WEBVTT
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Welcome to another episode of amplified marriage.
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We are on season two, episode five in our final episode of our communicates here.
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Welcome to another episode of.
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Amplified marriage.
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I'm Brian, Natalie, wherever you are, as you hear us say, every single one of these episodes, we are so glad you could join us, but whatever you're doing, wherever you are, grab a coffee, have a seat.
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We are going to be having a great conversation today on our phones.
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Final piece of the communications style puzzle.
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That's right.
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Casey miss last episode in our communication series, we unpacked the aggressive communicator and we gave some practical ways in dealing with that style.
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So today is the conclusion of the series.
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And we're talking about the most.
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This is the one we want to be talking about assertive communication.
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This is the one, that's the healthy one.
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This is the one that we all want to aspire to be.
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And so you may have noticed all of you listeners that we've been gone for a couple of weeks.
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We are in BC and when our government locked us down again, I'm a pastor and everything, all the plans we had for Christmas and all it got a little bit extra.
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And so we appreciate your patience with us and your continued listening.
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As we know, people were still listening to the
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podcast and sending us.
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Emails and chatting with us.
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So we're glad that you kept on going.
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So today, as we already talked about, we are moving on to the assertive communication style.
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That's right.
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We are aspiring, assertive communicators.
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I don't think, I don't think we've arrived a hundred percent yet.
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We're doing some study on this.
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I don't even really think that I'm like
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halfway there.
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I feel
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like, I feel like 50% would be.
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It really high estimate of my abilities as an assertive communicator.
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Right.
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I think half the battle to getting to assertive communicating is, is realizing the unhealthy pattern, blah, blah, blah, the unhealthy patterns of the previous three.
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Right.
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And wherever you happen to land in those previous three communication styles.
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Yeah.
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Just know that those are unhealthy, that really they don't engage people around.
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You know, people don't want to, you know, tend to be around and all that kind of stuff as you're that kind of person or that kind of style.
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I think the most.
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The aggressive is the most damaging yeah.
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In the short term, because it's right in your face, it's usually right up front and it's kind of aggressive right away.
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Whereas the other two are kind of underlying.
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Yeah.
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They're a little bit more manipulative.
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And so the damage is there, but you may not, you may say something to me and I'd be like, Oh, yeah.
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And just walk away in 20 minutes.
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They were like, that hurt.
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Like she, I can't believe she did that
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and don't get us wrong.
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Like while we were operating in those unhealthy styles, we thought we were operating healthily.
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If that's even a word, it's a word, we're making it a word.
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It's a word.
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Right.
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But you think that you're operating.
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In a healthy way.
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Right.
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And so, you know what you know?
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Yeah.
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And we, you hear us say this all the time.
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You don't know what you don't know.
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So you might have found out during the series that, Oh my goodness.
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So
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I communicate on healthy and ma that's our hope, I think is that it's eye opening.
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If you've not realized sort of where you fall and who knows after today, you might fall under assertive and just.
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High five yourself.
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Yeah.
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Give her a five and then take that skill and teach someone else.
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I didn't do her self high five.
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Okay.
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So the assertive communication style is someone who has a firm grasp of their opinions of their feelings, how they are going to talk to someone.
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They realize that their rights and.
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What they believe, and their needs are just as important as the other person.
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And they're not, they don't want to violate the other persons, right.
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Or no.
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And I think they have a really strong sense of who they are.
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Right.
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And their boundaries.
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Right.
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Which is.
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I mean, we can all aspire for that.
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Like, yeah.
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They, they value themselves.
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The time that they have the purpose that they have their emotional, spiritual, physical needs, they, they, they know who they are.
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I like that, that that's right.
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They know who they are and they're willing to,
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they advocate for themselves, but they also advocate for others.
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And so we'll, we'll kind of break this down as we go along give you some practical ways.
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That you can do that.
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Right.
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And so like the core belief of the assertive communicator is that you matter.
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And so do I
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equal
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equal?
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So if you've been married for any length of time, I think you've heard us say this there's two times in your life when you realize you're the most selfish, right.
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When you first get married.
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And you have to live with your spouse.
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And then
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when you have kids,
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when you have kids.
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And so those are the two times you're going to realize how selfish you really are.
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And it is really, really challenging that when we're in a discussion, I'm wanting something and Natalie is actually diametrically opposed to whatever thing that I want to get into.
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She opposed to it for me in those moments when I'm angry, when I'm frustrated, when I'm feel like she's pushing all my buttons to actually feel like she matters in that, or, or opinion or belief of that situation matters in that moment.
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That makes sense.
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Yes.
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And it's a real challenge for someone who is direct, like I am and has a pattern, or has had a pattern of aggressive communication to Behave in that manner where you matter.
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And so do I,
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it's hard because we want to be right.
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Yeah.
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Right.
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Like if we're getting down to the nitty-gritty of it, I don't know.
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I want my idea to win.
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Right?
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And so that is not the point of communicating is, is that there are two powerful people in the relationship.
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There are two equal powers in the relationship, there's you and there's me.
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And we both have that inner how do we say, like, Inner knowing that I know who I am.
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I know what my values are.
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I know what my boundaries are and, and being confident in that I can then accept.
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What you have to say as well and not feel threatened by it.
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That's fair.
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So aggressive communicators, the way that they communicate, oftentimes it's going to, they're going to state the needs.
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Yep.
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The assertive communicator.
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Let's clarify.
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Not aggressive.
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I say aggressive again.
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Yeah.
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We're an assertive for those of you.
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So the assertive communicator will state their needs and their wants clearly, appropriately and respectfully to the other person.
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Absolutely.
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Like that is the.
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The groundwork of communicating assertively, is that your tone is everything right?
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Right.
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Like how you and I are speaking right now.
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I wish I could tell you that that's how our arguments are, is right now, how we're talking to each other, then this moment, and this is exactly how our fights,
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well, then we wouldn't be fighting.
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We'd be discussing.
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There's a difference.
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I'm just kidding.
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It's
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cheeky tonight.
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Cheeky
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assertive communicators express their feelings clearly appropriately respectfully.
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They use things like I statements.
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They communicate respect for us.
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Yeah.
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Can we just talk about that?
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I statement I feel statements.
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Oh boy.
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But I struggled with those.
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If, if you say I feel like you're acting like a jerk.
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That's not an, a sort of way of communicating.
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That's, that's stating an opinion and that's a judgemental statement because you can take out the, I feel with, I think, yeah, I think you're a jerk.
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And so I think a caution when using I-statements is making sure that it's like, Hey, I feel scared when you do that.
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Or I feel scared when, and then whatever the event is, or I feel sad.
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Instead of saying, I feel like you are this.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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So you're not, when you say, I feel like you, you're saying, I feel, you're saying an I statement, but instead of a naming, Hey, I feel sad in this.
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You're actually stating the opinion about what I'm doing.
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Right.
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I feel like you are being a jerk.
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You're not stating the F the emotion of me.
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I am standing
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at punitive.
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I think you're a jerk, but, but do you see, do you see how that, how that can.
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I think you're a jerk.
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I feel like you're a jerk, right?
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Oh, it seems less.
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But you're saying the same thing.
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The thing about an assertive, assertive communicator, not an aggressive communicator, assertive is that assertive communicator will take accountability and responsibility for their actions, their thoughts, their emotions, how they respond, how they talk, how they yeah.
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They receive how I receive your anger and how I respond to you is my responsibility, not yours.
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Right?
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And so if we can go with that, their core belief is that you met her.
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And so do I, that means that I'm taking accountability for my actions and moving forward.
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And I'm not blaming you when you say something and I'm responding to you in anger or bitterness or frustration yelling, I'm responsible for my actions.
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Absolutely.
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Right.
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And I think then you can communicate respectfully with each other.
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Yeah.
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And you listen.
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Well, With an assertive communicator.
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He's a good listener and interrupt you.
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Right.
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And what's the, there's a,
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and we've all been in those conversations,
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right?
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Just like you interrupted right there.
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Is that what happened in there listening?
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Well,
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we've all been, yes.
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We've all been in those conversations where you're, you're really having a moment and you can like the other person's tuned out.
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Oh, yeah.
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Right.
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Cause they're, they're thinking of how they're going to
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respond.
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And that brings me into what I was going to say.
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Is it, you listen with the intent to respond, not with the intent to understand.
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So you listen well without interrupting, you feel in control of yourself.
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Again, that comes back to the accountability of who
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and knowing, and being confident in yourself and being able to assert yourself authority like authoritatively, not in an aggressive way, but just, Hey, I know who I am.
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Right.
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And I know what I'm willing to tolerate and what I'm not willing to
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well, and it comes back to two.
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This thing is, has made good eye contact.
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If we read back or even go back to some of the study that we've done for passive, passive.
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Aggressive and aggressive communicators aggressive aside from aggressive.
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Aggressive will look you in the eyes, but they're using it to train you kind of lower your guard,
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passive.
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Well, not look, they
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struggled to look you in the eyes.
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I'm passive aggressive or passive communicator, struggled to look in the eyes.
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They won't make eye contact.
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It's really, really a challenge.
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So they look well, assertive communicator will look in the eye.
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They'll speak in calm and a clear tone of voice.
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Right.
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And, and there we're going to communicate even keel
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that's right.
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Because you're on an equal playing field.
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Right,
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right.
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There's not one that's higher up.
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Right.
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You know, in the relationship you're both,
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you mean me?
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I mean,
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a side-by-side.
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And I think having relaxed body posture, and you can tell if somebody's got their defenses up or you can tell if you're having a conversation with somebody and they're really like,
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I can definitely tell when I've
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sure if you've ruffled my feathers.
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Well, even what was it this morning?
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Like we were having a fun morning, joking and laughing.
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I said, there's a winter advisory.
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And we have a thing that we have to do tomorrow night.
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And you immediately, you don't like driving on any of those roads.
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And instead of just being like, well, You know, I understand what you're feeling.
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I feel like you don't know what I know.
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I mean, but you know what I mean?
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Like,