May 16, 2023

Season 3 Ep. 4 // Why Be a Copycat When You Can Be a Unicorn? (Part 2)

Season 3 Ep. 4 // Why Be a Copycat When You Can Be a Unicorn? (Part 2)
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Season 3

 Comparison is a silent killer in marriages. Being compared to someone else is never a good feeling. Comparison will slowly destroy your marriage from the inside out.

Join us for part 2  as we take an even deeper look into the pain of comparison.

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WEBVTT

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Welcome to the Amplified Marriage Podcast.

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We are onto part two of our comparison.

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Episodes.

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First one was a doozy.

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We had fully intended to go on to something big and move on to a few points.

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We got just hooked onto one and we had some really great conversation.

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You wanna go back and listen to that, but we're excited that you're here for this one.

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Let's take a listen.

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---Welcome to another episode of Amplified Marriage.

00:00:55.265 --> 00:00:55.804
I'm Natalie.

00:00:55.804 --> 00:00:56.615
And I'm Brian.

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Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, you hear us say this every time.

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Grab a snack, grab a coffee, sit on the couch, grab a blanket.

00:01:03.484 --> 00:01:05.495
We're so excited that you joined us for our chat today.

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As I said before, we are onto the second part of our comparison podcast, and boy was the first one a good one.

00:01:14.465 --> 00:01:14.584
Mm-hmm.

00:01:14.825 --> 00:01:19.715
Kind of took an unexpected, lengthy turn right.

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Yeah, I mean, we've got our guidelines of kind of where we wanna talk or what we wanna talk about, and it kind of just took legs of its own, which was a really good thing

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actually.

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Yeah.

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And if it was one of those we felt that we just kinda need to press into that.

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Mm-hmm.

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Because there's a lot of that kind of comparison where people are comparing their relationships to other people's relationships or comparing their husbands or their wives to other husbands and wives that's really causing problems inside of relationships.

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Mm-hmm.

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And so that was a really.

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It was a really good one and we're really looking forward to having a, a chat about this one.

00:01:50.495 --> 00:01:50.650
Mm-hmm.

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So have you missed last time comparison creates resentment was that one.

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So if you missed it, go take a listen.

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Today we're talking about comparison creates unrealistic expectations.

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Oh, it didn't work.

00:02:09.930 --> 00:02:12.659
So there's something you.

00:02:15.194 --> 00:02:22.175
That's so powerful about people that actually compare to others that that's actually it.

00:02:22.180 --> 00:02:24.014
It seems like it just, it hooks into you.

00:02:24.020 --> 00:02:26.775
It grabs onto you, and this becomes part of who you are.

00:02:27.465 --> 00:02:27.944
You know what I mean?

00:02:27.944 --> 00:02:28.335
Like that.

00:02:28.335 --> 00:02:32.235
That's part of, I don't know, like even when we were talking about it.

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Yes.

00:02:32.805 --> 00:02:38.955
The last episode, how long it was for you and how often and how long you were comparing and how it became.

00:02:39.419 --> 00:02:42.780
Just not by any fault of your own, like I'm gonna compare him to everyone.

00:02:42.780 --> 00:02:48.900
Just be like, that's just part of what you did, part of your everyday walk, everyday behaving with me as your husband.

00:02:49.349 --> 00:02:49.919
Yes.

00:02:50.280 --> 00:02:55.080
And there's, I, I would say that it's kind of a sneaky one.

00:02:55.919 --> 00:03:04.379
It's not so, I mean, something's obvious, like are more in your face as far as comparison goes.

00:03:04.384 --> 00:03:06.150
And other stuff was sort of like subtle.

00:03:07.199 --> 00:03:11.550
Things I'd kind of jab at you with, if that makes sense.

00:03:11.580 --> 00:03:12.030
Yeah.

00:03:12.030 --> 00:03:12.031
Yeah.

00:03:12.689 --> 00:03:16.680
And again it stems from a level of discontentment,

00:03:17.219 --> 00:03:17.580
right?

00:03:18.270 --> 00:03:26.530
And it, I mean, even like, I, I like this dex this next one, it creates unrealistic, unrealistic expectations even.

00:03:28.169 --> 00:03:33.375
Even if the, the, the expectations say you're comparing me to Bill, I always do Bill or Samantha.

00:03:33.435 --> 00:03:37.844
This is how I, even, even when I do, when I preach, whenever I use someone, it's always Bill or Samantha.

00:03:37.844 --> 00:03:45.525
So say you're comparing me to Bill and what Bill is doing isn't unrealistic, but it's not me.

00:03:46.025 --> 00:03:47.294
And that's right.

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Right.

00:03:47.564 --> 00:03:54.805
It's essentially setting your partner, your spouse up to fail because it's some level.

00:03:55.974 --> 00:03:58.495
Of satisfaction that you've kind of conjured up in your head.

00:03:58.495 --> 00:04:04.194
It's kind of like we all view Instagram as, like everyone just shows the highlight reels on Instagram.

00:04:04.194 --> 00:04:04.254
Yeah.

00:04:04.259 --> 00:04:08.185
No one really shows real life and when they do,

00:04:08.365 --> 00:04:09.574
and maybe there are some who do.

00:04:09.574 --> 00:04:09.775
No.

00:04:09.775 --> 00:04:10.794
And when they do, it's still

00:04:10.800 --> 00:04:11.425
contrived.

00:04:11.485 --> 00:04:11.814
Right?

00:04:11.814 --> 00:04:12.596
It's still planned out.

00:04:12.895 --> 00:04:14.574
It's still, you know, photoshopped.

00:04:14.604 --> 00:04:16.074
It's still filtered.

00:04:16.939 --> 00:04:24.194
Comparison is like that, where you're kind of paying attention to the highlight reel of someone else's life.

00:04:24.615 --> 00:04:25.185
Ooh, that's good.

00:04:25.285 --> 00:04:29.004
And you're short changing what you currently have with your spouse.

00:04:29.004 --> 00:04:34.274
And I said the last episode, if you don't like what you are reaping, you need to change what you're sowing.

00:04:35.064 --> 00:04:35.334
Right?

00:04:35.485 --> 00:04:42.334
So, and this thus, the cycle of unrealistic expectations just continues.

00:04:42.845 --> 00:04:54.634
To feed itself if you are constantly looking elsewhere for the satisfaction versus cultivating and working hard, like relationships are hard.

00:04:54.634 --> 00:04:55.355
Marriage is hard.

00:04:55.355 --> 00:04:55.415
Yeah.

00:04:55.415 --> 00:05:02.704
You need to there's, you're not gonna get the relationship that you want if you don't put any work in.

00:05:03.214 --> 00:05:03.574
Right.

00:05:03.725 --> 00:05:14.235
And you can't just have it handed to you on a silver platter or have it, you know watching a show or watching someone else's marriage in the spotlight.

00:05:14.805 --> 00:05:16.485
That's not how, it's not realistic.

00:05:16.574 --> 00:05:17.144
Well, and then

00:05:17.475 --> 00:05:25.004
even trying to, to force, essentially when you're comparing your husband or your spouse to someone else, you're trying to force them to be like that other person.

00:05:25.529 --> 00:05:26.040
That's right.

00:05:26.069 --> 00:05:44.519
And saying that, well, what, who you are isn't good enough, which is not good for the self-image, really not good for your, your self-worth or your value if you, you're trying to compare me to someone else, but also you're trying to force him to be someone else, and so you're not gonna be able to reach the expectations because you're, I thought you said that the comparison is like watching Instagram.

00:05:44.639 --> 00:05:47.069
If I compare, you compare me to Bill all the time.

00:05:47.069 --> 00:05:50.970
You're only seeing the highlight reels and we spend time with Bill and Sam and

00:05:51.180 --> 00:05:55.230
chances are Bill is, Kind of a crummy person.

00:05:56.160 --> 00:05:57.329
Well, maybe,

00:05:57.449 --> 00:05:58.319
maybe, maybe

00:05:58.470 --> 00:05:59.250
and maybe not.

00:05:59.250 --> 00:06:09.209
And even then if, and it's not to say that you can't admire someone else's relationship and, and say, you know what, like, we're gonna strive to.

00:06:10.535 --> 00:06:11.475
Be good communication.

00:06:11.654 --> 00:06:12.314
Be good com, good

00:06:12.504 --> 00:06:13.394
affection, date.

00:06:13.435 --> 00:06:20.875
We're not saying that that's wrong, but when you are like, I would rather trade you out in, in, in not so many words.

00:06:20.935 --> 00:06:21.175
Yeah.

00:06:21.415 --> 00:06:22.704
For someone else, right.

00:06:22.704 --> 00:06:25.586
Or hold you to a standard that someone else, you know.

00:06:26.305 --> 00:06:29.425
Posted about or someone else in front of people.

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Yeah.

00:06:30.175 --> 00:06:33.295
Made it seem like their relationship was super awesome when behind closed doors.

00:06:33.295 --> 00:06:34.285
It probably isn't.

00:06:34.495 --> 00:06:34.845
Right.

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Right.

00:06:35.370 --> 00:06:37.644
Or it's not as awesome as you've made it up in your mind.

00:06:38.185 --> 00:06:38.665
Well,

00:06:39.444 --> 00:06:39.714
yeah.

00:06:39.720 --> 00:06:40.584
Right, right.

00:06:40.584 --> 00:06:43.855
Like people have said to us, they're like, oh, hashtag marriage goals.

00:06:44.154 --> 00:06:46.644
And we're like, what are you saying?

00:06:47.574 --> 00:06:51.814
And they were like, oh, you know when, when cuz we're coming up on 22 years married.

00:06:52.714 --> 00:06:53.855
Like, wow, that's.

00:06:54.529 --> 00:06:55.699
I just want your relationship.

00:06:55.699 --> 00:06:57.290
And I'm like, no you don't.

00:06:57.769 --> 00:07:04.759
And they just kind of looked at me and I said, do you realize the journey that it's, that that has taken place to get us to this place?

00:07:04.879 --> 00:07:04.970
Right?

00:07:05.300 --> 00:07:10.069
Like, you watch what you wish for because you, you, you see what we put out.

00:07:10.339 --> 00:07:18.709
You see in one way, sort of like not the highlight reels, cuz we're fairly honest about our, the crummy things that we've had to walk through.

00:07:18.709 --> 00:07:21.740
But that's a snippet.

00:07:23.569 --> 00:07:24.980
Of the journey.

00:07:25.079 --> 00:07:25.430
Right?

00:07:25.730 --> 00:07:26.060
Right.

00:07:26.060 --> 00:07:27.920
And so I think it's, it's the highlight reel.

00:07:28.009 --> 00:07:42.920
It's like pull out, you know, if you think that we're great communicators or you think that well you know my husband is generous or whatever, then glean that and, and try to cultivate those characteristics within your own marriage.

00:07:42.980 --> 00:07:43.220
Right.

00:07:43.910 --> 00:07:44.310
Well, and.

00:07:45.394 --> 00:07:56.105
Even as an, as an example of that the expectations, I was gonna go somewhere and I think I just, I wanna save that for a little bit later.

00:07:56.105 --> 00:07:58.345
But you remember the, the very first episode we ever did.

00:07:59.555 --> 00:08:12.605
Back like three years ago was, it's still in our top five most downloaded episodes, and the thing about expectations are is there's a, a few things that need to be a part of those expectations.

00:08:12.605 --> 00:08:14.375
Do you remember those, those four things?

00:08:14.404 --> 00:08:15.605
Not off the top of my head.

00:08:15.605 --> 00:08:15.935
No.

00:08:15.935 --> 00:08:23.134
I don't either is I went and actually looked it up and it, this is what we communicated, and this has actually helped our marriage a lot, is that.

00:08:23.545 --> 00:08:32.784
If you want to have realistic, realistic expectations about your spouse, so you're not comparing them to other people, because bill's highlight reel is gonna be different than your highlight reel is that there's four things.

00:08:32.784 --> 00:08:36.235
It's known, achievable, communicated, and agreed upon.

00:08:36.595 --> 00:08:37.585
Oh, right, right, right, right.

00:08:38.004 --> 00:08:38.125
Yes.

00:08:38.215 --> 00:08:49.164
And we actually have used those four points to, to coach couples that just had, like I remember along in one of our.

00:08:50.899 --> 00:08:55.490
Because, because comparison turns things into something that it doesn't need to be.

00:08:55.580 --> 00:08:55.669
Mm-hmm.

00:08:56.210 --> 00:08:56.480
Right?

00:08:56.480 --> 00:09:00.679
It turns, it turns your relationship into you want something, one else's relationship.

00:09:00.679 --> 00:09:01.850
It turns into, into something.

00:09:02.000 --> 00:09:05.850
It can't be because you're not communicating what you're feeling to your, your.

00:09:06.345 --> 00:09:06.825
Partner.

00:09:07.184 --> 00:09:08.565
You're not communicating the full story.

00:09:08.565 --> 00:09:10.154
You're not communicating your full feelings.

00:09:10.365 --> 00:09:13.934
And then what ends up happening, instead of actually communicating more, you communicate less.

00:09:13.995 --> 00:09:14.054
Yeah.

00:09:14.085 --> 00:09:21.884
And when you are communicating it's negative communication about you comparing me to Bill and so then I'm being communicated with, but it's not good communication.

00:09:21.884 --> 00:09:22.004
No.

00:09:22.065 --> 00:09:24.465
And you're actually putting a block into the relationship.

00:09:24.909 --> 00:09:25.149
Not.

00:09:25.149 --> 00:09:30.669
And not stepping into, and then we have to actually break apart the negative communication.

00:09:30.700 --> 00:09:30.759
Yeah.

00:09:31.000 --> 00:09:34.840
Negative comparison into the positive communication, into moving into something different.

00:09:34.840 --> 00:09:37.570
And that's a really hard place to start with.

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Right.

00:09:37.809 --> 00:09:37.899
And

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you have to ask yourself.

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Do I, is my lifelong goal in my relationship to wake up disappointed every single day?

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Right?

00:09:45.830 --> 00:09:49.820
Is it my lifelong goal to wake up frustrated every single day?

00:09:50.279 --> 00:09:58.884
If you have unmet expectations that are not articulated, they are not known to your spouse, they are not achievable, and what was the fourth?

00:09:59.164 --> 00:10:01.205
It's known, achievable, communicated, and agreed

00:10:01.205 --> 00:10:06.245
upon and agreed upon, then you are setting yourself up for a.

00:10:07.534 --> 00:10:09.934
A world of disappointment, of frustration.

00:10:09.934 --> 00:10:10.924
Well, and do you remember

00:10:10.924 --> 00:10:21.485
early on, and I now, now, after hearing the story about how much you compared me to other people or Orange County Housewives of Orange County husbands?

00:10:21.485 --> 00:10:21.575
Mm-hmm.

00:10:22.174 --> 00:10:22.894
I remember that.

00:10:23.705 --> 00:10:30.904
Now that I think back about that was the, you comparing me to them and not being, not even communicating.

00:10:30.904 --> 00:10:33.465
You remember when we had, you talked to me about I had.

00:10:33.465 --> 00:10:35.625
You had expectations of me, but you'd never told me.

00:10:35.625 --> 00:10:36.975
You just assumed that I knew.

00:10:37.335 --> 00:10:37.754
That's right.

00:10:37.965 --> 00:10:45.375
And so would it have been harder in those moments to communicate Well, he should just know that I need him to take the garbage out.

00:10:45.375 --> 00:10:48.254
He should just know that this has to be done to this time.

00:10:48.254 --> 00:10:50.865
He should just know because you're comparing me to other people.

00:10:51.284 --> 00:10:53.384
It was like another layer of miscommunication.

00:10:53.865 --> 00:10:54.764
Of like misfiring.

00:10:54.825 --> 00:10:55.065
Oh, a hundred

00:10:55.065 --> 00:10:55.544
percent.

00:10:56.235 --> 00:10:59.085
And my justification was you have eyes in your head.

00:10:59.085 --> 00:11:01.995
Can you not see that the garbage bin is full?

00:11:02.355 --> 00:11:02.565
Right?

00:11:03.075 --> 00:11:04.455
Oh, that was my justification.

00:11:04.455 --> 00:11:04.875
Right?

00:11:04.995 --> 00:11:10.304
And instead of just saying, Hey babe, could you please take out the garbage?

00:11:10.365 --> 00:11:11.596
I just sat there.

00:11:12.764 --> 00:11:16.455
Probably glaring at you waiting for you to grab a clue, right?

00:11:17.095 --> 00:11:28.014
And it wasn't, I mean that was the un the unrealistic expectation, but it was just, it stemmed from conversations with other people of like, well, this is what your husband should be doing.

00:11:28.019 --> 00:11:28.294
Right?

00:11:28.625 --> 00:11:30.144
There we go, as man of the house.

00:11:30.465 --> 00:11:30.815
Right?

00:11:30.914 --> 00:11:33.684
He should be taking care of vehicle things.

00:11:33.684 --> 00:11:37.375
He should be putting gas in the car, he should be doing lawn maintenance.

00:11:37.375 --> 00:11:40.254
Cuz these are the things that husbands do,

00:11:40.524 --> 00:11:40.884
isn't.

00:11:41.335 --> 00:11:44.274
Isn't that kind of conversation a bit of a slippery slope though?

00:11:44.845 --> 00:11:45.504
A hundred percent.

00:11:45.504 --> 00:11:48.004
Cuz I don't mind taking out the garbage and I like lawn

00:11:48.004 --> 00:11:48.365
work.

00:11:48.605 --> 00:11:49.085
Yes.

00:11:49.174 --> 00:11:50.164
That was one way.

00:11:50.169 --> 00:11:52.625
And I, I like where you took that.

00:11:53.164 --> 00:11:54.575
That's not what I was thinking.

00:11:54.580 --> 00:11:54.605
Oh.

00:11:55.595 --> 00:12:02.164
Because sometimes we have to have conversations with couples and I will have conversations one-on-one with the man.

00:12:03.529 --> 00:12:13.980
And because he, especially if they're, they've been married just for a few years, there's oftentimes a, a miss in communication and maybe the wife is comparing the husband, Hey, my dad used to do all these things.

00:12:13.980 --> 00:12:14.429
Why aren't you?

00:12:14.434 --> 00:12:17.190
Which was actually something that happened with us, like, dad did this, blah, blah, blah.

00:12:17.610 --> 00:12:22.019
The slippery slope, I mean, isn't a slippery slope in that conversation.

00:12:22.019 --> 00:12:27.179
That one-on-one I have to have to say to him, and, hey, you're not, you're not fulfilling your duties as a husband.

00:12:27.360 --> 00:12:30.000
Your responsibility is to take care of your wife.

00:12:31.200 --> 00:12:32.279
And the modern date.

00:12:32.460 --> 00:12:34.950
Look after your, like, help her look after the home.

00:12:35.009 --> 00:12:37.350
You guys, you know, do your chores, do your things.

00:12:37.950 --> 00:12:38.879
Take care of her.

00:12:38.909 --> 00:12:40.980
Help out how you need to, when you need to.

00:12:40.980 --> 00:12:42.179
All of those types of things.

00:12:42.509 --> 00:12:46.259
The slippery slipping me is like not pointing the finger and saying, you're not being the man of the house.

00:12:46.259 --> 00:12:46.950
I'm like, no, no, no.

00:12:47.445 --> 00:13:03.134
If you're sitting around on your couch playing video games from the moment you get up to the moment you go to bed and you're doing that six months in a row and your wife is upset and wondering why you're not doing anything, that's when someone needs to come in and says, Hey, you need to like man up and get in there and be the man of the house.

00:13:03.164 --> 00:13:03.514
Right?

00:13:03.735 --> 00:13:04.725
And I think that there's an,

00:13:04.995 --> 00:13:06.105
that's what I mean by slip your slip.

00:13:06.105 --> 00:13:06.195
Does

00:13:06.195 --> 00:13:06.705
that make sense?

00:13:06.705 --> 00:13:06.884
Yep.

00:13:07.095 --> 00:13:13.764
And there's, and it goes both ways because there are lots of men that are on top of.

00:13:14.514 --> 00:13:14.904
Everything.

00:13:14.909 --> 00:13:16.014
Everything, right?

00:13:16.375 --> 00:13:18.894
And I'm one of those guys right now.

00:13:18.894 --> 00:13:20.304
You are what

00:13:20.784 --> 00:13:25.404
I was expecting a use for my sound effect, the rim shot, and you just didn't give me anything.

00:13:26.065 --> 00:13:27.024
I'm really upset about that.

00:13:27.404 --> 00:13:28.605
Just for those of you who get to hear

00:13:28.605 --> 00:13:29.975
it, oh, dear.

00:13:30.875 --> 00:13:37.894
It's one of those things that it's not, there's not a specific, it's not gender.

00:13:38.315 --> 00:13:38.554
Right.

00:13:38.554 --> 00:13:40.504
Like the man's supposed to do this and the woman's Right, right, right.

00:13:40.705 --> 00:13:41.465
Supposed to be in the kitchen.

00:13:41.495 --> 00:13:41.884
No.

00:13:42.304 --> 00:13:46.835
You found a love of cooking and you cook and I love that.

00:13:47.855 --> 00:13:49.654
And I don't like when you clean the bathroom.

00:13:49.659 --> 00:13:52.086
So I clean the bathrooms and we delegate to our kids.

00:13:52.091 --> 00:13:52.355
Right?

00:13:52.684 --> 00:14:00.605
So you need to find sort of a system that works for your marriage and you need to communicate.

00:14:00.889 --> 00:14:04.820
If it's communicating different chores and things like that, then you need to do that.

00:14:05.029 --> 00:14:15.320
But you can't look at someone else's tidy house, let's just say, and look at, you know, your wife or your husband and be like, mm-hmm.

00:14:16.879 --> 00:14:17.179
Right.

00:14:17.179 --> 00:14:20.330
Because for all you know they have a cleaner that comes in.

00:14:20.705 --> 00:14:21.605
Three times a week.

00:14:21.664 --> 00:14:21.875
Yeah.

00:14:22.115 --> 00:14:22.745
Do you know what I mean?

00:14:22.745 --> 00:14:22.804
Yeah.

00:14:22.809 --> 00:14:26.914
And, and it's those hidden things, like you don't, you're not living that life.

00:14:26.975 --> 00:14:32.855
And so from the outside, it looks like, my gosh, like they have all the time in the world to do whatever, whatever.

00:14:33.695 --> 00:14:42.784
And then you just, it causes unnecessary tension and stress in your relationship if you're going to be constantly doing that.

00:14:43.384 --> 00:14:43.774
Right.

00:14:44.884 --> 00:14:45.245
And.

00:14:45.875 --> 00:15:02.195
Yeah, like, I think even just a, like an encouragement to young couples, if anyone's gonna listen to this, is communicate your expectations and your expectations need to be something that that person that you're with can do.

00:15:02.644 --> 00:15:03.034
That's right.

00:15:03.039 --> 00:15:03.284
Right.

00:15:03.514 --> 00:15:08.355
Like if Natalie had the expectation that I'm gonna be some kind of amazing car mechanic.

00:15:09.585 --> 00:15:11.654
Because Bill mm-hmm.

00:15:11.894 --> 00:15:13.065
Is an amazing car mechanic.

00:15:13.304 --> 00:15:16.544
Well, why can't you save us a thousand dollars and fix the car?

00:15:16.784 --> 00:15:16.995
Yep.

00:15:17.054 --> 00:15:23.264
Well, if I try and save you a thousand dollars and try and fix the car, I'm gonna have to pay$2,000 to get someone to fix it after I try to do it.

00:15:23.534 --> 00:15:24.434
I guess it's not me.

00:15:24.679 --> 00:15:25.100
That's right.

00:15:25.159 --> 00:15:28.820
But then Bill may not be able to do like drywall and mudding and taping, but I can Right.

00:15:28.820 --> 00:15:32.450
Like there's, there's, there's skillsets, there's things that we can all do.

00:15:32.600 --> 00:15:36.950
And that's, that's where we we're like man and woman, when you're in a relationship, yeah.

00:15:37.399 --> 00:15:38.269
You're doing this.

00:15:38.299 --> 00:15:38.990
We're equal.

00:15:38.990 --> 00:15:40.039
We're just different roles.

00:15:40.039 --> 00:15:41.090
We just do different things.

00:15:41.090 --> 00:15:42.240
That's like, Natalie likes yard work.

00:15:43.250 --> 00:15:46.250
I don't mind yard work and I'll do it, but Natalie likes yard work.

00:15:46.250 --> 00:15:47.629
She'll, so she'll do it.

00:15:47.990 --> 00:15:50.299
But we know other people whose wives won't touch the yard work.

00:15:50.304 --> 00:15:50.549
That's right.

00:15:50.549 --> 00:15:51.950
And that's what works for them.

00:15:52.070 --> 00:15:52.250
Yeah.

00:15:52.549 --> 00:15:52.820
Right.

00:15:53.029 --> 00:15:53.870
Can we just talk about.

00:15:55.259 --> 00:15:57.149
Media and movies.

00:15:57.149 --> 00:16:05.909
Cause I feel like this is kind of, for me, what stemmed this unrealistic expectation of marriage was these romcoms, oh, they're terrible.

00:16:06.600 --> 00:16:14.490
And how they kind of depict this perfect, nothing goes wrong relationship.

00:16:14.970 --> 00:16:21.029
Of, you know, a hi, like dotting on each other and servanthood and all of this and all of that.

00:16:21.029 --> 00:16:26.820
And you know, constantly having sex and all of these things and things like that.

00:16:26.820 --> 00:16:28.200
And it's just not realistic.

00:16:28.200 --> 00:16:33.159
And I remember before getting married, it was kind of like this glass slipper.

00:16:33.924 --> 00:16:35.695
Fog, right?

00:16:35.700 --> 00:16:40.345
Cinderella and the Glass slipper and the man and the Knight and Shining Armor and Prince Charming and all of that.

00:16:40.345 --> 00:16:45.774
And we have all of these, you know, in and of it themselves are not bad.

00:16:46.315 --> 00:16:53.565
But what happens is these are fictitious characters that then you try to translate into real world.

00:16:54.625 --> 00:17:05.545
And are incredibly frustrated and disappointed when you're like, gosh, if, if I'm basing what a relationship should look like off of that, right, I'm going to, I'm going to be a mess.

00:17:05.694 --> 00:17:11.934
Well, and I, and I think that was part of the problem, was why can't it be like that?

00:17:11.934 --> 00:17:17.174
Why can't you just be like that when we were first married?

00:17:18.075 --> 00:17:18.434
Right.

00:17:18.525 --> 00:17:20.384
Well, and e even if you.

00:17:21.809 --> 00:17:36.059
Look at the romantic comedies and so say one of them would have say, an issue of some kind, like mild drug issue or struggled with pornography or like to go to strip clubs.

00:17:36.450 --> 00:17:40.650
Instead of it actually being something that, Hey, we need to deal with this.

00:17:40.654 --> 00:17:41.730
It was always made fun of.

00:17:41.960 --> 00:17:43.029
Or or celebrated.

00:17:43.029 --> 00:17:55.990
Or celebrated the fact that they would do these things and that that's normal in the relationship or, and they would never, it was always like comedy, like, we're gonna, we're gonna make light of this instead of just like, Hey, this makes your wife insecure.

00:17:55.990 --> 00:18:00.069
When, when you're dating and married, you're going to strip clubs on a regular basis a hundred percent.

00:18:00.240 --> 00:18:02.619
And they would just like make light of it.

00:18:02.829 --> 00:18:04.269
And that would be that That's okay.

00:18:04.359 --> 00:18:04.720
Like,

00:18:05.140 --> 00:18:05.619
no.

00:18:05.710 --> 00:18:05.859
Right?

00:18:05.859 --> 00:18:10.779
Cuz whether you wanna admit it or not, you are comparing your spouse that is at home or you're.

00:18:11.265 --> 00:18:16.484
Partner that is at home to these unrealistic bodies.

00:18:16.484 --> 00:18:17.805
Let's just right.

00:18:18.404 --> 00:18:19.365
Call it what it is.

00:18:19.365 --> 00:18:19.664
Right.

00:18:19.664 --> 00:18:22.664
And, and the same thing, you know, when you have multiple partners.

00:18:22.724 --> 00:18:22.845
Mm-hmm.

00:18:23.299 --> 00:18:23.384
Right?

00:18:23.775 --> 00:18:27.805
And then you find the one you're gonna have that to deal with.

00:18:27.835 --> 00:18:31.174
You are going to have that, you know, because we're visual people.

00:18:31.585 --> 00:18:35.964
And so those memories and those images are imprinted.

00:18:35.964 --> 00:18:39.025
Those moments, those intimate moments are imprinted in your brain.

00:18:39.744 --> 00:18:40.015
Right.

00:18:40.015 --> 00:18:49.105
And the, and it's really hard to separate that and not think about, not allow yourself to go there when you're being intimate with your spouse.

00:18:49.109 --> 00:18:49.255
Right.

00:18:49.434 --> 00:18:49.615
Right.

00:18:49.619 --> 00:18:50.575
So you need to deal with

00:18:50.575 --> 00:18:50.845
that.

00:18:50.994 --> 00:19:01.525
And all of those things are, are, again, that's, that's the, the dangers of comparing because of decisions you make even before you get married.

00:19:01.529 --> 00:19:01.835
Right,

00:19:02.214 --> 00:19:02.515
right.

00:19:02.634 --> 00:19:06.805
And I think we can't talk about unrealistic expectations as far as comparison goes and not.

00:19:07.164 --> 00:19:08.214
Not talk about that.

00:19:08.454 --> 00:19:08.724
Right.

00:19:09.204 --> 00:19:13.375
Right, because, and you know, I would caution like.

00:19:13.855 --> 00:19:15.775
Watch what you watch, watch what you

00:19:15.775 --> 00:19:16.315
read.

00:19:16.555 --> 00:19:24.954
And again, even, even our romantic comedies that we watch, even now, that part, like that part is really hard.

00:19:24.954 --> 00:19:30.384
Like we have coached couples that have said, very specifically said I had was with multiple partners before I got married.

00:19:30.414 --> 00:19:30.654
That's right.

00:19:30.654 --> 00:19:38.095
We've been married for three years and our sex life struggles because we both, they both had, were promiscuous before they cleaned up and they got their life together.

00:19:38.484 --> 00:19:39.355
They both.

00:19:39.414 --> 00:19:45.494
Were struggling in the area of, in, of intimacy because they were so easily visualizing other men or other women That's, that they had been with That's right.

00:19:45.565 --> 00:19:46.375
In their relationship.

00:19:46.375 --> 00:19:48.025
And now it's hurting your marriage.

00:19:48.265 --> 00:19:48.565
That's right.

00:19:48.569 --> 00:19:54.234
You're short, you're, you're comparing your, you're comparing your spouse to something that happened 10 years ago.

00:19:54.474 --> 00:19:54.954
That's right.

00:19:54.984 --> 00:19:56.424
More than like over and over.

00:19:56.454 --> 00:19:56.954
That's right.

00:19:56.960 --> 00:19:57.204
Right.

00:19:57.204 --> 00:20:00.414
And that's that's also the dangers of, of living that lifestyle.

00:20:00.414 --> 00:20:02.515
It's also the dangers of pornography Yes.

00:20:02.575 --> 00:20:09.204
Is that you, you see all, like for men, you see all those boobs, you're going to, you're going to look and you're gonna compare that to your wife.

00:20:09.535 --> 00:20:09.894
That's right.

00:20:10.105 --> 00:20:10.375
Right.

00:20:10.375 --> 00:20:11.605
And that's, that's unfair.

00:20:12.444 --> 00:20:14.355
And it, it's incredibly degrading.

00:20:14.845 --> 00:20:17.214
Right, right.

00:20:17.214 --> 00:20:19.884
So as a woman that.

00:20:20.859 --> 00:20:32.240
That would be horrible to be compared to a supermodel who, you know, has never had kids or honestly, like, works really hard to attain a.

00:20:32.400 --> 00:20:33.839
Her physique and things like that.

00:20:33.839 --> 00:20:35.579
And not everyone's created like that.

00:20:35.579 --> 00:20:36.059
Mm-hmm.

00:20:36.309 --> 00:20:36.660
Right.

00:20:36.779 --> 00:20:44.339
And I think that, you know, you know what you married, you know, what you sort of signed up for, right?

00:20:44.339 --> 00:20:44.349
Yeah.

00:20:44.349 --> 00:20:53.220
And, you know, babies change things and if you're one of those people that, that, you know has really good genetics as far as your physique goes, that's awesome.

00:20:53.400 --> 00:20:54.059
Good for you.

00:20:54.119 --> 00:20:58.019
But the majority of the population doesn't have that.

00:20:58.619 --> 00:21:10.815
And so, You letting your mind go to those places and allowing that to determine the happiness or the fulfillment that you have in your relationship.

00:21:11.424 --> 00:21:13.974
I think you're gonna be really sad, right?

00:21:14.305 --> 00:21:16.315
It's, there is no win-win

00:21:16.615 --> 00:21:20.154
because you like, and it's not, it's not even that.

00:21:20.414 --> 00:21:21.714
Let let, I'm gonna say it like this.

00:21:21.714 --> 00:21:23.424
It's not even that in the relationship.

00:21:23.424 --> 00:21:24.865
You don't love the person that you're with.

00:21:24.865 --> 00:21:24.924
No.

00:21:24.954 --> 00:21:27.325
You genuinely love the person that you're with.

00:21:28.109 --> 00:21:35.880
But if you have your mind filled up with all kinds of things, other things before you get married, it's gonna follow you until you deal with it when you do get married.

00:21:35.884 --> 00:21:36.101
That's right.

00:21:36.105 --> 00:21:37.589
There's consequences for your actions.

00:21:37.595 --> 00:21:37.799
A hundred

00:21:37.805 --> 00:21:38.099
percent.

00:21:38.190 --> 00:21:40.740
And this isn't just for those who aren't married yet.

00:21:40.980 --> 00:21:43.859
This is something we have to watch while married.

00:21:44.190 --> 00:21:44.549
Yeah.

00:21:44.869 --> 00:21:45.500
Right, right.

00:21:45.500 --> 00:21:48.869
Because it's, it's not, you know, oh well we've made it past 10 years.

00:21:48.869 --> 00:21:50.279
So we're like, oh, thank God.

00:21:50.549 --> 00:21:50.700
No.

00:21:50.700 --> 00:21:52.890
You might have made it past a statistic.

00:21:53.470 --> 00:21:55.599
But this still will creep its ugly face.

00:21:56.569 --> 00:21:58.190
All throughout your relationship, right?

00:21:58.190 --> 00:21:59.839
It's one of those sneaky things, right?

00:21:59.839 --> 00:22:08.329
Where all of a sudden you allow a door to open, however that comes, and then you begin to look at your partner differently, right?

00:22:08.660 --> 00:22:13.789
And you begin to almost covet what someone else has because

00:22:14.029 --> 00:22:15.950
your wife doesn't have it or your spouse doesn't have

00:22:15.950 --> 00:22:16.069
it.

00:22:16.130 --> 00:22:16.519
That's right.

00:22:16.519 --> 00:22:22.609
And it keeps you your focus off of what really matters, and that's the person that you're with right on it.

00:22:22.670 --> 00:22:23.779
And it has an unhealthy.

00:22:24.980 --> 00:22:26.450
Obsession Right.

00:22:26.900 --> 00:22:29.869
Over what isn't yours and what's not ever going to be yours.

00:22:30.170 --> 00:22:30.410
Yeah.

00:22:30.769 --> 00:22:41.809
And, and, and overall, again, back and all of this leads back to the very first thing that we said is Syd, this actually creates unrealistic expectations in your relationship.

00:22:42.170 --> 00:22:42.769
A hundred percent.

00:22:43.430 --> 00:22:46.269
And and it, this was in your control.

00:22:46.269 --> 00:22:47.079
Here's the thing.

00:22:47.140 --> 00:22:47.410
Yeah.

00:22:48.369 --> 00:22:52.269
You control what thoughts you allow.

00:22:52.630 --> 00:22:54.220
You control your actions.

00:22:54.220 --> 00:22:59.109
You control what you watch, what you see, what you do read that is in your control, what you read.

00:22:59.109 --> 00:22:59.170
Yeah.

00:22:59.710 --> 00:23:01.869
You know where your gaze goes.

00:23:02.299 --> 00:23:04.750
What what, what am I thinking of here?

00:23:05.109 --> 00:23:07.980
What input from other people you're allowing in.

00:23:07.984 --> 00:23:08.140
Yep.

00:23:08.700 --> 00:23:08.910
Yep.

00:23:09.299 --> 00:23:10.319
That's in your control.

00:23:10.470 --> 00:23:11.400
And that all matters.

00:23:12.000 --> 00:23:12.359
Right?

00:23:12.359 --> 00:23:13.859
And so you have a choice.

00:23:14.130 --> 00:23:14.369
Yep.

00:23:14.609 --> 00:23:14.910
Right.

00:23:14.914 --> 00:23:16.500
There's a better way.

00:23:17.279 --> 00:23:17.609
Yeah.

00:23:17.730 --> 00:23:17.970
Right.

00:23:17.970 --> 00:23:23.460
Grass is greener On the other side is an indicator that you probably need to water your own grass,

00:23:23.609 --> 00:23:23.970
right?

00:23:24.299 --> 00:23:33.599
And it, it's so easy right now in the current world that we live in, to not fight for your relationship.

00:23:34.170 --> 00:23:35.369
Then just to let it go.

00:23:36.210 --> 00:23:38.730
Be like, I'm not happy with how this is going.

00:23:38.730 --> 00:23:40.410
You don't look the way I want you to look.

00:23:40.680 --> 00:23:42.390
You don't behave the way I want you to behave.

00:23:42.394 --> 00:23:44.009
You don't act the way I want you to act.

00:23:44.369 --> 00:23:45.869
You're not who I married.

00:23:45.990 --> 00:23:47.099
I've heard that one before.

00:23:47.160 --> 00:23:47.220
No.

00:23:47.220 --> 00:23:47.819
Yeah, right.

00:23:47.825 --> 00:23:50.069
Of course she's not who you married or he's not who you married.

00:23:50.069 --> 00:23:51.270
They're, you've been together for five years.

00:23:51.276 --> 00:23:52.079
People grow and

00:23:52.079 --> 00:23:53.519
mature and change, and you would hope.

00:23:53.954 --> 00:23:55.275
They wouldn't be the same.

00:23:55.275 --> 00:23:55.335
Yeah.

00:23:55.335 --> 00:23:55.454
You

00:23:55.454 --> 00:24:02.744
don't wanna marry someone at 20 years old who's a partyer and you're party, you're with her, and then you grew up into, Hey, I'm gonna go to work every day and raise my kids, and that person's still partying.

00:24:02.744 --> 00:24:02.835
Right?

00:24:03.194 --> 00:24:05.234
Like, just like you want to mature your girl.

00:24:05.595 --> 00:24:13.005
What I mean though is that right now marriage is in such a, it's being attacked constantly.

00:24:13.009 --> 00:24:16.244
Well, and it's just, you know, I'm just trying you on.

00:24:17.214 --> 00:24:25.634
And if I don't like it, it that's okay of, oh, this is not gonna work out anyway, so I'm gonna like glean what I don't want or glean what I do want for the second one.

00:24:25.664 --> 00:24:25.904
Yeah.

00:24:26.279 --> 00:24:26.640
Right.

00:24:26.640 --> 00:24:28.069
And that's just a lot of work.

00:24:28.519 --> 00:24:29.690
It a hundred percent is a lot of work.

00:24:29.980 --> 00:24:30.299
Right?

00:24:30.305 --> 00:24:30.529
Right.

00:24:30.529 --> 00:24:40.039
And so if you wanna put that much effort into the first relationship being a throwaway, how about like what could happen if you actually put that amount of effort in that relationship?

00:24:40.130 --> 00:24:40.430
Right.

00:24:41.539 --> 00:24:41.839
Wow.

00:24:42.259 --> 00:24:51.650
I think my final thought and thought I had for everyone today is just one, go back and listen to our very first episode we ever did, and my final thought was, is.

00:24:52.835 --> 00:24:58.444
Like work your way out of comparing your spouse to other people.

00:24:58.744 --> 00:24:59.224
A hundred percent.

00:24:59.464 --> 00:25:08.464
And I think that eventually in this series we're probably, we are gonna get to a place, we're gonna talk about how we can actually break through those barriers and how to stop comparing your spouse to other people.

00:25:08.734 --> 00:25:10.115
We'll give you some practical steps right now.

00:25:10.115 --> 00:25:12.545
We just wanna go through some of the issues and that's really good.

00:25:12.545 --> 00:25:13.565
Any final thoughts from you?

00:25:18.125 --> 00:25:18.335
No.

00:25:18.904 --> 00:25:21.244
Well, Here's the thing, right?

00:25:21.244 --> 00:25:24.575
We want, everyone wants to be fully known and fully loved, right?

00:25:24.575 --> 00:25:24.845
Absolutely.

00:25:24.845 --> 00:25:32.315
And so creating an environment with your significant other where the, there's trust.

00:25:32.525 --> 00:25:32.704
Yep.

00:25:32.855 --> 00:25:35.275
Where there is honor mm-hmm.

00:25:35.634 --> 00:25:37.894
And where there is integrity mm-hmm.

00:25:39.115 --> 00:25:40.615
And it's not insecure.

00:25:40.619 --> 00:25:40.904
Right?

00:25:40.910 --> 00:25:41.214
Right.

00:25:41.275 --> 00:25:47.335
Like my goal with you is to make sure that you don't have to second guess anything that I'm doing.

00:25:47.515 --> 00:25:47.815
Right.

00:25:48.055 --> 00:25:48.474
And, and

00:25:48.474 --> 00:25:49.045
vice versa.

00:25:49.134 --> 00:25:49.345
Right.

00:25:49.704 --> 00:25:52.345
And so we, that's important to us.

00:25:52.404 --> 00:26:04.934
That is something that we've established as, as sort of a rule of thumb or a boundary in our relationship of you will know what I'm, what I'm up to, so that you don't feel insecure.

00:26:05.279 --> 00:26:09.619
And so that I don't sort of put you in a place of just wondering.

00:26:09.890 --> 00:26:10.250
Right?

00:26:10.940 --> 00:26:11.539
Absolutely.

00:26:12.170 --> 00:26:12.380
Wow.

00:26:12.380 --> 00:26:14.180
We, I love these.

00:26:14.180 --> 00:26:14.990
This is gonna be set.

00:26:14.990 --> 00:26:21.890
This is a great series, what we're into and really looking forward to completing this and seeing if you have any questions or anything like that.

00:26:22.289 --> 00:26:22.730
Just let us know.

00:26:23.130 --> 00:26:27.420
It really, if you love this podcast, like we love making it and you really.

00:26:27.934 --> 00:26:29.115
It means a lot to us.

00:26:29.115 --> 00:26:32.414
When you share it, when you like it, when you pass it on to other people, let'em know.

00:26:32.414 --> 00:26:33.765
This is all about helping people.

00:26:33.795 --> 00:26:33.884
Mm-hmm.

00:26:34.125 --> 00:26:35.894
Equipping people, giving you more options.

00:26:35.894 --> 00:26:41.835
You can find this on Facebook and Instagram, and again, we say this all the time, if there's a topic or a question or even something.

00:26:43.005 --> 00:26:49.575
Think in the last episode we said if you have a testimony of breaking away from comparison or have something you wanna share, send it to us.

00:26:49.605 --> 00:26:52.605
We'll open it and we'll read it onto the the podcast.

00:26:52.664 --> 00:26:52.755
Mm-hmm.

00:26:53.055 --> 00:26:54.855
Keeping your name anonymous if that's what you want.

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But we'd love to hear from each and every one of you as much as we can.

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If you have any questions, this email@amplifiedmarriagedot.com, amplified marriage gmail.com.

00:27:05.855 --> 00:27:07.005
I can speak English.

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And as you have heard us say many times, we believe that your marriage can be reset, refreshed, recharged, and

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restored.

00:27:15.960 --> 00:27:16.710
Thanks for listening.

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Talk to you soon.