Jan. 21, 2025
Season 3 Ep. 16// "Intellectual Intimacy:" Connect the Brains, Connect the Hearts.
In this episode of Amplified Marriage, we explore the intriguing concept of intellectual intimacy within our marriages. We discuss how stepping into each other's intellectual worlds, even when filled with bizarre details or unknown interests, can bring about deeper connections and strengthen your relationship. This episode complements our ongoing Pillars of Intimacy series, which focuses on strengthening different aspects of intimacy between partners.
Intellectual intimacy might seem complex, but we try to break it down using relatable stories and some personal examples. We emphasize the importance of engaging in meaningful conversations, regardless of intellectual compatibility. We tackle the idea that couples don't need to share the same intelligence level or have all the same interests as long as there is mutual respect and curiosity about one another's worlds. By sharing a few easy-to-use strategies for sparking conversations and understanding each other's quirks, we want to offer you practical ways to cultivate intellectual intimacy and strengthen your emotional bonds.
Key Takeaways:
- Intellectual Intimacy: Engaging in thoughtful conversations and appreciating each other's unique interests strengthen relationship bonds.
- Diverse Interests: Couples don't need to share the same interests to connect intellectually; respect and curiosity for each other's passions are key.
- Effective Communication: Asking open-ended questions and showing genuine interest can lead to meaningful and engaging discussions.
- Shared Growth: Couples learn and evolve together through shared ideas and different perspectives, enhancing their intellectual connection.
- Adaptive Relationships: Embracing changes and exploring new interests keep relationships fresh and exciting.
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00:00 - Intellectual Intimacy in Relationships
10:12 - Deepening Relationship Through Intellectual Conversations
14:46 - Finding Common Ground Through Conversation
18:57 - Building Connection Through Shared Interests
29:36 - Connecting With Amplified Marriage Podcast
WEBVTT
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Imagine this Natalie is glued to her latest courtroom drama, rattling off every detail about a case that could rival a soap opera.
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Meanwhile, brian, who's more interested in motorcycles and what's for dinner, finds himself nodding along trying to look engaged.
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Why?
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Because he's discovered that sometimes, just sometimes, intellectual intimacy means in to your spouse's world, even when it's filled with legal jargon and dramatic objections.
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And before he knows it, he's asking the question wait, so what happened to that guy with the blue tie?
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That, my friends, is the magic of intellectual intimacy finding connections in the quirks and passions that make your relationship uniquely yours.
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Welcome to another episode of Amplified Marriage.
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I'm Brian.
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I'm Natalie.
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Well, wherever you are, whatever you're doing, you hear us say grab a coffee, go for a run.
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We are about to step into the next episode of the Amplified Marriage podcast.
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We are talking today about intellectual intimacy, and if you've missed the last couple weeks, you will know that we've talked about physical intimacy and emotional intimacy.
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So take a chance, go back and listen.
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You will definitely enjoy them.
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That's right.
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We're in our Pillars of Intimacy series.
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The Pillars of Intimacy.
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Today we're talking about intellectual intimacy and, as we were just before we started, the podcast Some giggles, some giggles because you were like well, you have to to talk to each other in order to engage with each other.
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Yeah.
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Or something along those lines.
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Yeah, it's hard to be married if you're not going to be communicating, and not just communicating like your wants and your needs and your desires and your future together, but communicating sort of the quirky things that make each other, yeah right.
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The weird, the weird, the you know, the things that you're passionate about that I might not be passionate about, and vice versa.
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It's being able to have a conversation and so here's a question for you do you think that you have to be matched intellectually, like in intellect, like, in order to stay engaged as a married couple?
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No thank goodness, because you're way smarter than I am um, here's the thing how do you not even blink?
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you just keep on going like nothing was said, like oh yeah, no, I know I am, I just keep wow I'm not and I was going to say that for the longest time I used and, like he says, I'm smarter.
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Okay, I have post-secondary education whoop-dee-doo and I can lift heavy things there you go.
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So um so many times I used that as a weapon you did early on in the relationship.
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You're like I went to school, I'm like sweet, so did I exactly and um, so I don't think you.
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I I think a marriage can work perfectly fine without you both.
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You know, if one is a doctor and some one's a janitor right, exactly, or one's a stay-at-home dad and mom's a lawyer.
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I think that you can make that work, see what we've seen in Hollywood and TV shows like even shows like the Big Bang Theory.
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I hate that show.
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I know, but the main character, penny.
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No, penny used to just date big dumb jocks and then she ended up dating a guy that was really really smart, geeky, not athletic, not very big and well-built or anything like that.
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And then they broke up, I think, and she would be dating these dumb guys and he would be wondering why.
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I think that you have to find someone that matches you, like whether or not it happened to be a guy that maybe he's a big dumb jock I don't think there's anyone that's out there that's super dumb.
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I mean, there probably is.
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But what I mean is that you you want to find the person across from you that you're sitting with, whether or not they're academic.
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They're not academic, they're athletic, they're not athletic.
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Whatever it is that's going to match you and who you are.
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And you're intellectual, like there's definitely things like even in our relationship.
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You're really smart when it comes to medical things.
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You've always have been.
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You went to school, you did training, you were in the medical field for quite a few years.
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You've done all kinds.
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I'm not very sharp in that, but I'm also sharp in other areas, and so I think that what we match in when it comes to intelligence or intellectual things.
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Is that we there's?
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There's a lot of things that you like that I think are stupid, right, right, and maybe I don't say it that way, maybe I do, no, I don't think you articulate it like that.
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I don't feel like you think.
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I feel like you just know that you're going to be in for a long-winded explanation.
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And like here's the truth, Like that opening that we had, it is absolutely the truth.
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It is 100% true, because I want to engage with her in conversation, because I love her and I care for her and I like that she's happy with her dumb shows that she's watching.
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I regret the moment I ask hey, which case are you watching now?
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Because I literally just wanted to know what the name of it was.
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A one-line synopsis this guy killed blah blah, blah and that be that.
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But no, I actually get now the history of the killer, the history of the lawyer, the history of the second lawyer, the names of the third and fourth lawyers that are working on the case, that are actually not even in the room, the judge's shoe size.
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I get all kinds of stuff and I just want to know what case and literally what, what happened, and then tell me at the end what the what, the final verdict was like.
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That's all I need to know.
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But you will give me that long winded response.
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Exactly Now we'll.
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We'll talk about that.
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Okay, we're going to talk about that to just piggy or not piggyback.
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But go back to your comment regarding being sort of like intellectually compatible.
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I think it can work if you are not talking down yes to you don't think you're superior to the other one, right?
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because they, you know, um, they, if you're a chef, that they, they can't cook and then you like, they're made to to feel inferior because they, they might not excel at cooking or whatever it might be Right.
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Yeah, so I think that that someone I don't think you know, two people who are accountants are like best paired for each other.
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No.
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Do you know what I mean?
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So I think it can work where one one is an accountant and one um works in a clothing store.
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Do know what I mean.
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Like I think it doesn't have to be if we've seen any.
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If you see anything, you see people of varying intelligences, but because people are usually intelligent in a particular field, right like we have, we have couples that one was a nail tech or a salon and they were an electrician or a carpenter.
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They're smart in the things they're doing, but what they did is they found a salon and they were an electrician or a carpenter.
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They're smart in the things they're doing, but what they did is they found a way that they, too, can come connect with their mind in a whatever way that happened to be.
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Now, even when we're talking about intellectual intimacy, we should probably define a little bit of what it is and really, when you're it, it is literally the the act of sharing ideas with each other and discussions that actually bring about just meaningful, valuable, helpful, funny, intense, deep, cerebral, ethereal type conversations that stimulate relationship between you and your partner.
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That's right, and we were just talking about this the other day, leading up to this episode.
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And we were just talking about this the other day.
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Leading up to this episode, I didn't realize, but it dawned on me the not, maybe the intrigue that's probably not the right word when it comes to like true crime watching.
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How does Natalie relax folks?
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She relaxes by watching true crime.
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That's right.
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So there's something to be said about watching a particularly violent, disturbing disturbing case and having an appreciation for choices that I've made in my life that led you down a different path.
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That led me down a different path, right and, or looking at you, know you?
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And just being so grateful that I was as picky as I was marrying you.
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Do you know what I mean?
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And it just it kind of it sparks conversation.
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Right, so many so many times be like I cannot fathom, you know, especially when it's cases involving children.
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Um, those are really really really hard on the one hand.
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On the other hand, when you see some of these cases roll through, with women suffering from postpartum as I have suffered from postpartum but made different choices in that there's an.
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It's horrific, but there's there's a, an empathy of I.
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Had I not made the those, the decisions that led me down the path that I'm on, who's to say that I would not have landed where these women find themselves, or these men, or whoever?
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it might be, so it sparks conversation and reflection on holy cow on holy cow, like, aren't we all one, one or multiple decisions away from from a different outcome?
00:10:11.918 --> 00:10:12.279
Yeah, that is true.
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I think that when you're, you're looking, you're watching the news or you're you're like, you see those channels.
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I remember back in the old days when they had uh, back in the old days when man, I can't believe I'm saying that, but when they would have police shows and it was like criminals biggest blunders, or those are the funny ones or the serious ones.
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You're like this is someone who, or they show the pictures of someone before meth and then aftermath.
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You're like, man, I can't.
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I'm so thankful for the decisions that I was made, the upbringing that I had, and it does.
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It does bring that around.
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But also, um, a lot of times, these things have sparked conversation about how are we going to talk to our kids about this, especially when they were younger, how we're going to talk to our kids about this particular situation.
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Or they heard something at school oh, I heard this about this family and you're like, yeah, that's actually true, this is what happened and you have to now.
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It sparks opportunity.
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So not only does it it, it brings you two together, where you're growing together because you're having these deep conversations and that actually brings about an ability to know each other deeper and how you think and how your thought process, thought processes, think I can actually say things like nat I know you're going to say no to this and like even today, our son is driving an hour away out of town and I said said to you over the phone, you didn't, you were nervous about him driving from here to that place out of town.
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And I said that's fair.
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But I said I trust my son and it's your heart talking, or your head knows it's true, but your heart doesn't know the difference.
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And I can say to you I know you but I've learned that over conversations over us having to fight for our values together, having to fight over I don't mean fight as in we're angry at each other.
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I'm talking like we fight for these things together.
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And so we believe in our son, we trust in our son that he's going to do that.
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Your head is telling you, yes, I understand he's a good driver, but your heart is being a mama and it's being like, and so I can say to you sweetie, I trust him, you're, I trust him, you're.
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I understand where you are, I understand this and here, instead of what I would have done in the old days, no, no, he can just do it, it's on whatever.
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I don't care what your feelings, just go do it.
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I was like no, no.
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I understand, but I wouldn't have got to that place of understanding with you if I not had to spend that time getting to know that part of you you is.
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You like these weird true crime things, but that's just something that sparks conversation and so 100 we're talking about intellectual conversations.
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It does like they.
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I can say to anyone at work oh, natalie, I asked natalie about a true crime podcast and they'd be like oh, they know just that.
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Like any one of your friends would be like yeah, I know you got the long answer, didn't you?
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It's's like, yeah, like it promotes growth for each of you, because now you're having conversations about things you may never Exactly Not.
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I'm not talking.
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I feel like I'm laying, not the true crime, no, but just Like.
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Lay that aside because we've mentioned like it has really sparked conversations about the kind of people that we want to be, but also documentaries and stupid things we see and other podcasts that you're listening to really spark conversations on communication and conversations on dealing with conflict and things like that.
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Like the hostage negotiator guy.
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Oh yeah, Chris Voss.
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Right, incredible Like.
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If you have not listened to his podcast, you need to yeah, and the other one that I talk about the Art of manliness, but with Brett.
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Oh man, just one of my favorite podcasts.
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It's so good, anyone just listen to it.
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Like podcasts and true crime, but I think those are really great catalysts to open up conversations.
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But what you're doing, though, is you're challenging each other.
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You're challenging each other's thought processes.
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Well, why do you think?
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Like that especially if you're watching the news and then you can discuss, like current events well did you like?
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here's?
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Here's the thing.
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Here's one of those.
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A few years ago, when trump won in 2016, there was a couple that made the news all over social media because they had only been dating for a short time.
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They didn't know each other's political affiliations.
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Trump wins in 2016.
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They were dating.
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She broke up with him because he supported Trump, but she didn't.
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What do you get from not communicating and not engaging with each other?
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They were dating for a significant amount of time, like eight or nine months.
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It was a relationship.
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They must not have got to political views.
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And actually, now that you mention that, I don't even think we even chatted about.
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Not before we were married.
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No, we just assumed that we were both on the same page.
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Not really thinking about politics that much when you're young no, but I mean to that couple that was like being able to know that that's a deal breaker for you.
00:14:40.621 --> 00:14:41.826
Yeah Right.
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But like.
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I said you need to.
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And here's the thing is that oftentimes in our coaching I've heard a couple say well, I just don't know what to talk to her about, or him about.
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We have nothing to talk about.
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I'm like are you kidding?
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Are you reading a book?
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Chat about the book.
00:14:58.380 --> 00:14:58.600
Yeah.
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Were you reading the Bible?
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Chat about the Bible and, honestly, this is some of the times when I know that if I ask Natalie how was your day, I'm going to get a list of things of how your day was.
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This happened with work and we had this fun thing that happened in my job and my boss said this and it was a good day or it was, it was a bad day and it was whatever day it was.
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It was, it was just it was.
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But I'll get a list of things and Natalie will ask well, how was your day?
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Oh, it was good.
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That's not good enough.
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And I've learned over the years Natalie, you didn't let me finish is that that's not good enough?
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She wants details as much as I don't want to provide her details because I'm like the day was good, there was nothing out of the ordinary to explain.
00:15:39.821 --> 00:15:45.312
Exactly, but that doesn't like.
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Part of this whole idea of having intellectual intimacy is bringing each other into each other's worlds.
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Right, right and it doesn't matter what we're doing, and if the day was so boring, I don't care.
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Yeah, and the thing is to that end, you don't care about motorcycle things no you want to care.
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I just have.
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I know that you try to care, but I'll be like I'll show her a bike that I think is like man, this motorcycle is so nice, I love the handlebars.
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Look at the size of that back tire.
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And this thing is just got nice curves.
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And she looks at and she's like, yeah, it's okay.
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Like, are you kidding me?
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I need you to love this like I do right now.
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Like this is, this is the bike I want to have when I'm an adult, there is a bike if you say, harley, I'm going to be upset it is not a harley.
00:16:33.582 --> 00:16:35.072
I think those things are ugly.
00:16:35.072 --> 00:16:36.033
Sorry, uncle dan.
00:16:36.033 --> 00:16:42.263
Um, I am very fond of hondaadows.
00:16:42.503 --> 00:16:45.587
I have an old Honda Shadow I know, and I like your bike.
00:16:45.727 --> 00:16:48.535
Yeah, but was it the Phantom?
00:16:48.937 --> 00:16:49.860
Oh yeah, you like the Phantom.
00:16:50.649 --> 00:16:52.417
That is a really really nice bike.
00:16:52.437 --> 00:16:53.178
It is a very nice bike.
00:16:53.178 --> 00:16:55.318
Not enough CCs for me, but it's a nice bike.
00:16:55.318 --> 00:16:55.640
I get it.
00:16:55.710 --> 00:16:57.109
Matte black, and I'll just leave it at that.
00:16:57.269 --> 00:16:57.892
Matte, black, wow.
00:16:57.912 --> 00:16:59.514
People with that look like it.
00:16:59.556 --> 00:17:01.721
So we just wanted to give you some funny examples.
00:17:01.721 --> 00:17:08.239
We've talked a little bit about the things that we are weird about in our relationship, like it was music or motorcycles for me.
00:17:08.590 --> 00:17:13.101
And these are like huge areas that we find common ground in.
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We do now.
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Because, though I'm musical, I hate going into the music store.
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I know you do.
00:17:18.598 --> 00:17:19.480
It is the worst.
00:17:19.480 --> 00:17:21.223
It is the worst.
00:17:21.250 --> 00:17:23.278
I noticed that you have a lot more patience for a middle son.
00:17:25.490 --> 00:17:27.369
Yes, and I do have patience for you Than you ever did for me.
00:17:27.369 --> 00:17:27.832
Is there a?
00:17:27.872 --> 00:17:28.537
reason for that.
00:17:28.537 --> 00:17:29.644
I'd like to know.
00:17:29.644 --> 00:17:37.176
Can we tell our listeners why you have more patience for our middle son than the one you married first?
00:17:37.430 --> 00:17:41.195
I will tell the listeners that there is a.
00:17:41.631 --> 00:17:43.057
There's some sass on your face right now.
00:17:45.410 --> 00:17:47.031
Marriage is sacrifice, wow.
00:17:47.031 --> 00:17:51.218
And going to the music store is an act of sacrifice.
00:17:52.038 --> 00:17:52.940
But for my son.
00:17:54.001 --> 00:17:55.262
And I dislike going.
00:17:55.262 --> 00:17:57.086
Even it's not.
00:17:57.086 --> 00:18:00.016
I like the company I'm with, I just don't like the location.
00:18:00.309 --> 00:18:02.549
Yeah, just like when our oldest starts talking to you about computer parts.
00:18:02.549 --> 00:18:10.717
You could sit there for half an hour and he pretty much and I try to understand and he pretty much just spoke Korean for the last 30 minutes and you're like, oh man, that's awesome Sud.
00:18:10.910 --> 00:18:16.179
We're not going to have the same interest, and I think that's what makes it fun.
00:18:17.082 --> 00:18:17.482
That definitely.
00:18:17.482 --> 00:18:30.790
So we just want to get into or maybe that you have gotten into, but some couples might get into deep debate about life over coffee.
00:18:31.352 --> 00:18:46.040
You know I had a or deep debate about coffee yeah, that's because I was a barista and when, prior to us dating and I fancied myself a coffee connoisseur, I knew where all the coffees came from.
00:18:46.040 --> 00:18:47.241
I knew their weird names.
00:18:47.522 --> 00:18:53.818
Yeah, you did and all the, and I just wanted I didn't actually really drink coffee until a few years into us dating Exactly.
00:18:54.352 --> 00:18:55.651
Or even to married Right.
00:18:55.651 --> 00:18:57.458
It gave us something to talk about, right.
00:18:57.458 --> 00:18:58.515
Do you like coffee?
00:18:58.515 --> 00:18:59.851
Well, I like coffee too.
00:18:59.871 --> 00:19:09.196
So here's what happened is I would go into stores like coffee places and I would order usually just a black coffee of some kind, because I actually really like a nice dark, roast black coffee.
00:19:09.196 --> 00:19:15.281
She would order whatever weird, funny, fruity or sweet thing that she would get.
00:19:15.281 --> 00:19:17.864
It was always so much better than my black coffee.
00:19:17.864 --> 00:19:29.496
So eventually over the years I just learned to that I'll just have what she has, unless I know that I like whatever it is, I'll just have what Natalie's having, because it's so much better than whatever I'm going to get.
00:19:29.516 --> 00:19:29.777
That's right.
00:19:29.777 --> 00:19:30.759
So I mean whatever your interests are.
00:19:30.778 --> 00:19:34.856
It could be solving crossword puzzles, if that's a thing for you, or playing video games together.
00:19:34.856 --> 00:19:35.479
That's a big thing.
00:19:35.479 --> 00:19:38.817
There's a whole thing about gamer culture that's happening in the world, or you?
00:19:38.817 --> 00:19:44.243
Watch documentaries or I love documentaries I know, not just crime documentaries yeah, I love documentaries I know you do.
00:19:44.263 --> 00:19:45.027
And not just crime documentaries.
00:19:45.047 --> 00:19:54.278
Yeah, I love animal documentaries, see or like here's one is you get into arguments, playful, fun, joyous arguments about who would win in a super fight.
00:19:54.278 --> 00:19:56.073
A superhero would.
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