay, there's so much. Happening happiness, but happening that it can be just overwhelming with just the level

Bryan: 17:45

of noise. And I think that it, and having that good relationship with the family that you're going to have that with, like, cause with my sister and my brother in law, Jeremy and Katie, they'll just be like, Hey, do you mind if you just come back, come in like an hour or two later, we just need to have a morning where we eat breakfast together and we just

Natalie: 18:00

chill. And I love that because that sets, it sets the tone. And not only like, they are, um, Valuing their family time and, and we are also at this end valuing our family time and um, allowing just some space for the kids to just play or whatever in before the families get together. Cause when we do, we have a lot of fun and it's, I say organized chaos, organized

Bryan: 18:30

chaos. There's 12 of us on one space. Yeah. It's pretty awesome. Uh, I would, I would actually, I'm going to wrap up a busy schedules. with the lack of personal space and time sometimes and put them together because it's the time of year like this. We, we are, we love our weekends because we get to spend it with the kids and then they have drama and then we do church and it's just this last week and my dad came down with my brother and my nephews. It was fantastic. We had such a good time. We had an absolute blast, but it was like, like as soon as they showed up, it was just a whirlwind weekend. And so you're busy, busy, busy, busy. And there's just not, well, at Christmas time, sometimes people are staying for like a week or 10 days and it's this overwhelming. And not only is your schedule busy cause, and if you're coming from a blended family, you might be hitting up multiple homes when we were young, I was doing Christmas with my dad and then I was doing Christmas with my mom. And then when we would come here for holidays, we were doing a Christmas with us and my mom and then going to your parents. And so it's a lot of turkey and I didn't mind that so much in the eating and the food,

Natalie: 19:31

but it can be just over like

Bryan: 19:33

too much. It's overwhelming and that's where people hit their limit sooner because it's intense and it's just all at one time,

Natalie: 19:41

which then can lead to some real challenges with your mental health and where you are emotionally. Right. And the stress and the busyness and busyness doesn't have to be that you're just go, go, go. It could just be like, we're getting in the car and we're driving to the next location. Yeah. Yeah. Right. And it can be, um,

Bryan: 20:01

not necessarily out and about. You get to be at home, wrapping gifts, baking, just going, going, going, kids have to go here.

Natalie: 20:07

You know, and if you're. If you're suffering or there's been, you know, where there's tension in your family and things like that, that just adds to the mental strain, right?

Bryan: 20:18

And it just, it ends up taking up so much of it. So if you're, if, if you're someone who already, we're going to get to one application that I think that we really need to talk about that is, is the big one, but if you're already struggling with say depression or anxiety. Or you're already frustrated, loneliness, and you're hitting this time of year and all this is going to happen at one time and your mental health is just about to get bettered because everyone's there, um, and take, take, take, take, and it's, yeah, and it's a lot of take and not a lot of give or a lot of give and a lot of, and people are taking from you all the time. And like the one thing that, so that's that like mental health issues. We understand that this time of year, the other one is, is that there's a lot of people that have had family. Pass away right around Christmas and every year it just brings up more, Oh, they're not here.

21:06

Yeah.

Natalie: 21:06

A tragedy of some sort. Yeah. And, and that opens a whole, um, another realm of either you're isolating and secluding yourself or sort of numbingly going through all of the busyness because it keeps your mind off of actually processing. Whatever the tragedy might be and, and you know, they're the first, like if you've lost someone the first Christmas, the first birthday, the first Thanksgiving, all of those are awful that first year, uh, to go through and, and sometimes it's awful for multiple years. Right. And so just being aware. It's okay to say no. Yeah, that's true. And to, to have the freedom to say this is not, I just, I'm operating at

Bryan: 21:58

20 percent right now. And to even say to your family that certain behavior is not okay. Yes. Certain response, remarks, or, um, before we get into this, if you notice in every one of these, these topics, things that we've all experienced that you and I as a couple have experienced, if you notice the one thing in every single one of these things. it, you have to have good, healthy boundaries on each one of these. 100%. And so it really, this is about what is it that the title that I was just kind of reading is like jingle bells, jingle hell. Yeah.

Natalie: 22:33

Right. And that can be, um, I mean, that, that resonated with our experience,

Bryan: 22:38

but it, it's all about. Boundaries. And you're, you're, if one thing, there's a, there's this odd, I don't, and it's hard to explain. It seems with family that more often than not, we're willing to tolerate so much more abuse and, and abuse, abuse is probably a strong word. And in some cases it really is abuse. I would say in some cases, even in your family, the way they talk to each other was, was abuse. The way that they tried to talk to us was probably abuse. But in some cases, it's just how it's the normal. So the exception where you wouldn't tolerate most of you, most people that I know wouldn't tolerate that from anyone else, but in family, they're just willing to take this beating and this, uh, like you're willing to take the verbal, uh, assault on your parenting or your husband's or your, your wife, or how you did this or how you cook the dinner you're willing to take at, at, at not just Christmas, but just with your family in general. And I would say. If this is you consider putting up boundaries because that'll definitely help your mental health and emotional health and spiritual health. A hundred percent.

Natalie: 23:50

And it's very hard to do that when you are ingrained to not speak up for yourself. Right. And so. The greatest gift you can give to yourself and give to your children is no, is, is setting. Well, yes. No is now my favorite word and not to be flippant with it, but for my own taking control of my decision making and not having it made for me is what it boils down to. And so being able to, uh, to assert yourself and, and say, Hey, Um, you know, talk it over with your family. I mean like your kids and your husband or whatever ahead of time going, all right, this is how much energy I have to contribute to this outing we're going to with my family. I have two hours max so, and we literally had code words. It sounds so ridiculous 49ers, right? Whatever it was. I can't even remember at this point. Um, but we had, we had a look. We had whatever, and if it got out of hand, it was wrapped up and we were done.

Bryan: 25:00

So just what you said, the three, the three boundaries that I think we should talk about that not in the notes, just something that I had written down somewhere else. And I just, I went back and found it was this, it's one, what you just said, there's a time management. Yep. Yes. When you know that, Hey, we're getting there at six and by eight o'clock we have to be home because the kids need to, whatever reason you gave, that is the best thing that you can do for yourself, especially when you're in already an environment that you're already stressed out, stressed out about. Maybe it's a mental thing for you. Maybe it's an emotional thing. You're just what, but if you give yourself a timeline and say, Hey, mom or dad or uncle or aunt, I got to be out of here by eight o'clock. I've been here. And we just got here at six. Yeah. I just need to be out of here by eight. This is what's happening. And you don't even have to give a reason.

Natalie: 25:42

Nope. Absolutely. Like, you don't need to justify why you are or aren't going to

Bryan: 25:48

stay. Yep. And, and this is, this is the hard thing about setting boundaries is because it, it, there, when you're setting a boundary, like a time management boundary, it, it opens a door for conflict and which what people don't want to do. Right. But you're also saying by saying that and saying that. I'm coming to your house. I want to be gone. I'm here at six o'clock. I want to be gone by eight, not only opening up the door for conflict for you to be like, well, that's stupid. I don't want you. I wouldn't want you to stay here until 10, but you're also saying to them, Hey, well, they're looking after themselves and they're standing up for themselves. So it's not just, it's not just one thing while time management, it's no, there's a few things that happen when you self care.

Natalie: 26:25

And that's so important. If you, if you find yourself incredibly anxious over the holiday season, self care is super important. Yeah.

Bryan: 26:33

And, and it's okay to protect yourself even from your own family. I know this might not be one of those that like, Oh, I can't believe they said this. Well, well, until you've lived it. We've hit some toxic families in our toxic family time and a time in our life and we understand the importance of so one is time management. The next one is you actually can set the conversation topics.

Natalie: 26:55

And we were very strategic with that. And so, I mean, with the kids being there, it was more geared. You know, there was less likely in my family to be some kind of funny business if my kids were present. Right. It's like, well, the kids, the littles are here and so we need to be like on our best behavior. Yeah. So take advantage of that. Yep.

Bryan: 27:21

Absolutely.

Natalie: 27:22

You're panicked about it. And we like colored and we did puzzles and set up the kids with like Christmas movies and stuff like that. And really we set the pace and we set the topics. And if there was a topic that that came up or, um, that we were not comfortable going to, cause we could just foresee this. being a spiraling into an argument. We just redirect

Bryan: 27:47

it. Right. And we also there's there's time like certain family members. Everyone has that one uncle that Um, doesn't understand, uh, read the room and, or has a dad or has a, uh, an auntie or a brother that's just doesn't read the room. We'll talk about anything. We'll actually find the thing that is most uncomfortable for you and want to talk about that and push those boundaries. And it's okay to say either you clap back when they speak up or be like, Hey, we're not going to talk about that. That's right now. That's not something we can talk about, especially in nowadays when, um, Unless you are willing to have just a normal civil discourse, like me and my brother in law, we don't agree all the time on things, but I can have a great conversation with him and he's so smart at stuff that I can, I'm actually challenged by it and I hope I challenge him vice like vice versa, but not everyone can do that. No. Right. And, and so you want to, to, and if you can't have that one uncle, cause oftentimes you know the uncle I'm talking about, that one uncle, that's just a jerk. We'll push the boundaries. We'll say things just to, to make people angry. We'll just say things so they can get that response out. The one that does it. Every family gathering that you're at and the one that he should be sitting in his car, not talking to anyone because they're kind of rude, right? And so you can control the topics in your own house. And when the boundaries are crossed, you can say, Hey, that's enough. If this is going to be the thing you can go somewhere else that you're allowed to say these things.

Natalie: 29:10

Yes. And you're allowed to like, love yourself enough to, uh, you get what you tolerate. Yeah,

Bryan: 29:16

you get it. That's right. Henry cloud, what

Natalie: 29:18

you tolerate. And so if there is, you know, some piping up of whatever for you then to assert yourself and say, you know what, um, We're not discussing this. This is not the time or the place to have this conversation,

Bryan: 29:33

right? And I think that, uh, like, because you, you may want to avoid like politics or, um, Yeah. Vaccines. Oh yeah. Mask or no mask, personal finances. Maybe they're giving you bad advice or you're not unasked, unasked advice on how to parent your kids or how she used to just discipline them. Your career choice. You're still at that job. Oh, I can't believe that or the lifestyle you're living. Oh, you didn't, you don't exercise. Oh, I can't believe you're like that kind of thing, right? Like you want to, you want to set the boundaries of what you can and can't say before they all show up at your house. Exactly.

Natalie: 30:05

And one of the things, you know, back to like Uh, people inserting their parenting ideas who have no kids, um, of just, of we've learned the art of like, thank you for your recommendation. And then just completely ignoring it or, and there's nothing wrong with that. Or, you know, then choosing, Hey, that actually was a really good idea and I'm going to, I'm going to implement that. But it goes

Bryan: 30:29

both ways. But so often those parenting tips don't come because you're having a conversation about parenting. They come because they saw something that they think with no children, but it may be a degree and like some kind of child rearing thing. Oh, I work with kids all day. They think that they, because they saw it, they have some. It's like, Oh, well, my way would be better, but you're not experiencing it. So it's never because, Oh, we're having a conversation. What would you do? It's because they saw something they didn't like and want to respond. Right. And the very last one I would say is like in all of this, the boundaries there is, there can be space for privacy, which can kind of time top kind of go in with the, like the topic thing. Like, you don't need to talk about your private life. Especially if the family's big and there's like 15 or 20 people and only eight of them you actually know really well But you don't have to tell them every what's happening with your boyfriend or what's happening with your girlfriend What are you doing? Like what's happening? You know,

Natalie: 31:28

I have a saying you're on a need to know basis and you don't need to know and if you need to know you'll know And so there I think Um, keeping guard, especially if you have family that use whatever you say against you.

Bryan: 31:41

Yep. Right. And I would say, um, communicate your boundaries clearly, uh, early on and early on early as you can. So clearly with clear communication, express yourself calmly. Um, I just talked to someone tonight that's just running into family, uh, at the day of this recording. Um, I ran into, I'm talking to someone on the phone who's struggling with this exact thing. And I said, you just got to. Not get into a word salad. You don't get into an argument, you know, counselor

Natalie: 32:11

said, don't engage in a word

Bryan: 32:13

salad. Just talk calmly and firmly when they gaslight, just hit him with the facts and be kind and loving towards them as much as you want to knock them out because they said something they shouldn't. Um, but when you communicate them, do those things, just do it clearly, do it calmly. You may be nervous, but I would, but I would say stand your ground, fight for peace, fight for the right thing. And if they, if they love you, this is the, maybe this is the wrong way to say it. In the perfect world. In the perfect world. I think it's not just love, it's respect. If they respect you and they consider your feelings. And they consider your needs before their needs, that if you ask them for those things as, as uncomfortable as it is, when someone says, Hey, can you not say that to me? Because it actually hurts my feelings. You're like, Oh. If you're considering the other person and you're deferring to them and what does the Bible say to honor them to honor? We say this in our church. We're gonna honor up on her down on her all around That means that if my brother in law comes to me says hey you talked Really harshly to one of my kids. I didn't really appreciate that. I'm like, Oh man, I'm not going to like dig my heels and be like, you're wrong. He deserved that. And that may be true, but that's not my kid. No. Right. And so I would defer and honor my brother in law and my sister say, this is your house. Do you know what? I'm you're right. I shouldn't have done that. I was frustrated. And so I'm deferring to their, who they are and how they parent and saying that, that you, Hey, I consider you before I consider me. Right. And if we do that in the household and the context of all this stuff. Setting boundaries is the best thing you'll ever do at

Natalie: 33:51

Christmas time. And it honestly sets a, uh, an atmosphere of peace, right? Because right. You're setting, you're setting the tone for what, what this night or what this week is going to look like.

Bryan: 34:05

And I would say we do understand that. Sometimes moms at Christmastime or dads at Christmastime are a lot, right? Like just, they're just excited and they love life. And you know, parents as they get older, they want things a certain way and we kind of get settled. Or maybe that's when your siblings is particularly like, we know that this is the season is a lot, but what you want to do is you want to set those boundaries. You need, you need to set those

Natalie: 34:31

boundaries to set those batteries. I might. Otherwise it's just going to be rocking around the jingle tree, right?

Bryan: 34:38

Jingle bell, jingle hell. Exactly. It's not our topic, but if you are not our title, but I think maybe it should be, I think

Natalie: 34:44

it should. Um, it doesn't have to be that way. And that's the encouragement. Right. You

Bryan: 34:49

have any last things you want to mention? Just boundaries. I think my notes, I would say just be encouraged that. The, the, the way your Christmas is, is if you really struggle at Christmas, it doesn't have to be that way because I was the guy that hated Christmas time for such a long time, because I was between two parents, between two households, one was a, one was a Christian household, one wasn't, and it was like a constant, um, Spiritual battle, I would say, but also like a, a discipline battle. Like I would, I would go to one and then have to be brainwashed almost back to the way I was when I came back to the other, but that didn't happen for long. I think they finally found some common ground and made it work, but it was

Natalie: 35:33

tough. I would say community. Yeah. If you can find community in like. Whether it's a support group or whether it's a church group or a friend group at, at work, whatever, whatever the community looks like for you, um, don't do life alone.

Bryan: 35:49

Absolutely. If. You really enjoyed this podcast and you like this episode, we love it. If you share it, it means a lot. When you let people know about Amplified Marriage, you can follow us on Instagram and on Facebook. Again, if you ever want to chat with us or you have a topic or a question or anything you would like to discuss, please let us know at amplifiedmarriage. gmail. com or you can Facebook or Instagram. And as you've heard us say, we believe that your marriage can be reset, refreshed, recharged and restored. Thank you for listening and Merry Christmas. Talk to you soon.