Season 3 Ep. 10 // "Love, Goals, and Growth: A New Year's Marriage Journey"

Bryan: 0:00

It's the start of a new year and you know what that means. New Year's resolutions. It's that time when we promise to turn into superheroes overnight. By February, our gym cards are just fancy bookmarks, and our health eating plans, well, less to say the chocolate didn't eat itself. But let's face it, if resolutions were that effective, I'd be a piano playing, novel writing, astronaut, and a fitness guru. Instead, I'm still figuring out which is the E chord on the piano. This year, let's do something a little bit different. Let's not set all these big, grand resolutions. Instead, let's focus on being our best selves, our best husbands, best wives, and with all of our quirks. After all, being married is about loving and growing old together, not about who can avoid the cookie jar the longest.

Natalie: 1:09

Welcome to another episode of Amplified Marriage. I'm Natalie. And I'm Bryan. Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, as you heard us say. countless times. Grab a tea, grab a coffee, a cookie and a blanket. Get ready for our chat. And 1st of January, 2024.

Bryan: 1:26

Boom. Are we ready for this new year? Yes, we are, man. I am excited to talk about this today, but here's the thing is that Natalie and I are not huge, uh, resolution people, even though the opening was all about grand resolutions, we're not resolution people were actually about setting goals. And I know people are like, well, what's the difference there actually is a difference between a resolution in my mind is oftentimes just a, um, a big idea. Right. It's just a big idea. And so when I look at goals this year, this is how Natalie and I have broken down this 2024. And it's something that we, every year we improve upon a little bit, but it's something that I even do with our, our team that I lead at, at the church. Um, it's called smart goals. And the very first thing about the smart goals is that it, the S stands for specific. Right. And when we're going into our goals, Natalie and I have specific, say weight loss goals. Mm-Hmm. specific finance goals. Speci specific, specific goals for the children, specific goals for each other. Um, all but they're all have to be specific. And that's the difference I think between a goal and a resolution. A resolution is just a, a big idea, right? I want to lose weight by June 20th. Exactly. But there's no strategy on how, but there's no strategy to do that, how to do that. And there's no. There's no way you can do it. So we just want to, we want to talk to you today. Just a little bit of the things that we've learned that we've done over the last 25 years of being together

Natalie: 2:53

and what we've really implemented in the last nine ish

Bryan: 2:56

years. And, and we'll be honest right from the beginning, the truth about goals is that even what I said in the opening, if goals were easy and it was easy to achieve a resolution, but if our goals were easy to do. Um, everyone will be doing them exactly. And so there's a reason that you have to have a system. The things you put in place, um, like parameter, uh, parameters and boundaries for each goal. And one of the things that I haven't written down further down, but I'm actually going to read it right now. This is what Habakkuk, uh, chapter two versus two and three says, is right, right. The vision. Make it plain on tablets so he may run who reads it. All this means is that when you have a vision and a goal, Natalie and I have started putting our goals down regularly onto paper. So we have them written out. Sometimes we forget where we put the paper. So now we do digitally because we're in 2024. Ooh, we're in 2024. Yeah. Right. But we want to have specific things that we want to do with our family this year. What we want to accomplish personally and all has to be specific and then written down on the system.

Natalie: 4:00

That's right. Because I don't know about you, but I forget, well, yeah, I forget things that I have written and writing them on paper gives you a reference point. Um, for those times when you're like, I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this. And then you can reflect back on it. Or that's the hope. Anyways, we're not always perfect at reflecting back until the end of the year, but I'm really trying to get into the habit of doing that self reflection, that goal reflection, even throughout the year of like, where are, how on track are we? And not just waiting till the end of the year to reflect on whether or not we were or weren't on track.

Bryan: 4:37

Well, and, and I would say to like, um, I say this to people when they first start going to the gym, because I, at this point I built a fairly good discipline. I go frequently on a, on a schedule that we've determined. And I say this to new people, as soon as they start, I said, um, it's, it's not about the frequency. It's about the consistency. Yeah. So I will tell you straight up that I would say 95 percent of the time that I go to the gym and I do a 35, 45 minute workout. I honestly. Most of the time I'm not motivated and I don't really feel like going to the gym. Like after Christmas, we're going, we're going, we're going after this podcast. As soon as we finished recording this, we're heading over to the gym. I don't really want to go now, but the thing is, is that when you begin putting things into a system. And so this is specific. You start writing out what you want to do. You turn that motivation into a discipline. So what happens is, is that the discipline becomes part of what you do. That's right. Part of what you do every day, part of your morning or part of your afternoon, wherever you choose to add the discipline that that's about. I'm using the gym as well, working out as an example because I've had to fight with this one for a long time. Right. But it becomes easier. It becomes, it becomes easy. Easier to go and do it. That's what I mean. Because you're disciplined, but the motivation, this is the thing. Are we always going to be motivated for anything? No. Right. If you have kids in your house from zero to 25 years old and they're living with you, you're not motivated every night to make dinner. Nope. Right. And there's, and you're not motivated every day to do laundry or every day that you have to do. So the motivation, if you base your whole future, if you base 2024 off the motivation to do it, your motivation is going to fail. That's right.

Natalie: 6:23

But I think, I think creating habits and making them like, you know, in, in principles and things like that, we're all like baby steps, baby steps. If you have a giant goal, you have to have baby steps in order to get there because the moment that you. Miss fire or you, um, try to jump ahead and you fall. Figuratively speaking, you're going to get discouraged. And so yes, you know, um, being on a routine, I think that's the key is setting a routine that is manageable in small increments. And then as you, as you can fulfill the routine or fulfill the habit, then you can increase the frequency and you can increase all of that once it becomes ingrained, so to speak. So for us, like you're, even though. I hate going to the gym. It does not bring me joy whatsoever. I always feel the joy of having gone after the fact. So if I can remember that after this, I will be so thankful that I went. And then as I start to see like the pounds drop off or the ounces drop off or I start to feel just better where I'm not so. tired. I find myself making better eating choices and, and all like it's a, it's a domino effect in either direction. You

Bryan: 7:50

know, there's a, a writer that I have read his book now twice called atomic habits by James clear. And he says something in the book that has stuck with me that I use with our team that I probably have said on this podcast before he said, you don't. Uh, rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems, right? And so much of what we do is a series of small steps, small decisions, small things that take us to the lead. Like when you're, you're doing like Bible study or you're doing school study, you're setting yourself with knowledge that will benefit you five years after school is finished. When you finally found that job. And actually implement the things that you've learned, right? The physical aspect of your job or eating differently and getting the sugar out of your system if that's what you're doing or stopping caffeine or quitting smoking or what any one of these things, all of them take steps and things with a goal in mind, but also with a system and how we're going to get there. I remember. Uh, listening to a podcast, um, I can't remember the name of the podcast, but he, he, he said in there, he said, there's a gentleman that he was coaching, um, new year hit. And he's like, I need to lose some weight. I'm 150 pounds overweight. He was a big guy. And the guy said, I didn't know how I was going to do this, but what he started doing every day is that he got in his car and he drove to the gym and he said, and he said, remember I told you this, he sat outside for five minutes and then he went home and he did that day after day for like two weeks. And then he started going to the gym, um, the, the next week a little bit longer. So it was 10 minutes. He did that for a couple more weeks. And then after that for four weeks later, he started going into the gym, stepping into the front door, sitting on the bench, talking with the person at the front. And then he would go in his car and he would drive home. And I think I can't remember the exact length of time, but it took like. Six weeks or eight weeks before he stepped and stayed into the gym and then he got onto the treadmill, right? And then it was like six or eight months later He had lost like 20 pounds or 15 pounds of weight and he was going towards his goals because he did everything in small incremental steps To get to where you want to go celebrating the wins along the way celebrating the highs and then taking the lows What can you learn from it and moving on?

Natalie: 9:59

So I think that's a great segue into here are some of the things that we implement and we have done and we just did today actually, uh, which hopefully will be sort of like. Uh, small baby steps that if you are starting from square one or if, if what you've currently been doing isn't working, perhaps this method, uh, might be useful.

Bryan: 10:22

So my mom about, Oh, nine years ago, nine years ago, started doing something with me and her, or sorry, me and Natalie, my brother. And sister in law, or wow, I'm screwing this up, my brother in law and my sister, uh, Katie and Jeremy and Natalie and I, and my mom would sit down and we would write down, um, the highs and lows of the year that we were in and then the goals for the next year. And so for the last nine years, the day after we've rarely missed that the day after new year, January 1st, January 1st, we get together and we discuss the highs and lows of the last year. Um, and then we. We talked to each other about the goals that we have set for this, this next year coming up.

Natalie: 11:03

Yeah. And we share, we share with each other because there have been years that have been really good and we've, we've shared in the joy of that year. And there have been other years that have been absolute crap. And Um, feeling incredibly low and discouraged and just vocalizing the discontent feeling and whatnot. They have been such a, um, a voice of encouragement or, or another perspective to speak into. It has been so valuable to me.

Bryan: 11:37

Well, and, and I think even today, even with some of the notes that we have for today is that where, where, where are your main focuses? And I think when we, it's easy, like any other goal. Um, that when you are in the middle of life to get wrapped up into and forget what the main focus is. And I think even today kind of reset us and it showed us where our main focuses was for last year. And we were happy with most of them. Um, but there's a, some that we're going to do is do a realignment and change their perspective and we're going to shift where we want to go, um, with the family, with the kids. Where's our next trip? Where's the next goal spiritually? Where do we want the kids? That kind of thing. You know what I mean? And like when you're

Natalie: 12:13

talking about the highs of the year. Yeah. People might be like, what are you even talking about? But like, what are the things that were awesome? What, what of your children's accomplishments, um, were you celebrating? That's a high. Um, some of the goals that you had set for the previous year, looking back, okay, yes, I was able to do that. Like I balanced my, my budget. Like that was huge. That's a win, right? That's a high. What are, what are your things that you set out for yourself? Um, in self reflecting that were incredible, right? Like what in your marriage, Hey, I want to be a better communicator.

Bryan: 12:54

Yeah. Well, like it's one of the goals that we had last year was we wanted to date more. Yes. One of the goals, I think we both put it on separately and then we discussed it after like we want to, we want to have more dates. And so we have learned that the kids are at this age where they can either stay at home or when they're out doing things, Nat and I will just go literally for an hour, go have an ice cream from McDonald's or we'll go for a coffee and we'll sit in a Starbucks or Tim Hortons and we'll just chat for an hour, hour and a half and then, and then go home. But to have more of those dates. It actually makes a difference. And so we looked at that this year and we're like, Oh man, we actually did that. That was something we fought for, for the whole year and it was a, it was a win. And

Natalie: 13:31

now it's a goal for next year. And it's really exciting that we piggyback off of what, what worked this year and we then can, um, Together, work towards making that more often, more

Bryan: 13:46

frequent and more part of our, of our core values as a husband and wife that we want to like, here's the thing, our kids are getting to the age now, I won't say too much because Natalie might start crying, which has happened in the last few weeks, but our kids are getting at the age where within the next 10, eight years, seven to six to eight years, probably all of the kids will be out of the house. Our goal. And all of this is so that when the kids are gone, that I still love her and she still loves me. Exactly. She still knows me and I still know her so many times. Maybe this is you if you're listening, whatever country you're listening from. Maybe this is you, but you are so focused on your kids that you don't remember who your spouse was. Yeah. And that is, is actually sad. It's sad because you get to the age where all of a sudden. Now that the kids are out of the house, you don't know each other and then you actually start fighting and then divorces happen because now your whole focus is on your kids. Can I tell you a simple, simple truth that our culture would have you deny is that your kids are not your whole world. Mic drop. I wish I would've had the. thing though.

Natalie: 14:48

Exactly. But Hey, we set that standard, um, because you know what? Let's face it. My husband was here before my children were, my husband needs to remain a priority in my

Bryan: 14:57

life. And so in all of these things that we're saying on the highs and talking about the, the thing about, we didn't talk about the lows was the lows actually help you determine it. Was it, and here's the thing I preached yesterday at church or this last Sunday. And I said, there's two things that you, you see in scripture when the Bible talks in Matthew about being, uh, those of you who are burdened and heavy laden are, there's what happens is that there's one you put on yourself. Like these are burdens that you put on yourself and then the heavy laden is people that things that other people put on you. And so in our relationship. What is the pressure that you're putting on yourself? And I would say that needs to go against is, um, is that a realistic pressure? Is that an abnormal pressure? Is it something you can even reach? Is it a standard that you can meet? And then you look at your lows through the lens of, Hey, I can accomplish this. This year was tough and we came close, but it was a mess. But how can we make that better going into the next year?

Natalie: 15:52

Exactly. And like what, here's the thing of being able to do a spiritual audit and doing a spiritual reflection of like, where. Has my walk with the Lord, where has that been on a scale of one to 10 for me this past year? Um, is that a priority for me? Absolutely. What, what do I want? Um, for, for that element of it, do I want to be doing more devotions? Do I want to be more intentional during my prayer time? Do I want to be more intentional in reading the Bible? Whatever it might be. That also plays a thing because listen, for me, a huge gauge of my emotional. And, um, physical wellbeing, if I find myself super snappy and whatever, it's one of two things. One, I need to connect with my husband or you're hungry while, or maybe three things, but. I can definitely tell when I've made the Lord a priority and when I have sort of had other things come in the way. So doing a spiritual audit is also incredibly important as far as it being a low, but that's not a bad, like having a low doesn't mean that you're failing. No,

Bryan: 17:05

no. And I think sometimes like

Natalie: 17:06

things happen and death happens in family or the death of a friendship or, or, um, a tragedy of some sort or, you know, uh, An unmet expectation can be a low, right? So I think it's a really good indicator for me. Where is my emotional level at? Where's my mental health at? Where's my, um, where's my heart?

Bryan: 17:32

Right. Absolutely. And I think, um, Even our next application was a goal setting, not resolutions. And I think we kind of, we've covered that all the way through is that we are more about setting the goals with steps to reach those goals. So you, and have it written down and work on it as a couple and know each other and help each other be accountable to each other to make it, make it work, um, to, to build yourself up into a place where you're disciplined to be able to move, move forward. And whatever your goals are, exactly.

Natalie: 18:03

And yes, you have, we have goals as a couple, but when we do this whole new year's thing with our family, it is a very individual basis. Right. And so we're all writing in our own, we have books that we write in. So we're all doing that. Yeah. Individually. Yeah. Right. And what we choose to bring out into the open to discuss is up to us, but, um, I mean, for the most part we're pretty open, right? So the things that are on my goal list, you know, oftentimes line up with the things on your goal list. Yeah. Right. And we've not prediscussed this or whatever. I have

Bryan: 18:38

some other ones like riding motorcycle and that's not on yours. That's not on

Natalie: 18:41

mine. Right. But I think, you know, now that we have a goal, what is this, what are some of the strategies that we can do? And, and right there, I just said, writing it down in a book, in a journal, um, having something to reference when, and go back to it regularly. Exactly. Like our, my mom in law keeps all of our books, um, and she lives downstairs. So I mean, I could just go, mom, can I have my book? I really need. A reset. Can we? Yeah. Right. And any one of us could, right? Just mum holds on. We

Bryan: 19:10

have it written down. The ones that we want to keep on our, our, we have a list. Otherwise, these are the goals that we're going for. This is the stuff that we're doing there, there, and this is the thing, like even when you're looking at any one of these things. It's really hard to, to maintain, not some people can do it, but it's hard to maintain the discipline of the goal on your own. Exactly. So it's so important that you actually engage your, your spouse or a really close friend or someone who's going to push you. Like it's a one say one of you goes to the gym, but the other one doesn't yeah, right Then you find someone who is gonna challenge you and say hey This is where you got to go say like I have I have a series of men in my life that challenged me in Just in life Yeah right that they look at the things I'm doing or saying or how I'm moving or the things that I'm teaching and just be like Bryan, you can't say that, or that was really good. Or what did you mean by this or challenge? No, that's not right. You have to have those people in your life. You can't just have a bunch of yes people around you. No. And

Natalie: 20:10

like for me, my sister in law, like she was so great, uh, lean like over this Christmas season of like really maintaining a gym schedule. And I was not, but I was like, ah, gosh, I should, I should get on this because not that it's, and it's not a competition because we all have the same goal of being right. Right. Like the best selves for moving forward physically, right? Because if we're, if I'm healthy physically, my emotional health benefits from it. My mental health benefits from it. My spiritual health benefits from it. So I'm of like motivating, right? Right. Where she's like, you know, if it wasn't for her, we would not have done the ninja parkour a course that we did and we paid for it, but it was like quality time that we could invest with

Bryan: 20:57

our kids. When Natalie says we paid for it, not only do we pay for it with finances, which it was just a small fee, but we paid for it physically for several days afterwards because I am not a young and or speedy or agile like I used to

Natalie: 21:11

be. Exactly. So like. Encouraging each other, like come on, we are on, we might be in different lanes as far as our physical health goes, but motivating each other to keep going.

Bryan: 21:22

And I would say, um, don't reflect just once a year on Christmas Eve like we do, we reflect Regularly throughout the year. And we have just, we

Natalie: 21:32

have like weekly

Bryan: 21:34

debriefs where we just sit and we'll chat about the week and when things are going and work the calendars out and things like that. And it's, these are just some of the things that we do. We hope that it all makes, makes sense. We also didn't want to be so broad that it didn't make, it didn't land, but also there's just so many. The thing is, is that this is a new year. You're going to start seeing content from every influencer on the planet coming up with a, here's your five step strategy in order to lose weight. Here's your final, the seven steps to financial freedom. Here's the, the eight steps you need for pride, for the best mental health, like all of these things, you're going to start getting bombarded by these things. And we. Because we're, we're believers, these things are based in scripture, like that scripture, right? These things make them plain, right? I'm on tablets. Make it plain. Simple. It's simple. Doesn't mean it's easy. It just means it's simple. And the, the, this is the, the system you make doesn't need to be so complex.

Natalie: 22:31

No. And I think my final thought would be making sure that you find some community. Right. So whether that's a church group, uh, you know, putting your kids in youth group or some kind of, um, after school program or whatnot where they, um, can learn and grow. Absolutely. Um, we weren't meant to do life alone. And so oftentimes if we're struggling, uh, we have a community and I don't know what we could do without it.

22:58

Right.

Bryan: 22:59

I don't know where we would be, our kids would be if we didn't have our church community around us, our friends and our family, the, the, the friends that had become family because of, of the relationships that we've built through the church over these last many years. And so. There's so many different options where you can find community. I know sometimes it's really tough, especially if you're a bit more introverted, but there's people out there. There's good churches wherever you're listening to find a good church. We can't, I can't honestly, it's one of those things I can't talk about church enough because I think it's so incredibly valuable. And

Natalie: 23:30

it's such

Bryan: 23:31

an important part of our life, but also of, of the development and spiritual growth and mental health and just being around people. So there's one thing I wanted to ask all of you that are listening to this, um, we know that you live in the podcast cause you keep listening to it, but if you have a. Tip or a trick or a hack or a something that you want to share specifically about keeping track of your progress or how do you discipline yourself to, to, to grow? How do you discipline yourself for the 20? We want to hear about it. So send us an email. If you like this podcast, just share it with all of your friends, all of your family. Facebook. That's where you can let us know. You can also email if you have. Any of those things you want to share with us at amplified marriage at gmail. com. And as you hear us say every single time, we believe that your marriage can be reset, refreshed, recharged, and restored. Thank you so much for listening. Talk to you soon.