Why Be a Copycat When You Can Be a Unicorn? (Part 1)

Bryan: 0:14

Welcome to the Amplified Marriage Podcast. Today we are talking about comparison and how comparison in your relationship is probably sucking the life right out of it. Tune in. This is gonna be a good one.

Natalie: 0:45

Welcome to another episode of Amplified Marriage. I'm Natalie. And I'm Bryan. Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, as you hear us say every podcast, grab a coffee, grab a tea snack, sit on the couch. Join us for a chat. As we talk about comparison,

Bryan: 1:02

why or why is comparison so challenging?

Natalie: 1:08

Personally, the first thing that comes to my mind is it comes from a state of Discontentment. Really? Yep.

Bryan: 1:15

So you tell me before every episode that we do not to ask you just questions off the cuff, and then I do. And then wisdom just pours out of you. If you could see her face one day we'll have this videoed and you should see her face when she does these things. But for crying out loud like that is such a really good start. The comparison comes from a place of discontentment. Right,

Natalie: 1:35

and, and you know how it came so quickly to me because I have lived it.

Bryan: 1:40

What are you saying?

Natalie: 1:42

I've lived in the state of comparison. Yeah, I remember this. It's a, it's a steeler of joy. It robs you of what you, what good you have in your relationship. I think it keeps you focused on yourself. Hmm. And your needs versus anyone else's needs. Like even serving your spouse. That's right. And honestly, like makes you a miserable person.

Bryan: 2:09

And, and not only does it make you a miserable person, it makes the person that you're doing the comparison of it makes them miserable too.

Natalie: 2:18

That's right. Right. And depending on who you're, who the receiving person is. Yeah. Like if it were you if I was the one that was at the receiving end of being like, like, Compared to other people. And I'm sure at some point there was an instance where you were kind of the perpetrator of, that doesn't come to my mind at this moment, but being a recovering people pleaser, it would've sent me into a frenzy of trying to work overtime to fix it. Right? And so thus comes like unhealthy habits, unhealthy. Projections and antics that I know myself capable of to prevent that view that you might have had of me. Hmm. But you not being a people pleaser what the, my sort of like thrusting that comparison picture on you. It just made you mad. Yeah, because you were like, I'm not striving to meet you anywhere because,

Bryan: 3:26

Well, and like the, here's the thing though, is that that's not that I was like at the beginning when this was a real problem for us. I wasn't like a, I was a good husband. I was a good at being just a human. I was just, you know, I was kind of a mess. Like, and it's not like, You comparing me to other people spurred me on to do better? No, it actually

Natalie: 3:46

you dug your heels

Bryan: 3:46

in. It just done pissed me off and yeah, and it just made me worse because I felt like I had to prove who I was and it, thinking back, I don't remember thinking I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be this guy just because she said she wants me to be that guy. No, I'm gonna be, and I never ever thought that, but I've never, but I can remember my behavior, right. And, and literally doing things that were the opposite because I'm a stubborn. Mule sometimes doing the opposite of what would make you happy because you compared me to that other person. I remember you doing that just with the other, other people. Now, I remember talking before, before we, we recorded this, I remember talking about it beforehand, and you're like, oh, yeah, I used to do it with friends or say things or do things. I don't remember those specifically, but I just remembered you looking at someone and be like, man, why? Oh, like almost like Brian, give your head a shake,

Natalie: 4:37

right? And. It came from a place of lack. It came from a place of, that part of whatever I was needing wasn't being fulfilled. Right. And so,

Bryan: 4:48

but it was the expectation that if I was better, I would fulfill that.

Natalie: 4:56

No, I don't think it was a matter of being better. I think it was more like self-aware of how your behavior was hurtful. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Right. There was no self-awareness in the first. I'd say 10 years of our marriage, what? Right. And how do we survive for both of us? Right. Oh yeah. No, I get it. Right. So it wasn't just Brian. And Pastor Brody, if you're listening, I am fully aware of my fault. He'll know what we're talking about. I'm very self-aware of the crazy stunts I tried to pull in order to get your behavior to change. All the while it wasn't the behavior modification that I was after. It was a heart transformation. Yeah. And that wouldn't come until I started dealing with some issues within my own heart towards you. So that's when the heart transformation

Bryan: 5:48

came. Would it have made you happy? This is, this is a random thought that this came to me. Would it have made you happy for me just to, to do what you wanted rather than be stubborn? No. Well, because, because Would you rather have me just someone who just, who just gives up? Well,

Natalie: 6:07

in the moment it would've been instant gratification. Right. But you're not a puppet.

Bryan: 6:11

But you would've, you would've essentially trained me to be a weak person. Almost right. You know, like, cause I psych, I wouldn't have no idea. She, she seems she wants this and wants me to be like this guy. So I'm just gonna give up who I am to be that person.

Natalie: 6:22

I wouldn't say train, I would say, well, that strong words, but I just kind of like beat you down with my words and then just be so right. Yeah. Yeah. Because that was, What I knew. Well, that's what was modeled, right? Oh, to me as a pattern that worked. I gotcha. And so I'm like, ma, I'll try it. It does not work. I, I suggest you.

Bryan: 6:45

And when they say that daughters marry their, the someone that's like their fathers, you married the opposite of your dad.

Natalie: 6:51

Right. There's, there's that little bit of, there's that rebellious streak within my personality that Did you marry

Bryan: 7:01

me just despite your dad?

Natalie: 7:04

No, I love you. So I married you, but I wish you were

Bryan: 7:08

on camera. Your eyeballs did a thing.

Natalie: 7:12

But did I need their approval of you? No. Would it have been nice to have it? Sure. But as we go along on our journey Yeah. Yeah. Turned out to be pretty darn good.

Bryan: 7:26

So then here's, here's the question, and I appreciate the compliment just for everyone hears that I gotta write down in the, I'm just kidding. That was just silly. I tell you all the time how awesome I am. I know I'm awesome. But would it have been, did, did your desire not to have your parents' approval of me because I just didn't care what your parents thought of me. Did it, did that make it easier for you to not care, or you just were like, no, it took

Natalie: 7:53

a long time. It took a long time for me to come to a place where I could stand on my own two feet. Right. Even if it meant I stood alone. Right. So it's not about, this is not their life. Yeah. This is not their wants and their expectations. Those are, those are things they have to own. This is my life, right? And these are my choices and my decisions that I'm making. And you know, as we were going through hard times, did I have thoughts of like, what did I do? Yes. Right? I did. I would be lying if I didn't. Did I want to spend my life with anyone else? No. Did I want to make it work? Yes. And so we exhausted. All measures, both of us coming to a place where, yes, we both want to work on the marriage. We both wanted to work out. And so then you put in the work. Yeah. And it became less about their thoughts and opinions on the matter. And it became more about, this is our family, this is our lives. And kind of like if you have nothing encouraging to say, then maybe. Choose the route of not saying anything at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. And so I say that not, not to, you know, discourage open dialogue with family and friends, but you really need to be discerning of whether or not that's crossing a line. And. Being more disparaging and more damaging than actually

Bryan: 9:21

helpful. Well, and the other thing too, I think I would add to that just for, cuz I know we actually have coached a lot of couples that have struggled with this, where parents just were really str really struggling to accept one or the other. Mm-hmm. Or like the, like whatever the spouse was or whatever the, the choice was. So that being said, like, There comes a time in your relationship where you have to choose in your life who has input that actually is for you. Yes. And your relationship. And the hard truth is, and we had to make this decision probably after the 10 years when we finally gained a little bit of emotional awareness. We had to make that decision as to we are not going to invite counsel or advice from them because they're not for us. That's right. And it it for so long, no matter what I did, it was always wrong. No matter what job I did, they were unhappy with no matter what career choice I I was choosing and they didn't like it. That's right. They especially despised the fact or despised me, that's a strong word, but disliked the fact that I went into ministry. Yeah. To be a pastor or even served at a church for a long time, cuz that wasn't academic. And

Natalie: 10:28

so, so can I just say to those that might find themselves in a similar situation, academics does not determine the character of the person, right? So you can have all the degrees under your belt and be a total. Tool bag. Yes. Right, right. And you can be uneducated as far as post-secondary and be a stellar

Bryan: 10:48

of human beings, so, right. Like they really put a premium on the fact that. I should have been like high or like college educated, like university level. I have lots of training. I got all kinds of training that I've picked up over the years. I still take training. Mm-hmm. We still do do things like this, like conflict resolution and HR training and yeah, all kinds of counseling. Like we've done all kinds of training, but that was never good enough. No.

Natalie: 11:11

And, and you have to come to a point within yourself that you don't need their

Bryan: 11:15

affirmation. So did, did the decision to, like how to word this, like, because I just didn't care what your parents thought. Nope, because they, they made it abundantly apparent early on and more leaning to your mom than your dad necessarily. Although the academics was a real thing, but I didn't really care and I think that bothered them. That I just wouldn't like drop everything to listen to what they were saying and, and make completely change up in my life and career. That's right. To do what they chose.

Natalie: 11:45

That's right. And it's again, it's not up to them. Right. There comes a point where your children become adults. Right. And your input into their life becomes solicited when asked for. Right. Not just. Barfed on them because they're your kids, right? So

Bryan: 12:07

right, you get to a certain place where, You just have to make that decision. And, and I'm, I, I'm actually surprised now that we've been coaching couples for a while, how often it happens from couples ranging from like young 20 19, 20, 21 years old, all the way up to couples that have meddling parents at 40 years old or 45. I'm like, are you, there

Natalie: 12:26

is a better way. People Come on. There's

Bryan: 12:29

a better way. Parents just need to let go. Just let it go and just move on. Anyway, back to back to what we're talking comparison. Our first point that we had, which we've talked about a little bit, is it actually breeds resentment.

Natalie: 12:39

Resentment, and this is a prime example of Oh, like exactly what we were talking about, about overbearing, meddling in-laws, right. Parents, friends. Yeah, you fill in the blanks. It does breed resentment because you know, when we've said before in lots of our podcasts that you become who you hang out with, right? And so if you are in the company of negative people, of people that talk down your spouse constantly, and after a while those words begin to take root and

Bryan: 13:10

they start being the things that you think and they, and

Natalie: 13:12

my, oh yeah. Towards my husband. And you begin to see them through that lens and it's totally wrong. But it's real. Yeah. It's a fact. Comparison leads to resentment. It might not show its ugly face for some time. Wow. But when it comes out, it's going to be ugly. And it did, it was a bone of contention in our, in our marriage of creating an environment where it was just volatile. Right. Would be the only word. And, and, and it was particularly worse the more I was around it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. And so there was, I didn't trust myself. I didn't trust you. I didn't, I trusted the input where it was coming from because these are, these are family members. Like you're supposed to trust your family. And I think that just I dunno how to say it.

Bryan: 14:07

Well, you, you and I think just even as we're just sitting here, just kind of what's coming to me is like, just because they're your family, they still have to earn your trust and keep your trust. Right. And they still have to earn a place and to whether or not you would listen to them wisdom wise. Mm-hmm. And they, they don't get it just because they're blood.

Natalie: 14:28

No. No. And the The, the types of questions that I'd get asked would be, you know, like, who's watching your kids? Be like, my husband is watching his children,

Bryan: 14:43

I'm babysitting my own

Natalie: 14:44

kids. Well, is he gonna give them a bath? Like he should know that they need a bath. Is stuff like that that you're like the, the air of. My spouse being incompetent. And it really bred that inadequacy, like, you know, oh, well, you know, men should take out the garbage and men should deal with like all the car things. And then, oh my gosh, I'm looking at you. And I'm like, he doesn't take the garbage at, at all. Right. Yeah. And it just, it begins to feed the beast.

Bryan: 15:10

And we have what? Blue job and pink jobs in our house.

Natalie: 15:13

We do now. Right. And there's just jobs. I mean, we delegate to our kids and they all have responsibilities and stuff, stuff like that. And I mean, who cares? I take out the garbage. It's not the end of the world, but when, when there's an area of lack and that, you know, in hindsight wasn't area of lack, that there was something in our relationship that I wasn't getting. Mm-hmm. That It wasn't working in the positive. It certainly didn't work in the negative, but you know what I mean? Yeah. At the beginning when we talked about more like using the words and like beating you down in order to get that, that behavior modification I was not. You know, sure. I'll try the negative approach and maybe that will like which snap you out of it.

Bryan: 15:57

I think what you said though was, was kind of a key thing is it was modeled to you. Mm-hmm. Right. And so cuz just that negative and you see it in movies, you see it on tv, you see, you read it in articles and this type of thing, like honestly comparison can lead to domestic abuse. Because be be whether it's like man to woman, woman to man, At some point someone's gonna snap and it's not gonna be good. Yeah. And then that's where sin comes in and that's where gossip comes in. And possibly stepping out comes in in adultery and pornography. And you end up in all these scenarios where you've just allowed this to come in because you thought the only way to communicate with your husband to make him better was to No, no, no. The way you're gonna do this is through kind words. Yeah. It's the way through is through encouragement. It's a way through loving, loving them. In, in the flaws that they have to move them on, right? To help them grow.

Natalie: 16:51

Like if you think of a balloon and every negative word, a little bit of that balloon deflates, right? Eventually there's not gonna be any air left in that balloon, right? And you come to a point where when you are at the receiving end of the comparison there comes a point in your. Marriage in your relationship where you just don't have the energy to fight anymore. Right. And you just, one will either have the courage to just walk away or two, you'll just take it. Yeah. Right. And so Like we say in all the things, these are points to bring up a discussion, give you tools in your tool belt. There is a better way. Yeah. You just because something was modeled to you doesn't make it right. Right, right. And for you to come to a place in your own journey to recognize what's healthy and what's not. For sure. And if it's not healthy it's not too late. Yeah.

Bryan: 17:54

That's for sure. I think this was originally gonna be one, one podcast, but I think that we'll just do the two points. This kind of took a

Natalie: 18:03

different

Bryan: 18:03

turn actually. Yeah. It, it kind of, it kind of went a little bit. We,

Natalie: 18:07

we, we've got a lot of content points. Do we have, we have four points and we might, we might just break this up into four.

Bryan: 18:14

No, would, should we try for the next one? Like, I, I really, I think that if, if just even in the coaching. World or, and like the coaching couples. I think that with this comparison thing, the, the issue with comparison is that so often it, it shows up as many different things. Mm-hmm. It shows up as anger, frustration bitterness, lack of communication. Anything that you An underhanded insult. Un yeah. Like, and all of it. And, and really it's because you are saying, well, I want Brian to be like, you look at a husband even with one of our friends as someone that we know. Mm-hmm. And maybe never verbalize it to me. But the way you speak will show what's in the heart. And you'll say, well, I want Brian to be like Bill for instance, or a husband that you know is doing well, like Greg, one of her friends, we were in Prince George. Like, I want Brian to be like Greg. Not, not in personality, just I want him to, to be that attentive and to, and the, the thing is, is that that frustration shows up in so many different things that you may actually miss the fact that you've actually been comparing your husband to someone else. But the comments you've been saying are actually comments of comparison.

Natalie: 19:31

Right. No. And actually you brought up a good point cuz we had mentioned earlier, like you become who you hang out with and, and Greg was instrumental in your life because this Bryant, my husband had lots of. Anger issues like father wounds, explosive and things like that was not, he was kind of a bull in a China shop and sometimes he can still be like that, but it's much temp, more tempered now. But Greg was, was that steady Eddie Levelheaded, calm this guy. Soft-spoken but not a pushover. No, not at all. Patient. He had the patience of job and he was instrumental in modeling to you. Healthy

Bryan: 20:17

manhood. Well, and also just being sometimes really blunt with me and just being like, Brian, no.

Natalie: 20:22

Exactly right. And so yes, I mean you, it's modeled to you just as the negative can be modeled to you or unhealthy patterns can be modeled, so can healthy ones. Right? Right. And so Greg modeled healthy right behaviors and healthy ways to speak to. Your wife and to speak to just people in general, like relationship wise. He was just really instrumental.

Bryan: 20:48

So, and that's, and that's why we so often talk about accountability and mentorship. It's important, it's super important that men and women in their relationship have people that they can just go to and just lay it all down,

Natalie: 21:00

right? And go to, and we say this. Carefully not go to, to, to complain. Talk about how crapy hundred percent your spouse is, that's not helpful. If you wanna talk about, you know go talk to a therapist, right? Or they're gonna have some solutions, right? Not necessarily your friends, because, you know, as much as we like to say that we're non-biased, you know, if my girlfriend comes to me and is like this, that, and this, that about her husband, naturally speaking, my first thought. Is like, how dare he? Right? Yeah. And then afterwards, you know, I have to catch myself because there's always two sides, right? Mm-hmm. So you just want to have people that aren't afraid to call you out in the areas that you are also not being healthy in

Bryan: 21:47

a hundred percent. And that's, that's the like, and that's why it's so important, like, Defined and because hate we're Christians, I'm a pastor. Faith and community have been so important to our walk of success in our relationship.

Natalie: 22:05

Super important. And with our, and in a lot of ways have been closer than family. Yeah. Right. They

Bryan: 22:10

are my family. Yeah. Because you, you make decisions regarding your family. That, and, and here's the thing is that so often in relationships bec there's a whole thing, their family. And so you let your family stomp on you wound, you hurt you just because of the word family. Mm-hmm. And it's not word that we're advocating at all that you separate from your family if they make you mad. I'm saying like, if it's a destructive, toxic environment and it's, that's the pattern. You do not have to tolerate that pattern. Not at all. You don't like Henry Cloud. He's a, a red in marriage. He says you get what you tolerate. Mm-hmm. And it's very much not only for your relationship with your spouse, you get what you tolerate if you never stand up to your spouse. Whoever it is, man, woman, if you never spend send up. So if I never send up to Natalie, she'll never know what my boundary is. A hundred percent. And it's the same thing with your families. If you never, and yes, there's families that are narcissistic and they're super destructive and they're super really deep, dark problems that are just breaking the family. You don't have to tolerate that and,

Natalie: 23:11

and comparison happens. It, well, in our situation, it was in that whole thing. It was like, well, you know, Praising this person's accolades academically or praising this person's this, that, or the other. We weren't exempt, so it was happening within our marriage, but it was also happening externally spoken into our marriage. Right, right. In hopes that that would change. And that just, that just breeds that just takes it to a whole nother level. Yeah. The resentment is a real thing. And it took a long time for me to unpack that.

Bryan: 23:44

Yeah. To, to get to the, because, because you were a people pleaser. Yeah. You really just wanted to please your parents to please your friends. A hundred

Natalie: 23:57

percent. And, and resentment towards you in the, in the areas that I felt you were not providing. Yeah. But also resentment for me. Sorry. Resentment about myself. Yeah. I was resenting myself for even allowing it, for even entertaining it. Yeah. Right. And so it's this, this bizarre, almost double-edged sword and this cycle that, you know, resentment breeds more resentment. Yeah. And I mean, yes, you, you, you, what was that tolerate thing that you said? You get what you tolerate, you get what you tolerate. Right. What am I choosing to feed? Am I, am I choosing to feed on the negative areas in my life, in my, in my marriage that I'm discontent about, but yet have never even given you the courtesy of a conversation about it, which

Bryan: 24:48

will be a really good one for us to talk about next week. Mm-hmm. Like if you had a, a final thought. What would your final, final encouragement to someone who's struggling with the one being the one who's comparing their husband to someone else or comparing their wife to someone else, what would your final words of encouragement from a recovering people pleaser?

Natalie: 25:12

I don't, I don't think I understood. So, but you're asking because I was the one also comparing you, but then I

Bryan: 25:20

Yeah. So encourage the one who's doing the same thing you were,

Natalie: 25:24

who is doing the comparing. Yeah. And who's in that mindset. Yeah. What

Bryan: 25:28

would you say to someone? Well, one,

Natalie: 25:30

I would ask, how's it working?

Bryan: 25:33

That's such a good question.

Natalie: 25:35

How's this going for you? Right. Because if you know, part of coming to self-awareness is, self is introspective work. Right. And I can ask myself, I'm, I'm very attuned with how I am, and I can ask myself like, is that actually working? No, it's not, but I don't know what else to do, so I'll just keep doing it. Right, right. So a final thought was, take a look at you and, and honestly, things didn't change until I really took a look at myself. Hmm, that's

Bryan: 26:02

good. I took accountability for your actions, took

Natalie: 26:05

accountability, and again, it, I think that was year 12 of our relation of our marriage that finally a light bulb went off. I encourage you not to wait that long. Really do. The hard work. If you're not liking what you're raping, then you need to change what you're sowing. Oh, you're stealing a mem. I'm stealing a bism. That would be my final thought. Resentment's not healthy. It's not healthy for your physical body, your spiritual body, your emotional body, the atmosphere in your home, your up on it. There is a better way, and sometimes it comes down to laying down your pride. Yep. And acknowledging that you are at

Bryan: 26:44

fault. That's really good. How is this working for you?

Natalie: 26:48

How's this working for you? There's number one.

Bryan: 26:50

Wow. I'm glad we had so much content for this one and stuck with number one and went on a bit of a, a journey down there. Well, we appreciate you joining us on this journey, and we, I think we felt that comparison is something that really people need to break through. And break away from. Mm-hmm. And that there needs to be some freedom in people's lives in this area, cuz we've experienced this really deep and this can, this can affect you in all areas of your life. A hundred percent. Your marriage, work, church. It can, you know, like I used to say all the time, I hate preaching after one of the other pastors because he was just so good at it and I hated going after him. And my next week. And so I got over it, but it, it just takes some time and just need some encouragement and love and care that way as you move forward in that. So we really appreciate you listening. If you have any questions about comparison or even if you have a story or an experience of how you figured it out, please email us and we'll read it on the on on the show. We'd love to hear it. We'd love to hear about testimonies of people breaking through some stuff. Mm-hmm. We'd love to be able to share that with people. Just know that it's not just us out there that are breaking through, but there's no lots going on. So if you really like this podcast, it does mean a tremendous amount when you share it. Let people know all about it. Let people know that there's people out there that are praying for 'em, caring for them. Absolutely. You can follow us on Instagram and Facebook, and if you like I said, do you have a question or topic, let us know@amplifiedmarriagegmail.com. And as you hear us say, we firmly believe this with all of our heart. We believe that your marriage can be reset, refreshed, recharged, and restored. Thanks so much for listening.

Natalie: 28:27

Talk to you soon.