Season 2 Ep. 4 // Are you an aggressive communicator?? (Communicate Series - Part 4)

Amp Mar - Aggressive Communication-1

Welcome to another episode of Amplified Marriage. Today is season two, episode four. We are cotinuing oin our Communiication series.

[00:00:31] Welcome to another episode of Amplified Marriage. I'm Natalie and I'm Bryan, wherever you are, whatever you're doing. As you've heard us say before, grab a coffee, grab a tea and knack and turn on those Christmas lights. Get comfy and cozy. So glad you joined us today. We appreciate when you chime in, when you leave us emails, all of those things, we appreciate you connecting with us.

[00:00:51] So in case you missed last week's podcast, we talked about a passive aggressive communicator and, and all of the pitfalls and some of the ways you can maybe step out of being a passive. Aggressive communicator. If you that's who you see yourself are, or you identify with those things, I just go into the show notes.

[00:01:10] You'll see. And just listen to the podcast. They'll give you some really great tips on how to, maybe work your way out of that. How to start communicating a little bit differently. You know, it was that. The the, when they said, when they went to the moon and three small steps to all that, whatever, the jazz that they said, it is very much like that when you're married and you're having to work through a communication problems, if you know, only one way to communicate.

[00:01:33] And that's just the way that you communicate. Right. You know what you know, you know what you know? And so, there's the, the, the thing that we always say is you don't know what you don't know today. We want to help you a little bit more. And know a little bit more and be a better communicator. So on that note, we are talking about the aggressive communicator.

[00:01:51] That's right. I am a recovering aggressive communicator. I say recovering and I say recovering. And there is there's occasionally parts of me that are still that aggressive communicator. Right. That's fair. I would agree. And I think that there's still times where I want, or I see myself. Easily, like being able to fall back into the passive and sometimes even the passive aggressive.

[00:02:19] Right. Cause I don't think you're just one style. I think that in that unhealthy style, you absolutely can revert to the other unhealthy styles. Do you know what I mean? Like there are times where I was yes, totally operating in passive. And there were times where I tried to change the outcome and then.

[00:02:39] Went into passive aggressive. Yeah, absolutely. So the definition of an aggressive communicator is a style in which individuals express their feelings and opinions and advocate for their needs in a way that violates the rights of others, the aggressive communications or verbally, or physically abusive, the core beliefs that they have is that they matter more.

[00:03:01] And they're more valuable and you don't matter at all or they won't, maybe they won't say that to your face, but their actions. Yeah. So, from my experience, as being an aggressive communicator, I communicate, when did, I'm just going to jump in, when did. You first recognize that that was how you communicated?

[00:03:27] Like it, was it something I said, or was it something you read? It was just, it was literally a mixture of all of the above, you know, like. You have people in your life that at some point are just going to tell you, like, dude, what are you doing? Like, that's the worst way to communicate? Like how, how do you talk to your wife like that?

[00:03:44] Like I know Greg was like, Bryan, you can't say that you can't talk like that. Right. And then my buddy Greg, or my pastor or someone that was around me or one of my, like, you can't say those things to people and. I don't like even reading some of the deep, dark things about the aggressive communicator.

[00:03:59] I know for a fact that I wasn't, like a really hardcore to the core type of aggressive communicator. I flip flopped back between the two. Right. Even as we were kind of mentally preparing these things, I don't think it was, you were never physically abusive ever. No, and I don't think that. It wasn't just one thing.

[00:04:18] It was a series of things in me, changing my perspective, I think, and being like, Hey, I'm willing to. To change. Cause I want my wife to not feel this way when I talk to her or my kids. If I look back to how hard I was on my kids, because I wasn't aggressive communicated or in some areas, I was pretty hard on my kids when they were young.

[00:04:37]and you know, I say this before, I've had to apologize to my kids for bad behavior. Right. And just say, say things like that. But, kids bumped back and they still love you and they still care for you. But you know, wives. The ones that I was, you know, she still remembers those times of when I wasn't aggressive communicator.

[00:04:54] And so there is a tendency because that's my type of personality to revert back to that. If I'm under stress stress, but like at this point in my life, I can take a lot of stress and it takes me a lot to really get to that place where I've lost it, or, yeah. So where would you say that that comes out of, okay.

[00:05:13] It comes out of a place of fear for me. It came out of a place of fear. It comes from a place where you don't want to be vulnerable. and because you, in the past, for many years, I viewed vulnerability as a sign of weakness and I didn't want to appear weak. And that's also the eight on the Enneagram stairs.

[00:05:33] Challenging is, doesn't want to be, what do they say? What the, the, the aid is? They don't want to be controlled, but they don't need to always be in control. They just don't want to be controlled. Yeah. If I was to show weakness in the past. And sometimes even now I wrestle with this, like just where's that authenticity.

[00:05:48] Where's the genuine part. Part of who I am. I would say that I don't want to appear vulnerable, but that's just part of being a good leader is you have to be authentic and real, and it's also being a part of a good husband. I don't have the same feelings Natalie does on the same grand scale that she does.

[00:06:05] We're right. Would you say pride? Oh, yeah, because there's, there's always a sense of pride in everything that a man does. Right. Always, no matter what, it's probably the same thing for women, I would assume I would think so. I think it just shows up differently. Cause like, I think back to times where we've communicated now, granted, I was communicating in that passive style then.

[00:06:29] Yeah. And so it's like two unhealthy styles trying to communicate. Right. Like, it's like a negative, right? It's an unhealthy and an unhealthy, expecting a positive. Right, right. It doesn't work like that. So I think that I often came across to you where it really put you, I didn't allow you to be vulnerable because if you were vulnerable, I'd use it against you.

[00:06:52] Do you know what I mean? And so if I came to you, you just had your walls and your hackles up always because you're like, you're not going to tell me. What I'm going to do, I'm going to tell myself what I'm going to do. Do you know what I mean? It always came. It always came across like that, that just me even approaching you, like not even asking you to do anything, you had that defense mechanism.

[00:07:18] And it definitely was a sense of pride that who are you to tell me what to do? Right. And th that, that, that what you're pointing out to me is a problem. And that's a weakness, right? To you pointing that out to me as a weakness and so aggressive communicators. And I can say, as, even as we're going to go through some of these things is you try and dominate others.

[00:07:37] I can say that I've tried to do that just by being bigger or like I'm a big personality. I know that, you know, that others know that I'm healthy in my, and how I approach it, but it used to be that it was mine where the highway, and sometimes I'm still my way or the highway. But that's, I will try and dominate or I've never really used, like humiliation.

[00:07:55] No, no, I can, I can honestly say you have never said or done anything. Cause remember I forget which one it was in our series where we're like, we could put it on. So if we were at a party or we were out with friends or just in the general public, I mean, we could, we were like the model couple, right? In front of everybody else.

[00:08:18] So there was no way that I would do anything to humiliate you because then that would draw attention to we've got issues. Do you know what I mean? And you never did either. So we could beat, we could be lovey-dovey and we could be newlyweds and it just made it up in front of other people. so yeah, for that one, but.

[00:08:39] That's your, that's my experience with you. That's not to say that other aggressive. Yeah, it doesn't use humiliation to control someone. I definitely used, to criticize and blame others for my, my shortcomings. Or you pull it pointed out that vulnerability. I would definitely use that. I, I think I was impulsive, very impulsive.

[00:08:59] I'm still impulsive, but it's more of a calculated, I call it strong. Decision-making. Right. And there's times where I can, well, there's times where I'm super indecisive. Okay. So I'm going to tell you a story who all of our listeners going to Tim Horton's that has had the same thing on their order for, or on their menu.

[00:09:19] For as long as we've been together, can still be a challenge with her because he's like, I want a double double, then she sees. The menu. It's like, she's like, well, what if I want to try this? Or maybe I want to try this, you know, you're going back to the double-double there's there's no wavering. Bite the bullet and just get one of everything I'm thinking I might want.

[00:09:40] Cause at some point in the dam, I want it. I have the whole menu please. So my wife can be less decisive or so she can be more decisive. So, I was, I am very impulsive in the fact that, I make decisions quickly and it used to be impulsive. Hey, let's just, I would say things or do things that were just spend money and Oh boy, you know, that was a bad one.

[00:09:59] We don't need to talk about in public. Right. My money spending was very impulsive. I want that thing. And so I would go and do it. We could afford it or not, which cost, which caused a whole nother level of stress. Oh man. Added, added all kinds of frustration on there. Yep. Low frustration tolerance you had.

[00:10:16] And, and to a point now, I think you've rained or honed your temperament in maybe. And so while you still have sort of like a low tolerance for. Certain thing don't lie to me. If you ever lie or are hypocritical, I really struggle with those. But as a whole of communicating, I feel like you're not as bullheaded.

[00:10:41] Thank goodness. Cause it caused so many problems because you wouldn't even even have, like, if you have children, If you have children, they're frustrating. They're immediate. They're, they're so frustrating. You have to like figure out your, your tolerance level for where is going to be, because the moment they wake up, sometimes when you're, when I was the way I was even now, like sometimes you're just like, I'm tired.

[00:11:03] I didn't wake up. Well, I got a headache, whatever it is. You're just frustrated life is sometimes just frustrating, especially when you have small, small children, right. Sometimes you would speak in a loud demanding and overbearing voice. That was my pretty much my norm. That's right. And so when we would have conflict of any sort, you would elevate, and then it's one thing for you because you are passionate about like you're loud.

[00:11:29] Your loud voice comes through and you're passionate about something. So when you're preaching and things like that, or you're talking with people and you're super passionate about what you do, that's not the same kind of, not, not the same. Are you saying when I try and say dominate a situation, or I feel like I've been under attack that's you're talking about that.

[00:11:48] Like, I get more loud demanding and like, I'm like, my way is the right way. And then, I just thought of this situation, I think I'm pretty sure you mentioned it in one of the podcasts where, you had to apologize to our oldest because you just kind of bulldozed over him in that one thing. And it was that time where the other two were crying on the couch.

[00:12:07] Oh yeah. That was honestly, that was three weeks ago. Oh no, that was longer than that. In that whole thing where I was bringing it up that, Hey, I think it was a little harsh. You got really loud. Yeah. Do you remember that louder? And I think again, it was because I knew I was tired and I knew I was wrong. I, there was no even way for me to salvage my rightness on this because I just, there was no rightness.

[00:12:34] There was this wrongness. I remember that. oftentimes people that are aggressive will also act rudely or threateningly. I don't know that I was very threatening, but, well, I guess you could appear to someone else looking in. I was never. Threatened threatened by you at all. I know that you tried to like.

[00:12:53] I'm the man, right? Like, but that doesn't, that didn't work for me. So, the, they don't listen. Well, that is common. they're interrupt frequently. well even, even going back to the internet frequently, Oftentimes an aggressive personality listens with the intent to reply, not with the intent to understand that's all right.

[00:13:11] Say that again. Cause that's really key. Cater is aggressive and communicators. Maybe even more than others. Listen with the intent to reply, not with the intent to understand. That's right. That's a common saying, we said when I was in sales is that you need to listen to hear what the customer wants are, and then when we teach, and when we coach couples like, listen to what you're supposed to say, like there there's something that they're saying that's very important right here.

[00:13:34] Right. And so you just have to do it. And there was a lot of use. You did this, you did that. Why. I responded the way that I did, because if you hadn't done it like that, or you hadn't approached me like that, then I, I wouldn't have flown off the handle or I wouldn't like you fill in the blanks with whatever comes to your mind.

[00:13:54] But a lot of there's never like. Hey, I see that I responded that way and I get how I came across there. There's none of there's. No, self-reflect right. Yeah. Yeah. And so the, they have an overbearing or intimidating posture whenever I would get, threatened in my vulnerability or weakness, I would get into that position.

[00:14:13] You were thinking you were starting your September, that story when, we were newlyweds and you wanted to move to Alberta. I think we, we both knew we wanted to move to Alberta. We want to bring that up to you. And you wanted to go to Edmonton and I wanted to go to red deer and you puffed, like, if you could imagine a peacock, wow.

[00:14:35] Like, wow, people just need a visual because I'm visual. So. A peacock who, whose feathers are gonna get ruffled. He puffs himself up to appear bigger than he is bigger than he is or more beautiful. I don't know what his thought process is, but he fluffs himself up. And so I remember, I remember you coming at me all big and macho.

[00:14:55] Do you remember that? Oh yeah. And you laughed. I laughed now. I don't recommend that. To any of you, like I'm laughing now. This is awful. Let me just get it out. Okay. So one of the reasons why I laughed was because first off I had never, ever seen you do that. And. To me. It was so far out of your normal character that it was comical.

[00:15:27] I, again, you know, thank goodness you weren't physically violent because I could understand how one could snap then if someone was laughing at you in that moment. Wow. So I'm grateful that you didn't, but. I met you in the hallway and I'm like, Oh, you're going to do that. Right. Bring it on now I'm five foot one and you're five, nine.

[00:15:50] So there's a huge height difference between you and I. Right. So, That's definitely one. Yeah. You just want it up here bigger than you are. The pattern of an aggressive communication is that these individuals, like people who are aggressive in their communication become alienated from others. No one wants to be around them because they're just so aggressive all the time.

[00:16:10]they alienate others. They alienate themselves from others. They generate here, fear and hatred and others because they're just so well, no one wants to approach. And the thing is, is I had a pleasant personality when I wanted to, but I was miserable. I was grouchy and it was mostly directed at you.

[00:16:26] Other people thought I was a superstar, but you didn't, you knew the truth. I did. I think you're a superstar now, two things, right? Always blaming others instead of owning their issues. This is huge across the board. As a matter what communication style you are on your issues, your issues don't justify your behavior for something your partner said, or did you are responsible for that's right.

[00:16:49] The aggressive communicators will say things like, and believe, or they'll say, we'll say or believe or behave like I'm superior and I'm right. Yeah. I've never actually vocalized that. No, I may not say it, but their behavior will show like you're inferior and that you're wrong. I'm loud. I'm bossy and pushy.

[00:17:07] Right. I can dominate and intimidate you. They actually believe that because of the style that they like and people will back down. So that just feeds their need to just be bigger. I can violate your rights. I'll get my way no matter what, you're not worth anything. Ooh, that's a hard one, right?

[00:17:23] You're not like you identify with that. Do I, yeah, I don't think like thinking back, I think, I think I have to get to a certain, I had to, not now, like, you know, the, Lord's not a lot of work in my heart and really repaired some, some wounds I've had and I've healed over the years and I've talked things through and we've really talked some things through, but there to, to say someone, I think it was more like I wasn't well, and the way I treated you sure did not give you much hope that Oh yeah.

[00:17:52] He really values me. An unappreciated and undervalued. Right. I appreciate it. And I don't think that I ever felt that someone didn't have value. I just think that, or that they're not worth anything. I think just like your opinion means nothing to me, to me that was like, I no longer care about your opinion.

[00:18:09] You are. That means nothing to me. So you're not worth anything. It's all your fault. And sometimes I would react instantly. I'm entitled. Back to not owning your part. Yeah. Right, right. The way someone, again, what someone else says to you, your wife, your partner, your girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever it is when they say something to you and you say something like, well, I reacted instantly.

[00:18:32] That's your choice. You are in control of your emotions. You're in control of your feelings. You can control that said I'm entitled. Or you owe me, or I own you. And a lot of these, some of these things like the, I own you, isn't something that maybe, unless you're really, really super unhealthy, like you're already in an abusive relationship, you can look at someone else and say, I own you.

[00:18:54] But a lot of times it's the attitude that you're carrying that says, Hey, I own you. Or you'll never get better than this. Yeah. Which I think is a trap that keeps a lot of people in that cycle. you've heard us mentioned before Danny silk and his book, keep your love on, I love how he talks about an aggressive communicator.

[00:19:15] He says, or he likes likens them to a T-Rex. he says that usually an aggressive communicator will end. Up in a relationship with a passive one, which in our case is exactly that right. And one things like how on earth does that man? Like, how does that happen when other like almost polar opposites? And he says the aggressive one matters.

[00:19:43] Well, they agree on something, the aggressive one matters and the passive one believes they don't. Right. So both are motivated by fear and selfish selfishness, and both are powerless. I thought that was so fascinating, because you, when you read about the unhealth of as like, who would want to be with any one of them, right.

[00:20:03] And even when you're in the middle of it, you feel helpless. And the fact that I want you to change and I feel powerless to change you because I'm the controlling one. I'm trying to control you. You want me to change because you want the relationship to be better, but I'm not changing my behaviors and changing the way I talked to you.

[00:20:19] It wasn't changing. So it, it just, it never gets anywhere. Any, any better, you know, really guys like if you think about this, the aggressive test, they're all destructive, passive, communicators, aggressive communicators, they're all destructive in their own way. Right. Right. And so, but being an aggressive communication style, it really hurts people's feelings a lot more and has, can destroy relationships a lot differently than the other two possibly can.

[00:20:46] That's right. I just wanted to say also, like, just as a comparison, Danny silk says, if we can line up a communication food chain. So he says the aggressive communicator would be at the top and the passive communicator would be the one cowering at the bottom. And he says, the craziest thing happens where they end up together.

[00:21:09] Right. And the aggressive communicator will get what he needs by taking it. And the passive communicator will get what she needs by giving away body parts, essentially. Right? In the end, the passive communicator will no longer exist and the aggressive communicator will still. So how I heard that is that the aggressive.

[00:21:31] Communicator like my style of communication back when I was unhealthy is never sated, always needs more to feel like he's in control. He's the most dominant. He's the biggest, you know, the biggest line in there. And the passive one usually is the one that shuts down cowers. I will just batter you. Yeah.

[00:21:48] The, a communicator until you finally just cave and you are no more like your personality is gone, who you are is gone. You're like an emotional court. You're just a shell. Right. And that's so, I mean, when you, when you read about it and you have that visual, it's, it's quite sad. Yeah, absolutely. All of these destructive ones are sad in their own way.

[00:22:10] So. If you're hearing this and you're like, man, I just, I don't want, like, this is me. And you're like, man, you guys are hitting home. Or, you know, someone you're supposes your partner is, and you're like, this is hitting home. There's a, you can change. I can change. I changed things, changed men. I sought help.

[00:22:28] I went and I surrounded myself by people that want it to succeed in their relationship. And they helped me succeed in mine. Right. So it's being again surrounded by the right people, but you can change and you can be better. And it starts with a few questions and, some of those questions are, am I putting my spouse down when I'm talking in an aggressive manner is the way I, the tone, like, don't worry.

[00:22:51] Don't just think about the words. Think of what the tone is. The tone, the words, putting that person down. That's good. Am I actually able to listen to when my spouse is talking? Right. Cause there's listening and there's hearing. Yeah. I mean, you know, there's the flow or there's actually listening. Right. As the, when Natalie is talking to me, I'm looking with the intent to understand what she's saying, to hear what she's saying, to be a part of what she's saying to me, not just.

[00:23:20] Not just responding for the sake of responding, right? Like, Oh no. I'm, I'm w I'm working up my next part to the case, as opposed to understanding what she's saying. I think eye contact is huge. Yeah. If you're, if you're in the middle of doing something or you're like clicking email, obviously your, your mind is focused on that.

[00:23:37] But as we're communicating, just making sure that you're making eye contact with your spouse, right? Like, I want to know that your, that, that how. I have your full attention. Is that the right way of saying it? Yeah. when I'm talking to you. Yeah. So I love now after being married for a long time, you're like, Hey, put your phone down.

[00:23:56] I want to talk about something. Okay. So my phone was down, face down, do not disturb. We're going to have a chat. I think the next one is, can I take criticism, right? That was a hard one for you for a long time, because I think you. You likened criticism to you as a failure, as a human. Yeah. When someone would criticize me, but this is even before the last four or five years.

[00:24:18] Yeah. Cause I have a really good boss that is willing to challenge me really good wife. That's willing to challenge me really good friends that are willing to challenge me. And I say challenge because when you get criticized, it's a challenge for you to make quick healthy decisions in that moment when someone, so they challenged me in a good way.

[00:24:33] So yeah. You're putting yourself in a position to be doing that. But I had to change my perspective from one of. what they're saying and doing is meant to hurt me. And, how can I, how do I respond in this? Because anger is fine. You can be angry. It's what you do with the anger. That's the sin, not the fact that you felt the emotion, angry, anger.

[00:24:54] Isn't a sin. Yep. And so I oftentimes will respond with sin and just bad behavior. And the way I would respond would be good. And so you, how you respond is graded. So I had to learn, I flipped the script on myself now and said, look, I want to be the first one that asks for credit, for critique to make me better.

[00:25:11] Like I'm I want to be the first one. And sometimes I take it well, other times I'm like, you're wrong. Well, you're human, right? I want to put myself in a position to be the one that takes criticism in a way that makes me better. Right? Because if, if what Natalie says to me as a husband says, you don't communicate very well in this area.

[00:25:28] Not only will that affect how I communicate with her, if I get better at it, it affects how I communicate with my children. It affects how I can communicate with my parents and my, my employees at work. So everything that I do, even me getting better as a pastor and learning how to be a better leader means that I'm able to lead better at home and vice versa.

[00:25:46] And so everything you're doing makes you better. If you're willing to see that the perspective is that people want the best for me, not the worst. Right. Do I hurt my people? Do I hurt people with my words? Do I hurt your, do you hurt your spouse when you speak? Right. If you're saying, and you're looking at it, you're kind of weighing the checks and balances right now.

[00:26:04] And you're like, man, I say more things that are hurtful, right? Then helpful, then you need to reevaluate how you communicate. am I blinded by the bad effects of, I have freedom of speech and I can say what I want. That's baloney, like, just grow up. Think your way through this. There is a way to be able to critically think your way through it and have a proper argument without just being a jerk about it.

[00:26:28] Yeah, right. And a lot of things that you'll do, with your family and because they push on the emotional buttons and they know where to push and how to push in their frustration levels, really high man. Those are all things that just need to, you need to adjust into address and be better at, right.

[00:26:45] Right. Any final words, I think we've, I think you've covered. It really well, actually. And the fact that, I mean, most of these people, Don't know what you were like before. So for them hearing it, they're probably like, not that guy. Yeah. Because if that's the thing and people that know me know, right.

[00:27:06] Didn't know you in that time, we should have star in Greg on the show one time and be like, Greg, do you remember how I was? He'll just be like, he'll just chuckle in this gentle calm way. And he'll be like, yeah, I remember. But you were a tool and I was a tool. And we just, we were tools together, but the one thing we weren't willing to do was just give up.

[00:27:27] No, and we were willing to fight for the marriage, even though there's a few times I felt like, man, I just, I don't have it in me anymore to keep going. You felt the same, but we did. Right. And that's the big thing. So if you have been enjoying this podcast and we know that you have, you've been liking this and you've been listening and sending us emails, we really appreciate that.

[00:27:48] If you have any in who really just want to challenge something we said, or I want us to add something onto what we said, or you just want us to maybe pray for you or maybe coach you through something. You can reach us on Facebook and Instagram and the messaging. I would love to hear from me. If you do have a topic or a subject or something that you want to talk about, we would love to hear from you, reach out for help, reach out for help, and find yourself, stuck yourself in, an abusive situation.

[00:28:15] Get help. Right. Absolutely. And so if you do have a topic or something you want us to talk about, please email us@anamplifiedmarriageatgmail.com. We'd love to hear for you. And if you get a chance to go to the website, www amplified marriage.com and sign up for the newsletter. So you can be in the know as to what's happening, but.

[00:28:35] As you've heard us say many times before we believe that marriage can be reset. Recharge. Thanks so much. .