WEBVTT
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Welcome to, to episode 19 of amplified marriage.
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Today, we are talking about hashtag instastress
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Welcome to another episode of amplified marriage.
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I'm not only grab a coffee, grab a snack, sit down.
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We're excited.
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I did have a chat with you today.
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Hey, if you miss last week, we talked about how to survive Jekyll and Hyde, where Bryan and I kind of.
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Sort of humorously go into a little bit of our history in the earlier years of our marriage.
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So if you missed it, be sure to check that out today, we are talking about COVID instastress that's right.
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What exactly does that mean?
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And are we coping right?
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You know what it really means a lot to us that you guys have been listening from all over the world, that we've had a tremendous amount of support.
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If this is something that you value, we need you to do something for us, share it with your friends and your family.
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Let people know what amplified marriage we'd love for people just to get involved and hear what we're talking about.
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We want to make sure that people's marriages thrive in relationships, thrive and move forward
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that's right.
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And they know that they're not doing this alone.
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There are other people around the world.
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Who struggled in the same ways.
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And if not, then at least there's some tools to help prepare you.
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Should you ever struggle that way.
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Absolutely.
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And so today's topic COVID insstastress.
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What does that mean?
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Right.
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Well, I feel like it's sort of been the topic at the never ending topic right of life where we all thought, or at least we did.
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That this wasn't going to be as drawn out or as, as it's been.
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Right.
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So when we were really talking about what sort of stressors this has produced, right, we came up with a fairly substantial list and I'm pretty sure we're missing some too.
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So fill in the blanks.
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If what we say, isn't something that you've thought about or is something that you've thought about.
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Yeah.
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Or maybe you haven't experienced and now are experiencing for the very first time.
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And so we're talking about things like job loss, budget cuts at your job, a church in a box, instead of, instead of going to church, you have to watch it online.
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Yeah.
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Gloves face masks, face shields, universal precautions for absolutely everything that's going on.
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Pressures at home.
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Maybe there's extra drinking or someone's started drinking, maybe there's drugs or addictions pornography.
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Your kids are home.
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All these types of pressure and things are happening.
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Maybe there's financial strain.
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A spiritual and emotional, physical, mental, all the strains.
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There's no connection you are missing out on your family and your friends.
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There's a lack of community, a lack of being able to connect one-on-one with people.
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And the thing about that, the lack of community, it's funny because my wife is an introvert.
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I am very much an extrovert.
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And at the beginning of this, she's like, this is fantastic.
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I just get to be at home all day and not have to converse with people about three or four months in.
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We both really realized, and especially my wife, how much that connection means and how much community is important.
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And for us, a big part of our community has been church.
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and we built, like friends out of that, like long lifelong friends, support systems and prayer.
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And if someone's struggling, there's food and there's things that all happened because of that.
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And Natalie was realizing that she missed it.
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I was immediately squirrly within two weeks of being at home.
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I was like, this is dumbest thing ever.
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I think for me, I like to set the boundary.
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So when everything's available, You know, shopping or, or just going out in general is available.
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I want to be the one to determine when that's not working for me.
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Right.
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I don't like.
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To be told I can't do something.
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I want the choice to be able to say, actually, I'm going to, I'm going to opt out of this.
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Yes, I can totally do it, but I'm going to just choose not to.
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And this was decided for you.
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This was decided for me, which really like the rebellious side of me was like, right.
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It's
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much like me and my beard that I can't grow.
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I want to be able to grow a beard and shave it off to say that I don't want one.
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Right,
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right,
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exactly.
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There has been this really
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there's been a real void,
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a real void in community.
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And, and even those that are introverts are starting to feel that.
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Can we just say, like we did a lot of zoom things
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and that's not the same.
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It's not the same at all.
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It's great.
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It serves a purpose, but that I think was a real short lived, actually seeing people
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physically and being in the same place on
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a more serious note.
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all of the people that have passed away either from COVID or.
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Health related issues.
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There was a definite stress on people not being able to be with her.
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Me and my pastor just had to do a funeral with a small team of someone that was important in our church and had been with us for a long time.
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And instead of being able to have a funeral of.
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200 or 300 of people that would have come from all over Canada to see this man's funeral.
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We ended up having to do like 45.
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She had to send out invitations for those family members to be the ones that came to the service.
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We live streamed it, but it just wasn't the same.
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We can't have that.
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So that's, that's a real thing that's going on, where people just can't meet to, to grieve and to mourn and to celebrate the stories, the things that you do at a bigger funeral.
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And a big Memorial,
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or even if the people in your life are ill.
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Right.
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And there's just, there's so many stresses that come with.
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Just not all, all of these people that are suffering that are.
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Practically alone.
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Right.
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which is so difficult,
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you're struggling, because you're our frontline support staff.
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We appreciate all that you've done for the last six, seven months, but maybe you're one of those support stuff that we've heard stories and read articles and seen videos of families that haven't seen their husband or their kids or their, their wife or their children for the last six months, or even, maybe even half that time, because they had to.
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Constantly be in quarantine because everything they're doing and they couldn't be around different people.
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And maybe that's where you are, or maybe you're you're in Canada or United States or wherever you're listening from.
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And there's huge political strain in our world right now that the sides are divided on almost every issue.
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No one can agree on anything.
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Maybe you have someone in your family that's super political and it's just, it's a real tough time to be in that family.
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The world right now just seems like there's no order.
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Everything is just in a, in a state of disarray.
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Right.
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We understand too, that some have felt this pressure and all of the things that have gone on there has, I'm sure there's so many more
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things that stresses that, that we
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haven't thought of, that you can fill the blanks in for.
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Right.
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And it's not, we didn't list all of these things off to overwhelm you, but these are real valid stresses.
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That are happening that are happening right now.
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And then how can you be in that situation or be around that environment and still have a healthy relationship with those that are closest to
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now?
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One thing we do want to say is that in some of these issues you may have been facing before COVID.
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Yeah.
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Maybe, maybe some of these things you just were like, man, that was the thing that we struggled with even before all of this, having to stay at home.
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And my kids are at home with me now, and I didn't struggle with drinking before I had a drinking problem 15 years ago.
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And this just brought up some old feelings or I didn't struggle with pornography.
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And now it's just like, I can't seem to get away from it, whatever your struggle is.
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Right now, we just want to say encourage you, man.
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There's a way out.
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There's people that love you.
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There's victory.
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There's going to be success.
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Relationships can be mended and taken care of and rebuilt know that there's people out there that supports, you know, that we are out there.
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And if you ever want prayer or anything, please just let us know.
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But just there's people out there in your community.
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That would love to have the opportunity to pray for you and just even see you over zoom.
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That's right.
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And I know that, you know, I mean the whole list of, of stresses, some of those aren't fixed in a moment.
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Right.
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Right.
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And being able to be present in the moment and we've, we've had our fair share of stresses financially and, I mean, we haven't experienced some of these and we've experienced it.
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Yeah.
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And they're not fixed in a moment.
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Right.
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Right.
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Relationships, aren't fixed in a moment.
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Right.
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Healthy ways and developing healthy patterns.
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Aren't done overnight either.
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and the thing is, is that what we we've realized too, when you're faced with a major thing, like a pandemic that the world hasn't really experienced, we're on what I'm hoping is a tail end, but we're at a different stage.
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We're in phase three or phase two, depending on what part of the country you're in.
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We, it forces you to kind of take a look at an, a stock of the things that happened in your life.
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The things that are valuable to you, the things that are, are not valuable to you, the time that you have the time that may you haven't had the things that you, you have felt.
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The thing that we're realizing in all of this is that.
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sometimes you're looking back and you see some decisions that you made that were just poor and you wish you would've made different ones.
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This is an opportunity.
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I think that we can change our perspective and look at this this time as a time to reset our relationship.
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And, we've heard in some of these things, we know couples, Natalie and I are actually one of the couples, but for some marriages, the pandemic has created a closeness and a bond like, people haven't experienced in their relationship before.
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But on the flip side of that, There's it's, it's also pushed people and exasperated some relationships to a point of breaking apart, and pushing them to the limit and pushing people to, to where they may not be able to, they feel like they can't recover.
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Exactly.
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And I, for myself in dealing with stress, I feel as though if I'm in a place where I'm at a healthy place, it doesn't matter.
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The circumstance, that can happen.
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I mean, that's out of my control more often than not a circumstance or situation that happens.
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Right.
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But I can be responsible and in control of how I choose to react or how I choose to respond.
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Yeah.
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I was just thinking about, to like our minivan.
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We don't have a minivan now, but we did.
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And when we lived up North.
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where it was very cold.
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Our head gasket had gone in the van
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and like, minus I think it was minus 25 or 30
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with a windshield or something.
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It was brutal.
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Ridiculous.
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And we had one vehicle.
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and so the vehicle would only act up.
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When I was driving, it was, for anyone who has not experienced this kind of a situation, the thermostat reading goes all over the place.
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And so you tend to overheat your motor and you don't know, like that was a telltale sign.
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That that was imminent.
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So in that particular situation, I lost my.
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I was so angry and so frustrated because we didn't have the money.
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And I knew because in our other car, the head gaskets went, it was several thousand dollars to fix.
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Right.
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We certainly didn't have several thousand dollars.
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We had little, we had three kids.
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Our daughter was a baby at that time.
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And our son was in kindergarten, who was waiting for me to pick him up from school when this all happened.
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So I was already stressed out about being late yeah.
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And stressed out.
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Cause we didn't have any money and, and the list it went on and on and on and on.
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And I just lost my mind.
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I was freaking out and panic and fear set in and took hold.
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Attempted to take while it did take hold.
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Okay.
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Yeah.
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I would quite agree with you that you're inconsolable.
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Like I had to bring a friend of mine and in that time we also, weren't doing very well as a married couple, but I had to bring a friend of ours in to help just kind of reason with like, this is not the end of the world.
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We can fix this
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and, and, and it did get fixed
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quickly too.
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Like it
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wasn't, it wasn't, but the.
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The response that I chose moment, I think, well, one, I know it was a very, it was not healthy, right?
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It didn't.
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Help, the atmosphere in the home, it didn't help sort of how I was communicating with you.
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Like it was your fault.
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Do you know what I mean?
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Like
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I was nowhere near it.
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We didn't know it was going to happen.
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It was super cold.
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The car would, the van was at that time was actually running really good too.
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Like we had met.
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Yes.
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But you were the enemy because that was the only thing that I could project my feelings on.
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Absolutely.
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And you may want to look at them like the enemy, but they are not.
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And so.
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Those of you who know us might go, well, why didn't you pray?
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Or did you pray?
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No,
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not at all.
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We did.
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I did not.
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I went to God only after the fact when I'm like, why aren't you fixing this?
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So it wasn't like, Hey Lord, I need help.
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I need wisdom.
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You need to, to bring us the right people to help us in this situation.
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It was just, what can I do?
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In my own strength in the physical to fix my own situation.
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God was an afterthought in that moment, right?
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Fast forward, several years, the same minivan, different circumstance.
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So it wasn't the head gaskets this time.
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It was the
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fuel pump,
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right in the middle of a super busy intersection in the highway.
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The fuel pump decides it's going to go guess who's driving me.
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Definitely wasn't
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me.
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It wasn't never Brian, which is so irritating.