Season 3 Ep. 4 // Why Be a Copycat When You Can Be a Unicorn? (Part 2)

Bryan: 0:14

Welcome to the Amplified Marriage Podcast. We are onto part two of our comparison. Episodes. First one was a doozy. We had fully intended to go on to something big and move on to a few points. We got just hooked onto one and we had some really great conversation. You wanna go back and listen to that, but we're excited that you're here for this one. Let's take a listen.

Natalie: 0:53

---Welcome to another episode of Amplified Marriage. I'm Natalie. And I'm Brian. Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, you hear us say this every time. Grab a snack, grab a coffee, sit on the couch, grab a blanket. We're so excited that you joined us for our chat today.

Bryan: 1:06

As I said before, we are onto the second part of our comparison podcast, and boy was the first one a good one.

Natalie: 1:14

Mm-hmm. Kind of took an unexpected, lengthy turn right. Yeah, I mean, we've got our guidelines of kind of where we wanna talk or what we wanna talk about, and it kind of just took legs of its own, which was a really good thing

Bryan: 1:27

actually. Yeah. And if it was one of those we felt that we just kinda need to press into that. Mm-hmm. Because there's a lot of that kind of comparison where people are comparing their relationships to other people's relationships or comparing their husbands or their wives to other husbands and wives that's really causing problems inside of relationships. Mm-hmm. And so that was a really. It was a really good one and we're really looking forward to having a, a chat about this one. Mm-hmm.

Natalie: 1:51

So have you missed last time comparison creates resentment was that one. So if you missed it, go take a listen. Today we're talking about comparison creates unrealistic expectations.

Bryan: 2:07

Oh, it didn't work. So there's something you. That's so powerful about people that actually compare to others that that's actually it. It seems like it just, it hooks into you. It grabs onto you, and this becomes part of who you are. You know what I mean? Like that. That's part of, I don't know, like even when we were talking about it. Yes. The last episode, how long it was for you and how often and how long you were comparing and how it became. Just not by any fault of your own, like I'm gonna compare him to everyone. Just be like, that's just part of what you did, part of your everyday walk, everyday behaving with me as your husband.

Natalie: 2:49

Yes. And there's, I, I would say that it's kind of a sneaky one. It's not so, I mean, something's obvious, like are more in your face as far as comparison goes. And other stuff was sort of like subtle. Things I'd kind of jab at you with, if that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. And again it stems from a level of discontentment,

Bryan: 3:17

right? And it, I mean, even like, I, I like this dex this next one, it creates unrealistic, unrealistic expectations even. Even if the, the, the expectations say you're comparing me to Bill, I always do Bill or Samantha. This is how I, even, even when I do, when I preach, whenever I use someone, it's always Bill or Samantha. So say you're comparing me to Bill and what Bill is doing isn't unrealistic, but it's not me.

Natalie: 3:46

And that's right. Right. It's essentially setting your partner, your spouse up to fail because it's some level. Of satisfaction that you've kind of conjured up in your head. It's kind of like we all view Instagram as, like everyone just shows the highlight reels on Instagram. Yeah. No one really shows real life and when they do,

Bryan: 4:08

and maybe there are some who do. No. And when they do, it's still

Natalie: 4:10

contrived. Right? It's still planned out. It's still, you know, photoshopped. It's still filtered. Comparison is like that, where you're kind of paying attention to the highlight reel of someone else's life. Ooh, that's good. And you're short changing what you currently have with your spouse. And I said the last episode, if you don't like what you are reaping, you need to change what you're sowing. Right? So, and this thus, the cycle of unrealistic expectations just continues. To feed itself if you are constantly looking elsewhere for the satisfaction versus cultivating and working hard, like relationships are hard. Marriage is hard. Yeah. You need to there's, you're not gonna get the relationship that you want if you don't put any work in. Right. And you can't just have it handed to you on a silver platter or have it, you know watching a show or watching someone else's marriage in the spotlight. That's not how, it's not realistic. Well, and then

Bryan: 5:17

even trying to, to force, essentially when you're comparing your husband or your spouse to someone else, you're trying to force them to be like that other person. That's right. And saying that, well, what, who you are isn't good enough, which is not good for the self-image, really not good for your, your self-worth or your value if you, you're trying to compare me to someone else, but also you're trying to force him to be someone else, and so you're not gonna be able to reach the expectations because you're, I thought you said that the comparison is like watching Instagram. If I compare, you compare me to Bill all the time. You're only seeing the highlight reels and we spend time with Bill and Sam and

Natalie: 5:51

chances are Bill is, Kind of a crummy person. Well, maybe,

Bryan: 5:57

maybe, maybe

Natalie: 5:58

and maybe not. And even then if, and it's not to say that you can't admire someone else's relationship and, and say, you know what, like, we're gonna strive to.

Bryan: 6:10

Be good communication. Be good com, good

Natalie: 6:12

affection, date. We're not saying that that's wrong, but when you are like, I would rather trade you out in, in, in not so many words. Yeah. For someone else, right. Or hold you to a standard that someone else, you know. Posted about or someone else in front of people. Yeah. Made it seem like their relationship was super awesome when behind closed doors. It probably isn't. Right. Right. Or it's not as awesome as you've made it up in your mind.

Bryan: 6:38

Well,

Natalie: 6:39

yeah. Right, right. Like people have said to us, they're like, oh, hashtag marriage goals. And we're like, what are you saying? And they were like, oh, you know when, when cuz we're coming up on 22 years married. Like, wow, that's. I just want your relationship. And I'm like, no you don't. And they just kind of looked at me and I said, do you realize the journey that it's, that that has taken place to get us to this place? Right? Like, you watch what you wish for because you, you, you see what we put out. You see in one way, sort of like not the highlight reels, cuz we're fairly honest about our, the crummy things that we've had to walk through. But that's a snippet. Of the journey. Right? Right. And so I think it's, it's the highlight reel. It's like pull out, you know, if you think that we're great communicators or you think that well you know my husband is generous or whatever, then glean that and, and try to cultivate those characteristics within your own marriage.

Bryan: 7:42

Right. Well, and. Even as an, as an example of that the expectations, I was gonna go somewhere and I think I just, I wanna save that for a little bit later. But you remember the, the very first episode we ever did. Back like three years ago was, it's still in our top five most downloaded episodes, and the thing about expectations are is there's a, a few things that need to be a part of those expectations. Do you remember those, those four things? Not off the top of my head. No. I don't either is I went and actually looked it up and it, this is what we communicated, and this has actually helped our marriage a lot, is that. If you want to have realistic, realistic expectations about your spouse, so you're not comparing them to other people, because bill's highlight reel is gonna be different than your highlight reel is that there's four things. It's known, achievable, communicated, and agreed upon. Oh, right, right, right, right. Yes. And we actually have used those four points to, to coach couples that just had, like I remember along in one of our. Because, because comparison turns things into something that it doesn't need to be. Mm-hmm. Right? It turns, it turns your relationship into you want something, one else's relationship. It turns into, into something. It can't be because you're not communicating what you're feeling to your, your. Partner. You're not communicating the full story. You're not communicating your full feelings. And then what ends up happening, instead of actually communicating more, you communicate less. Yeah. And when you are communicating it's negative communication about you comparing me to Bill and so then I'm being communicated with, but it's not good communication. No. And you're actually putting a block into the relationship. Not. And not stepping into, and then we have to actually break apart the negative communication. Yeah. Negative comparison into the positive communication, into moving into something different. And that's a really hard place to start with. Right.

9:37

And

Natalie: 9:37

you have to ask yourself. Do I, is my lifelong goal in my relationship to wake up disappointed every single day? Right? Is it my lifelong goal to wake up frustrated every single day? If you have unmet expectations that are not articulated, they are not known to your spouse, they are not achievable, and what was the fourth?

Bryan: 9:59

It's known, achievable, communicated, and agreed

Natalie: 10:01

upon and agreed upon, then you are setting yourself up for a. A world of disappointment, of frustration. Well, and do you remember

Bryan: 10:10

early on, and I now, now, after hearing the story about how much you compared me to other people or Orange County Housewives of Orange County husbands? Mm-hmm. I remember that. Now that I think back about that was the, you comparing me to them and not being, not even communicating. You remember when we had, you talked to me about I had. You had expectations of me, but you'd never told me. You just assumed that I knew. That's right. And so would it have been harder in those moments to communicate Well, he should just know that I need him to take the garbage out. He should just know that this has to be done to this time. He should just know because you're comparing me to other people. It was like another layer of miscommunication. Of like misfiring. Oh, a hundred

Natalie: 10:55

percent. And my justification was you have eyes in your head. Can you not see that the garbage bin is full? Right? Oh, that was my justification. Right? And instead of just saying, Hey babe, could you please take out the garbage? I just sat there. Probably glaring at you waiting for you to grab a clue, right? And it wasn't, I mean that was the un the unrealistic expectation, but it was just, it stemmed from conversations with other people of like, well, this is what your husband should be doing. Right? There we go, as man of the house. Right? He should be taking care of vehicle things. He should be putting gas in the car, he should be doing lawn maintenance. Cuz these are the things that husbands do,

Bryan: 11:40

isn't. Isn't that kind of conversation a bit of a slippery slope though?

Natalie: 11:44

A hundred percent. Cuz I don't mind taking out the garbage and I like lawn

Bryan: 11:48

work. Yes. That was one way. And I, I like where you took that. That's not what I was thinking. Oh. Because sometimes we have to have conversations with couples and I will have conversations one-on-one with the man. And because he, especially if they're, they've been married just for a few years, there's oftentimes a, a miss in communication and maybe the wife is comparing the husband, Hey, my dad used to do all these things. Why aren't you? Which was actually something that happened with us, like, dad did this, blah, blah, blah. The slippery slope, I mean, isn't a slippery slope in that conversation. That one-on-one I have to have to say to him, and, hey, you're not, you're not fulfilling your duties as a husband. Your responsibility is to take care of your wife. And the modern date. Look after your, like, help her look after the home. You guys, you know, do your chores, do your things. Take care of her. Help out how you need to, when you need to. All of those types of things. The slippery slipping me is like not pointing the finger and saying, you're not being the man of the house. I'm like, no, no, no. If you're sitting around on your couch playing video games from the moment you get up to the moment you go to bed and you're doing that six months in a row and your wife is upset and wondering why you're not doing anything, that's when someone needs to come in and says, Hey, you need to like man up and get in there and be the man of the house.

Natalie: 13:03

Right? And I think that there's an,

Bryan: 13:04

that's what I mean by slip your slip. Does

Natalie: 13:06

that make sense? Yep. And there's, and it goes both ways because there are lots of men that are on top of. Everything. Everything, right? And I'm one of those guys right now. You are what

Bryan: 13:20

I was expecting a use for my sound effect, the rim shot, and you just didn't give me anything. I'm really upset about that. Just for those of you who get to hear

Natalie: 13:28

it, oh, dear. It's one of those things that it's not, there's not a specific, it's not gender. Right. Like the man's supposed to do this and the woman's Right, right, right. Supposed to be in the kitchen. No. You found a love of cooking and you cook and I love that. And I don't like when you clean the bathroom. So I clean the bathrooms and we delegate to our kids. Right? So you need to find sort of a system that works for your marriage and you need to communicate. If it's communicating different chores and things like that, then you need to do that. But you can't look at someone else's tidy house, let's just say, and look at, you know, your wife or your husband and be like, mm-hmm. Right. Because for all you know they have a cleaner that comes in. Three times a week. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And, and it's those hidden things, like you don't, you're not living that life. And so from the outside, it looks like, my gosh, like they have all the time in the world to do whatever, whatever. And then you just, it causes unnecessary tension and stress in your relationship if you're going to be constantly doing that. Right.

Bryan: 14:44

And. Yeah, like, I think even just a, like an encouragement to young couples, if anyone's gonna listen to this, is communicate your expectations and your expectations need to be something that that person that you're with can do. That's right. Right. Like if Natalie had the expectation that I'm gonna be some kind of amazing car mechanic. Because Bill mm-hmm. Is an amazing car mechanic. Well, why can't you save us a thousand dollars and fix the car? Yep. Well, if I try and save you a thousand dollars and try and fix the car, I'm gonna have to pay $2,000 to get someone to fix it after I try to do it. I guess it's not me. That's right. But then Bill may not be able to do like drywall and mudding and taping, but I can Right. Like there's, there's, there's skillsets, there's things that we can all do. And that's, that's where we we're like man and woman, when you're in a relationship, yeah. You're doing this. We're equal. We're just different roles. We just do different things. That's like, Natalie likes yard work. I don't mind yard work and I'll do it, but Natalie likes yard work. She'll, so she'll do it. But we know other people whose wives won't touch the yard work.

Natalie: 15:50

That's right. And that's what works for them. Yeah. Right. Can we just talk about. Media and movies. Cause I feel like this is kind of, for me, what stemmed this unrealistic expectation of marriage was these romcoms, oh, they're terrible. And how they kind of depict this perfect, nothing goes wrong relationship. Of, you know, a hi, like dotting on each other and servanthood and all of this and all of that. And you know, constantly having sex and all of these things and things like that. And it's just not realistic. And I remember before getting married, it was kind of like this glass slipper. Fog, right? Cinderella and the Glass slipper and the man and the Knight and Shining Armor and Prince Charming and all of that. And we have all of these, you know, in and of it themselves are not bad. But what happens is these are fictitious characters that then you try to translate into real world. And are incredibly frustrated and disappointed when you're like, gosh, if, if I'm basing what a relationship should look like off of that, right, I'm going to, I'm going to be a mess. Well, and I, and I think that was part of the problem, was why can't it be like that? Why can't you just be like that when we were first married?

Bryan: 17:18

Right. Well, and e even if you. Look at the romantic comedies and so say one of them would have say, an issue of some kind, like mild drug issue or struggled with pornography or like to go to strip clubs. Instead of it actually being something that, Hey, we need to deal with this. It was always made fun of. Or or celebrated. Or celebrated the fact that they would do these things and that that's normal in the relationship or, and they would never, it was always like comedy, like, we're gonna, we're gonna make light of this instead of just like, Hey, this makes your wife insecure. When, when you're dating and married, you're going to strip clubs on a regular basis a hundred percent. And they would just like make light of it. And that would be that That's okay. Like,

Natalie: 18:05

no. Right? Cuz whether you wanna admit it or not, you are comparing your spouse that is at home or you're. Partner that is at home to these unrealistic bodies. Let's just right. Call it what it is. Right. And, and the same thing, you know, when you have multiple partners. Mm-hmm. Right? And then you find the one you're gonna have that to deal with. You are going to have that, you know, because we're visual people. And so those memories and those images are imprinted. Those moments, those intimate moments are imprinted in your brain. Right. And the, and it's really hard to separate that and not think about, not allow yourself to go there when you're being intimate with your spouse. Right. Right. So you need to deal with

Bryan: 18:50

that. And all of those things are, are, again, that's, that's the, the dangers of comparing because of decisions you make even before you get married. Right,

Natalie: 19:02

right. And I think we can't talk about unrealistic expectations as far as comparison goes and not. Not talk about that. Right. Right, because, and you know, I would caution like. Watch what you watch, watch what you

Bryan: 19:15

read. And again, even, even our romantic comedies that we watch, even now, that part, like that part is really hard. Like we have coached couples that have said, very specifically said I had was with multiple partners before I got married. That's right. We've been married for three years and our sex life struggles because we both, they both had, were promiscuous before they cleaned up and they got their life together. They both. Were struggling in the area of, in, of intimacy because they were so easily visualizing other men or other women That's, that they had been with That's right. In their relationship. And now it's hurting your marriage. That's right. You're short, you're, you're comparing your, you're comparing your spouse to something that happened 10 years ago. That's right. More than like over and over. That's right. Right. And that's that's also the dangers of, of living that lifestyle. It's also the dangers of pornography Yes. Is that you, you see all, like for men, you see all those boobs, you're going to, you're going to look and you're gonna compare that to your wife. That's right. Right. And that's, that's unfair.

Natalie: 20:12

And it, it's incredibly degrading. Right, right. So as a woman that. That would be horrible to be compared to a supermodel who, you know, has never had kids or honestly, like, works really hard to attain a. Her physique and things like that. And not everyone's created like that. Mm-hmm. Right. And I think that, you know, you know what you married, you know, what you sort of signed up for, right? Yeah. And, you know, babies change things and if you're one of those people that, that, you know has really good genetics as far as your physique goes, that's awesome. Good for you. But the majority of the population doesn't have that. And so, You letting your mind go to those places and allowing that to determine the happiness or the fulfillment that you have in your relationship. I think you're gonna be really sad, right? It's, there is no win-win

Bryan: 21:16

because you like, and it's not, it's not even that. Let let, I'm gonna say it like this. It's not even that in the relationship. You don't love the person that you're with. No. You genuinely love the person that you're with. But if you have your mind filled up with all kinds of things, other things before you get married, it's gonna follow you until you deal with it when you do get married. That's right. There's consequences for your actions. A hundred

Natalie: 21:37

percent. And this isn't just for those who aren't married yet. This is something we have to watch while married. Yeah. Right, right. Because it's, it's not, you know, oh well we've made it past 10 years. So we're like, oh, thank God. No. You might have made it past a statistic. But this still will creep its ugly face. All throughout your relationship, right? It's one of those sneaky things, right? Where all of a sudden you allow a door to open, however that comes, and then you begin to look at your partner differently, right? And you begin to almost covet what someone else has because

Bryan: 22:14

your wife doesn't have it or your spouse doesn't have

Natalie: 22:15

it. That's right. And it keeps you your focus off of what really matters, and that's the person that you're with right on it. And it has an unhealthy. Obsession Right. Over what isn't yours and what's not ever going to be yours. Yeah.

Bryan: 22:30

And, and, and overall, again, back and all of this leads back to the very first thing that we said is Syd, this actually creates unrealistic expectations in your relationship.

Natalie: 22:42

A hundred percent. And and it, this was in your control. Here's the thing. Yeah. You control what thoughts you allow. You control your actions. You control what you watch, what you see, what you do read that is in your control, what you read. Yeah. You know where your gaze goes. What what, what am I thinking of here? What input from other people you're allowing in. Yep. Yep. That's in your control. And that all matters. Right? And so you have a choice. Yep. Right. There's a better way. Yeah. Right. Grass is greener On the other side is an indicator that you probably need to water your own grass,

Bryan: 23:23

right? And it, it's so easy right now in the current world that we live in, to not fight for your relationship. Then just to let it go. Be like, I'm not happy with how this is going. You don't look the way I want you to look. You don't behave the way I want you to behave. You don't act the way I want you to act. You're not who I married. I've heard that one before. No. Yeah, right. Of course she's not who you married or he's not who you married. They're, you've been together for five years. People grow and

Natalie: 23:52

mature and change, and you would hope. They wouldn't be the same. Yeah.

23:55

You

Bryan: 23:55

don't wanna marry someone at 20 years old who's a partyer and you're party, you're with her, and then you grew up into, Hey, I'm gonna go to work every day and raise my kids, and that person's still partying. Right? Like, just like you want to mature your girl. What I mean though is that right now marriage is in such a, it's being attacked constantly.

Natalie: 24:13

Well, and it's just, you know, I'm just trying you on. And if I don't like it, it that's okay of, oh, this is not gonna work out anyway, so I'm gonna like glean what I don't want or glean what I do want for the second one. Yeah. Right. And that's just a lot of work. It a hundred percent is a lot of work. Right? Right. And so if you wanna put that much effort into the first relationship being a throwaway, how about like what could happen if you actually put that amount of effort in that relationship?

Bryan: 24:40

Right. Wow. I think my final thought and thought I had for everyone today is just one, go back and listen to our very first episode we ever did, and my final thought was, is. Like work your way out of comparing your spouse to other people. A hundred percent. And I think that eventually in this series we're probably, we are gonna get to a place, we're gonna talk about how we can actually break through those barriers and how to stop comparing your spouse to other people. We'll give you some practical steps right now. We just wanna go through some of the issues and that's really good. Any final thoughts from you?

Natalie: 25:18

No. Well, Here's the thing, right? We want, everyone wants to be fully known and fully loved, right? Absolutely. And so creating an environment with your significant other where the, there's trust. Yep. Where there is honor mm-hmm. And where there is integrity mm-hmm. And it's not insecure. Right? Right. Like my goal with you is to make sure that you don't have to second guess anything that I'm doing. Right. And, and

Bryan: 25:48

vice versa. Right.

Natalie: 25:49

And so we, that's important to us. That is something that we've established as, as sort of a rule of thumb or a boundary in our relationship of you will know what I'm, what I'm up to, so that you don't feel insecure. And so that I don't sort of put you in a place of just wondering. Right?

Bryan: 26:10

Absolutely. Wow. We, I love these. This is gonna be set. This is a great series, what we're into and really looking forward to completing this and seeing if you have any questions or anything like that. Just let us know. It really, if you love this podcast, like we love making it and you really. It means a lot to us. When you share it, when you like it, when you pass it on to other people, let 'em know. This is all about helping people. Mm-hmm. Equipping people, giving you more options. You can find this on Facebook and Instagram, and again, we say this all the time, if there's a topic or a question or even something. Think in the last episode we said if you have a testimony of breaking away from comparison or have something you wanna share, send it to us. We'll open it and we'll read it onto the the podcast. Mm-hmm. Keeping your name anonymous if that's what you want. But we'd love to hear from each and every one of you as much as we can. If you have any questions, this email@amplifiedmarriagedot.com, amplified marriage gmail.com. I can speak English. And as you have heard us say many times, we believe that your marriage can be reset, refreshed, recharged, and

Natalie: 27:15

restored. Thanks for listening. Talk to you soon.