Season 3 Ep. 5// The Silent Strain:Tension

Bryan: 0:01

Malcolm X said this usually, when people are said they don't do anything, they just cry all over their condition, but when they get angry, they bring about a change. We are talking about avoiding problems and avoiding issues in the relationship and the actual physical manifestations, the stress, the things that come with you not actually dealing with problems and bringing about change in the relationship and actually bringing things to resolution. We know through science and studies that there is physical symptoms that actually bring a wedge between you and your spouse, you and your partner, you and your fiance, when you do not bring things to resolution, and some of those symptoms are headaches, upset stomachs, elevated blood pressure, chest pains, maybe you have problems sleeping, there's low energy, there's stomach problems, got acne, anxiety disorders, burnout, depression, diabetes, digestive issues. You get the point. If you're avoiding issues in your relationship, they may be. Something may not happen now, but it may affect you a little bit later. Welcome to another episode of Amplified Marriage. I am Brian, I'm Natalie, wherever you are, whatever you're doing, you hear this say all the time grab a coffee, grab some tea, get comfy. But today we're talking about something that is actually extremely important to relationships and to marriages and just to actually being better communicators.

Natalie: 1:53

And it's important to us because we have lived in this state for a long time and sometimes even now, being married, you know, for 22 years it still tries to creep back in and you, the tendency to want to revert to old ways of doing things isn't gone completely. Like we, I still have to make a conscious choice to not resort to old patterns of destructive behavior and even, as you were mentioning, you know some of the ailments that come from an increased state of tension and stress. I could not help but be like like check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check. And we're going to talk about that because, as we've been researching and you know we're not doctors and we're not clinicians and you know, super grateful that other people are wired and gifted in those areas to be able to bring about the research that we're going to talk about today One of the things is is stress and what that does to our mental state, our emotional state, our spiritual state, our physical state, and how that applies to conflict resolution and just being in a state of being able to assert yourself in communication and not and hopefully, I don't know maybe go as far as saying resolve some of these issues, if these are a lot of issues that are stemming from a state of tension and stress or at least being willing to face them maybe.

Bryan: 3:42

Maybe that's the like in. Here's the thing. Like today, this particular episode is really just a snapshot, like an intro into what we believe is a real problem for so many marriages. And we're talking about this like why is this so important that we discuss? Because we see marriages that are actually struggling in their relationship because they're not maybe they're confronting the issue in some cases, and in some cases we see couples that that we know, that we coach, that aren't actually addressing the issues. So you have both sides. You got people that are confronting the problem but never coming to resolution, and those that are avoiding the problem and still not coming to resolution. And it still brings about the same result as there's no resolution and there's stress. And so why is it so? Because people it's so important, because people in your relationships, if you're not dealing with them, it can cause it, it'll cause undue stress, like some of the things that I read, like the physical ailments, and then, as we go in the next few episodes, what actually is so important and why you deal with it. Like the now there's emotional and you said spiritual, there's physical, there's mental health. That all gets wrapped up into not dealing with it. And so important because it can lead to, ultimately it may bring you to a place where your relationship fails because you just avoided the issues instead of dealing with and I don't like this is the thing you hear that saying, oh, we just swept it under the rug. Well, the problem with sweeping under the rug is that eventually that rug turns into a giant pile and it's just filled with all the problems that you've just lifted up the rug and shoved it underneath and it's got. Now it's got anger and anxiety and abandonment and frustration and bitterness and rage and all kinds of things that are just piled high because you didn't want to deal with it. That may cause so much problems that you can't come back to a healthy relationship which. I say that, but we always really believe that almost every relationship can be restored.

Natalie: 5:33

Yes, and stress worsens your situation. It can worsen the symptoms that you're feeling like it amplifies, like amplified marriage. In the wrong way, and it can also worsen certain diseases that you might already have. Right like, not everything is caused by stress, but a lot of things are induced by stress.

Bryan: 5:57

Right and, that being said, like when you don't come to that resolution and even in some of our preparing there was something that we heard. It was the fight, flight or freeze, and it harms your body to constantly be in a state where you're your fight or your flight or you're in a freeze.

Natalie: 6:18

That's right, because you're you know, your adrenal glands, or your adrenaline right is is constantly firing, your cortisol levels are skyrocket, which you know isn't great for health, and, like your organs and things like that, you're always in a state of am I ready to fight for my life? Am I ready to run for my life or am I freezing because I'm paralyzed by fear? Right, and there's some physiological issues that happen when our bodies are in a constant state of that.

Bryan: 6:53

So which one do you think you are or?

Natalie: 6:57

were.

Bryan: 6:59

Or were. Where would be the better way to approach this?

Natalie: 7:01

Between the three.

Bryan: 7:03

Yeah.

Natalie: 7:04

Fight.

Bryan: 7:06

You think you were the fight.

Natalie: 7:09

Yeah, what you not agree? No, not at all. What do you think I was?

Bryan: 7:13

You were the fight.

Natalie: 7:15

What.

Bryan: 7:16

For the longest time in a relationship. I would want to deal with things and you would just.

Natalie: 7:19

Oh, oh, oh okay, I see I'm talking about like when I was under stress though. Yeah, that's true. Now I'd say I'd be fight, no, no, because I'm always fight.

Bryan: 7:31

I'm like which drives you bananas? Cause I'm ready just to face.

Natalie: 7:35

In retrospect it was probably flight or freeze or just shut down.

Bryan: 7:40

Yeah, oh yeah, shut down was a big part of your repertoire of what to do is like flight, or I just don't want to talk to you because you're at and let's be honest, like it's not, like I was like super good at, like we need to have. You know how you see it in the movies when two people are really healthy in their relationship. Or you're reading a book and they're like you know what? I think you and I need to have a chat and you're like, okay, let's go have a chat and they just calmly talk things through and at the end there's at the end there's this, this moment, and the cameras just zooming onto their faces and there's just pure love. No, usually by the end of our let's have a chat, it was a screaming match and we ended up like I slept on the couch or you slipped into, like that sunset and your rath thing didn't really work out for us Sometimes.

Natalie: 8:19

No, and I highly doubt we're alone.

Bryan: 8:22

Yeah, right, that's true.

Natalie: 8:24

And I mean our. One of our major huge struggles and biggest tension, stress and issues in our marriage was finances, and we had mentioned in several of our earlier podcasts about that being kind of one of the major Cause. We was broke and we didn't spend well when we had money.

Bryan: 8:41

That's right.

Natalie: 8:45

You know, we did not steward our money well because we had an unhealthy relationship with our money, right.

Bryan: 8:49

And so what we're saying is that this is the beginning of what we hope is going to be an informative few episodes that are really going to help you and your partner your spouse figures some stuff out and actually resolves submission and understand why that there's actual like you can say, like I'm I'm the king of like. I can deal with stress, but I've noticed in my older age I can actually handle way more than I could when I was younger.

Natalie: 9:13

But I also am much more aware of what things are causing me stress and what is it Right and maybe you are in a position where you're like cool, I, I've been feeling some of these things Right that we've been talking about and the hope is that maybe you can have a light bulb moment of like. Maybe I am stressed out, maybe there is tension here that I didn't realize could be a contributing factor. Absolutely Obviously, we will never say do seek medical attention.

Bryan: 9:45

Yeah.

Natalie: 9:46

Absolutely, if you're experiencing chest pains and you're experiencing um digestive issues and exciting attacks go see a doctor. We cannot stress that enough.

Bryan: 9:58

We just want to, we want to go through some of these things. There are their actual physical, uh like physical manifestations and some of the language that we were reading. Under stress, your heart pumps faster, uh. Stress hormones uh cause your blood vessels to constrict and you divert more oxygen to your muscles, so you have more strength to take, take action. But it also raises your blood pressure and the result frequent or chronic stress, will make your work, your heart work, too hard for too long. Right. And if you already have like, say you have chronic heart issues because your family like genetically, this isn't good for you.

Natalie: 10:33

No.

Bryan: 10:33

Right and what. What we're seeing is even in the studies for people that are doing heart stress or just life stress, is that even if you didn't have a chronic issue, you can actually stress yourself into having chronic problems.

Natalie: 10:45

Yes, and, like I would say, heart palpitations as well. That was my own experience when, I was when I get stressed or filled with anxiety or fear or or that, um, how can I describe it? Like a narrowing in. I get chest tightness and chest or heart palpitations where my heart is like you're almost like going into a, um, hyperventilating, like hyperventilating where you just can't control your breathing and things like that, right. So for me that also um is a symptom.

Bryan: 11:26

Yeah, Right, Well, and that's even some of the things that we read. That's actually fairly normal. That's like having an anxiety attack your heart's palp, everything's. Your heart's palpating, palpating.

Natalie: 11:37

Yes, right. Um, another article we read says stress induces chronic immune activation, which essentially just means that you trigger your immune system to function and fire at a level it's not supposed to.

Bryan: 11:54

And it's fighting the wrong thing. It's fighting the wrong things.

Natalie: 11:57

Yes, and what they had said, which I thought was so fascinating, was that it alters health outcomes that resemble those seen in chronic inflammatory diseases such as rheumatoid arthritis, which I was floored when I read that that your response to stress and tension can actually alter health outcomes and resemble other illnesses and other implement, like inflammation, illnesses, which is just mind boggling. That, for those of us that you know, live in that state of nervousness, live in that state of always. You're on edge, like the amount of what's the word I'm looking for, like the burden that you're putting your body through. It's just, it's overwhelming.

Bryan: 12:48

I like how you said it, it's the burden you're putting your body through, partially because of the the stress around you, but because you get to a certain place, you're just choosing this, because that's what you know. You don't know anything else right right and I. That's altered immune function. It can exacerbate symptoms in both physical or physical and physiological illnesses. We got all of our information, or some of our information, from psychology today and the American psychological association Super detailed and what they had here.

Natalie: 13:17

We're gonna be referencing them a few times.

Bryan: 13:20

Yeah, a few times.

Natalie: 13:21

I thought it was one of the most fascinating things I had read, as someone who Suffered with anxiety and I was always at a heightened level- for everything for everything. It didn't matter what it was. It could be non triggering. Triggering there was always an undercurrent of anxiety, and what this is from a 2016 article from psychology today says this beware of the exterior in yourself or Others, because here we go. Anger is a primary emotion underlying Anxiety right. I remember when, when I read this the other day, I was just like you have got to be kidding me, right. That that's sort of like the undercurrent of anxiety is a state of anger. It was surprising to me right, well it's.

Bryan: 14:21

It shouldn't be like Even in psychology. They look a minute, what do we know? Like it's see, if my, my response isn't fight, flight or freeze. It was always fight. I only had one, and it was always to fight with everything. And whenever I get and still to this Day, when I get to a certain level of stress, I just get angry and and how I and how I face my stress is by dealing with the Problem, but in not necessarily always healthily like dealing with angrily right. And anger is such a powerful motion and and when you're not, if you don't deal with your anger properly and you don't like have a proper outlet or learn how to manage it, or learn how to be like here's the thing that the world doesn't want to hear right now. Or current current culture is like if you have anger, that's that's okay, man, like it's it's okay that you feel these things. You don't need to control that. No, no, no. There needs to be a as a man, as a man I'm saying this as a man you need to control yourself. You need to have self-discipline. You need to be disciplined enough to know that, hey, I'm angry and not lash out so do women. Yes, but I can't say that to you because you're a woman and like I need you to control your temper right, I know I need to control my temper. Well, the only here's the funny thing is your temper. I know how mad you are by how much French you speak to me. In the moment, I think that's how. That's how I know things are Going poorly, as if I get the French right. So anger is a super powerful emotion. It is something you, if not dealt with, then it'll control your life.

Natalie: 15:48

Collins dictionary defines tension as this. We're kind of on the anxiety topic here tension is the feeling that is produced in a situation when people are anxious and do not trust each other and when there is a Possibility of sudden violence or conflict. So that's Collins dictionary. It's definition of tension, which I was just like this Just so there's no. This is just gonna get better if we keep this attitude of tension.

Bryan: 16:15

Did you ever fear that I was gonna be violent?

Natalie: 16:19

No.

Bryan: 16:21

But you knew that you were going to be facing conflict yes, not violence, and the tough part about this is that that may not be our story. But that may be someone else's, but that definitely is someone else's story where they fear that the anger because it might come with violence or some sort of violence, whether it's verbal abuse or emotional abuse or physical abuse like there's something that happens if you're not dealing with your anger. And often, but not always often men struggle that a lot more than women. I would say yes, in our experience.

Natalie: 16:57

Yes, I, and we didn't grab a statistic for how many percentage of men versus women.

Bryan: 17:02

Yeah, right, go with that route. But I know that that was definitely my problem. It was very much. It was an anger.

Natalie: 17:09

Yeah, and there's lots of women that are just like that, right, and I think there's an increase or maybe not an increase, but more of an open awareness to men who suffer violence.

Bryan: 17:20

Right.

Natalie: 17:21

From women. Psychology today also says these terrible choose so that's anxiety and anxiety and anger or the terrible choose, increase your vulnerability to illnesses, especially upper respiratory, because it compromises your immune system, it exacerbates your pain and increases the risk of death from cardiovascular disease and from all sources of death. Wow, like if that doesn't kind of alert you or wake you up. Anger is more than an emotion. It's a conduit that intensifies anxiety.

Bryan: 17:55

Yeah, and we know, we know someone in particular that lives their whole life on anxiety and anger and they're constantly sick, they're constantly have physical health problems and they go to the doctor all the time and they never, ever, get any resolution as to what's going on. The doctor says stress and they don't want to believe it, but they're just. They live in anger and anxiety and when you talk about it, it's just anger and it's constant, it's constant, it's constant. Been a doctor many, many times and there's never any health resolutions for it.

Natalie: 18:30

Or tools to cope with it.

Bryan: 18:32

Right.

Natalie: 18:33

Sometimes like you're launched in a situation that is not your doing. Yeah, Absolutely. And that's what happens when things happen to you. These effects of tension and stress are like it doesn't differentiate between if something was inflicted upon you or you inflicted it upon yourself. Right? The end result is the same tension and stress. This is what happens, and if you find yourself in a place where you you need to get help in order to be able to see right. Hey, this is the result of this or this is a result of something that you have allowed or that you kind of put on yourself, or that was inflicted upon you without your wanting. Seeing a therapist, seeing a psychologist or a counselor or anything so valuable.

Bryan: 19:23

Well and like even if we were to, just as as you're talking, just kind of breaking down this thing the the stress that's easier to leave unless you struggle with just taking on everything. But a stress that's easier to leave is, say, stress that's environmental, like you go to work, you have to deal with your job from nine to five or whatever that happens to be that stress you can leave at work, like you should be able to leave that at work, right, like sometimes it comes home but but oftentimes that stress is is something that is external and like an external stress that you have to deal with, but it's not emotional, it's not taking up rent in your head or taking up space in your head. There's not renting a spot in your head, but sometimes, oftentimes, marriage issues that are compounded or relationship issues or even friend to friend issues, because they're more emotional and they're more it's not an external issue, it's an actual relational thing between me and you is that when we can't resolve this issue, it causes tension and that actually does rent space in your head. That's right. It does take space up in your heart. It actually affects the things, because it's not something I can just leave. I was like I have to. I go to work, and which is what happens with people is that, instead of using like going to work so it aids you in your relationship, when you come home with your wife, they're going to work to hide from what's happening at home.

Natalie: 20:45

Right.

Bryan: 20:45

Which is what I did for a long time. I went to work, worked 15 hours a day, six, seven days a week, so I didn't have to deal with what was going on at home. But there's that part, but those things. What happens is that, because they're piling up, it's external, it actually does take up space and then it begins to sap your energy and it saps how you make decisions and it saps all of that, because it's not an external problem, it's an internal issue.

Natalie: 21:05

Now, that's right. And it's not just big things like finances or having children or a diagnosis, it's. It's like let me talk to the people pleasers out there.

Bryan: 21:17

Yeah.

Natalie: 21:19

Like I refer to myself as a recovering people pleaser, because the amount of stress and anxiety and tension that is that is created by my own doing, of the motivation behind why I'm doing certain things because out of a fear that they won't like me or they will judge me or this or that or that, like your brain is constantly over firing. My brain was and it was just like the almost make myself sick, trying to be all things to all people and the thought of not being able to fulfill that role that no one put me in but myself. Right was just. I'm not that I would rather die, but it's overwhelming like that that you feel like you will, you know, implode if you don't live up to those expectations that no one put on you.

Bryan: 22:21

Or, in my case, anyways, for people pleasers in particular.

Natalie: 22:24

Yeah, right, and so this is that thing of like nothing was inflicted upon me. I inflicted those um which. Which actually expectations.

Bryan: 22:35

That's where I'm looking for which actually was really hard for you and I to deal with at some points, because I am not a people pleaser.

Natalie: 22:42

No.

Bryan: 22:43

And you were, and you would do things, and I would never understand why are you doing that? It doesn't matter if that person is happy or not, like that. That's not good for you. It's better for them, for sure, and it's actually causing you both stress and it would, and I would, and I would say that and I wouldn't argue with you or fight with you about it, and it just caused undue stress. Cause I'm not a people pleaser. I'm like why did we have to do it this way? This, this doesn't make any sense and and it just was really tough at certain points.

Natalie: 23:13

And setting healthy boundaries at the beginning created tension and stress because it was so overwhelming. And I remember my counselor saying what is the worst thing that could happen if you say no, right, and I was like, oh, that's a loaded gun.

Bryan: 23:28

They might not like me.

Natalie: 23:29

That's a loaded question. I might be disowned, I might like right and you go through all of these things that have not happened.

Bryan: 23:36

Right.

Natalie: 23:37

But these are the processes that you have to walk through and I'm at a place now where I can say no, and it is my favorite word because it's empowering right when you can get to a place of it, of realizing that setting healthy boundaries is not a bad thing. It's not.

Bryan: 23:55

It shouldn't induce stress and tension and and the other thing is is that if you don't resolve them, that emotional pull, that emotional fight, that emotional strain that you're experiencing, it really does spill over into all aspects of your life. It goes or life goes into your work, it goes into your relationships, your church.

Natalie: 24:17

Depression comes in full. It's like right after that, if you don't deal with it and you don't resolve it. And I and I, I lived it.

Bryan: 24:30

Right.

Natalie: 24:31

You brought this sense of like utter hopelessness, and you're so beat down that there doesn't seem to be a way up, and so you just perpetuate this cycle.

Bryan: 24:41

Yeah, do you remember like there's a portion here that we're? I think we should actually talk about the effect that I had on our kids. Are we willing one of our episodes? But we, the constant fighting and the stress and the stuff that we're going to, it becomes a problem and can cause issues actually in your children and like behavioral issues and there might be chronic issues because they're so stressed out because you two are constantly in conflict. Right, and there's something that was said in one of these articles I think it was in the APA one. Often children whose parents aren't happy in their marriages tend to act out or misbehave as a way of expressing their feelings Because they're not being heard, they're not being seen, they're not being valued. And it's scary to have the kind of thing. Do you remember?

Natalie: 25:28

In the Walmart parking lot.

Bryan: 25:29

In the Walmart parking lot. We were at odds.

Natalie: 25:33

Oh, we were like all that. We had all of our children. That wasn't when your dad passed.

Bryan: 25:37

There was just a trip. We come to visit Katie and Jeremy. We had come down for a trip and we literally, it seemed like all we did was fight all the way down for the first few days. So much so that mom my mom was like are you guys okay? And we're like yeah, we're fine. What do you mean? What's wrong? Like we're not?

Natalie: 25:53

fighting. And the thing is here. We're so dumb. Sometimes we had a minivan and we were in the front and there was the middle seat sections and then the back seat sections and we thought we were far enough away so we weren't talking very loud.

Bryan: 26:09

Yeah, I'm not, but let's be honest.

Natalie: 26:10

I'm not that quiet. I'm not that quiet when I'm angry. But wasn't even thinking about our kids in the back seat listening to our conversation.

Bryan: 26:20

Three or two. We had all three, all three, that's right. This wasn't that many years ago actually. It was probably only like eight or nine, 10 years ago. Well yeah, it'd probably be 11. Yeah, anyway, and do you remember who was it that said to us. Was it Ezra? What did he say?

Natalie: 26:41

We were just at odds with each other and he was watching us and he was sitting directly. He was in diagonal to the passenger front seat and I just happened to make eye contact with him and I could just see the tears welled up in his eyes and spilling down his face and it like caught me off guard and I looked at him and I'm like son, what is wrong? And his little lip was quivering and he's like you are always fighting. And I remember I looked back at you and you looked at me and it was like talk about a light bulb moment Cause.

Bryan: 27:23

then we looked back at Rainan and Rainan was actually crying too.

Natalie: 27:28

And Amherst was still.

Bryan: 27:29

She was there. She was like what's going on when? What was it? She was still a baby, but you just we looked at the boys and they were both crying and then, as Rainan said the same thing to us, you guys just have only cause he was older he could speak more. He said you guys only have fought since we've left Prince George. And it was in that moment that we like, right there, it was a light bulb. It changed us in that moment.

Natalie: 27:52

And so you know when your children are hurting.

Bryan: 27:56

Yeah.

Natalie: 27:57

And if that doesn't move you right.

Bryan: 28:03

Even thinking back to it, you're like man, that was a hard, that was a hard reality.

Natalie: 28:07

Brought us to tears and we looked at each other and we're like what are we doing?

Bryan: 28:11

Yeah, and we ended up having a really great trip. I remember that we did.

Natalie: 28:15

And we're just like kids. We are sorry, right, and it was kind of, you know, out of the mouths of babes, right, sometimes it takes their perspective to snap you out of it, and that's exactly what we needed, but to say that there aren't issues that spill over into everyday life and it's a domino effect If things aren't well with you, things might not be well with the kids, it spills over into your spouse. it spills over into your kids, into your home life, into your family, into your friends, into work, church, school, right, it just is a domino effect, and so we really want to spend some time in the next coming episodes and just really kind of break that down.

Bryan: 28:59

Well and like, even as we're thinking what's the stress point in your own relationship? What is the conflict that you may maybe you may be even talking about it every couple days, but you're just avoiding dealing with the issue. What's the stress point? What's the thing that you're sweeping under the rug? What's the problem or the tension that you have in your relationship that's actually causing you physical it's not only is it emotional harm and spiritual harm, and mental it's like mental block, but what's that thing that's preventing your marriage from being the best it could be, because you are unwilling to face that issue.

Natalie: 29:36

That's right, right, and the hope is that this will just be a push, an informative like oh my goodness, perhaps this is kind of what's going on in my situation, which is, I mean, we needed that.

Bryan: 29:52

And our challenge to you is when you hear this and you know where we're going with it, take an examination of your own heart, of your own relationship, of your own spouse or your relationship, and one be accountable for your actions. Don't expect them to change just because, like you are, you need to be responsible for you. But, boy, what are the things that are stopping you from moving forward, exactly? So we're looking forward to be able to continue on this. Just know that there is hope. Things can be changed, restoration can happen, you can have a really great relationship.

Natalie: 30:29

Oh, 100%. And this is just. This is just being able to recognize tension and stress and the effects that that has on your body and then, as we move into breaking that down to like conflict resolution and why holding onto tension and stress is so harmful to your marriage, perhaps it can offer some tools in your tool belt, like it did for us.

Bryan: 30:53

Right. So if you like our podcast, you like what's coming up. We just means a lot when you share it, let people know about amplified marriage. So we ask that if you have a topic or a question or anything like that, you can follow us on Instagram or Facebook. You can DM us to those places or you can email us an amplified marriage at gmailcom. And, as you've heard us say, you've said these words a few times in this, in this podcast, but we believe that your marriage can be reset refreshed, recharged and restored. Thanks so much for listening.

Natalie: 31:24

Talk to you soon.