Oct. 19, 2020

Season 1 Ep.20 // Nothing Endures but Change!

Season 1 Ep.20 // Nothing Endures but Change!

In this week's podcast, we discuss some strategies to use if one person in the marriage is unwilling to change. We break apart some common attitudes of the unwilling, and discuss our own experience with this struggle. Thanks for listening. We appreciate you. If you want us to discuss something for a podcast. Let us know at amplifiedmarriage@gmail.com SUBSCRIBE LIKE & SHARE We want to hear from you. Stay connected to Amplified Marriage Website Instagram Send us a text Sup...

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Season 1 Amplified Marriage Better Way Change

In this week's podcast, we discuss some strategies to use if one person in the marriage is unwilling to change.  We break apart some common attitudes of the unwilling, and discuss our own experience with this struggle. 

Thanks for listening. We appreciate you.

If you want us to discuss something for a podcast.

Let us know at amplifiedmarriage@gmail.com

SUBSCRIBE

LIKE & SHARE

We want to hear from you. Stay connected to Amplified Marriage
Website
Instagram

Send us a text

Support the show

SUBSCRIBE

LIKE & SHARE

We want to hear from you. Stay connected to Amplified Marriage
Website
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We are strong believers that marriages can be reset, refreshed, recharged, and restored. 

WEBVTT

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This is episode 19 of the amplified marriage podcast.

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Today.

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We're talking about change, nothing endures, but change Welcome to another episode of amplified marriage.

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I am Brian I'm Natalie.

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Wherever you are, whatever you're doing.

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As you heard us say before, grab a coffee, grab a tea, get comfy.

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We are so glad that we get to have a chat with you today.

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In case you missed last week's episode, we talked about COVID i hashtag.

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Yeah.

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In distress, we discussed five ways to handle stress and handle that stress together.

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So in case you missed that and go back and take a listen this week, we are talking all about actually it's another episode on, on change, and we're want to talk about what happens if one partner changes and one doesn't.

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If one partner and one spouse is doing all the changing in there, they're really digging deep.

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You've been there going to be accountable with someone in there, working through all of their issues and they want the marriage to work desperately with their spouse, but the spouse is just doing it.

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Everything possible to not change.

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What are you doing?

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We want to give you today.

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Some strategies, tips, some of, some insight into our own story, because I was very much that guy.

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They didn't want to change.

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And so we're going to start with just a few, a few things that can possibly damage that relationship,

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right?

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If you don't trust your spouse's ability to change, would you recognize and believe it when it happens?

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So I can ask this confidently now, after being married for such a long time, you heard our story just a few episodes ago, but.

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In that time were the two and a half years.

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And then finally I had that epiphany moment and I went into the bathroom one way, angry, bitter, frustrated, eyes glazed over and not really engaged to turn around a come out and everything was changed in the eyes.

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Did you immediately think, Oh, well, I'm going to believe everything he's saying to me from now

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on upper case N upper case.

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No.

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Wow, good thing.

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You're a, you do math

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and,

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and I think some of the reasons were just some of my lack of follow through my lack of keeping the promises.

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You could never see anything changing.

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What were some of the reasons you didn't trust me?

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I

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think up until that point, there was really nothing that you gave me because marriage is give and take.

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Right?

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So what you were doling out was just a pack of lies.

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Honestly,

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like not, not everything or like, you know, I was going to bring home McDonald's I brought home McDonald's I wasn't a pack of lies.

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Okay.

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But, but that's, that's just glazing over.

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That's like a practice.

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Oh, you're talking about like the, the

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talking about the deep stuff,

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the deep stuff.

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Well, we're talking

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about our communication or a lack of communication or the issues that were really going on in our marriage.

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We're trying to even.

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figure out what those issues were.

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Right.

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That's what I'm referring to when it was just a pack of lies because it didn't matter.

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Now I know that you, in the previous episodes you have said, Oh, she'll probably disagree, but I was pretty much the schmuck.

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and I do disagree because even,

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even though you're wrong, you disagree,

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even though

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she, how she has moved past that listeners.

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Wouldn't.

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No one wants to be the one that has the issue, right?

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Because it's embarrassing.

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It can be humiliating.

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I certainly don't like to be wrong.

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so it takes a lot of humility to lay down the pride.

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Of being right or the need to be right in order for me to be able to work on me.

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And so even though it took longer, it took many more years before that became a reality for me, what my part was.

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How many years into the marriage?

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Well, if I believe, no, no, no, no.

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It was probably the 10 year Mark,

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10, 10 or 12 year Mark, somewhere around

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there.

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But it was like two and a half years of like, everything was good and we were dating and then we get married and everything goes downhill.

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We are, you don't trust me.

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You don't believe anything.

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I'm saying you don't think I can change because I and Hinton here's some of the reasons why, and even this topic tonight actually comes from someone's.

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I'm heart is right now.

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It's just struggling in relationship and it's not, we have, we have talk to so many couples coach, so many couples through this particular thing, whereas I'm doing all this to invest into the relationship and nothing has changed.

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What do I do?

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This comes from a place of, we have been there.

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I was that guy.

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And so in that two and a half years, I didn't keep promises.

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I said all the right things.

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Oh, you're right.

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I do need to change.

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That's right.

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All right.

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Yeah, let's do that together.

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You know what?

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You're right.

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Let's do devotions.

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You're right.

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We should pray more.

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And, and I can tell you now we've been married for 19 years.

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And because we didn't establish some of those patterns at the beginning, we pray together now, like, and it's been, it's been a long time that we've done that, but we don't pray as much as we want to, or maybe sometimes as much as we should.

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Right.

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Because we didn't build the pattern or the discipline early on, because instead of me leading the household, I was doing what I wanted to do and was just be a selfish jerk

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face.

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Right.

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And then, because I was out of control.

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I'm in my own emotions.

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Right.

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I really strove to, like, if you're not going to lead, then I'm going to lead.

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Right.

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And then created a whole, slew of issues and manipulations and things like that.

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In order for me to get you to realize the need to change your behavior.

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Yeah.

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So I wasn't really concerned about a heart change at that point.

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I was more concerned about.

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Your behavior is stinky and it needs to change and needs to change.

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So what

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you're saying is you suck and I want you to not be sucky.

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Right.

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And

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really

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that's, that's what I heard.

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You said that I heard you suck.

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It's fine.

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I can get over it.

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I'm over it now.

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But I mean like, what are some of the reasons like the things that we even wrote down as we were preparing for this, some of the design didn't affect us, but the thing is, is that as you.

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You spend two and a half years like we did, or any length of time, maybe it's 10 years, maybe it's 15 years.

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And you're like, man, I really love this person, but I'm just struggling as you, you work these things out and as you, you look back, we look back, every, Unfulfilled promise unfulfilled statement, unfulfilled or emotional trust was broken.

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Spiritual trust was broken.

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It all just compounded on each other and nothing ever got right.

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That's right.

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And it took a long time.

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So from the moment that you walked out of the bathroom, my heart as your wife, wanted to believe.

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Right, because I could see visibly on your face

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that something shifted

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something shifts.

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Right.

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Except I thought, well, he is, he is a great, illusionist.

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Well, cause no one knew we had any marriage problems.

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So we were really good.

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Right.

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And so I was like, what kind of game do you think you're pulling here?

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And you expect that I'm going to believe that you went in that way.

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And I watched you, I watched how you carried yourself and you come out seemingly the man that I married.

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And the man that I dated, what have you done with the other husband that just was here?

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Whereas the other trades, I

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mean, it was really, it really pulled the rug.

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Right.

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And I thought you were really trying to pull the wool over my eyes, but I'm smarter than that.

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I said to myself, so I really put you through the gamut.

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Yeah.

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And I purposefully.

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I don't know how to say this.

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I didn't poke the bear, but I.

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You, you

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tested,

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tested the waters

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to put you through the ringer

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to see like, is he actually

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changed?

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It is, it is in some things I succeeded at and some things I failed at.

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And I remember the failures because you would lay a strip into me.

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We remember what you said a few months ago, you said you were going to change and this hasn't changed.

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And I would be like, you're right.

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But that's what you had heard for so long.

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Oh, you're right.

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And I'm going to do my best to change.

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And after walking out of the bathroom and really saying like, I really do want to change some things really did shift immediately.

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There were some really our relationship started to improve communication, changed how I approached you was less aggressive,

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but even like the physical touch

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that took a while

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that took a while that took a long time where I'm like, I don't know.

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Where, because you had behaved a certain way.

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Yeah.

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The thought of your attender caress, let's say made a sound so awful to say it now, but it really made my skin crawl.

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Okay.

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I w I was like, you're not, I will not be vulnerable in this area.

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When you have stomped squashed, crushed it.

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You've put it through the ringer.

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There is no way that you think I'm going to spawned to you in kind when I think you're just putting on a show.

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Yeah.

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Because you don't want the relationship to end.

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Right, or I don't want the relationship to end.

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So I'm just saying the right things and do it

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right, right, right.

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Like how convenient.

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Yeah.

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We're

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already at the end of, in the middle of this or near the end of December, just to be like, I'm done with this guy.

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This has been two and a half years of, of like abuse, emotional abuse.

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It's been, it's been terrible and you were ready to just be like, okay, I'm finished and I didn't want to go see counseling.

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I didn't want anything.

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And if you're listening to this today and, and some of the things that I'm saying are hitting you.

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And this is the relationship that you have.

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It could be some of the things I said, it could be lack of promises or I'm saying all or your husband or your wife is saying all the right things about change, but it could be all kinds of things.

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Maybe you're not making time there or the spouse isn't making time for you or the kids, or they're maybe they're emotionally or physically abusive.

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If they're physically abusive, please get help.

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Get out of there.

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If there's physically abusive, there's there's shelters.

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There's people that can help you.

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Maybe they're frequently unfaithful.

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Or emotionally unfaithful that's equally as traumatized.

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Yeah, absolutely.

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Maybe they have addictions, maybe it's drinking or gambling or drugs or whatever it is.

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Maybe it's addiction to bows and arrows or that the addiction we always assume is substance, but there could be addiction to video games.

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You remember food?

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Do you remember that statistic?

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We read with two years ago when Fortnite came out.

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That in the United Kingdom, there was a 5% increase, increase in divorces because of fortnight.

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It's crazy statistic, but that's, that's a half.

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Maybe your, you can't hold a job down.

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He says he can.

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And he just, or she, whoever it is and the relationship, they can't hold the job down.

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Maybe the one of them spending too much money.

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Yeah.

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And the thing is, is if your spouse won't change.

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Or they're unwilling to improve your marriage.

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You're going to end well,

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it won't end well, and you really could just spend the next 15 or 20 years just being miserable.

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Right.

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And we don't want that for you.

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That's not our desire.

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it, isn't easy to cope with this, so those things, but one thing we have learned, I think this is where we really want to get into the nitty gritty.

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Is it, you can't change your

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spouse.

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Spouse oh, that's so hard because I wanted nothing more than to change you.

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But.

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Let's say that something I had said really was like that catalyst that changed your heart, then who would the glory go to the glory?

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Wouldn't go to God for doing a miraculous work in our marriage and in my heart and in your heart, it would go to me, which is never a good thing.

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Is there anything that you said that even did remotely strike a chord was either brought up anger or it was just phys-ed in my ears.

00:12:07.914 --> 00:12:09.205
Cause I want to hear what you had to say anyway.

00:12:09.534 --> 00:12:10.404
Yeah, that's true.

00:12:10.585 --> 00:12:12.024
And it was it theirs.

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It was laced with poison, right?

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So you can change your spouse.

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That is really difficult to come to terms with.

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It was difficult for me.

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It took 10 years for me to get that reality check.

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And, I w I remember sitting on the couch in our home up North, and I remember, I don't know if I had a thought or I was just thinking about.

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The previous 10 years or whatnot, but it was in that moment of contemplation of whatever we had all of our children at that point that I really felt the Lord speak to my heart.

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You do not esteem your husband.

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Now I'm putting inflection on that.

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It was not in a chastising way.

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It was a very soft.

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Almost like a whisper.

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If it wasn't a chastising way, would you have been willing to listen to what God was saying?

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No.

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And the Lord knows that.

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So I hear

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whenever I do that, you don't listen to anything.

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Right.

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And who would I hear you?

00:13:19.504 --> 00:13:23.825
Didn't esteem your husband sidebar.

00:13:24.995 --> 00:13:26.044
I was so,

00:13:26.284 --> 00:13:31.774
so what you're saying is, is that you can't change your spouse.

00:13:32.309 --> 00:13:38.789
But where you're getting to, as the Lord was saying, you have to work on you because there's something in you that's having

00:13:39.080 --> 00:13:39.620
that's all right.

00:13:39.830 --> 00:13:41.149
Now, for whatever reason,

00:13:41.899 --> 00:13:42.919
can you break it down for us?

00:13:42.950 --> 00:13:43.519
Yes.

00:13:43.580 --> 00:13:45.110
So esteem at your husband.

00:13:45.110 --> 00:13:46.100
I was so choked.

00:13:46.669 --> 00:13:48.860
I was literally angry.

00:13:49.580 --> 00:13:52.580
So I looked up the definition of the word esteem.

00:13:53.990 --> 00:14:01.250
And as I began to read the definition of esteem and then all of the.

00:14:02.460 --> 00:14:04.679
Synonyms that go with that word.

00:14:04.679 --> 00:14:09.330
So respect honor cherish.

00:14:10.230 --> 00:14:16.289
the more I began to read the, I didn't become more angry.

00:14:16.379 --> 00:14:25.769
I became tearful because it was that moment where for me, the reality hit the fan of my part.

00:14:26.220 --> 00:14:29.669
That I had to play in the breakdown of the communication.

00:14:30.000 --> 00:14:32.690
So just hold that thought before you move on.

00:14:32.779 --> 00:14:35.389
Can I go back to two and a half years?

00:14:35.389 --> 00:14:36.649
We nothing really

00:14:36.649 --> 00:14:36.919
worked.

00:14:37.730 --> 00:14:38.360
Nothing, worked,

00:14:38.419 --> 00:14:39.590
nothing worked communication.

00:14:39.590 --> 00:14:40.730
Didn't work, sex didn't work.

00:14:41.120 --> 00:14:41.450
True.

00:14:41.470 --> 00:14:43.549
Traveling didn't work being in the same place didn't work.

00:14:43.580 --> 00:14:43.850
Nope.

00:14:44.000 --> 00:14:46.789
So in that time, I didn't give you any reason to.

00:14:48.450 --> 00:14:48.990
No,

00:14:49.289 --> 00:14:52.409
but it was not until year 10,

00:14:52.669 --> 00:14:54.769
but I made a choice not

00:14:54.769 --> 00:15:02.720
to esteem you, but you didn't realize that you made that choice until year 10 when it was like a soft, still voice saying, Hey, you don't esteem your husband.

00:15:02.720 --> 00:15:07.850
I haven't given you any reason to esteem, to cherish, to love in those two and a half years.

00:15:07.850 --> 00:15:13.350
But after when things started to change, More and more things are like, man, he really does love me.

00:15:13.350 --> 00:15:14.039
He cares for me.

00:15:14.039 --> 00:15:15.090
He's taken care of me.

00:15:15.090 --> 00:15:16.179
I'm stable with him.

00:15:16.389 --> 00:15:19.080
And, and relationships started to improve.

00:15:19.529 --> 00:15:23.220
Then there's times where I am a steaming you, right.

00:15:23.279 --> 00:15:28.740
Or a, you are, I am, I'm giving you reason to honor me and to esteem me and to, to give me the respect.

00:15:28.889 --> 00:15:36.419
So now that's happening, but you're choosing to not esteem me, even though I've given you a reason to.

00:15:36.975 --> 00:15:38.174
Is that, would that be,

00:15:38.264 --> 00:15:38.985
Oh, I see what you mean.

00:15:39.575 --> 00:15:49.504
That may have been part of it, but I really feel as though it was a direct conversation in regards to the past,

00:15:49.955 --> 00:15:51.034
like the two and a half years.

00:15:51.065 --> 00:15:51.634
Yes.

00:15:51.845 --> 00:15:53.674
Because I did esteem you.

00:15:53.735 --> 00:16:03.664
I thought in that time, I think that's probably why I got so ticked off was because of my, how dare, like the Holy spirit.

00:16:03.664 --> 00:16:05.945
Say that to me that I don't esteem my.

00:16:06.600 --> 00:16:14.700
But if I'm taking a real hard, honest look at my heart, which this is the whole catalyst to change, am I willing to look at those ugly places within my own heart?

00:16:16.009 --> 00:16:19.220
So what you're saying is I'm, this is, this is fantastic.

00:16:20.029 --> 00:16:31.639
Is what you're saying is, is that the wounds that we can experience in her life, if not dealt with, will travel with us and the baggage becomes unbearable and it can compound on top of each other.

00:16:32.159 --> 00:16:39.570
Like realistically, had you not dealt with this later in that relationship, there could have been another time where he was so tumultuous.

00:16:39.570 --> 00:16:39.750
Yeah.

00:16:40.200 --> 00:16:45.000
The relationship was again at a stressful time, because I remember you writing me that email.

00:16:45.000 --> 00:16:50.950
You remember that email, it's like four pages long of all of these, expectations that she had for me.

00:16:50.950 --> 00:16:55.730
And, and some of them, I would say 95% of them were unachievable.

00:16:56.240 --> 00:17:06.950
And the other 95% of it, like almost all of it was things I didn't even know that she had expectations with me, but because she had such a deep wound, like, am I saying this right?

00:17:06.950 --> 00:17:07.069
Yeah.

00:17:07.069 --> 00:17:07.880
It's such a deep wound.

00:17:08.240 --> 00:17:16.009
You weren't communicating those expectations with me, even though I was giving you reason to be esteemed or to honor me and esteem me.

00:17:16.609 --> 00:17:20.269
You were had that wall of wound and pain from the two and a half years.

00:17:20.410 --> 00:17:25.210
And it's the lens with which I saw everything that you did good or not was through that lens.

00:17:25.474 --> 00:17:25.865
Wow.

00:17:26.654 --> 00:17:36.954
so it took a long time to come up with all of those pages of, and it was, and maybe this might be a help to some of you.

00:17:37.704 --> 00:17:46.134
I numbered them and it wasn't one of, one of my biggest pet peeves is someone who apologizes in generalizations.

00:17:46.974 --> 00:17:47.605
I'm sorry, but

00:17:47.634 --> 00:17:49.255
I'm not, not necessary.

00:17:49.265 --> 00:18:02.125
Well, that's another thing, but I'm sorry for whatever I may have said today, then I'm like, are you referring to the thing you said at eight or eight 20 or nine o'clock like, which, which specific incident are you referring to?

00:18:03.055 --> 00:18:05.035
I believe in specifics.

00:18:05.694 --> 00:18:08.845
I want you to know exactly what I am sorry for.

00:18:09.535 --> 00:18:18.674
And so sometimes you have to, you have to swallow the humility pill and you have to really get truthful with yourself.

00:18:18.974 --> 00:18:27.795
And for me, that starting point was really coming to a place where I could acknowledge, even though it was raw and ugly.

00:18:27.825 --> 00:18:31.335
And who, I mean, when you, you weren't expecting four pages of notes,

00:18:31.630 --> 00:18:36.099
But I remember the conversation after the email, because you wanted to talk about it,

00:18:36.569 --> 00:18:37.019
right.

00:18:37.170 --> 00:18:38.190
Par for the course for you.

00:18:38.190 --> 00:18:39.509
But, I think the.

00:18:40.690 --> 00:18:45.430
The conversation that we had afterwards, it was kind of a really good friend of mine says this all the time.

00:18:45.430 --> 00:18:47.200
It's like, again, it's a fire hose to the face.

00:18:47.230 --> 00:18:49.269
Like just, it was like a fire hose.

00:18:49.690 --> 00:18:54.009
I'm like, Holy, I didn't realize that there were so many unspoken expectations.

00:18:54.009 --> 00:18:58.690
And again, if you haven't listened to one of their very first episodes,

00:18:59.039 --> 00:19:01.859
Oh, that was just a touch on to unmet expectations.

00:19:01.890 --> 00:19:04.410
Our whole podcast could be just on unmet expectations.

00:19:04.410 --> 00:19:04.680
Right.

00:19:05.164 --> 00:19:14.224
If you go back and listen to that one, but man, the 95 and it was from like legitimately, we had an epiphany at two and a half years, or I had an epiphany.

00:19:14.555 --> 00:19:21.335
You had an epiphany at 10 years in, and then those two moments, I'm like, there's a quote that my son sent me today.

00:19:21.394 --> 00:19:25.204
He said, nothing in except change, nothing endures, but change.

00:19:25.234 --> 00:19:25.414
Yep.

00:19:25.910 --> 00:19:28.190
No matter what change is always happening.

00:19:28.519 --> 00:19:31.759
And so we had two times and probably if you like smaller times.

00:19:31.930 --> 00:19:32.140
Yeah.

00:19:32.140 --> 00:19:34.029
But those were like two major or

00:19:34.059 --> 00:19:39.759
two life changing moments of submission to what God was doing in our hearts and God was doing in her life.

00:19:39.759 --> 00:19:42.190
And that was, that was regarding our marriage.

00:19:42.220 --> 00:19:48.640
There's been tons of those little moments where God's kind of shifted our career or our children, how we approach our kids or how we approach people.

00:19:48.640 --> 00:19:51.369
But in our marriage, we've had these couple big.

00:19:51.505 --> 00:19:58.525
Earth shaking things where it was like, whoops, we're repaired and healed and God, and we asked for forgiveness for, from each other.

00:19:58.525 --> 00:20:00.714
And we walked through those things.

00:20:01.615 --> 00:20:08.095
This is like, this is an interesting conversation to have, like I'm having some, this is really good.

00:20:08.125 --> 00:20:08.724
This is really good.

00:20:09.075 --> 00:20:09.345
Right.

00:20:09.375 --> 00:20:12.434
And then it was only when I started to focus on the areas.

00:20:12.950 --> 00:20:15.410
In my own heart that were wounded and needed healing.

00:20:15.650 --> 00:20:19.180
And some of those areas I didn't do in real life that were issues that were issues.

00:20:19.700 --> 00:20:20.650
I really started.

00:20:20.650 --> 00:20:33.609
I was at that place when I, when my eyes were open to the fact that I don't respect you 10 years in it, I really felt I felt guilty.

00:20:33.849 --> 00:20:36.099
And that was my own self feeling.

00:20:36.099 --> 00:20:36.640
Guilty.

00:20:37.000 --> 00:20:39.490
It like you didn't project that onto me.

00:20:40.150 --> 00:20:40.779
At all.

00:20:40.779 --> 00:20:45.700
I just that wall that it just crumbled.

00:20:45.849 --> 00:20:46.150
Yeah.

00:20:46.450 --> 00:20:53.950
And in that place of absolute brokenness, could I then come to terms with what was really going on?

00:20:54.660 --> 00:20:59.589
only at that point, could I begin to love you without conditions?

00:20:59.819 --> 00:21:00.180
Right.

00:21:00.839 --> 00:21:01.289
Wow.

00:21:01.950 --> 00:21:03.569
That's like an epiphany moment for us,

00:21:03.990 --> 00:21:04.410
right?

00:21:04.470 --> 00:21:06.519
So, one might say, well, what.

00:21:07.130 --> 00:21:09.769
What were some of the ones on your list?

00:21:10.039 --> 00:21:21.519
It was like, I am sorry that I stole leadership from you because I felt like you weren't adequate as a leader.

00:21:23.859 --> 00:21:28.299
So that's just one of the things.

00:21:29.000 --> 00:21:38.779
I didn't want it to be, let's just skim the surface of like, well, I'm sorry that you know about the toilet seat or about the lawn mowing in our previous podcasts.

00:21:38.809 --> 00:21:39.019
Yeah.

00:21:39.140 --> 00:21:46.490
Those were on there, but I really wanted to get to the nitty gritty root of, of the things that I had expectations of.

00:21:46.490 --> 00:21:50.599
And I, and as I was writing and it just, it was like a flood gate.

00:21:51.559 --> 00:21:56.119
I kept praying and I was like, Lord, what else?

00:21:57.005 --> 00:22:00.365
Because I want to be an open or an open book.

00:22:00.365 --> 00:22:05.515
I want to be a clean slate and it starts with acknowledging my

00:22:06.085 --> 00:22:06.505
right.

00:22:07.164 --> 00:22:24.829
And it's like, and it's the wounds that you may be carrying, even from previous relationships, from divorce of your parents, from , just deaths in the family from all of those wounds can actually carry consequences if not properly dealt with.

00:22:25.789 --> 00:22:27.660
And we didn't realize that

00:22:28.410 --> 00:22:30.309
counseling was such a taboo topic.

00:22:30.460 --> 00:22:30.670
Right.

00:22:30.789 --> 00:22:40.990
I mean, nobody was talking about you certainly didn't tell anyone you were going to counseling and it's so ridiculous in hindsight now because we're advocates for counseling.

00:22:41.079 --> 00:22:41.319
Yeah.

00:22:41.349 --> 00:22:42.880
We've been to counseling.

00:22:43.240 --> 00:22:43.420
Yeah,

00:22:43.450 --> 00:22:44.890
and mentored by married couples,

00:22:45.339 --> 00:22:45.789
right?

00:22:45.789 --> 00:22:50.559
Like counsel doesn't have to be sitting in, you know, on the couch, in a psychiatrist's office.

00:22:50.559 --> 00:22:52.599
Although that is a huge part of it too.

00:22:53.079 --> 00:22:58.690
godly council can come from your pastor or come from, a trustful friend that you had.

00:22:59.130 --> 00:22:59.519
Right, right.

00:22:59.880 --> 00:23:00.029
Yep.

00:23:00.109 --> 00:23:04.250
but we were never meant to walk issues in life alone.

00:23:04.670 --> 00:23:04.759
Right.

00:23:05.174 --> 00:23:11.894
And as soon as there's marital issues, the tendency is to just isolate because it's empty.

00:23:12.605 --> 00:23:12.785
Yeah.

00:23:12.815 --> 00:23:15.184
And you don't want people to know that they're having problems.

00:23:15.904 --> 00:23:23.704
And so we're advocates for, if you are in a place where you're struggling and you've tried, let's say you've everything we've talked about thus far.

00:23:23.765 --> 00:23:25.025
You're like been there, done that.

00:23:25.505 --> 00:23:27.214
I've read the books and this and that.

00:23:27.694 --> 00:23:31.295
It might be time to have that conversation about professional counseling.

00:23:31.440 --> 00:23:31.589
Yeah.

00:23:32.519 --> 00:23:32.869
And

00:23:33.240 --> 00:23:33.960
there's nothing wrong with it.

00:23:33.980 --> 00:23:46.579
Well, the reason that we, we say very specifically, you can't change your spouse and there's a few reasons for it and we've touched on some of them, but here just as a kind of a, you can't, there's that saying in the world?

00:23:46.775 --> 00:23:51.384
The world always says this or society says this, you can't teach an old dog new tricks,

00:23:51.474 --> 00:23:51.865
right?

00:23:52.045 --> 00:23:52.434
Tiger.

00:23:52.434 --> 00:23:53.454
Can't change the stripes.

00:23:53.875 --> 00:23:54.714
All baloney.

00:23:54.865 --> 00:23:58.575
It's a hundred percent a mindset that you have if you're willing to change.

00:23:58.575 --> 00:24:04.234
And the reason that you focus on yourself, these because you can, you can control you.

00:24:05.075 --> 00:24:08.285
You can control your anger, you can control what comes out of your mouth.

00:24:08.375 --> 00:24:09.634
You can control your.

00:24:10.644 --> 00:24:17.275
Your behaviors, how you respond, the patterns that you have, it's a choice that you make, but you can never control the other person.

00:24:17.275 --> 00:24:21.744
And so here's just a few reasons why you can't, you can't change your spouse.

00:24:22.134 --> 00:24:23.694
It's really just disrespectful.

00:24:24.924 --> 00:24:32.025
It's not a respectful position to take in that relationship, because what you're saying is that, when you're trying to change them, you're saying to them, you're not enough,

00:24:32.164 --> 00:24:32.525
right.

00:24:32.765 --> 00:24:35.015
It breaks down their self esteem, you hurt their feelings.

00:24:35.494 --> 00:24:36.454
It's demeaning.

00:24:36.815 --> 00:24:43.954
And I remember, so we talk about me not respecting you and that whole thing, how it emasculated you because

00:24:44.144 --> 00:24:48.515
I don't, I don't think in the moment I think I just wasn't emotionally aware enough in the moment that was emasculating.

00:24:48.575 --> 00:24:48.724
Right.

00:24:49.275 --> 00:24:51.194
Taking a cognitive look back.

00:24:51.555 --> 00:24:52.335
It really did.

00:24:52.335 --> 00:24:54.484
Like, my words were laced with poison.

00:24:54.545 --> 00:24:54.724
Yeah.

00:24:54.724 --> 00:24:55.625
You're really good at that.

00:24:55.924 --> 00:25:07.384
The thing was like, if I can just, it wasn't, I wasn't necessarily, after a heart change or I certainly should have been after a heart change, I was more willing to tolerate a behavior change.

00:25:08.460 --> 00:25:09.269
In that moment.

00:25:09.269 --> 00:25:10.910
Cause I'm like, I just need something tangible.

00:25:11.279 --> 00:25:11.920
So,

00:25:12.220 --> 00:25:16.039
So, because you couldn't see things happening, you were like, man, just give me a beat.

00:25:16.069 --> 00:25:17.839
I'll just settle for a behavior change.

00:25:18.079 --> 00:25:18.500
Right.

00:25:18.500 --> 00:25:23.750
And that so many of us fall into that trap where, we just settled, but God wants so much more.

00:25:23.894 --> 00:25:24.825
I wanted more.

00:25:24.825 --> 00:25:28.305
I just didn't realize, Hey, like if you settle for behaviors, short change yourself.

00:25:28.325 --> 00:25:34.835
Just like, what's that saying from Henry cloud that, you get what you tolerate and at the beginning you really tolerated a lot.

00:25:35.234 --> 00:25:39.214
And thank goodness we did wouldn't have had that grace or that mercy.

00:25:39.214 --> 00:25:40.664
We still probably wouldn't be here today,

00:25:41.154 --> 00:25:41.944
it's

00:25:41.944 --> 00:25:42.734
disrespectful.

00:25:42.755 --> 00:25:47.345
It belittles the, your spouse when you try and force them to change without looking at you

00:25:47.944 --> 00:25:48.654
and even.

00:25:49.799 --> 00:25:54.990
Even though your, your behaviors and your thoughts and your actions and words were disrespectful towards me.

00:25:55.019 --> 00:25:56.799
I'm so remind back towards

00:25:56.799 --> 00:25:57.059
yeah.

00:25:57.369 --> 00:25:58.920
Two wrongs don't make a rush straight.

00:25:58.920 --> 00:26:07.440
It is always a two way street, whether or not, I mean, you know, there are times where you're like, well, what was 95% my fault and then 5% hers.

00:26:07.440 --> 00:26:09.359
And I say it was.

00:26:09.795 --> 00:26:15.734
A hundred percent my fault and a hundred percent your fault, because whether we want to admit it or not both parties, it takes two to tango.

00:26:15.845 --> 00:26:18.484
Well, I was really only willing to take 95% of that.

00:26:18.545 --> 00:26:21.664
I don't remember sent, but, you know, thanks for changing the whole story.

00:26:21.994 --> 00:26:22.355
Right.

00:26:22.355 --> 00:26:33.724
But it's disrespectful for me to project all of my feelings about you onto you in order to just get a behavior modification.

00:26:34.744 --> 00:26:36.154
I wanted more.

00:26:37.259 --> 00:26:53.809
and then, and then to do it in that attitude without taking a hard, good look, you know, that saying where it's like, Oh, if you point at someone you've got three pink fingers pointing back at you, it's that whole, you know, take the plank out of your own eye before I attempt to take the speck out of yours.

00:26:54.619 --> 00:26:58.819
And you really have to model that when you're dealing with change.

00:27:00.015 --> 00:27:00.555
In a relationship

00:27:00.555 --> 00:27:01.845
in a relationship, right?

00:27:01.845 --> 00:27:04.484
Like you can't, it's not just the other person.

00:27:05.134 --> 00:27:05.884
That's really good.

00:27:06.545 --> 00:27:08.494
It creates an emotional distance.

00:27:08.585 --> 00:27:11.795
My pastor always says distance creates distortion.

00:27:12.974 --> 00:27:15.525
Personal growth is really fantastic.

00:27:15.825 --> 00:27:16.365
It has to be.

00:27:17.204 --> 00:27:26.234
And it, it focuses on your bad habits, your issues, your false thoughts you have about yourself and things that you can work on.

00:27:27.105 --> 00:27:29.355
Changing your behaviors and patterns for your spouse.

00:27:29.384 --> 00:27:31.035
Isn't always a bad thing.

00:27:31.065 --> 00:27:35.295
But the problem with that is, is if I'm changing for Natalie, I'm changing for her and not changing for me.

00:27:35.464 --> 00:27:36.005
That's right.

00:27:36.065 --> 00:27:36.694
And you want,

00:27:36.875 --> 00:27:37.924
you're short changing yourself.

00:27:38.005 --> 00:27:44.244
It w I want that distance that we had to be closer because I'm working on me.

00:27:44.244 --> 00:27:52.464
Not because I'm doing it for her, even though she may have tolerated a behavior change at the moment, she really wanted a heart transformation

00:27:52.974 --> 00:27:54.375
within myself and

00:27:54.375 --> 00:27:54.684
yeah.

00:27:54.714 --> 00:27:55.805
Right deep down.

00:27:55.805 --> 00:27:55.914
Okay.

00:27:56.045 --> 00:27:56.724
For you too.

00:27:57.325 --> 00:28:00.234
But it wasn't working with the methods I was trying.

00:28:00.265 --> 00:28:00.535
Yeah.

00:28:00.819 --> 00:28:03.009
And so I was at the end of my rope.

00:28:03.369 --> 00:28:10.059
And finally at that moment was the moment where I was in a position where I could listen.

00:28:10.950 --> 00:28:11.369
Right.

00:28:11.640 --> 00:28:21.630
And again, it comes down to the, if you constantly trying to change me and forcing me to behavioral change, it's because you're telling me I'm not good enough.

00:28:22.049 --> 00:28:24.690
And that that's what, that's what you're projecting onto me.

00:28:24.690 --> 00:28:25.470
You're not good enough.

00:28:26.009 --> 00:28:27.720
The next one is you wouldn't accept it.

00:28:28.259 --> 00:28:29.009
Heaven's now.

00:28:29.789 --> 00:28:30.930
So let's try this.

00:28:31.170 --> 00:28:32.430
Let's do a role reversal.

00:28:32.940 --> 00:28:37.289
How would you feel if your partner was constantly telling you that you need to

00:28:37.289 --> 00:28:37.740
change?

00:28:38.480 --> 00:28:39.380
I probably punch you in the

00:28:39.380 --> 00:28:42.109
face grade, in the grade and the nose.

00:28:42.589 --> 00:28:47.210
And I mean, part of our podcast is being real and raw and vulnerable.

00:28:47.750 --> 00:28:49.190
I would not put up.

00:28:50.279 --> 00:29:06.869
With anyone now I did put up with a lot, but, but I've never, if you, but I don't ever recall you being like, you're always nagging me, even though I probably was, you know, you just didn't respond.

00:29:07.130 --> 00:29:07.430
Right.

00:29:07.460 --> 00:29:07.759
Yep.

00:29:07.910 --> 00:29:08.269
Right.

00:29:08.539 --> 00:29:11.250
And so, so, you responded with everything I wanted to hear.

00:29:11.250 --> 00:29:13.140
There just was never anything beyond that.

00:29:13.200 --> 00:29:13.680
That's right,

00:29:13.920 --> 00:29:14.359
right.

00:29:14.730 --> 00:29:16.650
That's that's very, very true.

00:29:17.875 --> 00:29:23.835
Anyone else coming in and telling me, like, let me tell you what's wrong with you and this is wrong and that's wrong and you need to do this and you should have done that.

00:29:23.835 --> 00:29:25.224
And I

00:29:26.545 --> 00:29:27.384
probably haven't

00:29:27.714 --> 00:29:33.355
no, but I'm just saying like a role reversal, like, because we just don't do that with each other, but.

00:29:34.015 --> 00:29:39.565
If someone else did that, I, well, I'd have a good cry first and then I'd probably want to retaliate

00:29:40.605 --> 00:29:41.144
truthfully.

00:29:41.414 --> 00:29:43.065
And, and here's the truth.

00:29:43.095 --> 00:29:46.484
You can do everything you want to try and change your spells.

00:29:46.815 --> 00:29:48.555
You are never going to be satisfied.

00:29:48.615 --> 00:29:49.545
Nope, never.

00:29:49.605 --> 00:29:51.315
You will do everything.

00:29:51.315 --> 00:29:53.355
You're going to leave them feeling that they're not worthy.

00:29:53.565 --> 00:29:58.299
They're unlovely that then you're going to be emotionally drained and emotionally.

00:29:58.539 --> 00:29:59.289
Exhausted.

00:29:59.319 --> 00:30:00.789
If you keep trying to change them.

00:30:01.119 --> 00:30:09.910
And you're never, even if they do change, you're never going to be satisfied with the amount that they change because you set the bar for them instead of letting them set the bar for them.

00:30:10.410 --> 00:30:11.460
So let me ask you this.

00:30:11.609 --> 00:30:14.400
Is it a partnership or is it a project?

00:30:15.000 --> 00:30:15.329
Yeah.

00:30:15.390 --> 00:30:16.140
Did you marry me?

00:30:16.140 --> 00:30:16.680
Cause you won.

00:30:16.740 --> 00:30:17.099
I was a

00:30:17.099 --> 00:30:17.670
project, right?

00:30:17.700 --> 00:30:20.279
I can fix you or vice versa.

00:30:20.309 --> 00:30:20.400
Okay.

00:30:20.460 --> 00:30:23.279
If that's the case and you married for a project.

00:30:24.144 --> 00:30:31.545
Well, that's not a, that's not a reason to get married, but if you find yourself in that position again, like counselors are there for a reason.

00:30:32.799 --> 00:30:33.400
Absolutely.

00:30:33.400 --> 00:30:38.019
And there's, you can, it's like, like a prearranged marriage, attitude, I guess.

00:30:38.019 --> 00:30:38.890
Like you're marrying someone.

00:30:38.890 --> 00:30:40.359
You don't really know you're writing them for a reason.

00:30:40.359 --> 00:30:43.029
Cause someone told you, you had to, you think this is a project that's get

00:30:43.029 --> 00:30:44.700
married or you had sex before marriage.

00:30:44.700 --> 00:30:46.079
And then now you feel like you have to

00:30:46.109 --> 00:30:46.349
yeah, yeah.

00:30:46.380 --> 00:30:47.970
Or they got pregnant or anything like that.

00:30:48.210 --> 00:30:50.579
Now you feel like you're obligated to be with that person.

00:30:50.579 --> 00:30:54.299
Or they're a project that's not necessarily the way you want to go.

00:30:54.299 --> 00:30:56.880
But if you did find yourself in that position, you can love them.

00:30:57.059 --> 00:30:58.200
Like you can, Oh

00:30:58.500 --> 00:30:58.769
God.

00:30:59.335 --> 00:31:00.954
Your whole situation could change.

00:31:01.434 --> 00:31:04.464
Your whole situation can change in a moment.

00:31:05.035 --> 00:31:05.964
It really can.

00:31:06.305 --> 00:31:08.134
it just might require a little more work.

00:31:08.424 --> 00:31:08.724
Yeah.

00:31:08.815 --> 00:31:11.005
And in all of this, let's be honest.

00:31:11.045 --> 00:31:14.944
we have had to have some really difficult conversations.

00:31:15.005 --> 00:31:21.684
And so today we just want to leave you with a few tips or tricks or strategies for, difficult conversations.

00:31:22.194 --> 00:31:26.664
So the first one is agreed to set a timeframe to reevaluate how things are going.

00:31:27.365 --> 00:31:29.884
So you've already had a crucial conversation, right?

00:31:29.884 --> 00:31:30.994
You've already talked about it.

00:31:31.355 --> 00:31:36.095
You said, Hey, we got to work on a few things, set a time up to just reevaluate how those things are going.

00:31:36.384 --> 00:31:36.924
That's right.

00:31:36.954 --> 00:31:42.625
One of the things that my counselor had told me was don't engage in a word salad.

00:31:43.164 --> 00:31:44.275
What does that even mean?

00:31:45.234 --> 00:31:54.444
I think it was one of the most incredible pieces of advice that she gave me whenever there's conflict of any sort.

00:31:55.204 --> 00:32:13.115
There's a lot of feelings that come into play when I'm discussing conflict, you have to be able to separate the emotions so that I don't end up blaming or being like, well, you made me feel like this and you, blah, blah, blah.

00:32:13.474 --> 00:32:13.865
Right?

00:32:13.894 --> 00:32:21.035
So you, you step outside of the emotional, Situation and stick with the facts.

00:32:21.184 --> 00:32:21.545
Right?

00:32:21.875 --> 00:32:30.785
So that conversation could look like, let's say you're yelling at me, because of whatever,

00:32:31.714 --> 00:32:32.825
as early as yesterday.

00:32:33.335 --> 00:32:36.515
Well, one now I have boundaries, right?

00:32:36.724 --> 00:32:41.224
And so it's unacceptable for anyone to yell at me.

00:32:42.454 --> 00:32:54.724
And so it sounds really juvenile, but if I approach and be like, you make me, so I'm yelling back at you now because you made me feel like this and that and the other, well, that doesn't justify my reason.

00:32:54.755 --> 00:32:56.285
It's not okay to yell at anybody.

00:32:56.375 --> 00:32:56.644
Yeah.

00:32:57.065 --> 00:32:57.394
Right.

00:32:57.394 --> 00:33:00.545
So coming at it from a place of, I hear what you're saying.

00:33:01.744 --> 00:33:04.325
I can hear that your upset.

00:33:04.984 --> 00:33:05.255
Yeah.

00:33:07.789 --> 00:33:22.329
But if we're not able to sit and have a conversation without yelling, then we're going to have to take a moment, breathe, go grab a coffee or whatever, and come back and reevaluate then.

00:33:22.630 --> 00:33:22.750
Right.

00:33:23.259 --> 00:33:24.970
And so it might seem really.

00:33:26.000 --> 00:33:26.630
Stupid.

00:33:27.440 --> 00:33:33.950
So like, was it agreed to set a timeframe to reevaluate how, how it's going be warm and not confrontational?

00:33:34.099 --> 00:33:38.480
And when you apologize, don't say, I'm sorry, but you just say, I'm sorry.

00:33:38.920 --> 00:33:39.490
End of story.

00:33:39.759 --> 00:33:41.230
I'm sorry for

00:33:42.099 --> 00:33:42.579
this

00:33:42.640 --> 00:33:43.900
X, Y, and Z,

00:33:44.170 --> 00:33:50.109
you take responsibility for your actions, not what the person said to you that forced you to behave in a poor manner.

00:33:50.559 --> 00:33:53.230
You are in control of your anger, your in control of your feelings.

00:33:54.829 --> 00:33:56.779
Answer turns away wrath.

00:33:56.809 --> 00:34:01.640
And so, or a soft answer turns it turns away wrath and it's so true.

00:34:01.730 --> 00:34:02.000
Yeah.

00:34:02.450 --> 00:34:20.019
I find with you and I communicating if I am in a calm place within myself, regardless if I think that I'm right or not, I find the conversation goes a lot further than it would if I just hopped on the jump down your throat bandwagon.

00:34:21.454 --> 00:34:26.704
Be willing to discuss the issues, be teachable, be willing and able to discuss those issues.

00:34:26.704 --> 00:34:31.264
Don't, don't be embarrassed to say that you may need to go to a marriage

00:34:31.264 --> 00:34:31.715
counselor.

00:34:32.494 --> 00:34:40.594
Don't discuss when you're tired, be fresh and alert when you're, when you're going to have this heart to heart.

00:34:40.625 --> 00:34:41.465
That's super important.

00:34:41.465 --> 00:34:42.755
I know I have a friend of mine.

00:34:43.864 --> 00:34:46.264
Him and his wife won't have any tough discussions after eight o'clock.

00:34:46.264 --> 00:34:49.034
Cause he's like by then I'm tired and really good.

00:34:49.284 --> 00:34:49.644
Yeah.

00:34:49.675 --> 00:34:50.664
Inhibitions are down.

00:34:50.664 --> 00:34:51.355
Cause I'm tired.

00:34:51.804 --> 00:34:53.485
I'm anger angry quickly.

00:34:53.485 --> 00:34:55.405
I don't have the emotional capacity to deal with it.

00:34:55.675 --> 00:34:56.034
So yeah.

00:34:56.449 --> 00:35:02.599
Don't discuss when you're tired, refreshed another clarify how the problem is impacting your relationship.

00:35:02.750 --> 00:35:04.039
How is it impacting your marriage

00:35:04.070 --> 00:35:05.119
in clear words,

00:35:05.179 --> 00:35:10.190
in clear words, don't lecture and project your issues on the other person.

00:35:10.219 --> 00:35:11.269
You take responsibility.

00:35:11.269 --> 00:35:12.710
So don't lecture and project

00:35:13.030 --> 00:35:13.449
that's right.

00:35:13.449 --> 00:35:17.170
Don't Gaslight don't twist the conversation so that.

00:35:17.514 --> 00:35:19.525
It makes you look good.

00:35:19.525 --> 00:35:21.324
It makes you look like the victim.

00:35:21.684 --> 00:35:26.425
It makes you, then not have to take responsibility for your actions.

00:35:26.425 --> 00:35:27.954
Cause you have put it on someone else.

00:35:27.985 --> 00:35:28.135
Yeah.

00:35:28.494 --> 00:35:29.664
Don't be a narcissist.

00:35:30.054 --> 00:35:31.224
Take accountability.

00:35:31.465 --> 00:35:33.295
Be responsible for your part.

00:35:33.655 --> 00:35:34.824
Identify the problem.

00:35:35.420 --> 00:35:37.670
Whatever it is, identify it and work on it.

00:35:38.239 --> 00:35:41.539
Pick a location for the conversation that is free of distractions.

00:35:41.570 --> 00:35:42.920
Here's the number one tip.

00:35:43.190 --> 00:35:45.769
Put your phone away, put it on vibrate.

00:35:45.769 --> 00:35:46.670
Put it off to the side.

00:35:46.670 --> 00:35:48.679
Natalie will just say to me, Hey, I need your attention.

00:35:48.739 --> 00:35:49.699
Put your phone on mute.

00:35:49.730 --> 00:35:50.000
Okay.

00:35:50.059 --> 00:35:50.389
Done.

00:35:50.989 --> 00:35:52.400
Stay on the topic.

00:35:52.519 --> 00:35:53.840
This is really

00:35:53.840 --> 00:35:54.019
easy.

00:35:54.340 --> 00:35:55.389
Just that word, salad,

00:35:55.420 --> 00:35:56.019
word salad.

00:35:56.050 --> 00:36:01.179
This is it really easy for you ladies in particular, maybe some guys there's probably some guys out there.

00:36:01.619 --> 00:36:05.460
To pick on all of the things that you've done in the past that have offended.

00:36:05.460 --> 00:36:07.820
You made you mad, the reason you had an argument.

00:36:07.909 --> 00:36:14.449
I don't remember a lot of those things now, Natalie does, but she's learned that, Hey, we're not talking about what happened a month ago.

00:36:14.449 --> 00:36:16.429
We're talking about the issue right now.

00:36:16.429 --> 00:36:20.539
Stay on the topic, pick the topic cause you identify what it was, stay on it.

00:36:21.119 --> 00:36:23.719
Next one is talk about what you want in your relationship.

00:36:23.750 --> 00:36:24.679
Not about what you don't

00:36:24.679 --> 00:36:24.800
want.

00:36:25.324 --> 00:36:25.985
That's right.

00:36:26.014 --> 00:36:29.525
It's it's like, what are you for as opposed to, what are you against?

00:36:29.554 --> 00:36:31.144
What are you for in this relationship?

00:36:31.175 --> 00:36:32.764
Are you for each other, right?

00:36:33.125 --> 00:36:34.054
Are you for misery

00:36:34.855 --> 00:36:35.335
to work?

00:36:35.335 --> 00:36:42.925
Like when we signed up, when we signed the marriage certificate, what, what did that mean?

00:36:42.925 --> 00:36:44.094
Like, it meant something.

00:36:44.125 --> 00:36:44.364
Yeah.

00:36:44.905 --> 00:36:45.264
Right.

00:36:45.264 --> 00:36:48.744
So, what do we want, we want to be.

00:36:49.639 --> 00:36:50.690
Good role models.

00:36:50.719 --> 00:36:56.780
We want to thrive in marriage, not just survive it.

00:36:57.289 --> 00:36:57.590
Right.

00:36:57.590 --> 00:37:04.280
We want to, we want our kids to look at our marriage and that be the catalyst for them wanting to get married.

00:37:04.309 --> 00:37:04.610
Right.

00:37:04.909 --> 00:37:05.210
Right.

00:37:05.239 --> 00:37:07.250
I mean, our kids see marriage is not easy.

00:37:07.849 --> 00:37:11.210
We disagree, but they see us work through that disagreement.

00:37:12.030 --> 00:37:13.469
sometimes we get it right sometimes.

00:37:13.789 --> 00:37:14.239
That's right.

00:37:15.050 --> 00:37:16.760
And, I'll let you read this next one.

00:37:17.150 --> 00:37:22.360
I just thought that this was a great dialogue, in dealing with issues.

00:37:22.420 --> 00:37:25.800
So you could say we disagree a lot.

00:37:26.300 --> 00:37:28.309
And it's causing a disconnection between us

00:37:28.429 --> 00:37:29.869
and, and tone

00:37:30.590 --> 00:37:31.969
and how you

00:37:31.969 --> 00:37:39.860
approach this is not like we just agree on everything and it's causing a disconnection, like cleanse through clenched teeth angrily.

00:37:40.599 --> 00:37:47.289
I have to, I always say Jesus, my face because every myriad of emotion goes across my face.

00:37:47.590 --> 00:37:49.659
My eyes are super expressive.

00:37:49.690 --> 00:37:53.880
And so I have to, in order to have neutral face it, I really need.

00:37:54.090 --> 00:37:59.880
To tap into the power of the Holy spirit, because in my own flesh, it's not going to happen.

00:37:59.940 --> 00:38:00.210
Right.

00:38:00.360 --> 00:38:00.630
All right.

00:38:00.630 --> 00:38:03.449
So we disagree a lot and it's causing a disconnection between us.

00:38:03.809 --> 00:38:05.789
That's why I would like for us.

00:38:05.909 --> 00:38:08.730
So in this case, they're going to seek out some couples therapy.

00:38:09.119 --> 00:38:14.190
I love you, and I care about us, but I need help in learning how to communicate with you better.

00:38:14.909 --> 00:38:16.739
I would love to try counseling with you.

00:38:17.389 --> 00:38:19.130
That's a really low key.

00:38:19.760 --> 00:38:23.280
Nonhostile not aggressive way of saying, look, I love you.

00:38:23.360 --> 00:38:24.289
I want to be with you.

00:38:24.289 --> 00:38:25.309
I want this to work.

00:38:25.340 --> 00:38:25.699
How can we,

00:38:25.989 --> 00:38:30.820
you're not saying this is what I can't stand about you and now want to go to counseling.

00:38:31.719 --> 00:38:31.989
Right?

00:38:32.019 --> 00:38:41.710
That's not going to have the desired effect because you know, there's a fear that, that comes with going to counseling, where it's going to be like you with the issue and the counselor.

00:38:42.275 --> 00:38:46.655
Banding together and forming an Alliance to pick on the spouse rate.

00:38:46.655 --> 00:38:50.014
And I hope to God that your counselor isn't doing that.

00:38:50.074 --> 00:38:50.375
Right.

00:38:50.644 --> 00:38:51.065
right.

00:38:51.065 --> 00:38:56.375
Because they should be able to be objective and call you both out on the things that you need.

00:38:56.875 --> 00:38:57.235
Yeah.

00:38:57.744 --> 00:39:00.505
This has been a really great conversation.

00:39:00.655 --> 00:39:02.244
Did, is there anything else you want to add?

00:39:04.375 --> 00:39:06.144
Not that I can think of at the moment.

00:39:07.519 --> 00:39:08.239
Fantastic.

00:39:08.800 --> 00:39:12.730
Another story I probably could go on and on and on, but you're asking me on the spot.

00:39:13.360 --> 00:39:15.849
How, how jerk face I was when we were early married

00:39:16.380 --> 00:39:16.960
both of us.

00:39:17.949 --> 00:39:23.469
Well, this has been a really great conversation that we've had been eyeopening.

00:39:23.469 --> 00:39:29.530
If we're gonna leave these strategies in our show notes, so you can get them in the transcript.

00:39:30.130 --> 00:39:30.519
If

00:39:31.019 --> 00:39:31.289
you

00:39:32.369 --> 00:39:33.130
to have something

00:39:33.130 --> 00:39:35.079
you want to say, and I will not say.

00:39:35.510 --> 00:39:44.050
who ask the question, but this was a question that was, brought to our attention of what do you do when one spouse wants to change, but the other one doesn't.

00:39:44.409 --> 00:39:47.139
So thank you for that question.

00:39:47.679 --> 00:39:51.820
because it really gave us, I mean, this podcast came out of that question.

00:39:51.820 --> 00:39:55.059
So if you have any other questions, please send them our way.

00:39:55.579 --> 00:40:05.329
And if you like our podcast and we know that you do share it and means a lot to us when you share it and let people know about amplified marriage, you can follow us on Instagram and Facebook.

00:40:05.750 --> 00:40:15.039
If you do want to just comment or something you do I disagree with, or you really agree with, I have a question or a topic that you would love to hear our thoughts on.

00:40:15.099 --> 00:40:19.329
You can email us@amplifiedmarriageatgmail.com.

00:40:19.570 --> 00:40:24.219
As you've heard us say before, if we believe that your marriage can be reset.

00:40:24.650 --> 00:40:26.719
Refreshed charged and restored.

00:40:26.869 --> 00:40:27.829
Thank you so much for listening.

00:40:27.920 --> 00:40:28.610
Talk to you soon.