Season 3 Ep. 3 // Endurance is the New Sexy.

 Enduracne is the new sexy. Feb 28, 2022

Bryan: Welcome to season three, episode three of the amplified marriage podcast. Today we are talking about endurance makes the heart grow fonder.

Welcome to this episode of amplified marriage. I'm Brian, Natalie, wherever you are, whatever you're doing, you hear say this all the time. Get comfy, grab whatever you need to put on those headphones. Go for a run. We are going to have an excellent chat today. 

Natalie: Yes we are. In case you missed our last podcast.

So we had a Valentine's day one where. Chatted about expectations and kind of brought it into more of a practical application of that. So if you missed it, go check it out. Yep, 

Bryan: absolutely. So we well we were kind of coming at this one a little bit. Okay. We've been married now for quite a few. This year will be 

Natalie: 21 

Bryan: years, so 21 years.

And I can honestly say that I'm not the same guy that I was. 20 years ago when we got married. 

Natalie: Thankfully not in, not in a derogatory way, it sounded 

Bryan: hurtful. And if I had any feelings, you may have hurt the one. Okay. So, and I'm 

Natalie: not the same that I was and thankful for that too. Right. Okay. 

Bryan: So we're not the same people and what we've realized as the new sexy it needs to be.

People have endurance. I think so what right. And so what we want, we kind of want to go at this in a little bit of a different way than we usually would with our podcasts where like here's a bunch of tips we kind of are basing this off of scripture out of Hebrews. This last week on Sunday, we had this really great time.

All of the, we had some of the five powerful prayers, fully prophetic women in the church. Five of them that I chose to speak and Natalie's message was on about. Running the race, running the race and doing it with endurance and how we gain that endurance. But I want to say that the new sexy needs to be or should be endurance.

And there's a whole bunch of things that come with being someone who is a person or a spouse or a relationship of endurance. 

Natalie: I think so. Okay. So I, because I'm nerdy like this, I like to know definitions of everything, but this is so applicable. We'll break it down, but today we kind of want to focus more on the mindset of endurance.

Right? Right. So when you Google the definition of endurance, this is what it says. This is from the heart.org. American heart association. So endurance activity, the question was why is endurance important? Right? Endurance activity keeps your heart lungs and circulatory system healthy and improves your overall fitness.

As a result, people who get the recommended physical regular activity can reduce the risk of many diseases, such as diabetes, heart disease, and stroke. And so I had a thought that. That there says endurance is so important for vital organs in your body. If we apply endurance to marriage, the same applies, the vital DNA of your marriage will thrive with you putting in the endurance.

And it's going to look different, obviously for everybody everyone's on a different journey, but I just thought it was so fascinating. These two concepts. One is on physical activity, right? And one, how do we apply that mindset of enduring? Marriage. And that's not a bad thing. I don't say that to be like, oh Lord, we're enduring marriage and we're just suffering through it.

No, no, no. We are in we're in it for 

Bryan: the, well, what, what is that thing that mark Gungar had said laugh your way to a better marriage. Oh, he says like, how long have you been married? And he's like, how far? It seems like I've been married for 20 years, but underwater. 

Natalie: It was like, he has like 10 minutes under 

Bryan: 10 minute.

Yeah. Like it's just. If it's not for the, and here's the thing, and we want to encourage you today, that marriage isn't something that you just, and we wanted to change your perspective on the word endure. Right? Cause we, Natalie, and I think that there is so much joy. Together and enduring together, the things that you've done together, the struggles you've had together, you've had to walk through endure challenge each other, push each other, deal with death, deal with things in your relationship that make you a better thing.

And you've endured those. And that's actually helped form your relationship character. 

Natalie: Like if you think of running a race, right, right. Like it's just kind of the whole thought process when you're running a race. There's an exhilaration that comes from crossing the finish line, right? There's there's an excitement and anticipation of, you know, I'm sure athletes go through this of winning.

Right. Well, the same thing applies to marriage. There's something, yes. Hard times come and yes, obstacles stand in your way, but there is an exhilaration that comes when you've crossed onto the other side of that mountain. So. With your 

Bryan: spouse, right. Did you like, let's read the, this definition of active for assistance, right?

It says the country, the fact of continuing on a course of action in spite of a diff of difficulty or opposition, 

Natalie: that it's, well, this is, so that act of persistence when right when we're talking about. In running the race. Right, right. We that's the drive. And if we apply that same principle to marriage, the fact of, I just love that word.

The fact of it's immovable, it is sure it is steady. It isn't wishy-washy it isn't, you know one moment I've got this thought the next moment. I'm not, it's not undecided. The fact is this, you are steady on a co on a course. You are committed to continuing on a course of action in spite of difficulty or opposition.

I love 

Bryan: right. And the thing about being married like there is I just, just came to mind is I wrote, I read a book. I think the title is called can't stop me, but their author's name was David Goggins. David Goggins was a Navy. Come from a really bad neighborhood. Grew up bad, had seen death at a young age and he had just teachers and everyone telling him that he couldn't amount to anything.

And he ended up being a Navy seal and that's highest training in us military to be. And he did something and he was, we're talking about running this race. He ended up becoming one of the top athletes in it's like the longest long distance. Like there's ones called the, the Badlands one 50, I believe is what it's called.

It's 150 miles run that 

Natalie: when there was a documentary of this guy, did we not see a video? 

Bryan: Well, I have, I don't know if you have, but this guy is well-known and a few of his guys that have been running these races, but 150 miles in like desert, like Las Vegas type desert that, that type of running. And all of that is, is when they run the race, they wake up every day and they choose.

To intentionally run the race that they know is going to be hard. And like, even in, in, when we talked about this on Sunday for church, one of the things that you said was like, it takes 16 to 20 weeks for a runner for a normal marathon. Whereas these guys, they practice sometimes for, for months and months and months of a year to be able to run this race, to run 150 miles.

Of of not just flat run that a normal marathon is like the Boston marathon. I'm talking like 150 miles of uphill, plus 45 weather conditions, whatever happens to be going on, but they choose to put themselves in that position. Same thing. When we get married, you choose to carry the weight of the things that you're, you're supposed to goes through.

The anguish, the mental English, the spiritual anguish, the physical anguish. They put yourself into position of having to endure that pain with them. 

Natalie: Right. 

Bryan: But choosing to not just be grudging it, but you're choosing to be there for your spouse and be a part of that life. And this is what you've chosen.

And it's easy for us in that when things get hard to almost like, forget that we chose this when things get hard. It's true. Right. We forget that we chose this 

Natalie: and sometimes we just don't want to. Admit, right. There's times where it's just blatant dig our heels in rebellious. 

Bryan: Well, and we there's this, this mindset that comes sometimes with I've woken up every day and I've chosen this, but why haven't they, or they're not changing NIS.

Natalie: Right. Well, I can relate to that because that's kind of the attitude that I have. Years ago of just, you know, I would read marriage books and I would highlight all the parts that I felt applied to you and was irritated when you would not read it. 

Bryan: Right. Did you read it yet? 

Natalie: Right? It was like, oh, I just felt like everything was, I was in the mindset that your, the one with the issue you needed to 

Bryan: change.

Right. And, and just like anything else running this race. Like running a race, you build up like, even you build up when you're you have to exercise it. So when you're running a race, just like David Goggins, you have to build up your muscles. You have to build up your lungs. You have to build up your heart.

Your mind needs to be in the right place. Your heart needs to be in the right place. Your choices need to be in the right place and to do that it to. And so over 20 years of being married, we've learned. Some ways that we handle each other, that we are conditioned to support each other that we're conditioned to, but you can only do that because you've chosen to endure.

And 

Natalie: we've learned the hard way because we didn't seek out professional help. Right. So that's one way that you can train. 

Bryan: Yeah. And then the professional help actually gives you tools to use and to train you and make you stronger. 

Natalie: Great communication and learning to communicate right. Is another way that you train.

Bryan: Absolutely. And so it's necessary to have to learn tools and be better at your craft to be better, to be a better runner, to be a better husband, to be a better wife. Yes. It's necessary to learn how to do these things and constantly train those muscles to be not like we're, we're comparing, comparing, running to marriage like 

Natalie: the, and he is like that and not just running, we're not sprinting.

No. And I think there's a misconception that marriage is just like, I grabbed your hand and we are running full tilt to the finish line, whether I'm dragging you or not, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. And I just want to change the mindset when, when you're running. An actual race. You have to pace yourself.

You have to slow your breathing down. You have to get into a rhythm, kind of a rhythm with the road or rhythm with the sound of your feet, hitting the pavement. At least for me, that's how I envisioned myself. And because right off the get go, it's exciting. Think honeymoon, you just got married. It's so exciting.

You are ready to you're like running full tilt. You can't sustain that pace all the way through years and years and years and years, you have got to find your story. 

Bryan: Absolutely. And the one word when you find your stride. Now, if you read, if you learn from long distance runners, right. And how they operate and marathon runners, they don't let anything distractive.

And something that is really easy in marriage is to get distracted, to get distracted by like marriage is tough. So you getting distracted by. Like having to deal with Netflix or dealing with Instagram or dealing with other people or dealing like, or death gets in the way, you're your own expectations, your own baggage that you're carrying you're you have a job loss and it's easy not to focus on each other and how you're going to make the marriage better.

Or you have sick kids or a sick wife or sick husband. Crisis, like what is our, we had, we heard this yesterday from our friend as he's one of our worship leaders at our church. And she said, this crisis reveals what you value. Oh, Mike dropped. Mike dropped, like when you're in the middle of a crisis with your spouse, how you respond in that moment really shows what you value.

Natalie: And if we're in, if we're, as we're talking about. Like the training and the not losing focus and being really kind of like tunnel vision or the goal. The goal is a long life together. That's the goal. And if you are not utilizing the tools that are available, It's so easy to shift your focus onto kind of useless and meaning less things.

So for example, all those years ago, when I would watch real Housewives of orange county, right? Because I was dissatisfied with the financial struggles that we had, I turned my attention to that. It was so dumb, but it filled and it fueled my what's the word.

I want to say gap, but it's, that's not it, but there was a void there and that was, I was fueling myself with that. And then out of that place, then that's what came out. 

Bryan: It was you weren't focused on the marriage that was like out of the heart, the most speaks, but you're filling yourself up with all this trash, from that stupid show.

And that was coming across in how we would communicate. Right. And. It's how, how, like, here's the thing you mentioned that it's, it's one, like, get the tools, how easy is it for us? Like how easy was it for you early on the marriage to have all the right tools, but still not do the right thing? 

Natalie: I don't know that I could say we had the right tools.

Bryan: We had some tools and we weren't using the ones that we had. Right. 

Natalie: Okay. So as an example, Our friend does. So she was talking about the sword of the spirit and she has an actual sword. Right. And so I held it and I was like, Ooh, this is a lot heavier than I was anticipating it to be. Not that it looked cheap, but it always looks like it would weigh less than it actually does.

And I had it my hand and I was like, I wouldn't even know how to wield the sword. Properly. Just so just because you have the tool, just because you have that sword, let's say, doesn't know that you, it doesn't mean, you know how to use it. Right. Right. So we had the tools we had. No, or yeah, we had a few tools, but that certainly didn't mean that we had the, not like we did not have the knowledge on how to use them.

Right. 

Bryan: And that makes sense. And it's one of those things like. Something that I say all the time and I stole it from someone else's like, you don't know what you don't know. If you don't know how to do something better, you're never going to do that thing better. But the moment that you do, you can't blame someone else for why you didn't do that, that thing better.

And, and even as we talk about this, like there's that, that attitude of distraction, or we're putting our time and our, our, what we value into other things. And then into our relationship now, It always sounds like you only focus on your relationship. You only elect. No, but you have to, that has to be a priority.

Natalie: Yep. And there's a balance, right? There are times where you're here working on like podcast stuff or your doing your own thing on the computer. And I'm doing my own thing somewhere else. It's not like you and I are a hundred pounds. And 

Bryan: each other's space all day, all long, but when there's, when things need to be taken care of children, life arguments, discussions, doctors, appointments, all that stuff like living life together.

You have to do it together. We value 

Natalie: our time together, right. We covet our time together. And so something 

Bryan: that culture really does, and I love the title of your message on Sunday was like, you can't have faith or can't run the race on a fast foods. Can't run the race on a fast food. Everything in our culture points to like, if you are on Instagram and you see all these business things, or these fitness things, you do these five things, you're going to have less belly fat.

You do these five things. You're going to make your first million. You do these five things and they're like, you can do this in six months. And everything with us wants to be handed on to onto a platter. That's easy, a good healthy marriage takes time, effort, and willing to run the marathon and not just run 

the 

Natalie: sprint.

Right. Put in the work. Right. It's hard, right? It takes, and it's not that the workouts are long. The workouts. Thank you. Jesus are not long, but it still, you have to intentionally pull out your mat, put your workout clothes on, turn the app on and projected the TV. Get set up, make sure you have your water.

There's all these steps that you have to be intentional of. Or it's really easy to sit on the couch and be like, we're not doing it. Yeah. 

Bryan: And that's true. And so it's like culture builds into us that we want everything immediately, like has to be here yesterday. Wasn't fast enough. It needed to be here the day before that, like everything had to be super fast and we're not willing to put all that hard work in.

And we like, we want a participation ribbon just for showing up in the mail. 

Natalie: Yeah. What, what was it you were saying earlier where it was like, oh, I said, I loved you on our wedding day and right. So if it changes, I'll let you know. Have you ever heard that one? Right. That's what we're talking about of like, you are just participating.

You're not actively pursuing well, and there was this challenge. You definitely pursue your partner. 

Bryan: And there's a, like, there's this other, other attitude. There was an article I read that said that people that get divorced before 30 years old, look at their current re their relationship that they were divorced from as a practice marriage.

Thinking, that's not who I wanted to stay with forever. So you're already building into your relationship and attitude of an out. And we would say, try not to give yourself this space for an outlet. I don't like what she said today, or he said today, so I'm going to leave. 

Natalie: Yeah, it's true. And you know, we're just going to try each other out to see if we're compatible.

We've heard that one so many times. Yeah. Pretty much anybody can be compatible. Yeah. We 

Bryan: think for the most, for the most part, 

Natalie: but if you are, and we were talking about like compatibility and when we were prepping and obviously if, if I want to children and you didn't and you were adamant, and I knew that then we wouldn't be married.

Right. Do you know what I mean? So. Obviously, knowing and sharing a commonality is super important 

Bryan: commonality, a common value system beliefs, 

Natalie: right? You want to be aligned in those kinds of major topics. 

Bryan: Right. And you want to talk about all of that stuff like, and here's the, like the practice both. It's a crazy thing.

Like I can't even like, but we want it. We want what we want fast without any of the work. And we're saying that to have a healthy, like a good, healthy marriage, you actually have to be willing to put in the work. And it's not a short term. Right? Like we see all over in this drives me crazy. Like there's all these like websites like Ashley Madison is a Canadian website design to Canadian.

It's Canadian. It's designed to, if you're married for you to find someone. That's what it's for. It's it's designed for you to make it easy for you to commit adultery. That that's what it's for. You see Facebook videos and Instagram videos where there's these whole channels that are dedicated just to having a side girl and not getting caught from your current girl, like married.

That's not even married. That's just people in a really, it's okay to have multiple people around you and not get caught. If it was something that you were okay with, you would be okay with getting caught and being like, no, this is what. 

Natalie: Yeah, right. It's not, we, we highly do not recommend that. 

Bryan: No, absolutely not.

Or are you going to say, like, we, we put all this effort into this person that we want to be with. We should continue putting the effort into, right. If you're 

Natalie: going to take all that time to sneak around and not get caught. Right. Can you imagine the kind of marriage you would have if you put that same effort into actually pursuing your, your partner?

Not being a jerk, I guess, honestly. Right. What would happen? What would change if your perspective, if you're so interested in the grass is greener mentality. If you, if you focused your attention on making your marriage a much better 

Bryan: environment, right. And, and it's like, what did we hear is, was like, what if we took the preparation of building our marriage as serious as we took bingeing up our Netflix.

Natalie: Exactly. And then like, honestly, what are you watching on Netflix? Right. Because that's going to really determine the trajectory 

Bryan: of your marriage, right. Because what you're going to watch on TV with the things that you value. 

Natalie: Exactly. Like we're very careful. We tried to be up with what we watch. Right.

We don't watch steamy scenes 

Bryan: and sex and threesomes and any of that stuff, because that stuff is, we don't need that. And that, like, we don't want to have that as part of our relationship and to be part of how we evolve as a couple, which is interesting because we were talking earlier about evolve or like the character development, like developing as a husband, developing as a father, but developing as a partner We, we want to, like I said, at the very beginning, I'm not the same guy that I was 20 years ago.

The core of, of what you fell in love with has to be there. I would assume 

Natalie: like you're looking at me like you don't believe me. No, it is there. It's just, it was an unrefined you, right? I guess. And it was an unrefined me and it was two people with very different 

Bryan: paths. That chose to wake up and run the race together every day.

Well, most days, no, 

Natalie: we did, even though, otherwise we wouldn't be together. So we did choose it. It, sometimes it was regarding, 

Bryan: yeah, there's definitely a begrudging moments. Right? Well, and what we were saying is we want to evolve 

Natalie: as a couple. If you are, you know, years into your marriage and you still are doing the same silly things you were doing when you were dating that weren't healthy.

That should be a red flag in your relationship. Something might need to change, right? Because I look at who I am now at 42. You're going to say your age. I am going to say my age at 42 years old, three kids later, 21 years, almost married. I am so glad that that who I was then has shaped because I've allowed myself to be kind of transformed right.

As we've gone through, but I've but it's shaped who I am. That me is still 

Bryan: there. Well, and the, also the important thing too, is that even in the times that we were argumentative and fighting and we didn't want to change. Still there was change that happened. Absolutely. Like eventually when you're like, you know what, this isn't 

Natalie: working, just don't want to admit it because none of us want it to be 

Bryan: wrong.

Right. But there is change. And so we believe that people can change. And anyone that says you can't just doesn't want to change. Like I know someone that always says, has said many times I am who I am, and I'm never going to change while you're setting yourself up. Not to change, not to grow, not to mature.

That's just who you are. There's no, 

Natalie: like there is no journey together then 

Bryan: no, then you're just doing it on your own. You are who you are and you expect that other person just to accept you as you are now. That is true. Like when you get. You're making that decision that I'm going to love this person, even with their flaws.

But you also like, do you know what the sexiest thing is, is when your spouse is actively working on improving them? Absolutely physically, emotionally, spiritually, that sexy. Yeah. That, that faithfulness is sexy. Commitment is sexy. And during the race that sexy, like, 

Natalie: and we live for us, like our kids are still at home.

There's a legacy there. We've got six eyes watching us. Right. And we value marriage. We value our marriage. And so we want to create that atmosphere and our children. I mean, we've had them on the podcast. We don't shy away from speaking our mind. In front of our children and we don't shy away from conflict and resolution and affection and public displays of affection.

We don't shy away from that. If, when our kids are around, right. They, they see that all, we want to create an atmosphere where our children look at marriage, not as a scary, I never want to do that, but that they're excited for it. That's the legacy relieving. So. When, when I had said that, you know, keeping stride with your spouse, I mean, we've counseled people that one spouse was miles ahead of the other.

And there you had said there's some couples that were, they weren't even in the same 

Bryan: race. No. The one was on a couch watching from the sidelines and one was moving forward and they ended up, they, there is already issues when the coaching started. And then as we coach further and further away, We always coach to restoration.

We always coached to health. We always believe that people, if you love each other, you can make things. You have to be willing, but you both have to be willing to work. You have to be willing to change. You have to be willing to step into, you have to be willing to run that race together and even make an effort to love the things they love.

Not, not so much so that you're like, cause we talked about this before you hate going to the music store with me. I hate going to Michaels. It's one of the worst things ever. I hate going to art stores. Art supplies stores, but I like being with you. So I go exactly right. But there's couples that we've coached that won't even do that.

They won't even like you're going there. No, and sometimes I'm just like straight up. I'm not going to Michaels today. I just don't have it in me to, to, to go there. And she's like, yeah, I get it. And she'll take one of the kids and then they'll go. But 

Natalie: it's not an every time that no, the things that I love that you shoot down the right note and vice versa, I will.

Suffer through the music store and I'm musical. But I musical vocally instrumentally. And so while I like to think I can play the piano, but I don't want to sit around while you're trying out all the different guitars because you play guitar. 

Bryan: That is fantastic, 

Natalie: but marriage is not just 

Bryan: about me. Right?

And it's about two people running that race and hand in hand. This sounds so cheesy. When you say like hand-in-hand running in the same stride and you got to figure out each other's heart and figure out each other's pace. Right. And Lee worked together out of that place, out of that place. Any final thoughts?

What do you got for final thoughts? Give me a final thought. It needs to be wise. 

Natalie: He used to be wise. I don't know. This one was really 

Bryan: bittersweet. 

Natalie: Almost bitter. Sweet. I think. Well, not better at all. I think we don't really talk about enduring enduring in that capacity. 

Bryan: Like good enduring. Yeah. 

Natalie: Most of the time we think of enduring as like we've slaved away, we've trudged through the mud Lord 

Bryan: of the rings, trying to get to mortar.

You just 

Natalie: endure. But, but if you can flip the script and the narrative that you choose to look through the lens of, Hey, as a fact, I'm choosing to be immovable, I'm choosing to, despite whatever comes our way and something. You created the situation and some things just happen because they just happen.

Right. But like endurance makes the heart grow fonder. Right. And it does, it does making that active choice 

Bryan: endurance. I 

Natalie: think so 

Bryan: we're just trying to work on it. We're going to try and trend it while I wish, but we don't have Twitter. We're going to try and trend this in the podcast. World. Endurance is the new sexy 

take 

Natalie: in Torrance to mean whatever you wanted.

Bryan: We believe that us in doing together over the years makes each other more attractive, not less attractive. Not that we've we've. Been beaten up and we just don't like each other anymore and we're just enduring together. We're like, no, we've 

Natalie: endured existing. That's the word? Existing in the same space note, we are thriving 

Bryan: and we are enduring life together in a good way.

Like it's a healthy, enduring 

Natalie: work. I love growing old with you. Yeah. With all my gray. 

Bryan: I love it twice. Shave it off. Well, mostly I try to any, well, well, if you like our podcast and we really, we really appreciate you. It does mean a lot when you. When you share it and you let people know about us. When you send us emails, you can follow us on Instagram and on Facebook, we are going to endeavor to be more.

Engaged in those platforms, but we just love when you actually just hang out in this, let us know if you do have any questions or any topics or anything you want us to actually discuss or an idea and just let us know what amplified marriage@gmail.com. We'd love the chance to hear from you. And as you've heard us say before, we believe that marriage can be reset, recharge.

Thanks 

Natalie: so much for listening.