July 17, 2023
Season 3 Ep. 5// "The Silent Strain: The Hidden Costs of Tension in Marriage"
Do you find yourself constantly battling headaches, struggling with sleep disorders, or dealing with anxiety?
What if we told you that unresolved issues in your relationships might be the hidden culprit behind these health problems?
We share some of our own experiences, revealing how our destructive patterns took years to recognize and even longer to change.
We'll discuss the fight, flight, or freeze response in stressful situations and its implications on our mental and physical health. We hope to offer a fresh perspective on how stress, conflict, and avoidance can affect not just your relationship dynamics, but your overall health.
Tune in for a conversation that might just change your approach to conflict resolution forever.
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WEBVTT
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Malcolm X said this usually, when people are said they don't do anything, they just cry all over their condition, but when they get angry, they bring about a change.
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We are talking about avoiding problems and avoiding issues in the relationship and the actual physical manifestations, the stress, the things that come with you not actually dealing with problems and bringing about change in the relationship and actually bringing things to resolution.
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We know through science and studies that there is physical symptoms that actually bring a wedge between you and your spouse, you and your partner, you and your fiance, when you do not bring things to resolution, and some of those symptoms are headaches, upset stomachs, elevated blood pressure, chest pains, maybe you have problems sleeping, there's low energy, there's stomach problems, got acne, anxiety disorders, burnout, depression, diabetes, digestive issues.
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You get the point.
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If you're avoiding issues in your relationship, they may be.
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Something may not happen now, but it may affect you a little bit later.
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Welcome to another episode of Amplified Marriage.
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I am Brian, I'm Natalie, wherever you are, whatever you're doing, you hear this say all the time grab a coffee, grab some tea, get comfy.
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But today we're talking about something that is actually extremely important to relationships and to marriages and just to actually being better communicators.
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And it's important to us because we have lived in this state for a long time and sometimes even now, being married, you know, for 22 years it still tries to creep back in and you, the tendency to want to revert to old ways of doing things isn't gone completely.
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Like we, I still have to make a conscious choice to not resort to old patterns of destructive behavior and even, as you were mentioning, you know some of the ailments that come from an increased state of tension and stress.
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I could not help but be like like check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check.
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And we're going to talk about that because, as we've been researching and you know we're not doctors and we're not clinicians and you know, super grateful that other people are wired and gifted in those areas to be able to bring about the research that we're going to talk about today One of the things is is stress and what that does to our mental state, our emotional state, our spiritual state, our physical state, and how that applies to conflict resolution and just being in a state of being able to assert yourself in communication and not and hopefully, I don't know maybe go as far as saying resolve some of these issues, if these are a lot of issues that are stemming from a state of tension and stress or at least being willing to face them maybe.
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Maybe that's the like in.
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Here's the thing.
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Like today, this particular episode is really just a snapshot, like an intro into what we believe is a real problem for so many marriages.
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And we're talking about this like why is this so important that we discuss?
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Because we see marriages that are actually struggling in their relationship because they're not maybe they're confronting the issue in some cases, and in some cases we see couples that that we know, that we coach, that aren't actually addressing the issues.
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So you have both sides.
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You got people that are confronting the problem but never coming to resolution, and those that are avoiding the problem and still not coming to resolution.
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And it still brings about the same result as there's no resolution and there's stress.
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And so why is it so?
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Because people it's so important, because people in your relationships, if you're not dealing with them, it can cause it, it'll cause undue stress, like some of the things that I read, like the physical ailments, and then, as we go in the next few episodes, what actually is so important and why you deal with it.
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Like the now there's emotional and you said spiritual, there's physical, there's mental health.
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That all gets wrapped up into not dealing with it.
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And so important because it can lead to, ultimately it may bring you to a place where your relationship fails because you just avoided the issues instead of dealing with and I don't like this is the thing you hear that saying, oh, we just swept it under the rug.
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Well, the problem with sweeping under the rug is that eventually that rug turns into a giant pile and it's just filled with all the problems that you've just lifted up the rug and shoved it underneath and it's got.
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Now it's got anger and anxiety and abandonment and frustration and bitterness and rage and all kinds of things that are just piled high because you didn't want to deal with it.
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That may cause so much problems that you can't come back to a healthy relationship which.
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I say that, but we always really believe that almost every relationship can be restored.
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Yes, and stress worsens your situation.
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It can worsen the symptoms that you're feeling like it amplifies, like amplified marriage.
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In the wrong way, and it can also worsen certain diseases that you might already have.
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Right like, not everything is caused by stress, but a lot of things are induced by stress.
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Right and, that being said, like when you don't come to that resolution and even in some of our preparing there was something that we heard.
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It was the fight, flight or freeze, and it harms your body to constantly be in a state where you're your fight or your flight or you're in a freeze.
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That's right, because you're you know, your adrenal glands, or your adrenaline right is is constantly firing, your cortisol levels are skyrocket, which you know isn't great for health, and, like your organs and things like that, you're always in a state of am I ready to fight for my life?
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Am I ready to run for my life or am I freezing because I'm paralyzed by fear?
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Right, and there's some physiological issues that happen when our bodies are in a constant state of that.
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So which one do you think you are or?
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were.
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Or were.
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Where would be the better way to approach this?
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Between the three.
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Yeah.
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Fight.
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You think you were the fight.
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Yeah, what you not agree?
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No, not at all.
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What do you think I was?
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You were the fight.
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What.
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For the longest time in a relationship.
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I would want to deal with things and you would just.
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Oh, oh, oh okay, I see I'm talking about like when I was under stress though.
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Yeah, that's true.
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Now I'd say I'd be fight, no, no, because I'm always fight.
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I'm like which drives you bananas?
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Cause I'm ready just to face.
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In retrospect it was probably flight or freeze or just shut down.
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Yeah, oh yeah, shut down was a big part of your repertoire of what to do is like flight, or I just don't want to talk to you because you're at and let's be honest, like it's not, like I was like super good at, like we need to have.
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You know how you see it in the movies when two people are really healthy in their relationship.
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Or you're reading a book and they're like you know what?
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I think you and I need to have a chat and you're like, okay, let's go have a chat and they just calmly talk things through and at the end there's at the end there's this, this moment, and the cameras just zooming onto their faces and there's just pure love.
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No, usually by the end of our let's have a chat, it was a screaming match and we ended up like I slept on the couch or you slipped into, like that sunset and your rath thing didn't really work out for us Sometimes.
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No, and I highly doubt we're alone.
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Yeah, right, that's true.
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And I mean our.
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One of our major huge struggles and biggest tension, stress and issues in our marriage was finances, and we had mentioned in several of our earlier podcasts about that being kind of one of the major Cause.
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We was broke and we didn't spend well when we had money.
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That's right.
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You know, we did not steward our money well because we had an unhealthy relationship with our money, right.
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And so what we're saying is that this is the beginning of what we hope is going to be an informative few episodes that are really going to help you and your partner your spouse figures some stuff out and actually resolves submission and understand why that there's actual like you can say, like I'm I'm the king of like.
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I can deal with stress, but I've noticed in my older age I can actually handle way more than I could when I was younger.
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But I also am much more aware of what things are causing me stress and what is it Right and maybe you are in a position where you're like cool, I, I've been feeling some of these things Right that we've been talking about and the hope is that maybe you can have a light bulb moment of like.
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Maybe I am stressed out, maybe there is tension here that I didn't realize could be a contributing factor.
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Absolutely Obviously, we will never say do seek medical attention.
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Yeah.
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Absolutely, if you're experiencing chest pains and you're experiencing um digestive issues and exciting attacks go see a doctor.
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We cannot stress that enough.
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We just want to, we want to go through some of these things.
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There are their actual physical, uh like physical manifestations and some of the language that we were reading.
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Under stress, your heart pumps faster, uh.
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Stress hormones uh cause your blood vessels to constrict and you divert more oxygen to your muscles, so you have more strength to take, take action.
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But it also raises your blood pressure and the result frequent or chronic stress, will make your work, your heart work, too hard for too long.
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Right.
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And if you already have like, say you have chronic heart issues because your family like genetically, this isn't good for you.
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No.
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Right and what.
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What we're seeing is even in the studies for people that are doing heart stress or just life stress, is that even if you didn't have a chronic issue, you can actually stress yourself into having chronic problems.
00:10:45.905 --> 00:10:49.546
Yes, and, like I would say, heart palpitations as well.
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That was my own experience when, I was when I get stressed or filled with anxiety or fear or or that, um, how can I describe it?
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Like a narrowing in.
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I get chest tightness and chest or heart palpitations where my heart is like you're almost like going into a, um, hyperventilating, like hyperventilating where you just can't control your breathing and things like that, right.
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So for me that also um is a symptom.
00:11:26.791 --> 00:11:30.224
Yeah, Right, Well, and that's even some of the things that we read.
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That's actually fairly normal.
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That's like having an anxiety attack your heart's palp, everything's.
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Your heart's palpating, palpating.
00:11:37.149 --> 00:11:37.570
Yes, right.
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Um, another article we read says stress induces chronic immune activation, which essentially just means that you trigger your immune system to function and fire at a level it's not supposed to.
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And it's fighting the wrong thing.
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It's fighting the wrong things.
00:11:57.033 --> 00:12:25.044
Yes, and what they had said, which I thought was so fascinating, was that it alters health outcomes that resemble those seen in chronic inflammatory diseases such as rheumatoid arthritis, which I was floored when I read that that your response to stress and tension can actually alter health outcomes and resemble other illnesses and other implement, like inflammation, illnesses, which is just mind boggling.
00:12:25.086 --> 00:12:32.187
That, for those of us that you know, live in that state of nervousness, live in that state of always.
00:12:32.187 --> 00:12:44.631
You're on edge, like the amount of what's the word I'm looking for, like the burden that you're putting your body through.
00:12:44.631 --> 00:12:48.589
It's just, it's overwhelming.
00:12:48.629 --> 00:12:59.620
I like how you said it, it's the burden you're putting your body through, partially because of the the stress around you, but because you get to a certain place, you're just choosing this, because that's what you know.
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You don't know anything else right right and I.
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That's altered immune function.
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It can exacerbate symptoms in both physical or physical and physiological illnesses.
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We got all of our information, or some of our information, from psychology today and the American psychological association Super detailed and what they had here.
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We're gonna be referencing them a few times.
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Yeah, a few times.
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I thought it was one of the most fascinating things I had read, as someone who Suffered with anxiety and I was always at a heightened level- for everything for everything.
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It didn't matter what it was.
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It could be non triggering.
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Triggering there was always an undercurrent of anxiety, and what this is from a 2016 article from psychology today says this beware of the exterior in yourself or Others, because here we go.
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Anger is a primary emotion underlying Anxiety right.
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I remember when, when I read this the other day, I was just like you have got to be kidding me, right.
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That that's sort of like the undercurrent of anxiety is a state of anger.
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It was surprising to me right, well it's.
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It shouldn't be like Even in psychology.
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They look a minute, what do we know?
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Like it's see, if my, my response isn't fight, flight or freeze.
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It was always fight.
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I only had one, and it was always to fight with everything.
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And whenever I get and still to this Day, when I get to a certain level of stress, I just get angry and and how I and how I face my stress is by dealing with the Problem, but in not necessarily always healthily like dealing with angrily right.
00:14:51.190 --> 00:15:03.187
And anger is such a powerful motion and and when you're not, if you don't deal with your anger properly and you don't like have a proper outlet or learn how to manage it, or learn how to be like here's the thing that the world doesn't want to hear right now.
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Or current current culture is like if you have anger, that's that's okay, man, like it's it's okay that you feel these things.
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You don't need to control that.
00:15:09.485 --> 00:15:09.868
No, no, no.
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There needs to be a as a man, as a man I'm saying this as a man you need to control yourself.
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You need to have self-discipline.
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You need to be disciplined enough to know that, hey, I'm angry and not lash out so do women.
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Yes, but I can't say that to you because you're a woman and like I need you to control your temper right, I know I need to control my temper.
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Well, the only here's the funny thing is your temper.
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I know how mad you are by how much French you speak to me.
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In the moment, I think that's how.
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That's how I know things are Going poorly, as if I get the French right.
00:15:39.725 --> 00:15:41.668
So anger is a super powerful emotion.
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It is something you, if not dealt with, then it'll control your life.
00:15:48.081 --> 00:15:50.230
Collins dictionary defines tension as this.
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We're kind of on the anxiety topic here tension is the feeling that is produced in a situation when people are anxious and do not trust each other and when there is a Possibility of sudden violence or conflict.
00:16:03.748 --> 00:16:05.653
So that's Collins dictionary.
00:16:05.653 --> 00:16:10.359
It's definition of tension, which I was just like this Just so there's no.
00:16:10.359 --> 00:16:15.128
This is just gonna get better if we keep this attitude of tension.
00:16:15.307 --> 00:16:18.033
Did you ever fear that I was gonna be violent?
00:16:19.918 --> 00:16:20.099
No.
00:16:21.057 --> 00:16:30.230
But you knew that you were going to be facing conflict yes, not violence, and the tough part about this is that that may not be our story.
00:16:30.450 --> 00:16:48.335
But that may be someone else's, but that definitely is someone else's story where they fear that the anger because it might come with violence or some sort of violence, whether it's verbal abuse or emotional abuse or physical abuse like there's something that happens if you're not dealing with your anger.
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And often, but not always often men struggle that a lot more than women.
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I would say yes, in our experience.
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Yes, I, and we didn't grab a statistic for how many percentage of men versus women.
00:17:02.445 --> 00:17:03.567
Yeah, right, go with that route.
00:17:03.567 --> 00:17:06.682
But I know that that was definitely my problem.
00:17:06.682 --> 00:17:08.217
It was very much.
00:17:08.217 --> 00:17:09.240
It was an anger.
00:17:09.501 --> 00:17:20.619
Yeah, and there's lots of women that are just like that, right, and I think there's an increase or maybe not an increase, but more of an open awareness to men who suffer violence.
00:17:20.921 --> 00:17:21.102
Right.
00:17:21.835 --> 00:17:22.298
From women.
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Psychology today also says these terrible choose so that's anxiety and anxiety and anger or the terrible choose, increase your vulnerability to illnesses, especially upper respiratory, because it compromises your immune system, it exacerbates your pain and increases the risk of death from cardiovascular disease and from all sources of death.
00:17:44.359 --> 00:17:50.182
Wow, like if that doesn't kind of alert you or wake you up.
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Anger is more than an emotion.
00:17:52.607 --> 00:17:55.423
It's a conduit that intensifies anxiety.
00:17:55.522 --> 00:18:16.887
Yeah, and we know, we know someone in particular that lives their whole life on anxiety and anger and they're constantly sick, they're constantly have physical health problems and they go to the doctor all the time and they never, ever, get any resolution as to what's going on.
00:18:16.887 --> 00:18:20.324
The doctor says stress and they don't want to believe it, but they're just.
00:18:20.324 --> 00:18:26.144
They live in anger and anxiety and when you talk about it, it's just anger and it's constant, it's constant, it's constant.
00:18:26.144 --> 00:18:29.871
Been a doctor many, many times and there's never any health resolutions for it.
00:18:30.335 --> 00:18:31.900
Or tools to cope with it.
00:18:32.402 --> 00:18:32.623
Right.
00:18:33.154 --> 00:18:36.403
Sometimes like you're launched in a situation that is not your doing.
00:18:36.403 --> 00:18:37.444
Yeah, Absolutely.
00:18:37.444 --> 00:18:41.115
And that's what happens when things happen to you.
00:18:41.115 --> 00:18:50.565
These effects of tension and stress are like it doesn't differentiate between if something was inflicted upon you or you inflicted it upon yourself.
00:18:50.565 --> 00:18:50.805
Right?
00:18:50.805 --> 00:18:53.862
The end result is the same tension and stress.
00:18:53.862 --> 00:19:02.839
This is what happens, and if you find yourself in a place where you you need to get help in order to be able to see right.
00:19:03.115 --> 00:19:14.405
Hey, this is the result of this or this is a result of something that you have allowed or that you kind of put on yourself, or that was inflicted upon you without your wanting.
00:19:14.405 --> 00:19:22.907
Seeing a therapist, seeing a psychologist or a counselor or anything so valuable.
00:19:23.414 --> 00:19:35.576
Well and like even if we were to, just as as you're talking, just kind of breaking down this thing the the stress that's easier to leave unless you struggle with just taking on everything.
00:19:36.076 --> 00:20:03.904
But a stress that's easier to leave is, say, stress that's environmental, like you go to work, you have to deal with your job from nine to five or whatever that happens to be that stress you can leave at work, like you should be able to leave that at work, right, like sometimes it comes home but but oftentimes that stress is is something that is external and like an external stress that you have to deal with, but it's not emotional, it's not taking up rent in your head or taking up space in your head.
00:20:03.914 --> 00:20:27.230
There's not renting a spot in your head, but sometimes, oftentimes, marriage issues that are compounded or relationship issues or even friend to friend issues, because they're more emotional and they're more it's not an external issue, it's an actual relational thing between me and you is that when we can't resolve this issue, it causes tension and that actually does rent space in your head.
00:20:27.230 --> 00:20:27.570
That's right.
00:20:27.570 --> 00:20:29.071
It does take space up in your heart.
00:20:29.071 --> 00:20:31.624
It actually affects the things, because it's not something I can just leave.
00:20:31.624 --> 00:20:32.416
I was like I have to.
00:20:32.416 --> 00:20:44.401
I go to work, and which is what happens with people is that, instead of using like going to work so it aids you in your relationship, when you come home with your wife, they're going to work to hide from what's happening at home.
00:20:45.143 --> 00:20:45.284
Right.
00:20:45.324 --> 00:20:46.547
Which is what I did for a long time.
00:20:46.547 --> 00:20:50.858
I went to work, worked 15 hours a day, six, seven days a week, so I didn't have to deal with what was going on at home.
00:20:50.858 --> 00:20:53.856
But there's that part, but those things.
00:20:53.856 --> 00:21:05.637
What happens is that, because they're piling up, it's external, it actually does take up space and then it begins to sap your energy and it saps how you make decisions and it saps all of that, because it's not an external problem, it's an internal issue.
00:21:05.698 --> 00:21:06.461
Now, that's right.
00:21:06.461 --> 00:21:14.715
And it's not just big things like finances or having children or a diagnosis, it's.
00:21:14.715 --> 00:21:17.604
It's like let me talk to the people pleasers out there.
00:21:17.824 --> 00:21:18.005
Yeah.
00:21:19.435 --> 00:21:46.787
Like I refer to myself as a recovering people pleaser, because the amount of stress and anxiety and tension that is that is created by my own doing, of the motivation behind why I'm doing certain things because out of a fear that they won't like me or they will judge me or this or that or that, like your brain is constantly over firing.
00:21:46.787 --> 00:22:01.164
My brain was and it was just like the almost make myself sick, trying to be all things to all people and the thought of not being able to fulfill that role that no one put me in but myself.
00:22:01.164 --> 00:22:02.925
Right was just.
00:22:02.925 --> 00:22:20.616
I'm not that I would rather die, but it's overwhelming like that that you feel like you will, you know, implode if you don't live up to those expectations that no one put on you.
00:22:21.450 --> 00:22:24.415
Or, in my case, anyways, for people pleasers in particular.
00:22:24.589 --> 00:22:30.634
Yeah, right, and so this is that thing of like nothing was inflicted upon me.
00:22:30.634 --> 00:22:34.210
I inflicted those um which.
00:22:34.210 --> 00:22:35.957
Which actually expectations.
00:22:35.977 --> 00:22:42.318
That's where I'm looking for which actually was really hard for you and I to deal with at some points, because I am not a people pleaser.
00:22:42.558 --> 00:22:42.700
No.
00:22:43.410 --> 00:22:48.660
And you were, and you would do things, and I would never understand why are you doing that?
00:22:48.660 --> 00:22:52.851
It doesn't matter if that person is happy or not, like that.
00:22:52.851 --> 00:22:54.016
That's not good for you.
00:22:54.016 --> 00:23:05.134
It's better for them, for sure, and it's actually causing you both stress and it would, and I would, and I would say that and I wouldn't argue with you or fight with you about it, and it just caused undue stress.
00:23:05.134 --> 00:23:06.118
Cause I'm not a people pleaser.
00:23:06.118 --> 00:23:09.119
I'm like why did we have to do it this way?
00:23:09.119 --> 00:23:13.278
This, this doesn't make any sense and and it just was really tough at certain points.
00:23:13.849 --> 00:23:20.180
And setting healthy boundaries at the beginning created tension and stress because it was so overwhelming.
00:23:20.180 --> 00:23:28.176
And I remember my counselor saying what is the worst thing that could happen if you say no, right, and I was like, oh, that's a loaded gun.
00:23:28.217 --> 00:23:29.059
They might not like me.
00:23:29.395 --> 00:23:30.128
That's a loaded question.
00:23:30.128 --> 00:23:36.194
I might be disowned, I might like right and you go through all of these things that have not happened.
00:23:36.476 --> 00:23:36.696
Right.
00:23:37.289 --> 00:23:54.440
But these are the processes that you have to walk through and I'm at a place now where I can say no, and it is my favorite word because it's empowering right when you can get to a place of it, of realizing that setting healthy boundaries is not a bad thing.
00:23:54.440 --> 00:23:54.911
It's not.
00:23:55.010 --> 00:24:14.395
It shouldn't induce stress and tension and and the other thing is is that if you don't resolve them, that emotional pull, that emotional fight, that emotional strain that you're experiencing, it really does spill over into all aspects of your life.
00:24:14.395 --> 00:24:17.696
It goes or life goes into your work, it goes into your relationships, your church.
00:24:17.990 --> 00:24:20.318
Depression comes in full.
00:24:20.318 --> 00:24:24.578
It's like right after that, if you don't deal with it and you don't resolve it.
00:24:24.578 --> 00:24:29.935
And I and I, I lived it.
00:24:30.438 --> 00:24:30.618
Right.
00:24:31.250 --> 00:24:40.276
You brought this sense of like utter hopelessness, and you're so beat down that there doesn't seem to be a way up, and so you just perpetuate this cycle.
00:24:41.029 --> 00:24:45.191
Yeah, do you remember like there's a portion here that we're?
00:24:45.191 --> 00:24:48.353
I think we should actually talk about the effect that I had on our kids.
00:24:48.353 --> 00:24:50.816
Are we willing one of our episodes?
00:24:50.816 --> 00:25:08.455
But we, the constant fighting and the stress and the stuff that we're going to, it becomes a problem and can cause issues actually in your children and like behavioral issues and there might be chronic issues because they're so stressed out because you two are constantly in conflict.
00:25:08.455 --> 00:25:14.414
Right, and there's something that was said in one of these articles I think it was in the APA one.
00:25:14.414 --> 00:25:24.659
Often children whose parents aren't happy in their marriages tend to act out or misbehave as a way of expressing their feelings Because they're not being heard, they're not being seen, they're not being valued.
00:25:25.352 --> 00:25:26.635
And it's scary to have the kind of thing.
00:25:26.635 --> 00:25:27.097
Do you remember?
00:25:28.589 --> 00:25:29.488
In the Walmart parking lot.
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