Season 4 Ep. 4 // "The 4R's Framework: Refreshing Your Marriage With the Emotional Bank Account"

(Bryan): If your marriage had an app like your bank does, some of you would be checking it. Like, why is there so many charges from this one vendor called Tone? This is the emotional bank account. Every interaction is either a deposit or a withdrawal. And if you keep withdrawing, eventually that relationship starts charging overdraft fees. Not money fees, emotional fees. And those can be expensive. You'll see the overdraft show up as sarcasm, as distance, and fighting about dishes when it was never about the dishes.

(Natalie): Welcome to another episode of Amplified Marriage. I'm Natalie.

(Bryan): And I'm Bryan.

(Natalie): Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, you hear us say this every podcast. Get comfy, cozy, grab a coffee and a tea. Today's gonna be a good chat.

(Bryan): Well, we are on to episode two of the 4R framework that we're building for the Amplified Marriage podcast. We've already talked about Reset, and that's just gonna be one episode on Reset, but we're moving on to the next one, which is all about refreshing your marriage. It's all about refreshing your relationship with your spouse, your significant other. And so this episode is gonna be a little bit more practical.

(Bryan): We're talking about. And even as you heard in the open, we're talking about a concept from the Gottmans called the emotional bank account. And it is an interesting. And I really, really enjoy how he does this. And it's interesting because even as we've coached couples over the years, before we knew about this, we were kind of doing a version of this with couples anyway. So it's a simple metaphor. You either build trust and connection with deposits of quality time, kissing, encouragement, appreciation, just connection, just connection. Or you drain it with withdrawal.

(Bryan): And so we see that most couples. This is the way the Gottmans explain it, which is really great, is that most couples don't blow up. They just simply overdraw that account. Right. So today. So today that was harder English than normal. So today we are going to define deposits, define what the withdrawals look like, and talk about the 5.1 ratio, which is such a great concept that they. They've been building.

(Bryan): And then we're going to give you a challenge by the end of it.

(Natalie): Yeah, I like that.

(Bryan): Are you ready?

(Natalie): What is the emotional bank account? So if you're thinking like an actual bank account, you make deposits, you're building a reserve of, like, goodwill, of safety, savings, of investments.

(Bryan): Right.

(Natalie): When you make withdrawals, you're spending that goodwill or that reserve fund or you might have to dip into your savings deposit. Is anything that communicates you matter. I see You, I'm with you, we're in it together, we're a team, those kinds of things. And it withdrawals. Anything that communicates, you're on your own, you're annoying, I don't care. And it's not a matter of necessarily

(Bryan): saying those things, but actions will speak louder than words.

(Natalie): Your actions speak louder than words.

(Bryan): Right. And so there's a key Gutman idea that matters in this. So healthy couples turn towards each other's bids for connection. Like if. If Natalie is wanting connection for me, they turn towards that way more than those who drift away. So couples that are in the drift will tend to. If someone makes an advance for intimacy, sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy, or just like, hey, I want to spend some time with you, those couples that are drifting will turn away from that way more.

(Natalie): Right.

(Bryan): Which would have described the early part of our marriage really, really clearly.

(Natalie): Yeah. And not even the early part. Yes. Like, really obviously. But we've had to be really intentional and about.

(Bryan): And still miss. Yeah.

(Natalie): Times. And we don't. We don't get it right all the time. And so that's why. That's why this is. We love this one because we have had to be practical and. And schedule time together.

(Bryan): Well, and to refresh a marriage, it can't be done on just hope. It has to be done with action. It has to be done with practicality. Has to be done with intentionality. So if your marriage is going through the doldrums or you're going through a rut or and you've decided you want to reset your relationship and you're moving on to this refreshing stage and you want to rebuild things. You have to. It has to be more than just, well, I hope this is what's going to happen.

(Natalie): Right. Oh, and this was the thought that I had when you were talking just a few minutes ago about the drift and how the other couple. Or if you're in a drift, the tendency could be to turn away from advance.

(Bryan): Yeah.

(Natalie): And quite frankly, it's because it seems disingenuous.

(Bryan): Right, Right.

(Natalie): Picture it. You know, months go by and months go by and either of you are putting deposits into each other. And then all of a sudden one does, and it's like, where's this coming from?

(Bryan): Yeah.

(Natalie): It's almost like an immediate fake.

(Bryan): Yeah.

(Natalie): Refuting of that. Of like, what do you want?

(Bryan): It's not real.

(Natalie): It's not real. Or you want something.

(Bryan): Right. Which we've experienced in our own relationship. Early on when. When I had that the, like the light bulb moment. And things changed. You didn't trust me for months.

(Natalie): Nope.

(Bryan): And you didn't trust any changes or anything that was going on. And we see that in a lot of couples now is that they're like, I want this to work. And I see that you're making changes, but I don't believe that's true. I believe it's just a behavior modification, not a heart transformation.

(Natalie): Right. It's funny how the patterns remain the same.

(Bryan): Yeah.

(Natalie): It doesn't matter where you are, what

(Bryan): couple, it's still very much the same. And so, like a deposit can be something really easy. Like, hey, look at that duck. You're on the road and you see a duck. Or Natalie loves to show me silly.

(Natalie): Want to hear something funny?

(Bryan): Yeah. And then she'll show me from across the room. And my glasses are off and I can't see it. And I have to put my glasses on and move eight feet closer so I can see what's going on. And she thinks it's really funny. And. And I want to, but it's sometimes not well.

(Natalie): And sometimes the funny part is my reaction to it being funny.

(Bryan): To me, that is fair. And that actually usually makes me laugh more than the actual thing you're trying to show me.

(Natalie): And it's. It's that. It's that small advance of, hey, I am welcoming you into my space.

(Bryan): Absolutely.

(Natalie): I'm.

(Bryan): You're in my. I want you in my space.

(Natalie): Yes, yes.

(Bryan): And so you, when you respond, like just going back to how the got bins are explaining this, you're building that bank account. When you ignore it, you're actually pulling from it. So the deposits are. It's the little things again. We kind of come back to the idea that if you want your relationship to work, it can't be done on hope. It has to be done on action. But it is not a Hallmark movie action where it's this massive thing that changes the course of everyone's history. It literally is small little deposits that you're making that make a big difference.

(Natalie): Exactly. It's not that big getaway, though. Those are fun and those are needed. It's those smaller day to day kind of the more mundane, at least for me anyways.

(Bryan): Well, I would say if you talk to anyone, and we've coached some couples now, if you talk to anyone, it was the little things that made the change that helped them lead towards the big change. Because they said, oh, so we have on here. It's like a weekend getaway or some big romantic moment. Like you see those are great. But deposits are usually the boring, the small, the consistent faithful, the dumb ones that only. That literally exist only between you two. Like a pet name or just the way you talk to each other or slap on the butt or. A six second kiss is a deposit and it's not like a drive by. Like just peck on the. On the cheek and then you're just moving on.

(Bryan): It's like a real pause and you stop.

(Natalie): You look at each other in the eyes. We did this at a marriage conference that we were speaking at in October. It's like everybody stand and look at. Look at your spouse in the eyes for I don't know how long we had them do that. 20 seconds. It was horribly. The conference. It didn't. Something we were doing with the couples.

(Bryan): Yeah. And it was really funny. And so it's like, that makes sense. I always say to Nat, like, she'll give me a kiss. And I'd be like, that's not a good enough kiss. Like, I don't. I don't want a boring kiss. I want a good. A good kiss, good kiss.

(Natalie): I'm like, the kids leave it at that.

(Bryan): Hey, the kids aren't looking. They're in the other room. We can make this happen. But you want the kiss to long enough so you can actually connect with each other. Short enough to not feel like you're performing for.

(Natalie): Exactly. And we've talked about this actually speaking of kissing and, and just hugs and like staring into each other's eyes for a consecutive amount of time. What it does to the brain.

(Bryan): Right. It actually wires it to like. Again, we say you. What you said earlier, where you're like, you're inviting each other into the world when you do this. You're actually inviting each other to a space.

(Natalie): Exactly. It releases the oxytocin.

(Bryan): Yeah.

(Natalie): And you know, it gives that dopamine that. That rush.

(Bryan): So and so like six seconds.

(Natalie): If you're looking for. If you're stuck, start there.

(Bryan): Yeah. Maybe kissing is a good idea. I just feel like kissing is a good idea. Or like things like appreciation that goes a long way. But saying it out loud, not like I appreciate to other people or appreciate, but like appreciate to each other.

(Natalie): Right. And appreciation isn't, hey, look at all the things you didn't do. But. Oh, well. Yeah. Okay. Thanks. Now that you've pointed out the one thing I did do.

(Bryan): Yeah.

(Natalie): Thanks for that. I see that that's not what we're talking about.

(Bryan): I saw that you cleaned the kitchen and I really appreciate that.

(Natalie): Exactly.

(Bryan): I saw that hey, the bathroom is really good. Oh, man. Thank you. Or I saw that you put gas in the car.

(Natalie): It's shifting the perspective from the negative

(Bryan): into the things that you see that are missing.

(Natalie): Exactly. Which I had to retrain my brain to do.

(Bryan): Yeah.

(Natalie): Right. Where it was like coming in the house and not to be like, oh, look at all the shoes at the door. And look at all that. Look at all that. And then you're like, look, did you notice the kitchen was cleaned? And I was so fixated on all the. A hundred things that weren't done.

(Bryan): Yeah.

(Natalie): That the kitchen clean. It was like, woo. You get a ribbon.

(Bryan): Like, do you want a participation award?

(Natalie): Right. We're not. That. That's not showing appreciation.

(Bryan): And this next one is something that Nat and I have been working on a lot, but it's also really pertinent in the culture that we live in, is you put the phone down and you look at your spouse and you talk to them in their. To their face, in their eyes. With your body and your head and your shoulders turn towards nothing.

(Natalie): Screams, I'm just not that into you. Than when you're having a conversation with your spouse.

(Bryan): Yeah, it is. And so, like, even the way we want to frame this is all these things are essentially attention that you're offering each other. And that is like an emotional currency that pause it in a shared laugh. Like laughing together.

(Natalie): Like, when's the last time you all laughed with your spouse?

(Bryan): Yeah. And had a belly laugh with your spouse.

(Natalie): Your spouse. We were on a drive last night

(Bryan): and she was cracking me up. Just being.

(Natalie): Just being me.

(Bryan): I was gonna say weird, but I don't mind.

(Natalie): You can say I'm weird. I don't care.

(Bryan): But it was just funny. This, the comments, the way you were talking, it just was really funny. But those things invite more emotional deposits into the bank.

(Natalie): And connection draws us closer together when. When we're. And laughing is so good for you. Laughter is a good medicine.

(Bryan): Yeah. Like laughing. Like, one of the notes we had here was laughing in the kitchen. I remember many times we've just been cooking dinner or just standing in the kitchen laughing. And the kids are like. They'll get up and they'll come in like, what is going on in there? And we're just laughing with Each other. But that wasn't always the case. But we make an effort now. So tiny acts of service, all these things that are attention to the other person help refresh your relationship. You've reset. Now you want to refresh it and bring breathe new life into it.

(Natalie): When you. Maybe you're wondering what kind of acts of service. I mean, hey, put gas in. In your lady's car.

(Bryan): Yeah.

(Natalie): Make them coffee. Goes both ways. But I really enjoy when you make me coffee.

(Bryan): Yeah, I know you do. And also when I do the gas. Make food, clean the house.

(Natalie): That's right.

(Bryan): Drive you around like you're passenger.

(Natalie): We're a partnership.

(Bryan): Yeah. Are we?

(Natalie): That's right. Yeah.

(Bryan): Are we? I like how you just stop right there. We're a partnership, and then just move on. But these things to say to each other that you're just like, I'm on your team. Like, I'm not against you. I'm not. So we're on our team. So. And what ends up happening with these deposits that you put into the emotional bank account is they end up turning into bigger things.

(Natalie): Exactly. You know when. When you're thinking of an actual bank account and. And you go and you log in, you're like, whoa, how can we have. How. How do we still have so much money? Yeah, it's that feeling.

(Bryan): It's kind of like that dopamine hit. You're like, oh, man.

(Natalie): Exactly. But it's like, hey, look at this. Look at what we've done. And. Right. The kids see it.

(Bryan): Yeah. And so here's the thing, is that deposits don't need to be like this big poetic thing with flowers and roses and chocolate and all that kind of stuff. That's nice, but you gotta let me get there. They just need to be consistency. Because consistency is romantic.

(Natalie): Right.

(Bryan): Grand gestures are awesome, but they will not erase months and months of history. That's why, like. Well, do you remember in all those sitcoms from the. The 80s, they. The couple would just get into a big old fight with each other, and then they would show up with chocolates in this big bouquet of flowers or roses or whatever and just do this big grand gesture. But it doesn't erase what you said, doesn't erase how you made the other person feel. It doesn't erase when you made them feel small.

(Bryan): Doesn't erase that you said something may. Personal. Maybe personal. And so you. You need to build a consistency in it so that when those things, other things happen, and they may because of, you know, life and you say do acts a way that you. Maybe it was contrary that you do have enough in the bank that you're like, oh, this isn't how he really is. Or this hasn't. How she always is.

(Natalie): Right.

(Bryan): This is just, hey, we're under a little bit extra pressure here. And so.

(Natalie): And like those big getaways, let's just camp on that for a minute. I wouldn't want to spend the money going away with you for the weekend if we were at odds.

(Bryan): No, like the it. And again, this is one of those

(Natalie): that, that we might be weird TV

(Bryan): shows that make it seem like, oh, when you're angry, let's just have angry sex. And that'll make it all better. Yeah, it actually doesn't. Then you, we, you've. We've talked about this in the podcast before. This is not.

(Natalie): That's not us.

(Bryan): I do not know one couple that we've ever worked with or are friends with or are close with that have been like, man, I'm so angry. Hey, you want to have sex?

(Natalie): Yeah, it's weird.

(Bryan): It is a weird things. And so while there is ways that we actually deposit into account, there's also ways that we can withdraw.

(Natalie): Right. And it's, you know, we want to, yes, point out the obvious ones, like yelling, but we also want to focus on the ones that are a lot more subtle.

(Bryan): Right.

(Natalie): The ones that are scary that kind of creep up on you. The quiet ones.

(Bryan): Right. What are the quiet ones?

(Natalie): Well, like the silent treatment.

(Bryan): You like that one?

(Natalie): I did like that one. Right.

(Bryan): And so there was a series that we did called Pick youk Poison that was one of those really great. I think it was a three part season. And we're just going to do a drive by on these ones. We want you to go back and listen to those three episodes. But they talk about these things. And there's. It's interesting, the Gottmans have a 90% accuracy on who will stay together based on these next four things.

(Bryan): But what we're saying is that the withdrawals that drain your relationship can be subtle. And they show up in four different, different areas. And they show up in criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Stonewalling. These aren't just bad habits, they're relationship killers.

(Natalie): Yeah.

(Bryan): Because they never actually addressed a problem. And we are very much a couple that believes in resolving issues, not just dealing, not just talking with it, but then have a resolution. Explain the expectation. You've heard us talk about that. But there has to be, There has to be a place. And so what happens is Is that these types of. When you're making withdrawals of any kind, not just these four of any kind, you actually are.

(Bryan): Are removing safety from your relationship.

(Natalie): 100.

(Bryan): Right. And so we're just going to do a drive by on these things. Just talk about them really quickly and would love for you to go back and listen to the Pick your. But it says Christians criticism sounds like you always. And you never. Super absolute. And I. We catch ourselves sometimes like saying, hey, you never take the garbage or you never. And you always. You always. But you never take the garbage out. But you're like literally last week and the week before I took it out, I just missed it this week.

(Natalie): And criticism doesn't. It can be done silently.

(Bryan): Yeah. And. But it can be done with eye rolls. Eye rolls make you so mad. Disrespect. But it is. But sometimes as verbal like it's in your face. Disrespect. So you see criticism, contempt, defense. Contempt is like sarcasm or mockery or eye rolling. Defensiveness is. I would. I. Well, I wouldn't. If you didn't.

(Natalie): Right. I'm sorry. But you made me do that. Yes.

(Bryan): Right.

(Natalie): Right. Or something.

(Bryan): Sorry. But yeah. Is such a. I. I really don't. It's a lack of accountability and a lack of.

(Natalie): It's not an apology.

(Bryan): No, it's not an apology. And stonewalling. You shut down. You check out. You do the silent treatment. You refuse to talk to them about anything. And then when it is talked about, you just. You don't. You just walk away.

(Natalie): Exactly. And it's not even this person hurt my feelings or whatever. But what if you've invited a conversation and they disagree with you?

(Bryan): Yep.

(Natalie): And you shut the conversation down just because of disagreement. You don't like that they have a different opinion than you. That is stonewalling.

(Bryan): Yeah. And so like broken promises, like how often. How many broken promises can someone take before they're like, I just don't trust you anymore. Right. Like.

(Natalie): Yeah. And so that, I mean, one sets the alarm bells going.

(Bryan): Yeah.

(Natalie): Right. You're like, we'll see what the next one holds. 2. It's like, yeah, there's a pattern already. At least that's how my mind works.

(Bryan): Yeah. Well, yeah. It would work that way, wouldn't it? And so like ignoring a deposit. Like if you keep ignoring, hey, I want to. Can we go for coffee?

(Natalie): Yeah.

(Bryan): And you just keep ignoring it or texting say, hey, I love you. And you don't respond.

(Natalie): Yeah. Saying. Saying that you're going to do something and then don't follow through.

(Bryan): Right. And so it. It those little things again, they feel little. They feel like a tiny moment in the moment. But when you say things like, not love, not now, or let's just later.

(Natalie): Yeah, I'll do that later. Oh, that's your favorite one.

(Bryan): That is my favorite.

(Natalie): Can you do this for me? Yeah, I'll do it later. In a minute. In a minute. Oh, if I'd be rich for all the times I hear in a minute.

(Bryan): Hey, we also have kids that say that. Probably because I've role modeled.

(Natalie): I see what you've done there.

(Bryan): Yeah.

(Natalie): I've role modeled blame.

(Bryan): I've role model. I've role modeled something that probably was not a healthy thing to do.

(Natalie): You heard it here first. Dismissiveness is a withdrawal. That's.

(Bryan): You just dismissed this whole thing that we were talking about.

(Natalie): My favorite one is when I'd say, whatever.

(Bryan): Oh, oh, oh. If you could see my face now, everyone that's listening to this, you would realize the deep levels of frustration when she says whatever to me. And then if my kids say it to me, I get. Because it is so dismissive. It is like. I just don't.

(Natalie): Having. We're gonna move on.

(Bryan): Whatever.

(Natalie): Having feelings and emotions about a specific thing that's happening is not a bad thing.

(Bryan): No.

(Natalie): When we're told you're overreacting.

(Bryan): Right.

(Natalie): That sends me, like, zero to 60. That's not a big deal.

(Bryan): I don't say that.

(Natalie): Calm down.

(Bryan): I don't say, oh, yeah, no, chill. Right.

(Natalie): A lot of couples don't realize that those little jabs are withdrawing from.

(Bryan): And it's not even a conflict. You're not. You're not even allowing conflict to happen. You're just, like, dismissing them and, like, canceling them before they have a chance to do anything.

(Natalie): Exactly.

(Bryan): If you do this all day, every day, you don't realize that one big date night's not gonna fix it.

(Natalie): No. You're not some superhero.

(Bryan): Now I'm wearing a cape because you took them out to the keg, and you're like, you're gonna have the most expensive food we can have. That's like eating fast. And this is what we wrote down. It's like eating fast food six days a week and then thinking a salad on Friday makes you an athlete.

(Natalie): Right.

(Bryan): And the fact that it doesn't makes me deeply sad.

(Natalie): Right, exactly. So there's hope. There is hope in this. It's not just all doom and gloom. Right, Right.

(Bryan): And so we just want to just touch on this. This is called the 5:1 ratio. Have you ever heard people talk about, like, it takes like 10 positive things or seven?

(Natalie): I've heard seven positive things to cancel one.

(Bryan): This is the 5:1 ratio. The idea, this idea is that the negative moments carry more weight than we want to admit, which most of us don't want to admit. That words actually hurt no one around this thing. Sticks and stones. We break my bones, but your names never hurt me. That's actually a lie. The names actually do hurt. But as a healthy, stable, adult human being, those couples will stack positive interactions, positive affirmations, positive things into the bank that outweigh the negative ones, especially during conflict.

(Natalie): Exactly. And sometimes it's not the other person saying those things to you, like five positive things to counter one negative.

(Bryan): But you have them in the bank account.

(Natalie): The times I have to say them to myself. And I've had to put them on post it notes and put them up on the note and remind myself of the five things to counter the one negative comment.

(Bryan): Yeah, that's right. And so this is what this means. It means that one harsh comment is not just an oops. So if you say something harsh or mean or personal, it's costly. And that's why we said in the opening that tone matters. What is the tone and facial expressions? Your face.

(Natalie): My face needs to line up with, oh, there's a funny meme where my face needs to be. Oh, what is it? It needs to accept Jesus or something like that. Super funny.

(Bryan): But your face shows so much. And I know how to read your face when you're saying Jesus, my face. Jesus, my face. So this is something Natalie will say out loud to me. When someone says something really dumb or something hurtful or harsh, she'll just be like, jesus, my face. Jesus, my face. And she'll be sitting in the car saying, Jesus, my face, as we're about to head into a tough meeting. But facial express matter, because I can read when you're, when you're upset with me or with what I said to you is a response. And I think I'm probably the same way.

(Natalie): And it's not. It's not just you, it's anybody.

(Bryan): Yeah.

(Natalie): So there's times where in, if I'm in a work meeting, I'm like, oh, Jesus, my face. Yeah, you need. I need Jesus all over my face so that it is not showing what's actually the war going on.

(Bryan): Which is. Yeah, yes, yeah, absolutely. So little of the little, little kindnesses, they matter. So either. And I like this is, you're either building A cushion or you're burning it down. Right. So you're building something for you, to you, both of you to land on.

(Natalie): Soft place.

(Bryan): Yeah. A soft place, a gentle place, a kind place. When sometimes the conflict gets a little bit harsh. And so there's a danger that comes when you don't actually deposit and you just keep overdrawing or you keep withdrawing.

(Natalie): It's going to close your account.

(Bryan): Right.

(Natalie): But if you think about that in relational terms terms, there's gonna come a time where, where it's gonna be like out of service.

(Bryan): Yeah. And, and have you ever gone to the bank and this because our, our next was when the bank account is low, everything feels bigger. Do you know when you have a cell phone bill you have to pay and the bill is 60 bucks?

(Natalie): Yeah.

(Bryan): And you only have 30 in the bank account and you have to pay it off. And because you're short $30, it seems like a really big thing.

(Natalie): It is a big thing.

(Bryan): It is a big thing because you know you're not gonna be able to pay your bill and then they might shut your phone off. That's a really small way to say it, but it. Because you are actually withdrawn and you're missing that cushion or that positive override or that positive sentiment. A simple question can feel like they're accusing you. Hey, did you happen to pay that bill? What do you mean I didn't pay the bill? I'm like, that's not what I asked. It's not what I asked. I just said, hey, did you happen to pay that bill?

(Bryan): And so then when you make that or a mistake, it really does feel

(Natalie): like it was intentional and that clearly the other person doesn't care that, you know, the bill is paid or that, you know, I'm wanting quality time with them or yeah, I'm needing them to pick up the slack, whatever, fill in the blanks.

(Bryan): So. And then something that can just be a normal, everyday, usually easily conflict to be dealt with turns into a blow up because there was no actual resolution or conflict resolutions saying like, you're on

(Natalie): the same team, so don't treat your spouse like they're the enemy. Like the mistakes happen and then the goal is that you will have made enough deposits.

(Bryan): Right.

(Natalie): That you can cushion those, those moments.

(Bryan): Yeah, yeah, absolutely Right. And so when there's no kind of deposits, everything becomes evidence. Oh, they're doing this. And so this is, this is a reason that doing this. And then this becomes this. And we start acting like enemies instead of on the same team. You start acting like roommates instead of husband and wife. Not because you are angry at each other, not because you hate each other, because you just feel unsafe because your needs aren't being met.

(Bryan): Right. And so there's a way that you can start doing these things. So we're working through the reset now. We're into the refresh. If your account is low, hear us when we say this. Don't panic, because this is something that Natalie and I have experienced in our marriage. Even after we went from being unhealthy into a place of actually being healthy, we still have experiences as early as. Like, earlier this year.

(Natalie): Well, in this and starting small, I remember going, gosh, like, I did one thing, and I was expecting some monumental change to have happened.

(Bryan): Not everything shifted around.

(Natalie): Right. And so I just, like, the Lord just kept speaking to me. Don't despise small beginnings. Right. Rome wasn't built in a day. Those kinds of ideas of, like, hey, if it took, you know, six months to tear this communication down, it's going to take some time to rebuild that up.

(Bryan): Right. And so start small, but start every day. Right.

(Natalie): Consistent.

(Bryan): Yeah. Consistent, faithful, committed to starting every single day. The easiest daily deposit that you can make with your spouse or your significant other is appreciation. Something like, hey, I like, thank you for dropping off the kids at school this morning. Or I feel safe when you check in. Like, I like, call and see what's going on.

(Natalie): Exactly. And like, a repair attempt.

(Bryan): Yeah.

(Natalie): Is better than no attempt, right?

(Bryan): Oh, absolutely, man. That's a good point.

(Natalie): So if. If you're. If you're doing a small thing, it seems so insignificant. It isn't. It's something moving in the right direction. Even if it's like a baby step forward, it's better than letting it fester and escalate into something.

(Natalie): Worse.

(Bryan): Right. And do you know how you see in, like, comedy shows when they're like, if you ever watch Brooklyn nine nine, Boyle. I don't know if you know Boyle, but he's a character on the show. He says something, and it has an innuendo to it, and then as soon as it comes out of his mouth, he's like, oh, yep, I heard that you can actually say something to your spouse and be like, whoa, whoa. That's not actually. Sorry, can I just restart?

(Natalie): That came out wrong.

(Bryan): That came out wrong. Can I restart? I didn't mean for that to be so elevated. I'm getting heated. Can I just take a minute? Just give me a minute. This one sounds like a line, but it actually hey, I'm on your team. I'm just like, I'm feeling some. Some. Maybe I'm a little overwhelmed or feeling stressed. You're feeling stressed. I love that though.

(Natalie): It's like, because you can if, like the word talks about taking our thoughts captive.

(Bryan): Right.

(Natalie): And so that rule, I guess applies even in the middle of a conversation that's sort of going sideways. To be able to stop that in the process and redirect or start it again or whatnot. I think that's so healthy.

(Bryan): And I actually like what you said. It is actually a repair attempt is better than no attempt at all.

(Natalie): Yeah.

(Bryan): At least try and fix what's going on. That's really good. I like that. That's like our line from the episode this time.

(Natalie): And so what can we do?

(Bryan): So here's a practical. This is what we want to leave you with. There's a practical deposit challenge that we want to add to this. I want you for the next few weeks, but one week, make an intentional extra deposit. Maybe in some cases, if you're listening to this, it might be the first deposit you've made in a while. I don't want huge. I don't want it to be massive or overwhelming or you have to think it's like a romantic getaway, expensive.

(Bryan): I just want you to make one intentional. Use the six second kiss. Use the one appreciation sentence. I see what you did. I appreciate that. Put your phone down. The next time you guys are sitting on the couch and you want, you need to talk, not even about anything serious. Just turn your shoulders, turn your head, turn your body towards them. So your body language is saying, I'm listening. And then when they ask for a deposit or they give an indication they want a deposit, you respond to that deposit.

(Natalie): We did with our marriage life group. We did an affirmation jar.

(Bryan): Yes, that's right.

(Natalie): So each, like we had our couples decorate it and whatever, but they got to write. So I wrote a bunch of affirmations. And I didn't tell them what. I didn't tell Bryan what they were. I just wrote them all out and stuffed little papers in the jar. And he did the same for me. And then every day I would pull one out or if I was feeling stressed out and you know, the little kids just feeling so inadequate as a mom, I would go to the jar and I would pull it out with something so small.

(Bryan): Right.

(Natalie): But had such a lasting impact. I still have the jar filled with affirmations from all those years ago.

(Bryan): That's right.

(Natalie): And so that Is something small that you can do of. Hey, these are the things that I might not say as often as I should, but I'm thinking them about you.

(Bryan): Yeah. And. Yeah, that's right. They're stuck in my head, and I need to tell you what they are.

(Natalie): And that went a long way. When I was feeling lower, you were working 18 hours a day, and I was missing you to be able to pull those affirmations out that that in of itself gave me. Okay, I can do this.

(Bryan): What I'm going to do is I'm going to put that in the show notes. But the challenge is, if you want, you could do an affirmation jar where you both write some nice things about each other and stick it in each other's jar. Like affirmations, like appreciations. But then if you decide to take on this challenge at the end of a week or end of two weeks, whatever you want, I want you to just take a time to debrief. 10, 15, 30 minutes.

(Bryan): Ask these questions. Ask these three questions. I'm going to link this in the show notes or put this in the show notes. What felt like a deposit to you? What did you notice changed in you? And what should we keep doing?

(Natalie): Right.

(Bryan): And then I want you on that what should we keep doing thing after you've worked the other two, actually apply that to your everyday deposit life, like emotional deposit for each other.

(Natalie): And if something didn't work, that's okay.

(Bryan): Yeah, absolutely.

(Natalie): You go back to the drawing board and you try something different.

(Bryan): Yeah. Right. And so if you take anything from this podcast today, for this episode, your marriage doesn't need more events. It just needs some more deposits.

(Natalie): Yeah.

(Bryan): So we move from a place of resetting our relationship to, like, repenting, to coming towards each other and saying, hey, I did a bunch of things that were just not right. We reset.

(Natalie): Yes.

(Bryan): We reset our brains. We reset our relationship. We reset our focus on each other, and then we refresh and we begin to move on to the next thing

(Natalie): that's right, is the daily. It's the small. It's the real.

(Bryan): And when you have that, when the balance is right, you can face stress or conflict or life or kids or work without actually turning into. And turning each other into the enemy. That was a hard sentence. You become partners. You're not opponents. And that's what we want for you, is that you're walking through this married life together, not apart.

(Natalie): Exactly. You can do it.

(Bryan): Yeah. You can believe in you. So go make a deposit today, as you know, if you like. This podcast, and we know that you do because you keep listening and you keep asking questions. It means a lot when you share it and you let people know about Amplified Marriage. You can follow us on Instagram and on Facebook. If there is a topic or a question or anything that you'd like to discuss, please email us@plifiedmarriagemail.com we would love to hear from you. And as you have heard us say, we believe that your marriage can be reset, refreshed, recharged and restored. Thanks so much for listening.

(Natalie): Talk to you soon.