Oct. 23, 2023
Season 3 Ep. 6 // "The Silent Strain: How Fear Fuels Tension"
Fear. It's a strong feeling that can really mess with our relationships. Today, we're going to focus on this emotion that people often ignore but can cause a lot of stress. We'll look at the different ways it shows up and how it can create problems. Together, we'll dig deeper to understand how being scared of change, the unknown, or money issues can lead to bad habits in relationships and life in general. Don't forget, no one is safe from this—we'll also talk about our own ups and downs in de...
Fear. It's a strong feeling that can really mess with our relationships. Today, we're going to focus on this emotion that people often ignore but can cause a lot of stress. We'll look at the different ways it shows up and how it can create problems. Together, we'll dig deeper to understand how being scared of change, the unknown, or money issues can lead to bad habits in relationships and life in general. Don't forget, no one is safe from this—we'll also talk about our own ups and downs in dealing with fear.
Let's get into those nagging "what if?" questions. We've all done it—making up complicated stories in our heads and getting lost in fake outcomes. But let's be real, these made-up situations usually just add more stress and worry, making our relationships confusing and uncertain. So, what can we do to take back control? How can we stop our relationships from getting messed up because of fear? We've got some useful tips and advice, so get ready for an important and eye-opening chat. We're all going through this, and don't forget—you're not alone.
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00:01 - Dealing With Fear in Relationships
13:09 - The Impact of What-if Scenarios
19:34 - Unnecessary Stress and Anxiety From Scenarios
WEBVTT
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Have you ever wondered why you do the things that you do, why the decisions that you make, the actions that you have, the way you respond to your family, the way you respond to your husband or to your wife?
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Do you ever wonder why you do those things?
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Sometimes our decisions are so driven by fear Fear of change, fear of the unknown.
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Fear, fear, fear.
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That's what we oftentimes are making decisions and living our lives based out is fear.
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We want to touch on that for the next little while and we're going to give some practical solutions about what it means to deal with fear in the relationship.
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Welcome to another episode of Amplified Marriage.
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I'm Natalie.
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And I'm Bryan.
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I'm going to say this every podcast.
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Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, gravity, grab a coffee, grab a seat on the couch, warm, cozy blanket.
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We're so glad you joined us for our chat today.
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Absolutely.
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If you missed it, which has been a little bit a while ago we actually were uh, want you to go back and take a listen to our last one, which is talking about the physical effects that tension has on the body and tension in marriage and how just holding that stress is a constant issue in the body.
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We laid out all kinds of things.
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So, if you missed it, go back, listen to the one about tension and, uh, if you have any comments or anything you want to add to it or say or just challenge us on, please email us and we'd love to hear from you.
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What are we talking about today?
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Today we're talking about sort of what causes the tension.
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So I think we started backwards in the last podcast where we kind of went through um the physical manifestations and some of the things that you might be feeling as a result of tension in your body.
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So now we're going to break down, uh, in this series that we're bringing forth now, what are some of the reasons?
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Some of the um, big ticket items, I guess you could say that contribute to that tension that you might be feeling right in your marriage and relationship.
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Absolutely Even what I said in the opening.
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I just I think back to when we were early married, just how everything was based around financial fear.
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Like we had no money.
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Um, how are we going to pay for rent?
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How are we going to pay for food?
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How are we going to pay for gas?
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Um, then we started having kids.
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How are we going to pay for diapers?
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How are we going to?
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and so fears didn't go away because, we're 22 years married in and we're still fear still tries to grip us in the area of finances, in the area of job security.
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Um, what was the other one that you had mentioned?
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Dipers children.
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Well, and children?
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Right now, our children are getting older, so then there's, you know, vehicles, and there's post-secondary education.
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So I don't think the fear ever goes away, in my opinion, I think we just learn ways to cope.
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So probably doesn't take over, right.
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So I wouldn't say that.
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You know.
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You know, fear the unknown.
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You know we've been in our current city for nine years.
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There definitely was a fear of the unknown when we moved north, down south here.
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So well, and moving from an extremely cheap city versus an expensive one.
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Oh yeah, so like this isn't just something that is like oh, in the beginning of the relationship, no, no, this is something that we battle constantly constantly for it not to take over and influence every decision, like and for us to be emotional about how we're going to make a decision about our kids, and whether it's finances or what's happening next with the kids or their school, or what's happening at church, there's always options for us having experiencing some kind of fear.
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Right, and so, even as we are we, this is what our attention is.
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We have what we think is going to be a four part possibly longer series on just dealing with fear and relationships, and as we had started researching this, we realized that some of these topics are big and they're going to require a bit more, a bit more detail, a bit more digging into and even as we were reading, like studying on this, you know, like you know, we went through the laundry list of things that are fear and some of the traumas and some of the like.
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We've experienced this one.
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We've experienced this one.
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This is one that we've we're struggling with now.
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This is and you're just going through this and you're like man, how and and just.
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We want to offer solutions and practical tips of how we're going to, how to get away from that and some misconceptions about fear that we want to deal with.
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On the very, very last episode.
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That's right.
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And also these are things that you know, I think we can all relate to.
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As we break this down in the podcast to come and tonight, we've all experienced Some.
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We might not be currently experiencing or you might find yourself in all of them, but the goal is not, you know, to appear like, oh, you know, we don't ever start with any of this.
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We hundred percent I I'll speak for myself I 100% have struggled with all of these that will be Covering and some more often creep up.
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Yeah and so our hope is that, by bringing it to the light, by bringing it to the surface, where we're not hiding behind shame and guilt, yeah, yeah and regret.
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Let's just face our fear head-on and deal with it right, and hopefully this will spark a conversation or or Kind of a self-introspective look on like hey, I actually fit in this category right.
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And I'm not alone.
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I think that's the greatest thing to know is that you're not alone in feeling a fear of the unknown.
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Yeah and yeah, absolutely, and Just understanding that us going into this fear this next series actually is so deeply related to tension in marriage.
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Oh, these will cause all sorts of opportunities to be tense in your marriage and like and and you know we went through last time what happens physically physically in your body when you don't Deal with attention and you don't deal with conflict in a healthy way, how it builds up.
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So Go back and listen to that one, if you've missed it.
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Today we're talking about fear of the unknown in regards to what does that produce Within us?
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And so we I feel like we talk about this almost every podcast anxiety and stress, anxiety and stress, and it's so Prevalent.
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I think a lot of people Struggle in this area, with anxiety and stress over their mental health.
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Absolutely and specifically the area we want to focus on tonight is all the what-ifs.
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Natalie is the what-if queen.
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Way less, way less now Then you ever were, but I just remember there is way less, or I just talk about it less.
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I feel like it's not way less.
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No, no, no no, you're not wrong, because your personality is okay.
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Here's, here's the thing.
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If you're an enneagram follower, she's a six and that just means the loyalist.
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But what that also means is that if she walks into a restaurant and has a dinner for the very first time at a new restaurant, she has already planned out her exit if something was to happen.
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She's planned out my exit.
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If something was to happen, she plans out what would happen if the food was bad.
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She's planned out, if the food was good, what she would say.
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She would plan out if there was a dirty fork.
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Every aspect of that night or Endeavour has already been played out in her mind.
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All the worst-case scenarios and we went to Disney with the family, she thought about.
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Every worst-case scenario is up to hurricanes, fires, tornadoes, gang violence well, let's be real here.
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I already know there was no tornadoes where we were going.
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Yeah, but it already looked it up.
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I like how you say that like that actually stops you about worrying about these things.
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But here's the thing I was just saying this to Brian before we sat down of, like, all the worst case scenarios, all the what ifs, all the scenarios in our relationship that I've not conjured up because they were actually really.
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they were real scenarios to somebody out there, not to us, not even to me, not even to the situation at hand.
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sometimes, but in my mind, and maybe you can relate, playing the what if?
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Game, what if you just up and leave me?
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You abandon us, right?
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Well, I know, when I read one time blah, blah, blah, not realizing the absolute turmoil, I was turmoil turmoil.
00:09:15.255 --> 00:09:17.399
I don't know what turmoil is turmoil?
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all the scenarios, all the stress, all the anxiety, all the tension.
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I was putting upon myself in an unrealistic situation, not when you had given me no reason to fear that cave, then then would you also agree that in that situation you're also putting undue stress on me, 100%, like, just like adding this fact that somehow you think I do remember when we went to the it was a Shaw Center or the Rogers Center in Edmonton we were at a conference, a church conference, and we had gone there and Natalie was on.
00:09:53.092 --> 00:09:53.695
We were pregnant.
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How many months pregnant?
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Like seven or eight months?
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pregnant.
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I would say this is in February.
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I like how you did.
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Okay, that was girl math right there, so you were six, or with our first baby, with our first baby and we've talked about all the cray cray.
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I was yeah, okay, well, the cray cray really didn't.
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It wasn't that bad up until this one time where we went to this, this place, and my workshop was on the exact no, no, it was in the same building but it was across the far side of where we were opposite to each other.
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She went to see a famous singer.
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I would say Carolyn Arren.
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She did a songwriting workshop and it was brilliant, okay.
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and I went to see some guy teach me how to play guitar and while we were there we made.
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She said to me you don't leave me.
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I'm like, well, I'm not going to leave you.
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She said it as we're driving in.
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She said it as we're going downstairs.
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She said it when we were standing there and so we had, like B sectioned this big pole, that this is where our muster point was at the end of everything.
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We were going to meet here with our group and I was, but she was convinced that hold, she left her workshop early to see if I had gotten to the muster point early.
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I'm like no, I hadn't left yet because mine wasn't finished.
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Then mine went long by, only like 10 minutes, but it was like a five minute walk to this thing and by that time I found her crying next to B poster, b area, crying sitting on a bench.
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No one, everyone else is still in their workshops because theirs went long too.
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And she's crying by herself on this thing, convinced that I had left her.
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And this, I'm like I, and that's the thing is that you had created a situation in your mind that was not real.
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That's right and and convinced yourself that this is going to happen.
00:11:39.008 --> 00:11:49.945
But it was in your family, that was something that had actually happened to your sister, and so there was a part of you that was like, well, he's going to do this to me too, even though we had a healthy relationship ish.
00:11:50.054 --> 00:11:52.480
Yeah, it was nothing, nothing at all like that situation.
00:11:52.480 --> 00:12:12.888
But it's funny how, when you find yourself like triggers right, and being pregnant was a huge trigger for me but not realizing, and some some of you might be like, oh, it was just pregnancy hormones, no, no, no, I'm sure that played a part into it, but I would not say that that was the only soul contributing factor.
00:12:13.794 --> 00:12:48.514
I wish listeners that we could say to you that it was that it was pregnancy hormones is not not in my case, maybe for you, but the amount of energy that that took in a scenario that wasn't real and and I had no there was no landing point for me to distrust that you would actually show up because you had always showed up, so I had not even a scenario to hold over your head.
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And even even if I was late, I still showed up you still showed up right and very rarely were you late, because you value being on time, so there was no reason for me to distrust your word.
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Well, let's go back to the you value.
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You know why I valued being on time?
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Because I valued being on, because I married you.
00:13:08.360 --> 00:13:08.562
Right.
00:13:08.562 --> 00:13:15.794
So um the all that to say the emotional.
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I mean, I had a headache after I was mentally exhausted, I was emotionally exhausted, in a situation that wasn't even done to me, but one I had.
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I had gone through the mind of he's not here.
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So all of my worst fears have come too past now, and then can you imagine the trauma, the trauma I created for myself when he showed up.
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Yeah right, I thought you left me.
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I'm like I had to go to the bathroom.
00:13:44.158 --> 00:13:44.782
Exactly.
00:13:45.244 --> 00:13:50.561
Right, and here's the thing, is that the what is that you created early on in the relationship, it caused tension.
00:13:51.067 --> 00:13:53.445
It caused fights, undue fights for nothing.
00:13:53.806 --> 00:14:05.644
Well, at that end I I at the beginning, we said, well, maybe you're not, you're way better than you were, Right Like now we have 22 years of me just showing up, and so there's a part of you has like all right.
00:14:05.644 --> 00:14:11.197
And you've also grown and matured and we've grown together in this and this is quite the same issue.
00:14:11.197 --> 00:14:18.004
But the what ifs for quite a few years and early years probably six or seven or eight years of relationship were crippling sometimes, that's right.
00:14:18.306 --> 00:14:24.119
And here I just want to say that when you showed up it wasn't like I can't believe you're crying.
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I told you I was, I was coming sometime.
00:14:26.427 --> 00:14:27.269
No, no, no, no, like.
00:14:27.269 --> 00:14:35.538
Let's be honest, but half the time I bet you was like this are you kidding me, like you know that I'm going to show up and it in my response.
00:14:35.538 --> 00:14:41.971
Unfortunately, sometimes it was triggered by how, how hard you would come at me with where were you?
00:14:41.971 --> 00:14:43.221
Why were you late?
00:14:43.221 --> 00:14:45.565
I can't believe you didn't tell me that's right Right.
00:14:46.046 --> 00:14:55.743
And and just coming, coming on, glued sometimes and that didn't happen all the time but I would get upset and frustrated, I mean, like I've never given you any reason to think I'm going to leave you.
00:14:55.743 --> 00:14:58.197
No, and so 50,.
00:14:58.197 --> 00:14:59.605
I know I appreciate you trying to give me props.
00:14:59.605 --> 00:15:03.076
It will 50% of the time I'm not responding super healthy like either.
00:15:03.605 --> 00:15:10.261
No, but you have also you um what's the word?
00:15:10.282 --> 00:15:14.835
I don't know what you're trying to say, so I think, validated how I was feeling in the moment.
00:15:14.975 --> 00:15:16.804
Oh yeah Is what I meant to say.
00:15:16.804 --> 00:15:19.595
Like you didn't just diss like squash.
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That doesn't sound like me at all.
00:15:22.067 --> 00:15:34.879
My fears in the, in the moment, right, Right afterwards, when I could rationalize maybe laugh a little logically come to a healthy conclusion of of working through that.
00:15:35.865 --> 00:15:44.360
Um then it was like, oh my goodness, I can't believe that I responded like that or that I was that way far down that path.
00:15:44.360 --> 00:15:45.706
But here's the thing.
00:15:45.706 --> 00:16:12.522
You know, one of the things we'll be talking about down the road here is self sabotage, and how many times can our what ifs that we play out in our minds actually lead to a physical ramification of pushing your spouse, pushing your partner away to a point where it's like you have already categorized me as leaving you and eventually you get fed up with you.
00:16:13.806 --> 00:16:23.480
I'm not speaking like you personally, but hypothetically the person gets fed up of always being the bad guy in a situation that they were not the bad guy to begin with.
00:16:23.480 --> 00:16:24.181
Does that make sense?
00:16:24.280 --> 00:16:24.500
Right.
00:16:25.447 --> 00:16:29.644
And you create an actual distance between you and your partner and you and your spouse.
00:16:30.389 --> 00:16:32.325
Yeah, which just creates more and more distortion Right.
00:16:32.325 --> 00:16:33.287
Which then?
00:16:33.386 --> 00:16:38.099
eventually, you know Cal's surprise he may walk away.
00:16:38.740 --> 00:16:38.961
Right.
00:16:39.822 --> 00:16:40.464
Does that make sense?
00:16:40.484 --> 00:16:44.504
Absolutely, because there's only so a precursor.
00:16:44.504 --> 00:16:45.373
Well, that and like.
00:16:45.373 --> 00:16:51.743
Sometimes people may just take, take and take the abuse.
00:16:51.743 --> 00:17:03.870
Like I think that once we got, once we got a little bit healthier, we just kind of we become a bit more brutally honest over the years, Just like that hurt my feelings.
00:17:03.870 --> 00:17:14.634
I don't like what you said, Um and not hold back, but that's also personality thing, Partially because you had to learn to adapt to my personality.
00:17:14.634 --> 00:17:17.632
Because I hate Um you're a straight shooter.
00:17:18.193 --> 00:17:18.865
Yeah and but.
00:17:18.865 --> 00:17:22.213
But I don't like is you know that thing?
00:17:22.213 --> 00:17:24.464
You see, you see all the time in like romantic comedies.
00:17:24.464 --> 00:17:26.210
Well, if you don't know what's wrong with me, I'm not going to tell you.
00:17:26.210 --> 00:17:29.872
Oh, it's nonsense, it's nonsense, but that's what people actually do.
00:17:30.193 --> 00:17:30.273
Yeah.
00:17:30.586 --> 00:17:31.650
And for the longest time.
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That's what you did.
00:17:32.794 --> 00:17:33.928
The what if?
00:17:33.928 --> 00:17:39.126
Scenario would happen and that's how you responded, and nothing enraged me more Like I.
00:17:39.126 --> 00:17:42.199
I even with my kids, with my staff at the church.
00:17:42.199 --> 00:17:51.711
You know that if you dance around the issue and I find out before you tell me I'm going to be some upset, yep, and I need you to be straight with me, like and when, even like, even when it comes to my feedback.
00:17:51.711 --> 00:17:52.755
Just be a straight shooter with me.
00:17:53.066 --> 00:18:05.767
So what you did a lot of the times was you would dance around it instead of just saying, hey, this is what's going on and expected me to know, based on a feeling or the way you gave me your cold shoulder shoulder or how you responded to a situation.
00:18:05.767 --> 00:18:17.633
I'm not one to roll over and just take it, but there will be people, men and women, that will just constantly let that pile up on each other and, instead of dealing with it, they end up having that.
00:18:17.633 --> 00:18:18.865
That what we call like.
00:18:18.865 --> 00:18:20.431
Our pastor says this all the time.
00:18:20.431 --> 00:18:21.073
Now it's like my.
00:18:21.073 --> 00:18:33.348
One of my favorite things when I'm preaching is to say um, distance creates distortion, and the way you create distance is by letting things pile up on each other, compound on each other and hypothetical situations what?
00:18:33.470 --> 00:18:36.604
ifs that aren't even real to your current situation.
00:18:36.604 --> 00:18:39.982
It's like you see in the movies or you see on memes all the time.
00:18:39.982 --> 00:18:47.800
Right now, we should do a whole um like video episode, combating all those stupid relationship videos that you see on online all the time.
00:18:47.800 --> 00:18:54.105
But the one that that's all the uh you see all the time right now is is that exact one.
00:18:54.105 --> 00:18:59.282
If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you and how the woman responds, and you're not a mind reader.
00:19:00.028 --> 00:19:04.570
And how can you be a mind reader to hypothetical pretend situations I've made up in my head?
00:19:04.913 --> 00:19:12.625
or the other meme that you see that this one's kind of funny is is all the time is when, uh, the wife is upset at the husband because he did something stupid.
00:19:12.625 --> 00:19:21.996
Instead of coming with me, you went to play poker with your buddies and your buddies happened to be dogs or whatever it was, and she's actually upset with you about something you did in the dream.
00:19:23.115 --> 00:19:24.990
Oh, oh, that's a whole lot, a whole nother thing.
00:19:24.990 --> 00:19:30.013
Those are real funny and that I attribute to a pregnancy.
00:19:31.884 --> 00:19:34.133
That that was not a real experience at all, folks.
00:19:34.904 --> 00:19:42.905
Not only stress and anxiety in the, in the way that we think of stress and anxiety, but this is a whole different spin, a whole different maybe not spin cause it's.
00:19:42.905 --> 00:19:44.594
It's legit.
00:19:44.795 --> 00:19:44.976
Yeah.
00:19:45.265 --> 00:19:53.069
A whole different perspective on creating unnecessary stress and anxiety due to playing these what if?
00:19:53.069 --> 00:19:53.731
Scenarios.
00:19:53.825 --> 00:19:54.386
Well, and what I?
00:19:54.386 --> 00:19:56.114
There's a quote out there.
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I wish I could remember what it was.
00:19:57.167 --> 00:19:59.294
But worry kills you before it kills the other.
00:19:59.294 --> 00:20:02.090
Ooh, I don't think that's the actual quote.
00:20:02.090 --> 00:20:03.147
That's just what I said right now.
00:20:03.469 --> 00:20:04.613
Well worry, yeah, that's right.
00:20:05.644 --> 00:20:16.057
Worry kills you before it will kill the other, because I I know you're worried, but that's like a worry enough for everybody but that worry doesn't like I'm I get.
00:20:16.057 --> 00:20:16.699
This is the thing.
00:20:16.699 --> 00:20:18.711
There's not one person on the planet.
00:20:18.711 --> 00:20:21.393
There's probably one person on the planet that nothing will bother.
00:20:21.693 --> 00:20:21.894
Right.
00:20:22.126 --> 00:20:27.513
I am not bothered by a lot of things, but I'm that doesn't mean how to say this.
00:20:27.513 --> 00:20:29.077
I'm not bothered by a lot.
00:20:29.077 --> 00:20:30.730
Well it will.
00:20:30.730 --> 00:20:32.200
I will lose sleep over it.
00:20:32.200 --> 00:20:33.184
You know what I mean.
00:20:33.184 --> 00:20:35.361
Like, I can handle a lot.
00:20:35.361 --> 00:20:35.944
My shoulders are big.
00:20:35.944 --> 00:20:39.469
I can take, I can take a beating, I can take a lashing I can take.
00:20:39.469 --> 00:20:40.712
I can take a lot.
00:20:40.712 --> 00:20:43.182
That doesn't mean like and and not.
00:20:43.182 --> 00:20:46.815
A lot bothers me, but that doesn't mean sometimes I'm not carrying the weight of those things.
00:20:46.894 --> 00:20:48.980
That's right, you just, you just process it differently.
00:20:48.980 --> 00:20:56.105
Yeah, I just yeah, I process it by replaying it over and over and, over and over and over, and, in certain yeah, in certain scenarios, with certain people, I will do the same thing.
00:20:57.489 --> 00:20:58.913
And it's, it's awful.
00:20:58.913 --> 00:21:02.565
But here's, like um the, the precursor to the next one.
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We want to talk about all these what if?
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