Oct. 12, 2020

Season 1 Ep.19 // 5 ways to work through stress together

Season 1 Ep.19 // 5 ways to work through stress together

Hashtag#instastress In this week's chat, we talk about how to handle stress, not just through the pandemic, but give some tips to not only survive but thrive in your marriage through all the stresses and pressures of life. If you have any comments or want to add to the list of de-stressors. We would love to hear from you. Thanks for listening. We appreciate you. If you want us to discuss something for a podcast. Let us know at amplifiedmarriage@gmail.com SUBSCRIBE LIKE & SHARE We...

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Season 1 Good Marriage Stress, De-stressor

Hashtag#instastress

In this week's chat, we talk about how to handle stress, not just through the pandemic, but give some tips to not only survive but thrive in your marriage through all the stresses and pressures of life. If you have any comments or want to add to the list of de-stressors. We would love to hear from you.

Thanks for listening. We appreciate you.

If you want us to discuss something for a podcast.

Let us know at amplifiedmarriage@gmail.com

SUBSCRIBE

LIKE & SHARE

We want to hear from you. Stay connected to Amplified Marriage
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Send us a text

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LIKE & SHARE

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We are strong believers that marriages can be reset, refreshed, recharged, and restored. 

WEBVTT

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Welcome to, to episode 19 of amplified marriage.

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Today, we are talking about hashtag instastress

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Welcome to another episode of amplified marriage.

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I'm not only grab a coffee, grab a snack, sit down.

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We're excited.

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I did have a chat with you today.

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Hey, if you miss last week, we talked about how to survive Jekyll and Hyde, where Bryan and I kind of.

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Sort of humorously go into a little bit of our history in the earlier years of our marriage.

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So if you missed it, be sure to check that out today, we are talking about COVID instastress that's right.

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What exactly does that mean?

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And are we coping right?

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You know what it really means a lot to us that you guys have been listening from all over the world, that we've had a tremendous amount of support.

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If this is something that you value, we need you to do something for us, share it with your friends and your family.

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Let people know what amplified marriage we'd love for people just to get involved and hear what we're talking about.

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We want to make sure that people's marriages thrive in relationships, thrive and move forward

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that's right.

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And they know that they're not doing this alone.

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There are other people around the world.

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Who struggled in the same ways.

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And if not, then at least there's some tools to help prepare you.

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Should you ever struggle that way.

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Absolutely.

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And so today's topic COVID insstastress.

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What does that mean?

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Right.

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Well, I feel like it's sort of been the topic at the never ending topic right of life where we all thought, or at least we did.

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That this wasn't going to be as drawn out or as, as it's been.

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Right.

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So when we were really talking about what sort of stressors this has produced, right, we came up with a fairly substantial list and I'm pretty sure we're missing some too.

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So fill in the blanks.

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If what we say, isn't something that you've thought about or is something that you've thought about.

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Yeah.

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Or maybe you haven't experienced and now are experiencing for the very first time.

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And so we're talking about things like job loss, budget cuts at your job, a church in a box, instead of, instead of going to church, you have to watch it online.

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Yeah.

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Gloves face masks, face shields, universal precautions for absolutely everything that's going on.

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Pressures at home.

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Maybe there's extra drinking or someone's started drinking, maybe there's drugs or addictions pornography.

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Your kids are home.

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All these types of pressure and things are happening.

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Maybe there's financial strain.

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A spiritual and emotional, physical, mental, all the strains.

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There's no connection you are missing out on your family and your friends.

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There's a lack of community, a lack of being able to connect one-on-one with people.

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And the thing about that, the lack of community, it's funny because my wife is an introvert.

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I am very much an extrovert.

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And at the beginning of this, she's like, this is fantastic.

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I just get to be at home all day and not have to converse with people about three or four months in.

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We both really realized, and especially my wife, how much that connection means and how much community is important.

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And for us, a big part of our community has been church.

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and we built, like friends out of that, like long lifelong friends, support systems and prayer.

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And if someone's struggling, there's food and there's things that all happened because of that.

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And Natalie was realizing that she missed it.

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I was immediately squirrly within two weeks of being at home.

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I was like, this is dumbest thing ever.

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I think for me, I like to set the boundary.

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So when everything's available, You know, shopping or, or just going out in general is available.

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I want to be the one to determine when that's not working for me.

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Right.

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I don't like.

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To be told I can't do something.

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I want the choice to be able to say, actually, I'm going to, I'm going to opt out of this.

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Yes, I can totally do it, but I'm going to just choose not to.

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And this was decided for you.

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This was decided for me, which really like the rebellious side of me was like, right.

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It's

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much like me and my beard that I can't grow.

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I want to be able to grow a beard and shave it off to say that I don't want one.

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Right,

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right,

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exactly.

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There has been this really

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there's been a real void,

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a real void in community.

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And, and even those that are introverts are starting to feel that.

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Can we just say, like we did a lot of zoom things

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and that's not the same.

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It's not the same at all.

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It's great.

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It serves a purpose, but that I think was a real short lived, actually seeing people

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physically and being in the same place on

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a more serious note.

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all of the people that have passed away either from COVID or.

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Health related issues.

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There was a definite stress on people not being able to be with her.

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Me and my pastor just had to do a funeral with a small team of someone that was important in our church and had been with us for a long time.

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And instead of being able to have a funeral of.

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200 or 300 of people that would have come from all over Canada to see this man's funeral.

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We ended up having to do like 45.

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She had to send out invitations for those family members to be the ones that came to the service.

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We live streamed it, but it just wasn't the same.

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We can't have that.

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So that's, that's a real thing that's going on, where people just can't meet to, to grieve and to mourn and to celebrate the stories, the things that you do at a bigger funeral.

00:05:51.295 --> 00:05:52.134
And a big Memorial,

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or even if the people in your life are ill.

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Right.

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And there's just, there's so many stresses that come with.

00:06:01.074 --> 00:06:04.944
Just not all, all of these people that are suffering that are.

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Practically alone.

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Right.

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which is so difficult,

00:06:09.634 --> 00:06:13.154
you're struggling, because you're our frontline support staff.

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We appreciate all that you've done for the last six, seven months, but maybe you're one of those support stuff that we've heard stories and read articles and seen videos of families that haven't seen their husband or their kids or their, their wife or their children for the last six months, or even, maybe even half that time, because they had to.

00:06:31.069 --> 00:06:35.779
Constantly be in quarantine because everything they're doing and they couldn't be around different people.

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And maybe that's where you are, or maybe you're you're in Canada or United States or wherever you're listening from.

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And there's huge political strain in our world right now that the sides are divided on almost every issue.

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No one can agree on anything.

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Maybe you have someone in your family that's super political and it's just, it's a real tough time to be in that family.

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The world right now just seems like there's no order.

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Everything is just in a, in a state of disarray.

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Right.

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We understand too, that some have felt this pressure and all of the things that have gone on there has, I'm sure there's so many more

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things that stresses that, that we

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haven't thought of, that you can fill the blanks in for.

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Right.

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And it's not, we didn't list all of these things off to overwhelm you, but these are real valid stresses.

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That are happening that are happening right now.

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And then how can you be in that situation or be around that environment and still have a healthy relationship with those that are closest to

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now?

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One thing we do want to say is that in some of these issues you may have been facing before COVID.

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Yeah.

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Maybe, maybe some of these things you just were like, man, that was the thing that we struggled with even before all of this, having to stay at home.

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And my kids are at home with me now, and I didn't struggle with drinking before I had a drinking problem 15 years ago.

00:08:02.740 --> 00:08:06.220
And this just brought up some old feelings or I didn't struggle with pornography.

00:08:06.220 --> 00:08:10.540
And now it's just like, I can't seem to get away from it, whatever your struggle is.

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Right now, we just want to say encourage you, man.

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There's a way out.

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There's people that love you.

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There's victory.

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There's going to be success.

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Relationships can be mended and taken care of and rebuilt know that there's people out there that supports, you know, that we are out there.

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And if you ever want prayer or anything, please just let us know.

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But just there's people out there in your community.

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That would love to have the opportunity to pray for you and just even see you over zoom.

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That's right.

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And I know that, you know, I mean the whole list of, of stresses, some of those aren't fixed in a moment.

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Right.

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Right.

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And being able to be present in the moment and we've, we've had our fair share of stresses financially and, I mean, we haven't experienced some of these and we've experienced it.

00:09:02.735 --> 00:09:03.034
Yeah.

00:09:03.274 --> 00:09:06.095
And they're not fixed in a moment.

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Right.

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Right.

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Relationships, aren't fixed in a moment.

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Right.

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Healthy ways and developing healthy patterns.

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Aren't done overnight either.

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and the thing is, is that what we we've realized too, when you're faced with a major thing, like a pandemic that the world hasn't really experienced, we're on what I'm hoping is a tail end, but we're at a different stage.

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We're in phase three or phase two, depending on what part of the country you're in.

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We, it forces you to kind of take a look at an, a stock of the things that happened in your life.

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The things that are valuable to you, the things that are, are not valuable to you, the time that you have the time that may you haven't had the things that you, you have felt.

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The thing that we're realizing in all of this is that.

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sometimes you're looking back and you see some decisions that you made that were just poor and you wish you would've made different ones.

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This is an opportunity.

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I think that we can change our perspective and look at this this time as a time to reset our relationship.

00:10:00.639 --> 00:10:12.809
And, we've heard in some of these things, we know couples, Natalie and I are actually one of the couples, but for some marriages, the pandemic has created a closeness and a bond like, people haven't experienced in their relationship before.

00:10:13.350 --> 00:10:29.730
But on the flip side of that, There's it's, it's also pushed people and exasperated some relationships to a point of breaking apart, and pushing them to the limit and pushing people to, to where they may not be able to, they feel like they can't recover.

00:10:30.049 --> 00:10:30.860
Exactly.

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And I, for myself in dealing with stress, I feel as though if I'm in a place where I'm at a healthy place, it doesn't matter.

00:10:43.350 --> 00:10:46.139
The circumstance, that can happen.

00:10:46.200 --> 00:10:51.960
I mean, that's out of my control more often than not a circumstance or situation that happens.

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Right.

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But I can be responsible and in control of how I choose to react or how I choose to respond.

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Yeah.

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I was just thinking about, to like our minivan.

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We don't have a minivan now, but we did.

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And when we lived up North.

00:11:07.990 --> 00:11:09.129
where it was very cold.

00:11:09.429 --> 00:11:12.279
Our head gasket had gone in the van

00:11:13.080 --> 00:11:15.480
and like, minus I think it was minus 25 or 30

00:11:16.620 --> 00:11:17.809
with a windshield or something.

00:11:17.830 --> 00:11:18.299
It was brutal.

00:11:18.360 --> 00:11:19.200
Ridiculous.

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And we had one vehicle.

00:11:20.840 --> 00:11:23.509
and so the vehicle would only act up.

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When I was driving, it was, for anyone who has not experienced this kind of a situation, the thermostat reading goes all over the place.

00:11:33.750 --> 00:11:39.690
And so you tend to overheat your motor and you don't know, like that was a telltale sign.

00:11:39.720 --> 00:11:40.919
That that was imminent.

00:11:40.980 --> 00:11:45.659
So in that particular situation, I lost my.

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I was so angry and so frustrated because we didn't have the money.

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And I knew because in our other car, the head gaskets went, it was several thousand dollars to fix.

00:11:58.815 --> 00:11:59.174
Right.

00:11:59.355 --> 00:12:01.154
We certainly didn't have several thousand dollars.

00:12:01.154 --> 00:12:02.934
We had little, we had three kids.

00:12:02.934 --> 00:12:04.644
Our daughter was a baby at that time.

00:12:04.914 --> 00:12:09.565
And our son was in kindergarten, who was waiting for me to pick him up from school when this all happened.

00:12:09.565 --> 00:12:11.804
So I was already stressed out about being late yeah.

00:12:12.134 --> 00:12:12.845
And stressed out.

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Cause we didn't have any money and, and the list it went on and on and on and on.

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And I just lost my mind.

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I was freaking out and panic and fear set in and took hold.

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Attempted to take while it did take hold.

00:12:24.845 --> 00:12:25.024
Okay.

00:12:25.075 --> 00:12:25.195
Yeah.

00:12:25.225 --> 00:12:28.644
I would quite agree with you that you're inconsolable.

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Like I had to bring a friend of mine and in that time we also, weren't doing very well as a married couple, but I had to bring a friend of ours in to help just kind of reason with like, this is not the end of the world.

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We can fix this

00:12:41.904 --> 00:12:44.394
and, and, and it did get fixed

00:12:44.934 --> 00:12:45.565
quickly too.

00:12:45.565 --> 00:12:45.804
Like it

00:12:45.804 --> 00:12:48.745
wasn't, it wasn't, but the.

00:12:49.674 --> 00:12:56.924
The response that I chose moment, I think, well, one, I know it was a very, it was not healthy, right?

00:12:57.524 --> 00:12:57.904
It didn't.

00:12:58.434 --> 00:13:03.085
Help, the atmosphere in the home, it didn't help sort of how I was communicating with you.

00:13:03.115 --> 00:13:04.115
Like it was your fault.

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Do you know what I mean?

00:13:04.625 --> 00:13:04.865
Like

00:13:05.695 --> 00:13:06.745
I was nowhere near it.

00:13:06.774 --> 00:13:08.215
We didn't know it was going to happen.

00:13:08.575 --> 00:13:09.654
It was super cold.

00:13:09.955 --> 00:13:13.044
The car would, the van was at that time was actually running really good too.

00:13:13.044 --> 00:13:13.754
Like we had met.

00:13:13.754 --> 00:13:13.845
Yes.

00:13:14.424 --> 00:13:19.815
But you were the enemy because that was the only thing that I could project my feelings on.

00:13:20.004 --> 00:13:20.725
Absolutely.

00:13:20.784 --> 00:13:23.575
And you may want to look at them like the enemy, but they are not.

00:13:24.235 --> 00:13:24.804
And so.

00:13:25.429 --> 00:13:30.200
Those of you who know us might go, well, why didn't you pray?

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Or did you pray?

00:13:31.220 --> 00:13:31.490
No,

00:13:33.019 --> 00:13:33.639
not at all.

00:13:33.850 --> 00:13:34.529
We did.

00:13:34.570 --> 00:13:35.230
I did not.

00:13:35.950 --> 00:13:40.600
I went to God only after the fact when I'm like, why aren't you fixing this?

00:13:40.600 --> 00:13:44.200
So it wasn't like, Hey Lord, I need help.

00:13:44.230 --> 00:13:45.070
I need wisdom.

00:13:45.070 --> 00:13:48.100
You need to, to bring us the right people to help us in this situation.

00:13:48.370 --> 00:13:49.809
It was just, what can I do?

00:13:50.240 --> 00:13:53.929
In my own strength in the physical to fix my own situation.

00:13:54.360 --> 00:13:56.730
God was an afterthought in that moment, right?

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Fast forward, several years, the same minivan, different circumstance.

00:14:02.340 --> 00:14:03.960
So it wasn't the head gaskets this time.

00:14:03.960 --> 00:14:04.769
It was the

00:14:04.769 --> 00:14:05.970
fuel pump,

00:14:06.779 --> 00:14:09.090
right in the middle of a super busy intersection in the highway.

00:14:09.090 --> 00:14:13.110
The fuel pump decides it's going to go guess who's driving me.

00:14:13.529 --> 00:14:14.399
Definitely wasn't

00:14:14.399 --> 00:14:14.580
me.

00:14:14.580 --> 00:14:17.850
It wasn't never Brian, which is so irritating.

00:14:19.769 --> 00:14:20.429
I'm driving.

00:14:20.429 --> 00:14:25.289
I'm like, please don't stall in the middle of this busy intersection when I've got all my children with me.

00:14:25.289 --> 00:14:27.299
So I managed to make it to a parking lot.

00:14:28.799 --> 00:14:32.519
The fuel pump on that bad boy was $900.

00:14:33.830 --> 00:14:35.480
Now we have adjustment.

00:14:36.019 --> 00:14:36.259
Yeah.

00:14:36.429 --> 00:14:36.559
Yeah.

00:14:36.889 --> 00:14:38.929
Started Bryan started a new job.

00:14:39.570 --> 00:14:40.259
So we didn't have

00:14:40.259 --> 00:14:43.870
sort of used, we used all of our money moving from North to South,

00:14:44.929 --> 00:14:49.370
so our savings was gone and then we had to, you know, we were renting.

00:14:49.370 --> 00:14:55.279
So you had to pay a damage deposit and it was thousands of dollars later that this happened.

00:14:55.309 --> 00:14:55.490
Right.

00:14:55.580 --> 00:15:04.740
And so similar circumstance, as far as it being a van issue, but a different response for me this time, this time I just threw my hands in the air.

00:15:04.740 --> 00:15:06.200
It was like, I don't even have the energy.

00:15:06.200 --> 00:15:07.034
My dad had just.

00:15:07.455 --> 00:15:10.335
Recent like several or a few months before that passed away.

00:15:10.605 --> 00:15:11.534
So I was grieving.

00:15:11.804 --> 00:15:11.865
Yeah.

00:15:11.975 --> 00:15:18.514
I didn't have the emotional, physical, mental ability to lose my mind over this.

00:15:18.514 --> 00:15:25.355
Then I'm like, I am worn out from all the fields of just that situation that I took the hands of my kids.

00:15:25.475 --> 00:15:30.875
And I went to God first and I just said, this is our horrible situation.

00:15:32.129 --> 00:15:36.389
And I laid out all the woes that I had in regards to, we don't have the money in that.

00:15:37.230 --> 00:15:42.029
And the very next day, the prayer was answered.

00:15:43.559 --> 00:15:50.009
The previous non prayer yell match that I had with God was not as quick a response.

00:15:50.039 --> 00:15:59.129
And I don't know if it was just because of the timing of it all, or it was my own attitude or however that I don't know what the difference was, but I felt.

00:16:00.059 --> 00:16:02.940
Like I was in a different place emotionally.

00:16:03.000 --> 00:16:06.860
I felt like I was in different places spiritually and physically.

00:16:07.009 --> 00:16:07.279
Yeah.

00:16:07.309 --> 00:16:08.419
I just handled the situation.

00:16:08.419 --> 00:16:08.509
Yeah.

00:16:08.539 --> 00:16:14.600
So similar circumstance, different approach, very different attitude and peace.

00:16:15.315 --> 00:16:19.965
In the situation, it was like, I'm not even gonna stress about this because I don't have the energy to stress about this.

00:16:20.284 --> 00:16:27.904
It is a very interesting conversation that we had and we were, there's a difference between stress and pressure.

00:16:29.044 --> 00:16:31.115
There's a big difference between stress and pressure.

00:16:31.725 --> 00:16:33.434
I think, how did I put this?

00:16:33.434 --> 00:16:34.365
This is stress, isn't it?

00:16:34.455 --> 00:16:40.485
An internal pressure that comes from the inability to deal with the external pressures of life.

00:16:40.684 --> 00:16:41.105
That's right.

00:16:41.105 --> 00:16:42.634
And it's that out of control.

00:16:42.815 --> 00:16:49.565
So the end, the thing about pressure and stress being so different is that stress is because the pressures in life.

00:16:50.000 --> 00:16:50.840
Can be good.

00:16:51.230 --> 00:16:52.039
They can be healthy.

00:16:52.039 --> 00:16:53.419
There's there's healthy conflict.

00:16:53.419 --> 00:16:58.100
There's healthy stress at work or healthy pressure at work because you're growing and your capacity is shifting.

00:16:58.269 --> 00:16:58.629
You've got

00:16:58.629 --> 00:16:59.350
deadlines.

00:16:59.350 --> 00:16:59.799
Like let's

00:16:59.799 --> 00:17:03.340
be realistic then in your marriage, things are an oppression in a good way.

00:17:03.340 --> 00:17:08.670
Cause you're becoming a better husband or you're being a better dad and things are changing at church and it's a pressure can be.

00:17:09.220 --> 00:17:10.299
Yes, but

00:17:10.359 --> 00:17:11.319
I mean, diamonds are built.

00:17:12.045 --> 00:17:12.914
Under pressure.

00:17:12.914 --> 00:17:13.305
Right.

00:17:13.365 --> 00:17:19.065
And so what happens when it turns from pressure to stress is because you're not dealing with the pressure.

00:17:19.065 --> 00:17:23.924
Well, and a lot of times that has to do with the internal part of us that just.

00:17:24.359 --> 00:17:28.079
Is not coping, not handling the things, right.

00:17:28.079 --> 00:17:31.740
Not dealing with the conflict, not and, or pushing it aside.

00:17:31.799 --> 00:17:36.869
And it internalizes and compounds on top of each other and gets bigger and bigger.

00:17:37.259 --> 00:17:38.789
You're an internal processor.

00:17:39.059 --> 00:17:40.980
I am a very much external.

00:17:41.970 --> 00:17:45.809
I'm not external as in my, brother-in-law always jokes around that.

00:17:45.809 --> 00:17:46.589
I have no feelings.

00:17:46.920 --> 00:17:48.400
I have a couple, they're not,

00:17:48.509 --> 00:17:51.720
you have some feelings about some things, but, but I think you're.

00:17:52.575 --> 00:17:55.515
More directional with your feelings.

00:17:55.964 --> 00:17:56.174
I don't

00:17:56.174 --> 00:17:58.884
have feelings about everything, big feelings about everything.

00:17:58.924 --> 00:18:10.444
Well, and the reason that is, is because when I was growing up, I was modeled what big feelings or having strong opinions about everything brought and oftentimes it was destruction.

00:18:10.595 --> 00:18:14.434
And so what I've learned over the years is that I'm not in control of every situation.

00:18:14.734 --> 00:18:16.894
I don't need to be in control of every situation.

00:18:16.894 --> 00:18:19.984
I don't even need to have an opinion on every single thing.

00:18:20.704 --> 00:18:27.065
And so now, my energy, my anger, or my happiness, or my frustration is reserved for the things that are the clothes.

00:18:27.964 --> 00:18:28.144
Right.

00:18:28.204 --> 00:18:28.444
Right.

00:18:28.444 --> 00:18:29.555
And so my family gets it.

00:18:29.555 --> 00:18:31.595
My extended family gets it, my really close friends.

00:18:32.134 --> 00:18:38.704
my, my team that I worked with, they get those good parts, not the angry, frustrated part,

00:18:39.234 --> 00:18:46.704
but I think too, in your younger years, that side of you, the more angrier side showed its ugly face

00:18:46.704 --> 00:18:48.865
because I didn't handle with any pressure.

00:18:49.375 --> 00:18:49.914
I couldn't.

00:18:50.720 --> 00:18:51.559
With pressure.

00:18:51.589 --> 00:19:03.910
Like if it's pressure in your, in your job where you're on a deadline or whatever, you're in control of your task list or you're in control of, you know, organizing your schedule and things like that, where you, the sense of calmness.

00:19:04.089 --> 00:19:04.609
Yeah, yeah.

00:19:04.859 --> 00:19:05.259
Right.

00:19:05.259 --> 00:19:06.309
That comes with pressure.

00:19:06.339 --> 00:19:16.599
You might be sort of like under the time gun where, you know, stuff's got to get done and you have a schedule, but there's a calmness that comes because you've set that all up.

00:19:16.630 --> 00:19:17.559
We're stress.

00:19:17.920 --> 00:19:19.539
Tends to like, because you

00:19:19.539 --> 00:19:20.380
procrastinated

00:19:20.410 --> 00:19:21.099
or right.

00:19:21.130 --> 00:19:22.660
I mean, if you procrastinate then yeah.

00:19:22.660 --> 00:19:28.119
It's going to turn from pressure to stress right quick, but it's just not being able to, you're not calm.

00:19:28.269 --> 00:19:28.480
Yeah.

00:19:28.750 --> 00:19:34.089
I think of all the times that I'm stressed out and I am not calm at all.

00:19:34.089 --> 00:19:34.720
I'm not common.

00:19:34.720 --> 00:19:35.589
My words.

00:19:35.619 --> 00:19:36.430
I'm not common.

00:19:36.430 --> 00:19:38.019
My actions, I'm not common.

00:19:38.019 --> 00:19:42.599
My, in the atmosphere of the home, I'm, I'm just like a whirlwind.

00:19:43.255 --> 00:19:43.615
Yeah.

00:19:44.214 --> 00:19:47.724
And so even as we were talking about these things, it's really interesting.

00:19:47.724 --> 00:19:53.545
We were like, how can we practically drop some stuff that we've learned in the last five years?

00:19:53.545 --> 00:19:58.755
And so here's just a few or less five years last, almost 20 years here is this is

00:19:58.785 --> 00:19:59.744
what we've done,

00:19:59.775 --> 00:20:00.315
what we've done.

00:20:00.315 --> 00:20:00.454
Yeah.

00:20:00.454 --> 00:20:03.285
And five different things that we found are super helpful.

00:20:03.285 --> 00:20:09.045
And something I want to start with this is that fear will cripple you into not taking any action.

00:20:09.759 --> 00:20:10.059
Yes,

00:20:10.059 --> 00:20:11.170
I am living proof of that.

00:20:11.410 --> 00:20:12.730
Absolutely like

00:20:13.259 --> 00:20:18.150
you too, because for a long time you had a fear of failure

00:20:18.690 --> 00:20:23.309
and here's the difference now is I still, fear failure, but it no longer controls me.

00:20:24.430 --> 00:20:25.089
There you go.

00:20:25.269 --> 00:20:26.529
My fear controlled.

00:20:26.529 --> 00:20:30.819
So many of our are my decisions when we were young, I didn't want to try for new job.

00:20:30.819 --> 00:20:32.170
I didn't want to try for corrections.

00:20:32.170 --> 00:20:36.069
I tried over, I was going to try for the RCMP and all these things I did.

00:20:36.069 --> 00:20:36.910
And I don't know.

00:20:37.289 --> 00:20:38.670
and I didn't want to do things.

00:20:38.670 --> 00:20:41.970
I was going to look at being a helicopter pilot, but that was just too much news to secure.

00:20:41.970 --> 00:20:44.089
I didn't want to do like all these different things I had.

00:20:44.204 --> 00:20:50.265
Career or aspirations for, I didn't do or even try for, because I was afraid of it.

00:20:50.265 --> 00:20:53.625
And eventually I just turned and said, no, I'm just going to face my fear with your help.

00:20:53.625 --> 00:20:53.934
Like that.

00:20:53.954 --> 00:20:56.265
Wasn't just a one day.

00:20:56.295 --> 00:20:58.724
I'm like I decided, but you supported the croquet.

00:20:58.724 --> 00:20:59.474
Let's do this together.

00:20:59.474 --> 00:20:59.535
Yeah.

00:20:59.855 --> 00:21:06.335
And I think too, like, I can encourage you, like, you can encourage your spouse and I can encourage you to.

00:21:07.950 --> 00:21:12.000
Mo or to feel confident in taking that step.

00:21:12.329 --> 00:21:15.630
It's like that saying, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

00:21:15.630 --> 00:21:15.900
Right.

00:21:16.319 --> 00:21:20.670
I could encourage you all of the best ways that I could, but I still couldn't make you

00:21:20.670 --> 00:21:22.369
take this sale, the right things.

00:21:22.369 --> 00:21:24.049
But I'm the one that has to make the decision.

00:21:24.079 --> 00:21:26.569
And so the very first thing is

00:21:27.079 --> 00:21:34.970
take a deep breath I have with my children when they were younger and they were like, the anxiety would rise.

00:21:35.150 --> 00:21:35.720
I would tell them.

00:21:36.450 --> 00:21:39.000
Stop take a deep breath.

00:21:40.019 --> 00:21:49.410
And there's a reason for that when we breathe deeply, it triggers the body's response to stop releasing stress hormones.

00:21:49.710 --> 00:21:57.059
So there's a physiological response when we're, when we're anxious, we have rapid breathing, which it can lead to like hyperventilation.

00:21:57.059 --> 00:22:05.775
And I, you know, as I was thinking about myself in anger, Anxiety ridden situations where you feel your chest tight, like you can't catch a breath.

00:22:06.525 --> 00:22:12.255
I've had to slow myself down and just take a few deep, slow breaths just to calm me.

00:22:13.144 --> 00:22:13.535
Right.

00:22:14.075 --> 00:22:18.365
Number two, you've heard us talk about it already is pray and pray together.

00:22:19.295 --> 00:22:23.704
We have tried so many times to fix things in our own strength.

00:22:24.214 --> 00:22:25.744
And it's just, what was that?

00:22:26.315 --> 00:22:33.005
The phrase that you did when we were talking about like our finances and, you tried to like juggle them, but you had just had a different,

00:22:33.894 --> 00:22:35.244
I Rob Peter to pay Paul.

00:22:35.515 --> 00:22:39.805
Well, I guess that is one, but that's not the one that I would say I was thinking of like, yeah, that'll work.

00:22:39.865 --> 00:22:40.164
Yeah.

00:22:40.565 --> 00:22:41.954
we just tried to like move.

00:22:42.430 --> 00:22:44.549
Money around money around and sell.

00:22:44.609 --> 00:22:47.650
We sold things to try and pay for bills because of our own poor decision.

00:22:47.819 --> 00:22:48.720
Oh man.

00:22:48.720 --> 00:22:51.289
In those years it was, that was stressful,

00:22:52.460 --> 00:22:53.089
very stressful.

00:22:53.839 --> 00:22:55.609
And did we come together and pray?

00:22:56.220 --> 00:22:57.660
No, that wasn't our default setting.

00:22:57.839 --> 00:22:58.950
Not at all at all.

00:22:58.980 --> 00:23:00.180
We tried everything else.

00:23:00.210 --> 00:23:01.289
And then

00:23:02.299 --> 00:23:04.759
we were Christians and we grew up learning.

00:23:04.759 --> 00:23:07.069
That's what you're supposed to do and being in church.

00:23:07.069 --> 00:23:10.069
And this is what we put on the face that we were, this is what we were doing.

00:23:10.069 --> 00:23:11.150
That was not a thing you

00:23:11.160 --> 00:23:13.400
said, like it's easy to.

00:23:13.950 --> 00:23:15.930
To come to and be stress-free.

00:23:15.990 --> 00:23:23.670
I would say when your bank accounts full of the fridges full the gas tank's full, your bills are paid, the credit cards paid.

00:23:23.910 --> 00:23:27.059
It's easy to be stress-free in.

00:23:27.829 --> 00:23:30.690
And then what happens when that's not the thing you panic?

00:23:30.869 --> 00:23:38.640
And then when you panic, then you're afraid, you know, like I was like, Oh, we're going to get kicked out of our house if we default on our payments and things like that.

00:23:38.640 --> 00:23:41.400
And so then you don't make really great decisions.

00:23:41.880 --> 00:23:43.319
Right in the midst of stress

00:23:43.349 --> 00:23:48.549
because you're stressed and it's getting to you since you're not thinking clearly seeing clearly moving clearly.

00:23:48.619 --> 00:23:48.980
Right.

00:23:48.980 --> 00:23:51.470
The last thing that we wanted to do was pray.

00:23:51.799 --> 00:23:52.099
Right.

00:23:53.240 --> 00:23:56.450
But it's absolutely the most necessary first thing to do.

00:23:56.509 --> 00:23:56.750
Yeah.

00:23:57.349 --> 00:24:03.200
And the next one is practice thankfulness, being grateful and practicing, being thankful.

00:24:03.589 --> 00:24:04.099
it's right.

00:24:04.220 --> 00:24:05.900
It's not the easiest of things to do.

00:24:07.140 --> 00:24:12.400
And again, it comes down to, it's really easy to be thankful when your bank is full, you have a full pantry, full of food.

00:24:12.400 --> 00:24:17.059
The kids have clothes and shoes and all the things that you need super easy to be there thankful.

00:24:17.059 --> 00:24:27.890
But are you thankful when you have none of them, those things and you're struggling and your marriage is struggling and you've just, maybe you're suffering going through a divorce or maybe your had to have an abortion, or maybe, yeah.

00:24:27.950 --> 00:24:31.160
Maybe all of these things that are going on feeling that stress.

00:24:31.160 --> 00:24:33.589
And you're like, how can I possibly be thankful?

00:24:33.720 --> 00:24:34.200
That's right.

00:24:34.200 --> 00:24:43.769
And to just bring it into a perspective, being thankful doesn't mean that we'll use my van again, as this, as the, you know, the header.

00:24:45.045 --> 00:24:50.045
When all of that was happening, there was no way that I was thankful we were going through to that situation.

00:24:50.075 --> 00:24:50.105
A

00:24:50.105 --> 00:24:50.734
hundred percent not

00:24:50.974 --> 00:24:54.214
thankfulness doesn't mean that I am just like, thank you, Jesus.

00:24:54.484 --> 00:24:56.434
My van has died and we have no money.

00:24:57.035 --> 00:24:58.144
That's not at all.

00:24:58.744 --> 00:25:07.835
What being thankful in the situation was, but so you're not thankful for the situation, but there's always something to be thankful in the situation.

00:25:07.954 --> 00:25:08.164
Yeah.

00:25:08.869 --> 00:25:10.970
Again with me, I had all my children with me.

00:25:11.210 --> 00:25:16.279
So thank you, God, that I did not stall in the middle of the intersection.

00:25:16.960 --> 00:25:19.869
Thank God that I was able to make it to a parking lot.

00:25:19.869 --> 00:25:20.740
That was safe.

00:25:21.039 --> 00:25:24.579
Thank God that I was able to call you because I had a cell phone.

00:25:24.819 --> 00:25:28.000
Thank God that you're able to leave work and to come be with me.

00:25:28.000 --> 00:25:30.519
Cause I was free, you know, thank God.

00:25:30.549 --> 00:25:30.910
Right?

00:25:30.910 --> 00:25:32.140
Like in that.

00:25:32.335 --> 00:25:33.565
Awful situation.

00:25:33.565 --> 00:25:39.204
There was how many things did I list four things in just that one moment that I was thankful for.

00:25:40.595 --> 00:25:43.484
and then thankful that the situation remedied itself.

00:25:43.515 --> 00:25:43.845
Right?

00:25:43.934 --> 00:25:44.355
Right.

00:25:44.355 --> 00:25:49.484
So I wasn't thankful for that happening, but in it, there was still something to be thankful for.

00:25:49.875 --> 00:25:50.805
We didn't cause an accident.

00:25:51.244 --> 00:25:51.454
Yeah.

00:25:51.454 --> 00:25:51.634
They're

00:25:51.994 --> 00:25:54.154
like, hallelujah, praise the Lord.

00:25:55.025 --> 00:25:56.375
And number four is

00:25:56.644 --> 00:26:00.454
surround yourself with encouraging people that is so important.

00:26:00.484 --> 00:26:00.545
Yeah.

00:26:00.595 --> 00:26:08.305
And I can, I can almost hear what some of you are thinking or census of what you're thinking, Brian, we're in the middle of COVID.

00:26:08.785 --> 00:26:14.694
How can I reach out to people if I'm supposed to stay at home and be locked down or quarantine, I'm not allowed to be around those people.

00:26:14.724 --> 00:26:15.505
I'm going to tell you a story.

00:26:16.384 --> 00:26:30.005
Recently about a week ago, someone connected with, with us, actually, this has happened multiple times over the last six months with our church, through our Instagram and through our Facebook or over the chat during the service, we've prayed with people.

00:26:30.005 --> 00:26:42.335
But in this particular case, a man, I'm not going to tell you his name, but he's an awesome young guy, but he is recently last year in October, he was diagnosed with a brain cancer and he beat it.

00:26:42.384 --> 00:26:44.164
He went through chemo, did all that stuff.

00:26:44.585 --> 00:26:47.315
January hits, the threats of COVID are happening.

00:26:47.795 --> 00:26:49.924
and he had had an experience with God.

00:26:49.924 --> 00:26:51.454
He said, and he's like, I just want to go to church.

00:26:51.454 --> 00:26:52.295
I want to be around people.

00:26:52.295 --> 00:26:53.644
So he was in March.

00:26:53.644 --> 00:26:56.375
He was like, I'm going to go to church and then COVID hit and we all got shut down.

00:26:57.134 --> 00:27:03.644
So in March, from March to April and may he realized he got tested again, brain cancer has come back.

00:27:03.674 --> 00:27:04.964
It's traveled to his lungs.

00:27:05.325 --> 00:27:08.954
They're not sure if it's moved anywhere else into his body's his lost his girlfriend.

00:27:08.954 --> 00:27:09.825
He has two kids.

00:27:09.825 --> 00:27:10.815
He lost his job.

00:27:11.085 --> 00:27:12.015
He has nowhere to go.

00:27:12.375 --> 00:27:14.204
And what does this young man dues?

00:27:14.204 --> 00:27:17.805
He reaches out over Facebook and says, Hey, I am near my end.

00:27:18.295 --> 00:27:19.644
I don't know what to do.

00:27:19.795 --> 00:27:20.845
I need a community.

00:27:21.234 --> 00:27:21.835
Can I meet?

00:27:22.194 --> 00:27:29.194
And so, I met with him at six feet, both wearing masks, sitting in my office, and I had a chance to sit with him.

00:27:29.384 --> 00:27:35.464
pray with him, gave him a Bible, but what it was all he knew I needed with someone to hear him and encourage him.

00:27:36.400 --> 00:27:38.289
And so there is churches out there.

00:27:38.289 --> 00:27:39.160
There is groups.

00:27:39.160 --> 00:27:40.329
It's not even just churches.

00:27:40.329 --> 00:27:48.099
There's like groups, the Legion, the salvation army, all kinds of different groups out there that would love to hear from you and have a community.

00:27:48.099 --> 00:27:53.789
Even if you're connecting with them over Instagram or Facebook or a phone call, it's better than doing.

00:27:54.509 --> 00:28:04.619
And even if like in this man's situation, there's nothing that you could physically do to fix his ailments, but an encouraging word and just listen.

00:28:05.634 --> 00:28:06.355
Absolutely

00:28:07.275 --> 00:28:11.714
where he felt validated and he felt heard and he felt.

00:28:12.099 --> 00:28:14.289
And someone's there, someone's out there.

00:28:14.289 --> 00:28:17.950
That cares about me enough to just way further.

00:28:18.579 --> 00:28:18.970
Right.

00:28:19.450 --> 00:28:22.450
And so you can find a circle and maybe challenging.

00:28:22.890 --> 00:28:24.089
again, we're going to say this.

00:28:24.089 --> 00:28:33.420
If you are in this situation and you are struggling, reach out to us, reach out to us on Instagram or Facebook or through the amplified marriage Gmail account.

00:28:33.420 --> 00:28:35.910
We'd love to hear from you, but if this is you.

00:28:36.480 --> 00:28:38.130
We want to be part of that community.

00:28:38.130 --> 00:28:39.390
We want to be part of your tribe.

00:28:39.420 --> 00:28:42.930
That's gonna raise you up and pray for you and supports you and do how we can.

00:28:43.670 --> 00:28:54.380
And also like if you're living in places where there's help available, like government aid or, or whatever within, Take that if you're

00:28:55.359 --> 00:28:56.890
and what's the next one?

00:28:57.700 --> 00:28:58.809
Exercise.

00:28:58.869 --> 00:29:02.440
Oh boy, I know exercise releases, endorphins.

00:29:02.859 --> 00:29:11.200
I hate exercising, like making the decision to exercise and then the exercising itself, but I sure am thankful.

00:29:11.660 --> 00:29:12.470
After it's done.

00:29:12.500 --> 00:29:12.680
Yeah.

00:29:12.710 --> 00:29:13.190
Not during.

00:29:13.190 --> 00:29:17.180
And then you get to the place where eventually you feel like, Oh, I liked, I liked doing this.

00:29:17.450 --> 00:29:19.190
I don't know that I ever do, but

00:29:19.819 --> 00:29:20.630
maybe it's just me.

00:29:20.630 --> 00:29:21.559
I love going to the gym.

00:29:22.099 --> 00:29:23.930
I haven't been in a while, but I love going to the gym,

00:29:24.880 --> 00:29:29.140
but exercise really does help to clear your mind when I'm stressed out.

00:29:29.140 --> 00:29:29.589
I run.

00:29:29.650 --> 00:29:29.950
Yeah.

00:29:30.369 --> 00:29:31.119
I'm okay.

00:29:31.450 --> 00:29:32.410
I've tried running with her.

00:29:32.410 --> 00:29:33.460
It's been very unsuccessful.

00:29:33.460 --> 00:29:34.150
I'm a short distance.

00:29:34.450 --> 00:29:34.779
Yeah.

00:29:34.809 --> 00:29:37.960
And I'm not a, I'm not a group sport.

00:29:39.440 --> 00:29:40.519
A participant

00:29:41.210 --> 00:29:41.900
in it knows tasks.

00:29:41.900 --> 00:29:42.170
For sure.

00:29:42.410 --> 00:29:42.890
I don't like it.

00:29:42.910 --> 00:29:49.630
One of the gym with other people because I'm there to exercise and it's my time to focus on myself.

00:29:49.660 --> 00:29:54.490
And so to sit and talk while that's happening, just seems counterproductive to me if that works for you.

00:29:54.519 --> 00:29:55.059
Great.

00:29:55.660 --> 00:29:58.390
But exercise in general does re release endorphins.

00:29:58.930 --> 00:30:06.220
and we've in situations I've, this is an in, anything we talked about, but we have found the humor.

00:30:07.549 --> 00:30:24.740
In our life over the last 19 years of being married, where, when a situation has a raw, like Rose up where it was so ridiculously out of our control, the only thing that we could do was laugh about it.

00:30:24.799 --> 00:30:25.069
Right.

00:30:25.579 --> 00:30:29.269
And I mean, laughing in itself has health benefits.

00:30:29.359 --> 00:30:37.924
So, if the stress is too much, Find some humor be comical, be silly.

00:30:38.224 --> 00:30:38.944
Absolutely.

00:30:39.184 --> 00:30:40.865
It really does go a long way.

00:30:41.434 --> 00:30:41.644
Yeah.

00:30:42.035 --> 00:30:44.644
And so just, we really appreciate you listening.

00:30:44.644 --> 00:30:45.845
And so there's these five things.

00:30:45.845 --> 00:30:50.875
Well, six now, because we added another one, but take a breath, take a breath, and just think about your situations.

00:30:50.875 --> 00:30:54.154
Pray together, practice thankfulness, be grateful.

00:30:54.605 --> 00:31:01.204
Surround yourself by encouraging people, exercise as much as you can, as much as you're able, it gets easier.

00:31:01.420 --> 00:31:02.920
And laugh as much as you can.

00:31:03.700 --> 00:31:08.140
And if you love our podcast and you've been enjoying it, it means it does mean a lot to us when you share it.

00:31:08.230 --> 00:31:09.460
So just let people know about it.

00:31:09.460 --> 00:31:11.140
You can follow us on Instagram and Facebook.

00:31:11.410 --> 00:31:19.809
If there is a topic or question or anything that you would like us to discuss, or even pray for you for, or even have a zoom chat with you, we'd love the opportunity.

00:31:19.809 --> 00:31:23.890
You can reach out to us@amplifiedmarriageatgmail.com.

00:31:24.265 --> 00:31:29.684
And as you hear us say, at the end of every episode, we believe that marriage can be reset, refresh the charge.

00:31:30.464 --> 00:31:31.484
Thank you so much for this day.

00:31:31.664 --> 00:31:32.414
Talk to you soon.