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Welcome to the Amplified Marriage Podcast.
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Today we are talking about comparison and how comparison in your relationship is probably sucking the life right out of it.
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Tune in.
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This is gonna be a good one.
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Welcome to another episode of Amplified Marriage.
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I'm Natalie.
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And I'm Bryan.
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Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, as you hear us say every podcast, grab a coffee, grab a tea snack, sit on the couch.
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Join us for a chat.
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As we talk about comparison,
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why or why is comparison so challenging?
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Personally, the first thing that comes to my mind is it comes from a state of Discontentment.
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Really?
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Yep.
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So you tell me before every episode that we do not to ask you just questions off the cuff, and then I do.
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And then wisdom just pours out of you.
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If you could see her face one day we'll have this videoed and you should see her face when she does these things.
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But for crying out loud like that is such a really good start.
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The comparison comes from a place of discontentment.
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Right,
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and, and you know how it came so quickly to me because I have lived it.
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What are you saying?
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I've lived in the state of comparison.
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Yeah, I remember this.
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It's a, it's a steeler of joy.
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It robs you of what you, what good you have in your relationship.
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I think it keeps you focused on yourself.
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Hmm.
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And your needs versus anyone else's needs.
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Like even serving your spouse.
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That's right.
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And honestly, like makes you a miserable person.
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And, and not only does it make you a miserable person, it makes the person that you're doing the comparison of it makes them miserable too.
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That's right.
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Right.
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And depending on who you're, who the receiving person is.
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Yeah.
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Like if it were you if I was the one that was at the receiving end of being like, like, Compared to other people.
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And I'm sure at some point there was an instance where you were kind of the perpetrator of, that doesn't come to my mind at this moment, but being a recovering people pleaser, it would've sent me into a frenzy of trying to work overtime to fix it.
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Right?
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And so thus comes like unhealthy habits, unhealthy.
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Projections and antics that I know myself capable of to prevent that view that you might have had of me.
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Hmm.
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But you not being a people pleaser what the, my sort of like thrusting that comparison picture on you.
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It just made you mad.
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Yeah, because you were like, I'm not striving to meet you anywhere because,
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Well, and like the, here's the thing though, is that that's not that I was like at the beginning when this was a real problem for us.
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I wasn't like a, I was a good husband.
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I was a good at being just a human.
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I was just, you know, I was kind of a mess.
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Like, and it's not like, You comparing me to other people spurred me on to do better?
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No, it actually
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you dug your heels
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in.
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It just done pissed me off and yeah, and it just made me worse because I felt like I had to prove who I was and it, thinking back, I don't remember thinking I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be this guy just because she said she wants me to be that guy.
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No, I'm gonna be, and I never ever thought that, but I've never, but I can remember my behavior, right.
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And, and literally doing things that were the opposite because I'm a stubborn.
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Mule sometimes doing the opposite of what would make you happy because you compared me to that other person.
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I remember you doing that just with the other, other people.
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Now, I remember talking before, before we, we recorded this, I remember talking about it beforehand, and you're like, oh, yeah, I used to do it with friends or say things or do things.
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I don't remember those specifically, but I just remembered you looking at someone and be like, man, why?
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Oh, like almost like Brian, give your head a shake,
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right?
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And.
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It came from a place of lack.
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It came from a place of, that part of whatever I was needing wasn't being fulfilled.
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Right.
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And so,
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but it was the expectation that if I was better, I would fulfill that.
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No, I don't think it was a matter of being better.
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I think it was more like self-aware of how your behavior was hurtful.
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Oh, okay.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Right.
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There was no self-awareness in the first.
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I'd say 10 years of our marriage, what?
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Right.
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And how do we survive for both of us?
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Right.
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Oh yeah.
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No, I get it.
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Right.
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So it wasn't just Brian.
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And Pastor Brody, if you're listening, I am fully aware of my fault.
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He'll know what we're talking about.
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I'm very self-aware of the crazy stunts I tried to pull in order to get your behavior to change.
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All the while it wasn't the behavior modification that I was after.
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It was a heart transformation.
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Yeah.
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And that wouldn't come until I started dealing with some issues within my own heart towards you.
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So that's when the heart transformation
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came.
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Would it have made you happy?
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This is, this is a random thought that this came to me.
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Would it have made you happy for me just to, to do what you wanted rather than be stubborn?
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No.
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Well, because, because Would you rather have me just someone who just, who just gives up?
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Well,
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in the moment it would've been instant gratification.
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Right.
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But you're not a puppet.
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But you would've, you would've essentially trained me to be a weak person.
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Almost right.
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You know, like, cause I psych, I wouldn't have no idea.
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She, she seems she wants this and wants me to be like this guy.
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So I'm just gonna give up who I am to be that person.
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I wouldn't say train, I would say, well, that strong words, but I just kind of like beat you down with my words and then just be so right.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Because that was, What I knew.
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Well, that's what was modeled, right?
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Oh, to me as a pattern that worked.
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I gotcha.
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And so I'm like, ma, I'll try it.
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It does not work.
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I, I suggest you.
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And when they say that daughters marry their, the someone that's like their fathers, you married the opposite of your dad.
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Right.
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There's, there's that little bit of, there's that rebellious streak within my personality that Did you marry
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me just despite your dad?
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No, I love you.
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So I married you, but I wish you were
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on camera.
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Your eyeballs did a thing.
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But did I need their approval of you?
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No.
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Would it have been nice to have it?
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Sure.
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But as we go along on our journey Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Turned out to be pretty darn good.
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So then here's, here's the question, and I appreciate the compliment just for everyone hears that I gotta write down in the, I'm just kidding.
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That was just silly.
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I tell you all the time how awesome I am.
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I know I'm awesome.
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But would it have been, did, did your desire not to have your parents' approval of me because I just didn't care what your parents thought of me.
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Did it, did that make it easier for you to not care, or you just were like, no, it took
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a long time.
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It took a long time for me to come to a place where I could stand on my own two feet.
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Right.
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Even if it meant I stood alone.
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Right.
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So it's not about, this is not their life.
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Yeah.
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This is not their wants and their expectations.
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Those are, those are things they have to own.
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This is my life, right?
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And these are my choices and my decisions that I'm making.
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And you know, as we were going through hard times, did I have thoughts of like, what did I do?
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Yes.
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Right?
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I did.
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I would be lying if I didn't.
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Did I want to spend my life with anyone else?
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No.
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Did I want to make it work?
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Yes.
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And so we exhausted.
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All measures, both of us coming to a place where, yes, we both want to work on the marriage.
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We both wanted to work out.
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And so then you put in the work.
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Yeah.
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And it became less about their thoughts and opinions on the matter.
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And it became more about, this is our family, this is our lives.
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And kind of like if you have nothing encouraging to say, then maybe.
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Choose the route of not saying anything at all.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Right.
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And so I say that not, not to, you know, discourage open dialogue with family and friends, but you really need to be discerning of whether or not that's crossing a line.
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And.
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Being more disparaging and more damaging than actually
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helpful.
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Well, and the other thing too, I think I would add to that just for, cuz I know we actually have coached a lot of couples that have struggled with this, where parents just were really str really struggling to accept one or the other.
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Mm-hmm.
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Or like the, like whatever the spouse was or whatever the, the choice was.
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So that being said, like, There comes a time in your relationship where you have to choose in your life who has input that actually is for you.
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Yes.
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And your relationship.
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And the hard truth is, and we had to make this decision probably after the 10 years when we finally gained a little bit of emotional awareness.
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We had to make that decision as to we are not going to invite counsel or advice from them because they're not for us.
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That's right.
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And it it for so long, no matter what I did, it was always wrong.
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No matter what job I did, they were unhappy with no matter what career choice I I was choosing and they didn't like it.
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That's right.
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They especially despised the fact or despised me, that's a strong word, but disliked the fact that I went into ministry.
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Yeah.
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To be a pastor or even served at a church for a long time, cuz that wasn't academic.
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And
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so, so can I just say to those that might find themselves in a similar situation, academics does not determine the character of the person, right?
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So you can have all the degrees under your belt and be a total.
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Tool bag.
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Yes.
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Right, right.
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And you can be uneducated as far as post-secondary and be a stellar
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of human beings, so, right.
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Like they really put a premium on the fact that.
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I should have been like high or like college educated, like university level.
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I have lots of training.
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I got all kinds of training that I've picked up over the years.
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I still take training.
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Mm-hmm.
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We still do do things like this, like conflict resolution and HR training and yeah, all kinds of counseling.
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Like we've done all kinds of training, but that was never good enough.
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No.
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And, and you have to come to a point within yourself that you don't need their
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affirmation.
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So did, did the decision to, like how to word this, like, because I just didn't care what your parents thought.
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Nope, because they, they made it abundantly apparent early on and more leaning to your mom than your dad necessarily.
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Although the academics was a real thing, but I didn't really care and I think that bothered them.
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That I just wouldn't like drop everything to listen to what they were saying and, and make completely change up in my life and career.
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That's right.
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To do what they chose.
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That's right.
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And it's again, it's not up to them.
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Right.
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There comes a point where your children become adults.
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Right.
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And your input into their life becomes solicited when asked for.
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Right.
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Not just.
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Barfed on them because they're your kids, right?
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So
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right, you get to a certain place where, You just have to make that decision.
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And, and I'm, I, I'm actually surprised now that we've been coaching couples for a while, how often it happens from couples ranging from like young 20 19, 20, 21 years old, all the way up to couples that have meddling parents at 40 years old or 45.
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I'm like, are you, there
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is a better way.
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People Come on.
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There's
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a better way.
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Parents just need to let go.
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Just let it go and just move on.
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Anyway, back to back to what we're talking comparison.
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Our first point that we had, which we've talked about a little bit, is it actually breeds resentment.
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Resentment, and this is a prime example of Oh, like exactly what we were talking about, about overbearing, meddling in-laws, right.
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Parents, friends.
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Yeah, you fill in the blanks.
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It does breed resentment because you know, when we've said before in lots of our podcasts that you become who you hang out with, right?
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And so if you are in the company of negative people, of people that talk down your spouse constantly, and after a while those words begin to take root and